Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Should I Move for The Guy I’ve Been Out With Four Times?”

I began communicating with my beau online over five months ago. “George” is black and I am white; I commonly refer to him as the black, male version of my best friend since childhood. We felt an immediate connection, even reminiscing about many childhood similarities. I have never experienced such a complete connection at the soul level. We are both divorced (he for ten years and I for almost two, but after a long process of counseling and healing before I filed) and in our mid-forties.

It has been wonderful; we have had four dates, three of them meeting halfway between us (the third one was overnight) and once when I drove to him (2-½ hours) and he SPOILED me for my birthday! We communicate daily, via texts, phone calls, and video chats. We share photos of our children and their special events; he called me with a live video chat of his son’s basketball game to include me, etc. We each have two children. The older two are in college, both 20; my younger child is about to graduate high school and his younger one is a busy, athletic sophomore. We have not met family/friends or children yet, because of crazy schedules, etc., but all are aware and, as George says, family is just “jacked up” anyway – it is true. In your 40s it’s mostly about us vs. all the rest. I am completely self-sufficient financially though currently unemployed for about a year due to illness. I am still in a time of great transition and re-birth, but due to a large savings, residual income from my business, and counseling to heal from the abusive marriage, etc., I am actually the strongest/healthiest emotionally/mentally that I have been in a L O N G time, maybe ever.

The connection is incredible, being together is so comfortable and easy, yet energizing and wonderful. We laugh much and at the same things (who knew?!?)! He is sensitive, supportive and encouraging, but also declaring his personal desires to be together long-term. I am already starting over and my soul feels incomplete without him in a real, physical way. I just moved from the family home into a condo, renovating it before I moved in to be much more saleable, should the need arise to sell quickly. I have NO debt, but I need to work soon or start to incur it. It feels futile to get settled here, my place is with him, period. Life is too short. Am I crazy to think of picking up and leaving my home after just moving in? On the one hand, people say you need to be “whole” before commitment. Yet, I am as “whole” as I have been in so many years in the important ways, knowing who I am. What I DO is not so important. I am smart, capable, and responsible. I finally believe it and so does he. — Feeling Whole

Are you crazy to think of picking up and leaving, for a man you’ve been on four dates with, a home you just moved into after leaving the home you shared with your abusive ex-husband? Yes. I think you might be a little bit crazy. And not in the woo-crazy-in-love way, either. I mean crazy in the you-sound-a-little-off-your-rocker kind of way. Like someone who’s been in prison for many years and gets a taste of freedom and suddenly wants to do everything, all of it, right now, there’s not a second to lose.

Did you read Monday’s column? You should. The LW was another woman who felt strongly that she’d found her soulmate and had to immediately move to be with him. Spoiler alert: moving so quickly wasn’t the best idea.

Look, it’s great that you’ve met someone you can laugh with and whose company you enjoy, who SPOILS you when you drive hours to see him on your birthday (though, if he really wanted to spoil you, couldn’t he have driven to you??). But that doesn’t mean you should pick up and move to be with him. You don’t really know the guy very well yet. Doesn’t it bother you that he thinks family is “jacked up” and that’s part of his reason for not introducing you to his? Do you really believe that, in one’s 40s, it’s really “us vs. all the rest”? Is that why you’re in such a rush to hitch yourself to someone? Because you feel like everyone else has someone and you’re only ever connected to the one person you’re coupled-up with? That’s so… it’s just such a strange way of thinking. I’m in my 40s as are a lot of people I know, and I certainly don’t think that it’s my husband and I against everyone else. We depend on other people for a lot of things — good company, advice, child care help, and emotional support, to name a few. We count on others to feel less alone in our struggles as well as our joys. How lonely and isolating to think there’s only one person who is meant to be your everything.

I think what’s most confusing about your letter is that you claim to be so “whole,” while also in the midst of “great transition and re-birth.” Feeling “whole” is a description better used on the other side of a transition and re-birth, not in the midst of it. Indeed, it does sound like you are searching for your place in the world and how best to define yourself, and I can promise you that using a man to measure your worth is not the answer, especially on the heels of an abusive marriage. You say you are smart, capable, and responsible, and that you finally believe it and so does George. That’s great. Then you should believe he’s not going anywhere. You can take your time getting to know him and making sure you want the same thing before sacrificing the independence you’ve just tasted and the new life you’ve begun carving for yourself. If he doesn’t wait, or if you fear he won’t, then he’s really not such a match for you after all.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

27 comments… add one
  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom March 2, 2017, 10:46 am

    Four dates in five months isn’t much at all. If the two of you are so into each other that you are willing to move to be with him why haven’t you seen each other, in person, more than four times? The first year we were married my husband and I were five hours apart and we saw each other every weekend. I realize you both have kids and want to see their events but I think if the two of you wanted to see each other one or the other of you could drive the 2.5 hour drive every weekend. You should both be making the effort to see each other regularly so that you can get to know each other.

    I consider it a red flag that he doesn’t want you to meet his family. Maybe they’re messed up and he doesn’t want to be around them but maybe he’s messed up and they want nothing to do with him. You need to take your time and get to know him for real before making any move. That means you know in depth why he doesn’t get along with his family.

    Get a job where you live and be an independent woman for a few years. Let the relationship develop at a natural pace. Be very picky about who you let into your life. Give this guy a chance but also give yourself the gift of time to see if the two of you are actually a good, long term match.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom March 2, 2017, 10:53 am

    Being spoiled on your birthday is nice but far more important is getting to know him enough to know whether you can rely on him. Will he have your back when the going gets tough. Will he be with you through sickness like cancer or some serious disability. Will he be there for you when you are down. Can you trust him to not cheat on you or lie or steal from you. The two people that I know who each married someone they barely knew had their someone wipe out their bank account and disappear soon after the marriage. That happens when someone moves to rapidly in a relationship.

    Make your life a happy life and then add a special someone to that life.

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  • avatar

    ramah March 2, 2017, 10:57 am

    I really think moving right now would be a bad idea. I agree with Wendy – you’re kind of all over the place with how you feel about your self. One minute you say you feel ” incomplete w/o him in a real, physical way” and the next “I am as ‘whole’ as I have been in so many years in the important ways, knowing who I am”??? Is it just me, or those two statements (from the same paragraph!!!) completely contradictory?

    I think it’s great that you’ve found someone you connect with, but I think you’re also in danger of latching yourself onto another abusive partner. I’m not saying this guy is (I don’t really get the family is “jacked up” thing? maybe a red flag?) but you really don’t know him well enough to know that he’s not. You’ve only had FOUR dates with him! Chatting online and talking on the phone are great, but they also make it very easy to hide less-than-stellar qualities.

    I think they very best thing you can do for yourself is to get settled on your own. Actually live with yourself for a while, complete the transition from your marriage into being an independent, self-sufficient adult and THEN consider moving closer to this guy. You can keep seeing him, but if you never truly live on your own, you won’t actually heal into a whole person.

    Sidenote: If he gets upset because you won’t move in with him right away, that is a HUGE RED FLAG. He should want you to be ready and confident with your decision, rather than trying to guilt you into this. Moving you away from your “jacked up” family could potentially be the first step to isolating you, aka the first signs of abuse. PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH YOURSELF.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie March 2, 2017, 10:58 am

    Can you hear the sound of my head hitting the desk… hard?

    You found someone awesome, that’s great. You know what’s not great? Moving your teenager kid 2.5 hours away for someone you’ve been dating for 5 months. Seriously. Would you advise your best friend, sibling or child to just “go for it! because they’re so similar and everything “feels right””? No, you wouldn’t.

    You want to shut out your family, your friends for this person? Why? Why is family so jacked? I have crazy family members that would not be in the first rounds of introduction, but if you’re so compatible and have so much in common – what is preventing you from meeting family? If your experiences are so similar I would expect that you would each slide right into the mix.

    I’m in my 40’s too – I don’t have kids but damn, if I’m going to upturn my life for someone, I had better have more than 4 dates under my belt. I want to know if they leave their wet towel on the bed, if they treat their friends and family well, if they have hidden debt, if they like when I sing stupid shit like “I’m making popcooooooorn! Popcorn!” I want to know if they keep their house immaculate, horrendous or something in between. I want to know if they share desert or will eat hunched over as if they spent time in prison.

    Sounds like you’re still in the honeymoon phase. Don’t confuse being older for being wiser.

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    • avatar

      Marie March 3, 2017, 1:33 pm

      Well, I hope you didn’t hurt your head on account of me! (hitting the desk)
      I will comment below to fill in a few blanks, but I am thankful for the responses, and not disappointed that I took the time to write.

      Thank you!!

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  • avatar

    findingtheearth March 2, 2017, 10:59 am

    My boyfriend and I live 3.5 hours apart. We have set up times over the next two months to see each other at least twice a month. We both have jobs; I have a kid. But we also included times to meet family and friends in our upcoming visits so we can see how that all goes.

    Also, you do need to consider your children. They may be older, but they will still be effected by a relationship and a move.

    I also agree with Wendy that you are perhaps too focused on this idea of rebirth and being whole. Take some more time to get independent, start working, start being you without a mate.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros March 2, 2017, 11:08 am

    You’re writing your letter like you’re a character in a movie, and it’s coloring your entire view of the situation. You’re dating a guy who does nice things for your birthday, makes you laugh, and you enjoy spending time with, but you are immediately perceiving those things as meaning that he’s some kind of soulmate. Maybe it’s because you haven’t experienced those things often, and don’t realize that while it’s nice, it’s sort of expected of someone you’re dating who likes you and you like them.

    I guess my question for you is, what’s the harm in saying, “I like this guy and enjoy spending time with him, but I acknowledge I haven’t known him that long and am going to remain practical and take some more time before entering into a long-term commitment to make sure we’re good together and it’s what we truly want.” It’s less convenient? It feels like exciting? You don’t get to be the main character of a rom-com in her epic romance? I mean, I have tons of friends who didn’t make any big life changes for their partners for over a year (or more), and their love for each other is no less special than your feelings are for him. But they are rational people who want to make good life decisions, so they waited. You could do that too.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros March 2, 2017, 11:10 am

      Also, being in your 40s doesn’t mean that you have to emotionally barricade yourself in with a romantic partner and oppose everyone on the outside. Most of the people I know who are in their 40s have a rich social life that includes family and friends. The opposite is a good way to end up as a lonely senior citizen one day with no social interaction.

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  • avatar

    Ron March 2, 2017, 11:41 am

    Just about any guy can spoil you on your birthday (although you had to drive to him. From your description he has never driven the whole distance to you. Doesn’t that say something, that he is never willing to come more than halfway to see you?) It’s really not that hard to make it through 4 dates without revealing big warts (although you seem so besotted that you are ignoring the big red flag of the way he talks about family.) He might be as amazing as your brain on hormones has decided he is, but you don’t have enough experience with him to know that for sure.

    You talk about your finances, but say (or know?) nothing about his. He has a child who will be in high school for 2 more years, and whom you’ll spend significant time with if you move, and you are deciding to move to your bf without even meeting the son. Does that make any sense? Yes, I’m sure you’ll meet the son before you move, but you write as if you’ve already 99% made the decision to move in your own head.

    The other commenters make the good point that for someone who has all but decided to move to her bf, the two of you have made little effort to see each other more in person. Why is that? It goes against your soulmate talk.

    You’ve left an abusive relationship. If you’ve done any reading about abusers, you know how charming they can be as they reel you in. You do not REALLY know that his guy isn’t another abuser. There IS a reason he doesn’t want you to meet and talk to his family. He IS hiding something. Maybe/probably not abuse, but something. Is he the one pushing you to move so INCREDIBLY fast or are you simply that desperate?

    You really don’t write with someone on enough an emotional equilibrium to be making this big a decision right now. You say life is short, but you likely have another 40 years of life ahead of you. Why the rush? It’s like you are afraid that if you don’t grab this guy this exact second that your fantasy will vanish and reality will intrude.

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  • avatar

    Janelle March 2, 2017, 11:44 am

    I think we need a standard cut and paste here for all the “we met online and a few months later I want to move to him” questions. Here, I’ll write it:

    NO.

    That’s it.

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  • avatar

    Scarlet A March 2, 2017, 11:59 am

    I really feel for LW here. When you come from an emotionally barren, abusive marriage, someone who treats you well (or even just okay) can feel so intoxicating. It’s like a hit of a drug. And maybe you are afraid to lose this One Good Relationship you’ve found.

    LW, there are a few things you should know:

    – There are other men who would treat you as well as George treats you. Does that mean what you have with George isn’t special? No. But it’s good to keep in mind that this is not your one true chance at happiness.
    – George will still be there in a year. You don’t need to rush to lock it down! I was frantic to move in with my new boyfriend after six months post-separation, but we didn’t, and it’s the best thing I didn’t do. We’re still together, but approaching an upcoming move-in with a lot more knowledge, security and peace. (It’s now been 2.5 years).
    – You say you’re in a time of transition and re-birth. Give yourself the space to have that transition before you make huge decisions. Find yourself again. Join a club, give some time to hobbies (or find some new ones), connect with your kid. Be the person you never got to be during your marriage and see who that is.

    I know you’ve never felt more whole in your life and I completely relate, having been loosed from a terrible marriage 3 years ago now. But please trust me that “more whole than ever” doesn’t mean “whole”, necessarily. You’ll appreciate giving yourself that space to be you.

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    • avatar

      csp March 2, 2017, 12:43 pm

      I love this answer.

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      Hannanas March 3, 2017, 8:50 am

      This is so sweet.

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  • avatar

    wobster109 March 2, 2017, 2:22 pm

    Hey LW, I don’t think any of us will convince you not to leap, so I won’t try to stop you. But I hope you’ll take a couple weeks to do Wendy’s list of 15 Things Before Moving In (http://dearwendy.com/15-things-couples-should-do-before-moving-in-together/). Even if you skip numbers 8 and 11, at least do all the ones that have to do with discussions and logistics. Then after that, if you still want to move forward, you do you.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo March 2, 2017, 3:35 pm

    Hey, family IS jacked up! (What does that even mean, by the way? Anyone? Bueller?) I always have a bit of a challenge with anyone who says they connect with anyone on a “soul” level, unless they mean that they both like Marvin Gaye. But I mean, after only four dates, would you have even been to a bar together? Would you even know if he likes Marvin Gaye by then? I mean, the odds are good, Marvin Gaye is awesome, but by the fourth date, i doubt I’d even have covered Canadian indie bands, much less a huge category like soul. I mean, even classic soul, like Otis Redding, Curtis Mayfield or Aretha Franklin encompasses a huge amount of music, never mind James Brown, never mind the last 5 decades, etc. But the LW means something SO much more profound than a love of a particular style of music. She means something eternal and ineffable – something you can’t really even define, much less argue against. Look, we all know limerence equals magical thinking, but a divorced lady in her 40s with three kids ought to have lived through enough not to allow herself to be such a schmuck. You cannot move to be with someone until you for sure know if they like Stevie Wonder! THAT would be truly jacked up.

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    • avatar

      Rava March 3, 2017, 5:09 am

      Whahahahahahaa I love your mind

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  • avatar

    Essie March 2, 2017, 3:43 pm

    You’ve gotten some very wise advice above. Especially listen to what Scarlet A said about the effect of someone being kind to you after you get out of an abusive relationship. It is like a drug. I’ve seen this happen a couple of times with friends – they fall, and fall HARD, and it’s not the person they’re responding to, it’s the kindness. Being treated like they’re important and interesting and desireable after years of being treated like they aren’t any of those things.

    You really don’t know this guy. You only know what he’s chosen to show you. I’m not saying he’s trying to deceive you, I’m saying that in the very early days of a relationship, people put on their best face, and you need time to see the real person. Right now, you have a partial picture of him, and you’re filling in the blanks with a whole lot of wishful thinking. A whole lot. The infatuation and fantasy thinking just pours of your letter.

    Have you given any thought to how this move will impact your children, one of whom I assume lives with you? You’re lost in your dreamy-eyed fantasy, but have you thought about the consequences of taking your child away from family and friends, and moving them into the home of a man they’ve never met? You’ve never seen your very new boyfriend interact with your children. You’ve never observed him with his own children. You don’t know a thing about HIS family, because he won’t talk about it, and yet you’re ready to expose your kids to a “jacked-up” bunch of people?

    If it were just you, I’d say that I think you’re setting yourself up for a lot of heartbreak, but you’re an adult, it’s your call. That’s not how it works when you have children. They come first, and you can’t throw aside their comfort and safety so you can live in a romance-novel fantasy.

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  • avatar

    carolann March 2, 2017, 7:11 pm

    It surprises me when someone is so easily impressed. Lots of people will laugh at the same things. Lots of people have similar school experiences. That doesn’t make them your “soulmate”. I am a much more picky person personally. This woman comes off as a little desperate to me. I believe in playing a little hard to get.
    Did she mention his financial situation or what he does for a living?
    Has she ever been to his house or was her overnight at the local motel 6 cause she is being hidden from his family and friends?
    I get a weird vibe off this. Like this guy sees a financially independent woman yet wounded woman and thinks he has a future sugar mama or maybe this guy isn’t divorced yet and is setting up some side stuff? I know that isn’t nice to say, but this woman coming off as such an eager beaver makes me think she may be an easy target for a dishonest person.
    Dishonest people are REALLY good at zeroing in on what the other person needs to hear. They are good at becoming whatever type of person that person is looking for when they may be very different in actuality.
    I get a bad feeling off of this. She needs to slow down and be more cautious for her kids and for herself. Has she even dated anyone else since her divorce?
    Sometimes being alone for a while is good for the soul. Has this woman ever been alone? ???????

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    • avatar

      Ron March 2, 2017, 8:06 pm

      She’s either been alone for a year and a half before she met current guy or she dated other people, because she’s been divorced for two years. If she was separated prior to divorce, which is suggested by the long period of counseling and healing she refers to prior to the actual divorce.

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      • avatar

        Ron March 2, 2017, 8:12 pm

        What I still really don’t get, apart from she’s only met this guy 4 times in person and he’s never bothered to drive all the way to see her, is that she has basically decided in her mind that she will move in with him, although she has yet to meet the sophomore son, whom she will also be living with and at least partially helping to raise, depending upon what the shared custody/visitation arrangements are. I agree that in many ways, this guy just doesn’t ring true. Of course, she never says that he asked her to move in with him, so the rush may be entirely one-sided and this soulmate stuff may be only in her head. If he was eager to have her move in at this time, I think she would have said that.

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    carolann March 2, 2017, 11:03 pm

    @Ron I guess what I meant was, has she been alone or in her own for any significant amount of time? She mentions the counseling etc before she filed for divorce. (Not sure of counseling was both before and after) If She married young she may not have been alone for much time ever in her life. And she just recently moved out of the family home. Is this the first time she has been completely on her own? She mentioned being ill for a year, still living in the family home, so I don’t think she was able to really experience being on her own during that time. I just know that if someone has been a couple their whole life, being alone may be so unfamiliar that they may be in a hurry to couple back up and not even realize it.
    She seems in such a hurry.

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  • avatar

    carolann March 2, 2017, 11:25 pm

    And the mans sophomore son she mentions…he might not have even heard of her yet. She says he video chatted her at his game, but the son was probably unaware of it. She says his family is aware of her, but we don’t know that for sure. I call b***s**t on that.
    She mentions twice that he is black. Does that matter?
    She says her “soul feels incomplete without him in a real physical way”. That sounds to me like she hadn’t had sex in a long time and he gave her the long slow “quiet storm” (my husband and I have an inside joke about that) at the motel 6 and she went all chicken lady. (For those of you who don’t know the chicken lady just search “chicken lady from The Kids In The Hall”.) She needs to give this a minute.

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  • avatar

    carolann March 2, 2017, 11:36 pm

    On her birthday he probably “spoiled” her with his D**k In A Box hahahahahahaha
    Sorry, I am in a smart ass mood this evening.
    But some woman (and some men) DO get overly attached when sex is involved. Especially if they haven’t had any in a long time or few partners in their lifetime. Just because he spent the night with you does not make him a keeper.

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  • avatar

    Marie March 3, 2017, 2:24 pm

    I will clarify; my 18 yr old son is living w/his dad primarily. I needed a break from the stress of him (he was exhibiting the anger/rage that I dealt with with his dad and it triggered the PTSD terror in me, though I knew he would never actually hurt me, I once felt safe with his dad, too. Although he has MY loving, open and compassionate heart, he learned baaaad ways of treating his mama from his dad – I know, I allowed it and for way to long) and as I readied the family home to sell (and figuring out where in the HECK to go with all the stuff my ex just left me with like a child having a tantrum) and take on the job of finding a new place, it was crucial to eliminate as much of the rest of the ‘stresses’ that still significantly affects my daily health. Love both of my children to death, but they put me down while I could barely walk for months (being a work-a-holic prior to that in any memory they have) and told me I was ‘fine’ and that it was ‘all in my head’ and that I ‘needed to get back to work’. Dad-speak, right there 🙁 Their father lost 5 jobs in an 8 yr time period and grew meaner and more depressed every day. I was a successful entrepreneur and held our family together financially, never accruing a dime of debt, despite his inability to keep a job. He told me he ‘never loved me and didn’t know if he ever did’ and never expressed remorse, ever for it, yet I prayed and did all I could to stay married for over 2 years after. So, yes much counseling before (he would never go) and after, including specialized care once PTSD was diagnosed. So, I have always been the ‘capable’, successful one and handled all of the ‘business’ of married life. (only bc he deferred to me, not by choice, though business is my thing). I lived on my own prior to marriage, my ex never did. Let me clarify: My son will be starting college locally in the Fall and both of my kids are very independent and athletic, very busy. I see them at least 2 x’s/wk typically, but neither are dependent upon me financially (I supported all 3 of us and the dog for the first yr after divorce, ex had no real responsibility, zero support, and I am ‘allowing’ him to have it now, since my savings is running out).

    George has been extremely encouraging since the moment we ‘met’ and his son has said ‘hello’ to me in an audio message, and my kids have done similar. He has NOT pressured me in any way. The distance between us is across known and extremely treacherous roadways in the winter and between that and his son’s schedule, George’s work schedule – (operations manager for shipping co 3rd shift, which is exhausting) and my up and down health/energy level, it would be difficult for anyone to make more time together, even if we lived close. He has full custody of his son, he sees/stays with his mother once in a while, but I understand, that THAT is a huge responsibility, and especially this age of development, etc. We discuss our children, struggles with, and how to handle them, etc.

    And about the ‘jacked-up’ family which bothers you all so much. I have had mixed feelings about it, but my own ‘family’ is very broken. I am the oldest of 4 siblings and I never see any of them. They have their own lives and when crisis invaded my life, none of them cared. Not even to the extent of reaching out to my kids!?! I have had NO family support during my abusive marriage, my divorce or my illness. NONE. My dad lives an hour drive away, and is remarried to a freak and only thinks about himself. Very simple-minded man, no clue about life. I rarely ever hear from him and if so, it’s only a recap of what’s going on, never wants to really know how I am, has NEVER offered to help (even as a single woman, if I needed help around the house? nope) My siblings are a fractured mess and it’s healthier I not worry about them. I love them all, would be there in an instant if I knew they had a need or just to be there, but I do not have that in return. I am not angry or bitter, I have had to let it go (as I don’t understand it) to be healthy bc it was me who tried to host holidays after my parents divorced and tried to keep us together, and only got accused of being a controlling ‘b’. Boundaries. My mom is my support, but she is disabled, nearly destitute and I feel a bit of stress now that I cannot do more to help her. I bought her a car 2 years ago, knowing she could never repay me, but I had the cash and it’s the least I could do. I love her crazy and she is always ‘there’ for me as she can and I for her.

    As far as George’s family . . . Ihear about drama with the sisters. And he is busy working and being a dad, however they to attend his son’s athletic events and are supportive of his children, have ‘hosted’ his son when we met for overnight. His ex is remarried for the 2nd time. It does bother me that he has never driven here. But I also understand that when we have met 1/2 way, he has to be sure his son is set with an adult and I can so relate to the fact that they always have something they forgot to tell you, that throws a monkey wrench into it. I would NOT move before/unless/until I do meet the boys (we had a plan to do that, but weather got in the way) and I do not feel that moving away would keep me from missing much with my kids. Unlike my ex, who was PARANOID about spending any money and controlled what we ordered at fast food, even, George is laid back and would encourage me to see them/my mom and be supportive of whatever I needed to do. So, as you can see, although I would LOVE to find a man with a huge, big, loving family that gathers often and enjoys each other, I know that is so often not reality and I have nothing to offer anyone in that way, either. I don’t feel the need to introduce any man to anyone except my mom and my kids, bestie and couple other friends. I have to limit my spending, so I am not running about shopping and going out, I worked so much that I lost touch with most of my friends, so the last year has been a blessing to be in a ‘time out’ however icky, to re-connect and enjoy them again. Believe me, I won’t allow anyone to isolate me from those few people in my life who matter.ever.again.

    You’ll be relieved to know that I am putting a firm foot down (we are meeting for dinner tonight) about the future. I do know that regardless of the reality of family, it is important to me (he did tell me that his family loved his ex and still does, so I am ‘the other woman’ already and don’t will not be part of any situation where I am rejected before I am ‘officially’ a part) and I WILL want to be able to be a loving, caring and positive part of any family.

    So, there is a bit ‘more’ for you to chew on. We sang Sunday School songs back and forth to each other over audio text when we first started chatting, b4 we even met. We grew up eating the same foods, I know his favorite color is red, that bread is a HUGE weakness, that he was ill and nearly died, and that he only received his BA 3 yrs ago. I know he has worked at may jobs and is very entrepreneurial-minded as well, that he has is certified in HR and has flexibility in his business management degree. I know that he is exhausted before his last night of work and that his love language is gifts and quality time. I know that he likes ‘The Notebook’ but doesn’t want anyone to know and risk his ‘man card’, I know that he does NOT like eggs (but loves to cook and would make them for me) and that he rarely drinks alcohol. He listens to praise and worship music most (I hear it in his audio texts, while driving or from home and noticed before he told me) and that he loves to help people and has a very giving heart.

    So, while I have no imminent plans to move to him and he has not asked me to, I have never felt such mutual respect, acceptance, or been genuinely ‘liked’, or adored in this way before and it makes it difficult to make the effort to build a life here, especially if it will just mean more upset sooner than later. Especially when I feel so drawn to be there with him, to love, support and be his life partner, a loving step-mom to his son while he is home and in this critical stage of life, etc. I know I have a huge heart and am forgiving to the enth degree, and I need to be realistic and smart.

    Crazy Marie – over.and.out. Be gentle with me?

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    carolann March 3, 2017, 4:01 pm

    @Marie I apologize for being such a smart ass, but I do agree you need to be realistic and smart.
    So did you say both your kids live with dad? That would make the transition easier.
    He sounds great. They all do at first, I am sure he has his hang ups and quirks just like every man and woman on earth. You should know a lot more than what hymns he sang or if he likes eggs.
    You are fixing up your condo to sell. Can you make the funds you have last until you are done and sell the condo? That will buy you a lot more time to get to know George before taking such a leap. (And give yourself a chance to get to know the area you will be possibly living in cause if the relationship doesn’t work out you will still be living and working there.) Being in an LDR short term can be exciting because you get to look forward to the time you get.
    You sound much more cautious in your response. In your original letter you sounded much more impulsive which is why everyone was telling you to slow down. Everyone is just looking out for you. A person can be extra vulnerable after a divorce especially when that person suffered abuse, ptsd etc. You should be extra careful when making decisions so soon after.

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      Marie March 3, 2017, 5:02 pm

      Yes, carolann – I am a very careful, cautious person by nature. I know my original post was difficult to include the information I felt necessary to describe the situation, so I likely trimmed the things that gave me any hint of ‘reserve’ or ‘levelheadedness’. To illustrate, I notified no less than 4-5 people when I drove over an hour to meet George the first time. I told them his name, his children’s names, his occupation and employer, his cell phone #, his email, his address, sent a picture of him AND made arrangements to check in w/them and had a panic procedure in place should I feel unsafe. I chose the town AND the restaurant we met at and they all knew this as well. I took a selfie of us and sent to my bestie, which he was eager to allow. He always knows that my kids, mom and good friends know I am traveling to be with him, I am never ‘alone’ even just on the road, someone always knows when I left, when to expect me back and where I am SUPPOSED to be in-between. He makes sure I get home safely which leads to more time talking.

      Prior to my divorce, I was constantly ridiculed by my ex as being unable to make a decision, but guess what?!? I found out that HE was the fraidy cat all along and I have made great decisions and not taken forever to, either. I am not a ‘jump on the bandwagon’ when it comes to the latest technology or anything else, so just ‘on-line’ dating is out of the box for me. I did meet 5? or so other guys in person, but I did not even think of dating in the first year after my divorce, as I learned was so important in DivorceCare class. I do see how differently you ‘see’ things the further away from it you get and in my class, I took great solace in the fact that I was much, much further along in my healing that some who had been divorced for far longer. I only agreed to meet the others after being able to ascertain that they were legit and we met in very public places, no time alone, I had several peeps aware of what I was doing and with whom. I did not ‘click’ with any of them and saw no one a second time. I used on-line dating to reinforce for myself what would be acceptable; I was only looking for someone of MY standards and that no matter how ideal they seemed, I would NOT compromise my boundaries for my health and safety. It was a tremendous empowerment exercise. There were certain answers that were an automatic ‘delete’ that no matter how good-looking or nice they seemed, (and later, learning that perhaps was not a correct answer) I did not give a second glance. I am extremely detailed and if a man was serious about finding love, he needs to be detailed and accurate also. I reasoned that if they were careless with those details and had little to say, we would likely not be a ‘fit’ anyway, so I had no feeling I may be ‘missing’ someone. No soup for YOU! I am worth your time to be accurate, was my mind-set.

      I was financially stable, making a good living and very happy to be on my own until illness just kind of took the wind out of my sales. I had co-workers / friends commenting daily about how different I was and that they were happy I was free. After a year of sickness and being nearly completely disabled for a while, I finally know I have Lyme Disease and am on week 7 of ‘natural’ treatment. It is helping! Medical doctors did nothing but look at me like I had 10 heads bc all of my labs were ‘normal’, so it must be in my heard?!? Plus, I MUST be depressed bc I was newly divorced. omw!! If they ONLY knew how absolutely freeing it was to be single again. Regardless, I am so thankful to be on the mend!!

      To clarify – I sold the family home and paid cash for a condo, in January, but it needed tremendous updating and as I discovered, it was a good thing I made the decision to spend the $ to replace ALL flooring, bc the more time I spent here, the more I realized they had had at least one cat that I was allergic to! I was able to have all the work done prior to moving in. I have money in the bank, but to leave it there will mean having CC debt from the renovating, so from no debt and a year’s worth of savings to nuttin – I have spent the week updating my resume, trying to purge down to just 2 pgs but still include anything important. I am touching base w/the support professionals who fought to work with me in busieness, but it difficult for them to see me not as the tough, driven business-woman and truly believe that I don’t need a ‘career’ but I would actually prefer a support position and leave the added stress in my past for now. And bc of my financial situation, I don’t need to make a huge living, although ditching the expensive COBRA payment would help a TON and it does expire before the end of this year, so FT employment eventually is a must.

      My son will be in college in the Fall and my daughter is busy working several jobs (already a cadet police officer in training!) and in Criminal Justice program full time. She moved out last summer to live w/family and have a bit more independence, but also be ‘part’ of a healthy family situation, helping them with some things also. Kids are coming around, son is happy I have found someone and daughter is starting to acknowledge the ‘new’ mom, though it has been almost 2 years now since I was free to be me and relaxed and happy.

      I am NOT looking at George as my savior or a way ‘out’ of my predicament. Quite conversely, he has encouraged me to be positive about the future, about my health and even suggested I write a book and/or check to see how many credits I need to finish my education. I did ck and I only need 3 classes for my Associates degree and he had me list the top 5 occupations I have seen myself doing. He suggested life coach, counselor as he sees tremendous value in my experience and strength to carry on in a positive manner. He helped me realize that I needed to at least consult with disability attorney, that it would be silly to try to navigate that journey on my own, especially while ill. He has truly done so much to support me, encouraging me to heal, reiterating that he did not want to be/become an added stress in my life, so always evaluating how I am doing since he knows the distance is difficult.

      I do pray he is exactly as he has been to me, yet I do know that until we ‘see where/how the other lives’, it is even hard to say we are ‘dating’, yet I have no interest in thinking about anyone else. He says his family is a ‘rainbow’, so my whiteness is nothing new, but he does seem to feel a bit insecure about ‘my people’ accepting me being with him. I posted a pic of us on FB finally from my birthday dinner and everyone commented how good to see the ‘twinkle’ back in my eye and that they could tell the attraction, that he appeared very genuine, even just in the photo.

      I too, wanted to throw-up in my mouth when someone said ‘soul mate’. I think that for someone who only felt the ‘connection’ from my side in my 20+ yr marriage, it is almost miraculous that we finish each other’s sentences, we have the same ideas. Honestly, that we find the same things funny and laugh together AND at each other . . . my ex never ‘got’ me and after so many years, I just felt lonelier and lonelier in the marriage.

      I am truly appreciative of any/all comments. I hope I can be a contributor to others who come here for a ‘second pair of eyes’.

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        Seriously? Seriously! March 4, 2017, 5:26 pm

        FWIW– you should think about taking out a mortgage or a home equity line rather than credit card debt– the rates are substantially better, and a home equity line especially if you anticipate paying it back within 5 years. You can deduct the interest from your taxes once you’ve started working. This will give you more wiggle room and you can enjoy your life as you look for work and start working again. You can talk to someone about “good debt”– being debt free is all wel and good but not if the fallback is bad debt.

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