I’ve heard stories of him being a bit of a “manslag,” but none of this puts me off him. I won’t even go on a date with another guy because I feel so strongly about him. I have asked him how he feels, and he said he does have feelings for me but doesn’t know what he wants. He’s told me he loves me on a couple of occasions, but it’s something I find a little hard to believe.
A few months ago I fell pregnant, but I didn’t tell him as I was scared how he would react. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage, and he still doesn’t know. I’m really unsure of what I should do. We tried to stop the whole flirting/flanter but that lasted an entire week, as it seems that we (or I) just can’t stay away.
So, should I carry on and stay stuck in this complicated situation or should I get out of it (and if so, how?)? And also, do I tell him about the pregnancy? Does he deserve to know or should it stay hidden in the dark? — Co-Workers with Benefits
I don’t care what you’re referring to, if a question ever includes the phrase, Should I stay stuck?, the answer is always “no.” You know this “relationship” isn’t going anywhere. It’s been a whole year, and you still haven’t even had a date with this guy. If he wanted you as a girlfriend, he would have taken you out for a few dinners by now. As it stands, he barely wants anything to do with you. He says he loves you? Pshh. You’re right not to believe that. This isn’t love; it’s convenience. He doesn’t love you; he loves how easy you are.
As for how you get out of this fling, you stop having sex with him. The end. When he calls you or, more likely, texts you and asks you to come over for a quickie, you ignore him. If he asks you at work what you’re up to later, tell him you’ve got plans. When he starts acting more invested because suddenly you aren’t so easy and that piques his interest, fill your schedule up with fun stuff so you aren’t tempted by his requests to hang out.
In regards to the miscarriage, which I’m sorry you had to experience, I wouldn’t bother telling your co-worker/fling. What would be the point? It’s not going to change your relationship. It’s not going to make him suddenly want something more with you. And you’re not going to get retroactive support. You probably aren’t going to get support at all. What could he say or do that would make things better? At best, he’ll say he’s sorry you had to go through that. At worst, he may say he doesn’t believe you or that he’s relieved you aren’t still pregnant. And this isn’t about him “deserving” to know or not. What does that even mean, anyway? That he somehow has earned your trust? Trust me, he doesn’t care. If your trust is what he was after, he’d have upgraded your status in his life from casual booty call to someone he at least cares enough about to see a movie with.
Forget this guy. Move on. Turn to a good friend or two to help you process and grieve the loss of your pregnancy. Decide you want better and don’t settle for being some guy’s easy lay. Fill your time with activities and people who bring you happiness and make you feel loved. Don’t leave yourself open and vulnerable to the seductive charms of a horny co-worker who “doesn’t know what he wants,” which, by the way, is code for, “I just want to have sex with you, but, if I say that, you’ll probably stop having sex with me, so I’ll just say I don’t know what I want and hopefully that will buy me a little more time until you figure out this train ain’t ever leaving the station.”
Love yourself better.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.