Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Should I Tell Him We Slept Together?”

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About eight months ago I got out of an abusive relationship that left me with social anxiety and few friends. For the past month or two an old acquaintance from high school and I have been getting to know each other better as we both work for the same company. “John” has been inviting me over with increasing frequency to hang out with some other guys I was acquaintances with in high school (I just graduated college). I’m so happy! I feel like I’ve been accepted into the group. We mostly get together to play video games or drink beer.

Recently, we all had a fun night of drinking, playing drinking games around the kitchen table. After a lot of beers and a few shots, John starts texting me about how he’d really like to kiss me, urging me that he won’t remember it in the morning. John has a girlfriend whom he’s been dating for a year, they plan on moving in together next month, and he mentioned for a second time that very night that he was considering proposing to her. Well, unfortunately, all that beer coupled with my secret, long-time feelings for John, meant that John became very hard to resist. (I’ve had feelings for him since high school). We ended up in bed together. We talked about it afterward, and he told me how it was just lust-driven sex (I agreed, the sex meant nothing), and that it didn’t change his feelings for his girlfriend. He also told me that he has cheated on her once before, early on in their relationship (it was just kissing in that instance). John never told his girlfriend about the infidelity, as John is certain that she would leave him if she knew. I later learned that John also cheated on another of his ex-girlfriends.

The next day John texted me that he didn’t remember anything past his second shot. I’m not sure if I believe him; his phone is similar to mine: in order to text me, he has to pull up our text log. He would have seen the last come-hither message he sent me. In addition, I know for a fact we went at it till we were sore down there, so he would have felt that in the morning and wondered where it came from. I feel terrible that I slept with another woman’s man. She is going to be devastated if she finds out. And I’m very upset that we did something that could jeopardize John’s relationship with her because he seems so happy with her.

Right now I am trying to decide whether or not to tell John that we slept together (assuming he isn’t feinting oblivion). If I tell John, he can decide whether or not to tell his girlfriend before the relationship gets more serious. I know it is the honorable thing to do, but I am terrified that John will stop inviting me out to hang with the guys (he is my link to them). Hanging out with them has meant so much to me as I haven’t had friends in a long time. I may also lose respect in John’s eyes for sleeping with him while he is in a relationship. However, the few people I’ve trusted with this secret have told me that it may just be best to leave it be. They say that, if no one has to get hurt, then they see no reason in hurting anyone. Based on his decisions regarding his past infidelities, I don’t think John would tell his girlfriend about this infidelity even if he knew about it, but all the same, should I tell him the truth, which gives him the choice to either be honest or live with his guilt, or is it kinder to leave him in the dark and let him be happy with his girl?

I should also mention that I’ve only ever had sex with one other partner (a virgin), so there is no need for either John or his girl to worry about getting an STD from me. Help, Wendy! — One Night Stand

John knows he had sex with you and he’s lying when he says he doesn’t remember anything past his second shot. He’s just trying to save face and avoid any drama. In his mind, what is left unremembered didn’t happen and he’s off the hook for any responsibility. John sounds like a real douche bag, and, if I were you, I would MOA from him and focus on making some new friends. He’s a chronic cheater and he doesn’t seem to respect you as a friend (urging you to kiss him, lying to you about not remembering sex with you, etc.), not to mention you have “secret, long-time feelings” for him and he has a girlfriend. This is not a good friend match for you. Not at all.

Forget about John and his beer-drinking buddies. Find a therapist to help you address and work through the social anxiety you developed after ending your abusive relationship. Reach out to other people at your new company to form friendships. Do you like bowling? Softball? Hell, even drinking beer and playing video games like you did with douchey John and his pals could be an appealing activity for inviting colleagues/potential friends to come join you.

Whether or not you make other friends (and you most definitely will, if you put in some effort; here are some more friend-making tips), I cannot stress enough how wrong John is as a friend for you. Don’t let your secret feelings or the convenience of a built-in pseudo friend group lure you to the dark side. John is bad news — for you, for his girlfriend, and probably for any other woman unlucky enough to attract his attention. MOA.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

85 comments… add one
  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl May 21, 2014, 9:13 am

    John is a douchecanoe. He remembers, he’s playing coy. F him, find better friends who don’t cheat on their girl friends.

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      csp May 21, 2014, 10:04 am

      douchecanoe? I have never heard that before.

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        j2 May 21, 2014, 11:01 am

        I agree with GatorGirl but — to paraphrase “Jaws!” — I think we need a bigger boat.

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      • avatar

        AbbyNormal May 21, 2014, 12:07 pm

        What about doucheyacht?

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        MsMisery May 21, 2014, 12:33 pm

        Douchebarge?

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      • avatar

        Simonthegrey May 21, 2014, 3:04 pm

        Set sail on the RMS Douchtanic?

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      • avatar

        csp May 21, 2014, 2:32 pm

        I have a thought about the down arrows. So I wonder if less people are commenting because they can just down arrow. Like with this down arrow, why does someone not like that? I am perplexed.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 21, 2014, 2:36 pm

        I was just bothered by the fact that you never heard that word before. I felt offended by your lack of fake vocabulary. 😉 Seriously though, maybe it was the person who invented the word!!

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  • avatar

    ktfran May 21, 2014, 9:14 am

    Wendy, I don’t think your link worked. I think were trying to link something?

    LW, WWS. Seriously. He totally remembers having sex with you. And even if he doesn’t remember all the details, he knows he had sex.

    Honestly, I would chalk this up to lesson learned and move on. He’s a dick, so don’t waste any more time thinking about it. In the future, don’t have sex with someone in a relationship, especially if you have feelings for him. One night of drunk sex is not worth feeling guilty and agonizing over what you should do. It’s just not worth it at all.

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    • Miel

      Miel May 21, 2014, 9:18 am

      And I see a bunch of other links for the words “partner”, “guys”, “girlfriend” etc. They don’t seem related at all…

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy May 21, 2014, 9:22 am

        Miel, I’m trying out a new text-linking program as a way to further monetize the site, but I think these are way too many links. I’ll see if I can adjust that number.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 21, 2014, 9:35 am

        Oh bummer, I thought the links were shopping suggestions and you were recommending beer 🙁

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy May 21, 2014, 9:37 am

        I’ve been enjoying an Ommegang beer lately, if that helps…

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 21, 2014, 9:47 am

        Haha, it does! You should do a memorial day drink video. Please! I have a new blender thing and only know how to make mudslides.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray May 21, 2014, 10:36 am

        Are you two done with this chit-chatting? Because some people (not me of course) are getting jealous!

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy May 21, 2014, 9:21 am

      Oops, thanks; link is up now.

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  • lemongrass

    lemongrass May 21, 2014, 9:15 am

    God, john is such a douche! He is lying because he doesn’t want to remember past the second shot because then he might feel guilty or like he’s a shitty person, which he is. So he puts all the burden on you while getting to walk away happy-go-lucky and continue his relationship with that poor woman. Consider this an eye opener to the kind of man john is- the kind where if it isn’t good for him it doesn’t matter. That really isn’t the kind of person you need in your life. Please listen to Wendy and get therapy and new friends.

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  • avatar

    Lily in NYC May 21, 2014, 9:26 am

    Ugh, of course he remembers! He is full of shit. He is probably aware that you have a crush on him and decided to take advantage of the fact. I feel like you want to believe him but this one does not deserve the benefit of the doubt – he planned to do this and it is blatantly transparent. Of course you should tell him and you should also let him know that it’s obvious he’s lying about “not remembering”. And please, learn to say what you feel; why did you tell him the sex meant nothing to you when it’s obvious it did? You will get more respect from a man if you are direct with him. I know you are young, but these are things I wish I knew when I was your age. 1. There’s nothing wrong with casual sex but don’t sleep with guys who have girlfriends or get into a fuck buddy thing with someone you have real feelings for. 2. Don’t pretend that you are one of those “cool” girls who doesn’t care about anything. All that will lead to is being treated like a doormat/booty call.

    I don’t think you necessarily have to stop hanging out as a group as long as you are aware that John is not a paragon of morality and make sure to keep him at arm’s length. But if you still have feelings, then find new friends. But don’t be surprised if he pulls away from you – he is worried his GF will find out and to be honest, he got what he wanted from you. And telling him doesn’t need to be the big deal you think it will be – just say “dude, give me a fucking break. of course you remember what happened and yes, we did have sex.” And then drop it. Or tell him you’re pregnant with his triplets (kidding! don’t do that).

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    • theattack

      theattack May 21, 2014, 9:47 am

      “Of course you should tell him and you should also let him know that it’s obvious he’s lying about ‘not remembering.'”

      THIS. LW, force him to own up to his shittiness here. Don’t let him pretend that he doesn’t remember what he did with you. Don’t be a vehicle for him to be a bad person. Make him do that on his own since he seems bent on it.

      Everything else you said was awesome too, Lily.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray May 21, 2014, 9:50 am

        Kind of makes you wonder how many other women John doesn’t remember sleeping with. Yikes.

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      • avatar

        peachy May 21, 2014, 10:02 am

        Right on! You may not have given him an STD, but did he give you one?!?

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray May 21, 2014, 10:36 am

        Wiser words were never spoken!

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      • theattack

        theattack May 21, 2014, 10:36 am

        For real. What a shitty feeling to have your sexual experience thrown away like that. LW should definitely get tested.
        .
        And LW, I would recommend going to Planned Parenthood for your test if possible, because they could be a great resource for you while you’re recovering from your abusive relationship as well. They can help you find what you need to find yourself again.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson May 21, 2014, 12:12 pm

        You worded that so much better than I did – it would suck to have your experience just completely invalidated like that. I can’t imagine someone playing dumb about having sex with me – clearly indicated that they regret it and are just going to pretend it didn’t happen. No one should have to have sex with someone that will then deny it like they’re worthless.

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      • theattack

        theattack May 21, 2014, 12:41 pm

        Well I think you worded it better in this comment, so there! It is pretty sad though.

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass May 21, 2014, 10:00 am

        I don’t know if calling him out is the best thing to do for the LW. She seems to be in a very vulnerable state and while it may seem satisfactory for us to call him out and all the names he deserves it may backfire on her. I can only imagine an ass like him would blow up at her for rocking his boat, gaslight her and talk shit about her to their mutual friends to save face. It could be even worse than that, he could continue to harass her to make sure she doesn’t tell his girlfriend, it could go on and on, doing way more harm to her than good. He likely wouldn’t own up to his shitty behaviour just because she throws it in his face. I don’t think it is a good risk for her to take, it would be better to walk away and work through it in therapy.

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      • theattack

        theattack May 21, 2014, 10:32 am

        Ehh, I see where you’re coming from, but I think she should say those things and cut off contact. It might be a risk, but it’s also a great start at asserting herself and taking her life back, which is really priority number 1 for someone who has been abused. To minimize the risk, she could say something like “I’m not going to tell your friends or your girlfriend about it, but you know we slept together, and I’m not going to let you pretend that you don’t remember that.”

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 21, 2014, 10:44 am

        Interesting. I liked lemon’s idea, but I think now I like your’s.

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      • theattack

        theattack May 21, 2014, 10:48 am

        haha, Thanks!

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass May 21, 2014, 11:10 am

        Geez LBH. TA, what do you think his response would be to it though? Sure, it’s easy for her to cut off contact but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he will. What if he starts harassing her? Wouldn’t that undo any progress she has made? And isn’t there something to be said for making those changes inside herself?

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      • theattack

        theattack May 21, 2014, 11:14 am

        We don’t have any reason to believe he’ll start harassing her just because she tells him that they had sex. Come on now. That’s a stretch. You can’t live your life in fear of saying a basic fact just because something COULD happen, even though you have no reason to believe it will. If it does escalate, she can get a protective order and report the harassment to the police.
        .
        I’m not sure what you mean by making changes inside of herself. You can’t learn to stand up for yourself just by thinking about doing it. You need practice, and this is a perfect place to do it. It’s a low risk situation, and she can be done with it easily enough. It wouldn’t necessarily undo any progress she’s made. She just needs to make sure she’s in therapy. This is how people heal and move on, so it should add to her progress.

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass May 21, 2014, 12:01 pm

        I mean figuring out why she slept with him, the emotional consequences of it, how to move on from it and how to meet her emotional needs in healthier ways. All those things that she will learn in therapy with or without confronting him. Personally I am not a confrontational person and I think if I was in her shoes confronting him would be the wrong move. I can’t see him saying “you’re right, I shouldn’t have put you or my girlfriend through that” he’ll probably say something like “it’s your fault, you slut.”

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      • theattack

        theattack May 21, 2014, 11:10 am

        And I just want to add that if the LW has been in an abusive relationship, she’s already used to walking on eggshells to keep someone from getting upset. It’s time to break out of that. She’s already come so far. Yes, she definitely needs therapy. She needs to schedule a therapy appointment (or at least a support group session) before she does anything else. But I talk to 30+ victims of DV and sexual assault a week here, and I used to do life counseling with victims as well. Laying low is not therapeutic. It’s easy. It’s safe. But it’s overall just keeping them down and engraining the things they did during the relationship into their post-abuse life as well when they could be practicing new techniques. This guy has very little control over her life, so she should be safe enough to say something to him. As long as she has a therapist or gets a therapist to help her process what happens, I am convinced that’s what is best for her.
        .
        Ultimately she needs to do what she wants though. And if she doesn’t want to confront him, she shouldn’t. That’s what’s most important.

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass May 21, 2014, 11:12 am

        You would know better than me, and I am certainly not advocating for her to act like this in all situations, I just don’t know if she is strong enough yet to handle things if he totally freaks out on her.

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  • LlamaPajamas

    LlamaPajamas May 21, 2014, 9:26 am

    LW, you seem very concerned about how you might have damaged your relationship with Douchebag, but I don’t think you recognize that Douchebag actually damaged his relationship with you. Like, you’re glad there’s no chance that Douchebag or his girlfriend would get an STD from you, BUT YOU MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN AN STD FROM HIM! You’re definitely going to want to get tested since cheating seems to be his MO. And you’re afraid that he’s going to lose respect for you since you slept with him when he has a girlfriend? Dude, YOU SHOULD TOTALLY LOSE RESPECT FOR HIM FOR CHEATING ON HIS GIRLFRIEND. Sorry for the all caps, but this is making me shouty. He was a douchebag to you – I have no idea why you still so desperately want his approval, respect, and friendship.

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    • katie

      katie May 21, 2014, 9:40 am

      yea this was my big take away from this too- and i would guess/assume it is a stay over from being in an abusive relationship for this particular LW. she is so worried about policing her own actions and feelings to placate/remedy the situation, she cant even see how horrid the situation is in the first place. it doesnt matter how shitty of a person he is, she needs approval more then anything. its a sad pattern.

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        Painted_lady May 21, 2014, 10:08 am

        Yeah, that was exactly what I assumed. No matter what, no other kind of abuse can occur without some amount of emotional abuse, and so the way that echoes throughout the rest of your life till you shake the thought pattern is, you are responsible for what other people think, feel, and do. You aren’t respected or treated well? It’s because you did something wrong. LW is in charge of whether or not they treat her well: if they’re assholes, it’s because she deserves it, not because they’re terrible people. If John doesn’t respect her, it’s because she doesn’t deserve respect. If she gets an STI, it’s because she’s stupid and irresponsible, but if John gets one, it’s because she’s stupid and irresponsible. The game is rigged so that she can never, ever win.

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      • katie

        katie May 21, 2014, 10:20 am

        yea i mean really, this particular situation shouldnt even matter. like it should be such a low priority to the LW. what should really be the priority is getting the help she needs to relate to people better.

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    • avatar

      BecBoo84 May 21, 2014, 10:04 am

      YES, YES, YES, I have to agree with Llama 1000%. I was totally thrown off by the STD comment as well. Sure, it’s not ideal that you slept with someone you knew had a girlfriend, but he’s the *sshole in this situation, not you.

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  • avatar

    bethany May 21, 2014, 9:27 am

    John knows you slept with him. He’s not an idiot, although he clearly thinks you’re an idiot!
    LW, he knows. He’s feeding you a line of crap. Don’t bring it up to him. Don’t bring it up to her. Just leave it alone. And one other thing- these guys aren’t your friends. Have you ever gone to lunch with them or called them up just to talk? Have you ever hung out with them in a non-drinking situation? You’re their token girl. They’re all probably hoping that they can hook up with you at some point. If you weren’t desperate for friends, this wouldn’t really be a big deal. But it’s obvious that you want legitimate friends out of this situation, and that’s not what you’re going to get. Sorry if that was harsh.

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  • avatar

    Painted_lady May 21, 2014, 9:36 am

    Yeah…if he didn’t remember what happened, how does he know to tell you he doesn’t remember what happened.
    *
    Un-fuck this guy. Anyone who has to “urge” you to do anything with him, means that you resisted and he didn’t respect it. Look, I’ve been in abusive relationships before. I grew up with an abusive father. You get really used to people telling you how to feel, and to people treating you like shit and swearing it’s normal and your expecting more is the actual problem. Honestly, you probably have no idea how much your thinking has been altered by your ex, and you won’t till you start sifting through all the shit he’s left you with. Get to therapy. You need it more than you realize right now.

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  • avatar

    Breezy AM May 21, 2014, 9:50 am

    Everything everyone else said. This guy remembers. This is his way of trying to not have sex with you again and get you to forget it happened so to speak. I would ignore this knob and not be around him again. Do not tell his girlfriend; that is to ease your conscience and for your benefit, not hers. If you wanted to be noble the time to do that was before fucking her boyfriend.

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest May 21, 2014, 9:52 am

    “John sounds like a real douche bag, and if I were you I would MOA from him and focus on making some new friends.”

    What Wendy said! What you guys did was sucky, but putting that aside…I feel for you on the friend front. That group sounded like a group I would enjoy, so it sucks you finally made friends only for them to be sucky. Keep trying!

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  • avatar

    Laura Hope May 21, 2014, 9:59 am

    You say that you want to remind John (no need) that he slept with you in the hopes that he will tell his girlfriend. I’m not buying that. I think you need to be honest with yourself. I think you’re nursing a fantasy that he will somehow choose you. I think that your self-esteem has been deeply eroded by the abusive relationship you endured and you don’t believe you can do better. But with help, you really can heal. (And yes, get yourself tested for STD’s).

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray May 21, 2014, 1:34 pm

      Oh oh oh WLHS for the win!

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  • avatar

    Lindsay May 21, 2014, 10:00 am

    I’m not sure telling someone who is pretending that you didn’t sleep together that you actually did is being noble. He wouldn’t have gone out of his way to tell you that if he wasn’t purposely doing so. And if you guys were “going at it” that long, then I doubt his alcohol level would have stayed high enough that he’d stay blacked out the whole time. (It’s a response to drinking too much too fast. A lot of people pass out/go to sleep after, but if you stay up, then you’re going to eventually start forming memories again.)

    Some people say to make him face it, others say to leave it. I don’t think it really matters. You slept with a douchebag, and this is one of the results. If you reminded him, it wouldn’t go any further than his own brain, I assume, so I wouldn’t presume that telling him is going to make much of a difference.

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  • avatar

    Essie May 21, 2014, 10:02 am

    Oh, honey, he absolutely remembers. That text was him saying “I’m going to pretend this didn’t happen, and you should too.”

    This guy was being pure pond scum, and here you are blaming yourself and apologizing. You made him lose respect for you. You ruined your friendship. You ruined his relationship with his girlfriend. Wanting to assure him that you didn’t give him an STD.

    I’m sure you can see that these thought patterns are left over from your abusive relationship. That’s why you need to find a good therapist, who can help you break these patterns.

    Oh, and definitely, see a doctor and get yourself checked. I’d bet good money that he’s done this with more than just one other woman.

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  • Amanda

    Amanda May 21, 2014, 10:06 am

    Okay – John is a douchenozzle. I mean, seriously. He used the fact that he won’t remember as a selling feature? Be glad you dodged that bullet, hoo boy.

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  • avatar

    iseeshiny May 21, 2014, 10:07 am

    Aw, no. What an asshole. I’d be less worried about any diseases you might have passed to him and more worried about what you could have picked up from a guy who consistently cheats on his girlfriend. (Seriously, if the reason you know you’re clean is because you had only one other partner who was a virgin before you IT IS TIME TO GET TESTED.)
    .
    But yeah, he totally remembers and this is his way of asking you to keep your mouth shut. Which, do what you want there but if it were me I’d just hang out with other people, he is not worth your time. Write him off.

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  • avatar

    TheRascal May 21, 2014, 10:36 am

    The slime (metaphorical. Hopefully not physical) is dripping off this guy. He is a liar and manipulator, preying on you in a state of emotional and chemical vulnerability.
    *
    Get tested ASAP.
    *
    You can make new friends.

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    • avatar

      TheRascal May 21, 2014, 11:28 am

      Adding this:
      In the future, don’t sleep with people who are in relationships.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle May 21, 2014, 10:38 am

    everyone is leaving good comments, so WEES & WWS. Because -my- main takeaway…is…HOW did you resist being like, “um we fucked last night LOL you don’t remember that??” I mean, when someone is all “dude what happened last night”, isn’t the first impulse to fill them in??

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray May 21, 2014, 10:58 am

      I dunno, I’d be more inclined to say “um we made sweet sweet love last night.” And then maybe I’d do creepy things like send him links to articles about what to expect when you’re expecting. And then I’d ask him to be “in a relationship” with me on FB, and I’d definitely tell him my parents are expecting him for Sunday night dinner with the fam and then just see how he reacts.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray May 21, 2014, 11:00 am

        (i’m kidding, i wouldn’t have the balls to do that; i’d probably do what lemongrass recommends above, which is just moving on… but i’d love it if this LW tried this and reported back)

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      • Diablo

        Diablo May 21, 2014, 11:08 am

        How about “I assume since we had sex last night that we’ll be getting married. Could we meet to discuss plans? Cuz i already told my mom.”

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      • rainbow

        rainbow May 21, 2014, 11:30 am

        Oh and your girlfriend has the pictures.

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      • Diablo

        Diablo May 21, 2014, 12:20 pm

        “And I’m late.” (Probably need to wait a week or so before confirming pregnancy.)

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        Painted_lady May 21, 2014, 4:45 pm

        Or, “Oh, thank goodness. I just got some results from….a screening. I thought I might have to send you there as well…”

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      • avatar

        snoopy128 May 21, 2014, 4:26 pm

        Whoever this guy is, I figure he must be a master texter in order to be like “i don’t remember what happened last night” but frame it in a way that isn’t asking her.

        Regardless, I would be angry and tell him you two had sex. Alll night long. Call him on his shit.

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    • avatar

      Lindsay May 21, 2014, 12:29 pm

      Or make something up and catch him in the lie. Tell him something else (that would be embarrassing or whatever) happened and see what he says.

      JK, sort of.

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    • Cassie

      Cassie May 21, 2014, 6:29 pm

      “We did the horizontal tango.”

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. May 21, 2014, 10:40 am

    Please get away from these people as fast as you can. They do not want to be your friends, they just want to take advantage of you. I would bet that John has told all his buddies that you slept together and they’re all hoping they can be next. I think you need to talk to a therapist to resolve some issues related to your past relationship and get some self-esteem back. John has no respect for you. And please, please get checked for STDs.

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  • theattack

    theattack May 21, 2014, 10:54 am

    “should I tell him the truth, which gives him the choice to either be honest or live with his guilt, or is it kinder to leave him in the dark and let him be happy with his girl?”
    .
    LW, all I’m hearing from you is what you should do to make him happy. What would make YOU happy? That’s the only question you need to answer here. Does it upset you that he’s pretending not to remember this experience with you? If so, you should tell him that. Or do you just want to cut off all contact with him and not worry about it? If that’s what you want, you should do that. It’s NOT a healthy option for you to continue being his friend and seeing him after all of this though.
    .
    It would be wonderful if you could use your college to make some new friends. If your college is no longer a resource for you, you could join a club or take a pilates class or join a bookclub.
    .
    You also very much need to be in therapy, and I would highly recommend support groups for survivors of abuse like yourself. You have come this far, which is AMAZING. You successfully got out of that relationship. You survived it, and you are so much stronger for it. You’ve successfully made a connection with a group of people, and you’ve been able to enjoy their company and have fun. You’ve proven to yourself that you can do that already, so you know you can do it again. You are on so much of an upswing with your life, and you’re seriously doing awesome. Now it’s time to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself and doing things that make YOU happy.

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    • theattack

      theattack May 21, 2014, 10:57 am

      Oh, and you graduated college through all of this?! Wow! That’s seriously impressive. You should be impressed with yourself, LW. Look at all that you’ve done! You’ve managed to do things that plenty of adults struggle with anyway (just look at any thread about making friends on here), AND you did it while you were under enormous amounts of stress.

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    • avatar

      Lindsay May 21, 2014, 11:17 am

      Good points. Why the heck is she so concerned with being “kind” to him? He chose to cheat on his girlfriend. It didn’t just happen to him.

      And I wouldn’t bet on him being all that guilty, as she thinks he’ll be. If he is, it’s warranted. Guilt isn’t a bad thing when you have something to feel guilty about.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo May 21, 2014, 11:07 am

    As Wendy said, John is a lying cheating douche, who obviously remembers banging himself raw on you. I’m not concerned with him. But you need to sort yourself out. There is something so false about saying you feel bad about sleeping with another woman’s man, but, uh, you did it, didn’t you? He didn’t even have to try very hard.You say you’ve been through an abusive relationship. Fine, now would be a great time to get some help, grow some self respect, and stop sleeping with people out of insecurity. Hold yourself to a higher standard.

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson May 21, 2014, 11:26 am

    I can’t imagine saying anything to someone that just lied about remembering us sleep together other than fuck you. LW why aren’t you more pissed off? I mean I get that you’re probably pretty ashamed of your actions, and you should be, at least a little bit – but let me make this clear – he was in a relationship – you are not. So besides owing his girlfriend (that it appears you are at least friendly with) the common courtesy of not fucking her boyfriend, you have no obligation to her. Yes, what you did was wrong – but lets be real here – the blame of breaking promises lies solely on his shoulders.

    Honestly the fact that you allowed yourself to be disrespected after the fact and your first instinct wasn’t to protect yourself and your dignity shows how badly you need therapy. I’m sure the abusive relationship did damage to you – but at some point you need to stop allowing yourself to be victimized.

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  • avatar

    MissyC May 21, 2014, 11:52 am

    Wait. Dudes get “sore down there”?

    Reply Link
    • Diablo

      Diablo May 21, 2014, 12:16 pm

      What do you think, we’re actually made of wood? Of course we can get sore from too much friction! That’s why that area of the body is known as the “gentles.”

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 21, 2014, 12:28 pm

        Its not real wood?!?!

        Link
      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki May 21, 2014, 12:38 pm

        I don’t know why they didn’t cover this in sex ed. Why am I just learning it now?!

        Link
      • Cassie

        Cassie May 21, 2014, 6:26 pm

        Gentles? Genit- oh, got it.

        Link
    • Bucky

      waterbug May 21, 2014, 4:15 pm

      I’ve been turned down because he was too sore down there from previous fun. I may have laughed a little before I realized he was serious…

      Reply Link
  • kare

    kare May 21, 2014, 12:03 pm

    I was in a somewhat similar situation, except it was an on again/off again thing. I called the guy out on his bullshit “I was so blacked out” excuse, pushed him, and left his restaurant without paying for anything. This is obviously not the way to handle the situation, but I’m usually the mild mannered person that tries to please everyone else so he was speechless.

    I saw the guy months later when I was out with someone else and he brought up that night he supposedly didn’t remember and some very specific details. So yeah…don’t buy that excuse. Just don’t react in the drunken, immature way I did.

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. May 21, 2014, 12:37 pm

      I don’t know, rendering somebody speechless because they expected you to suck up their bad treatment of you doesn’t sound bad to me. It’s a wake up call for sure. Drunk and immature or not, I probably would’ve done the same thing. It beats sitting in the restaurant listening to a guy basically tell you he has more fun with somebody else, like I did. (I stayed because I was in a strange city, was staying with him and didn’t know the way home. I will never let that happen again. Lesson learned.)

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  • avatar

    AKchic May 21, 2014, 12:12 pm

    Dude remembers. Trust me on that one.

    If the sex meant nothing, it’s time to prove it. Don’t think about it anymore. If he wants to claim it never happened, fine, as long as you aren’t pregnant – it never fucking happened, nor will it EVER happen.
    Then, never drink with this guy again. He’s a douche for cheating, a douche for claiming that he didn’t remember, and a douche in general since he won’t admit anything to his girlfriend.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark May 21, 2014, 1:20 pm

    Laura Hope stole my thunder and nailed it. The LW talks a good game about wanting to tell him as its some exercise in promoting honestly and nobility.., but really? Its just one last stab at a fantasy in which he will blow up his relationship and then while standing in the ashes of that, suddenly see her, the LW, as if for the first time and will thus chose her…

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  • avatar

    Lucy May 21, 2014, 2:21 pm

    So, I read this entire letter thinking the LW was a guy. I have to tell you, it was a much more interesting letter that way. Now that I see where I went wrong, I’ll just say, WEES.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 May 21, 2014, 3:26 pm

    Nice, so his reasoning for cheating on his girlfriend is that he wont remember, because he is going to get too drunk, sounds like a stand up guy you have a crush on. FYI when a guy tells you he won’t remember, he’s just saying that, because he thinks you aren’t smart enough to realize that he really will remember. Also he is a light weight if he can’t remember anything after two shots. He’s good a covering all corners in case you decided to tell his girlfriend though, with that text afterwards.
    .
    Really just think about it. Has he ever texted you before to tell you that he doesn’t remember the night after two shots? No you say, well that’s because he does remember, but doesn’t want to think he does.

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    • avatar

      rachel May 21, 2014, 3:40 pm

      Ha! Good point. Interesting that he chose THIS particular instance to text HER that he had forgotten the night.

      Reply Link
    • Cassie

      Cassie May 21, 2014, 6:23 pm

      Haha no kidding. He basically said, “By the way, I’m not going to remember this tomorrow. I mean, I will, but I won’t, you know? Wink wink.”

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  • avatar

    muffy May 21, 2014, 5:21 pm

    A. He remembers and B. You’re still harboring feelings for him and hoping he will tell his girlfriend and come choose you. Ask yourself why exactly you are interested in a guy who “forgets” about you.

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  • Cassie

    Cassie May 21, 2014, 6:20 pm

    LW, seriously, how many people randomly text all their friends, “Oh my gosh, I don’t remember what happened after the second shot!” He texted you specifically because he does indeed remember.

    I’d be tempted to say, “You don’t? Well good thing you texted me, ’cause I’ll fill you in! We had sex.”

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  • Miss MJ

    Miss MJ May 21, 2014, 6:35 pm

    So, I’ve read it all and my advice is that the LW should just respond to the “I don’t remember what happened last night” text as follows:
    .
    “Lucky you! I had the worst sex of my life with a cowardly, lying twat of a man last night, and oh, my god, he had THE weirdest dick. I *wish* I could forget.”
    .
    Then never talk to this jerk off again. Life is way too short to have people like this guy in your life, as a friend, as a lover, or as someone you are unfortunate enough to know, LW. Go talk to a therapist and get yourself to a place where when the immediate response to anyone saying “I’d like to kiss you because I’m drunk enough to forget it” to you is to tell them to immediately fuck off. You deserve better than that.

    Reply Link
    • Cassie

      Cassie May 21, 2014, 7:11 pm

      Your response deserves a gold star.

      Reply Link

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