Recently, we all had a fun night of drinking, playing drinking games around the kitchen table. After a lot of beers and a few shots, John starts texting me about how he’d really like to kiss me, urging me that he won’t remember it in the morning. John has a girlfriend whom he’s been dating for a year, they plan on moving in together next month, and he mentioned for a second time that very night that he was considering proposing to her. Well, unfortunately, all that beer coupled with my secret, long-time feelings for John, meant that John became very hard to resist. (I’ve had feelings for him since high school). We ended up in bed together. We talked about it afterward, and he told me how it was just lust-driven sex (I agreed, the sex meant nothing), and that it didn’t change his feelings for his girlfriend. He also told me that he has cheated on her once before, early on in their relationship (it was just kissing in that instance). John never told his girlfriend about the infidelity, as John is certain that she would leave him if she knew. I later learned that John also cheated on another of his ex-girlfriends.
The next day John texted me that he didn’t remember anything past his second shot. I’m not sure if I believe him; his phone is similar to mine: in order to text me, he has to pull up our text log. He would have seen the last come-hither message he sent me. In addition, I know for a fact we went at it till we were sore down there, so he would have felt that in the morning and wondered where it came from. I feel terrible that I slept with another woman’s man. She is going to be devastated if she finds out. And I’m very upset that we did something that could jeopardize John’s relationship with her because he seems so happy with her.
Right now I am trying to decide whether or not to tell John that we slept together (assuming he isn’t feinting oblivion). If I tell John, he can decide whether or not to tell his girlfriend before the relationship gets more serious. I know it is the honorable thing to do, but I am terrified that John will stop inviting me out to hang with the guys (he is my link to them). Hanging out with them has meant so much to me as I haven’t had friends in a long time. I may also lose respect in John’s eyes for sleeping with him while he is in a relationship. However, the few people I’ve trusted with this secret have told me that it may just be best to leave it be. They say that, if no one has to get hurt, then they see no reason in hurting anyone. Based on his decisions regarding his past infidelities, I don’t think John would tell his girlfriend about this infidelity even if he knew about it, but all the same, should I tell him the truth, which gives him the choice to either be honest or live with his guilt, or is it kinder to leave him in the dark and let him be happy with his girl?
I should also mention that I’ve only ever had sex with one other partner (a virgin), so there is no need for either John or his girl to worry about getting an STD from me. Help, Wendy! — One Night Stand
John knows he had sex with you and he’s lying when he says he doesn’t remember anything past his second shot. He’s just trying to save face and avoid any drama. In his mind, what is left unremembered didn’t happen and he’s off the hook for any responsibility. John sounds like a real douche bag, and, if I were you, I would MOA from him and focus on making some new friends. He’s a chronic cheater and he doesn’t seem to respect you as a friend (urging you to kiss him, lying to you about not remembering sex with you, etc.), not to mention you have “secret, long-time feelings” for him and he has a girlfriend. This is not a good friend match for you. Not at all.
Forget about John and his beer-drinking buddies. Find a therapist to help you address and work through the social anxiety you developed after ending your abusive relationship. Reach out to other people at your new company to form friendships. Do you like bowling? Softball? Hell, even drinking beer and playing video games like you did with douchey John and his pals could be an appealing activity for inviting colleagues/potential friends to come join you.
Whether or not you make other friends (and you most definitely will, if you put in some effort; here are some more friend-making tips), I cannot stress enough how wrong John is as a friend for you. Don’t let your secret feelings or the convenience of a built-in pseudo friend group lure you to the dark side. John is bad news — for you, for his girlfriend, and probably for any other woman unlucky enough to attract his attention. MOA.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.