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“Should I Tell My Boyfriend I Cheated on Him?”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss whether to confess to cheating, and having a baby with an ex.

My boyfriend and I have been together off and on (mostly on) for almost two years now. He is extremely good to me, but six months ago, I cheated on my boyfriend for almost an entire month. When I say “cheat,” I mean me and this one guy would have a bit too much to drink a couple times a week and always end up making out. The way I rationalized it is that I was so unsure and insecure in my relationship because I had only ever dated my boyfriend, while my boyfriend had dated many others before me. I felt jipped. This other dude and I never had sex, though — I never let it get that far. After it ended, I regretted it deeply, and I still regret it so much I feel sick sometimes. I thought about telling my boyfriend, but I know in my heart of hearts that if I do tell him, he would seriously consider leaving me. However, holding what I’ve done in for so long has taken a toll on me. Should I tell him everything and risk being left, should I wait, or should I never ever say a thing? — Feeling Guilty

 
Don’t tell him you cheated on him if your main reason to tell him would be to alleviate your guilt. You’d be confessing for YOU in that case, and not for him and that’s just a shitty thing to put him through. Instead, you need to have a frank conversation — probably with yourself first — about why you feel “jipped” and what healthy steps you can take to get past that feeling.

I recently broke up with a guy I have been seeing for about three months. I thought he was perfect at first, but then I started to notice the red flags. It turns out he has a son from a previous relationship who wants nothing to do with him because he never wanted anything to do with his son, doesn’t pay child support and won’t have anything to do with the mother. He also started to make plans to do things with me, but would then cancel or not call. Finally, I had enough and I broke it off with him. He then sent me an email saying that he was emotionally unavailable and wanted to be by himself. The weird thing is, even though I know I’m better off without him I am totally crushed. I feel so depressed right now and my self-esteem is non-existent. I know I am better off without this guy in my life, but I was wondering if there’s any way of making myself feel better faster? — Debbie Dumper

 
Well, for starters you can congratulate yourself and acknowledge the personal strength it took to recognize that this guy wasn’t right for you and end things before you got further invested. As for him sending you that email after you broke up with him? Sounds like the big loser was trying to make himself feel better about being dumped by you.

My ex-boyfriend who broke up with me and has a girlfriend has told me that he’s been fantasizing about me. When I asked him if he is a happy with his new girlfriend, he said,”Kind of.” His girlfriend has three kids and he has a son with his ex-wife. He told me that it’s kinda unfair that his girlfriend has got three kids and he only has one, we I agreed to have a baby with him without his girlfriend’s knowledge. But if I do get pregnant, he doesn’t want to take care of the baby. Like, we’ll have a baby together but it will essentially be mine. — Thinking About It

 
WTF? I hope this is a fake, but in the event in could be real, here’s my advice: Don’t have a baby with him. Bad, bad move.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

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{ 114 comments… add one }

Chaotonic Chaotonic July 15, 2011, 7:25 am

Holy crap. I don’t even know what to say about that last letter. I understand common sense is a rarity but…..daaaayum.

avatar EB July 15, 2011, 8:31 am

Number 3 is a Lifetime Movie just waiting to be made…

avatar spaceboy761 July 15, 2011, 9:49 am

I disagree. They would reject the script for being “too trainwrecky”.

avatar TheOtherMe July 15, 2011, 10:03 am

I don’t even fully understand letter 3.

avatar process Bananahammock July 15, 2011, 7:50 am

Wow on the last letter. Here’s a tip. When you’re wondering: “should I play games with an innocent baby’s life and use it as a pawn?”. The answer is – NO, LW. No.

avatar Lexie.b July 15, 2011, 8:01 am

To Feeling Guilty, you’re boyfriend deserves better. It’s not his fault that he’s your first and that’s a shitty thing to do to cheat on him, even if it wasn’t sex. What’s going to stop you down the road when you meet some cute guy and start rationalizing that you haven’t had enough sex experience so then you sleep with someone else?

*your.
You are =(shortened)= you’re.

Though I concur with your assessment.

avatar Amanda July 15, 2011, 8:11 am

The third letter has to be fake. No human being can be that dumb, unless they’re in high school.

avatar Desiree July 15, 2011, 8:46 am

As much as I would like to agree with you, I unfortunately have seen people do things about that dumb. My cousin became pregnant by a married man (in the middle of a divorce) who was also living with the woman who broke up his marriage. In fairness, I don’t think her pregnancy was *intentional*, but sleeping with that particular guy in the first place probably wasn’t the brightest idea.

avatar Kare July 15, 2011, 9:14 am

I know someone who left their wife but wasn’t divorced yet and got a 17 year old pregnant. Then got married to another girl (again not divorced) and had a baby with her. Then finally got a divorce from the first wife, had a baby with a different girl, and got a divorce from the second wife. Oh and all of these pregnancies are supposedly planned. So yeah…those people do exist.

avatar TheOtherMe July 15, 2011, 10:05 am

Wow, I’m exhausted just reading this comment, how do people actually live these lives ?

avatar oldie July 15, 2011, 12:36 pm

Unfortunately, usually on ou tax dollars. These are the folks who give welfare a bad name.

avatar robottapocalypse July 15, 2011, 6:57 pm

Too true, and proposing sterilization of males like that is a great way to be called a nazi.

avatar TrixyMinx July 15, 2011, 12:47 pm

I have a friend who has 5 kids. The 1st kid happened when she was young and didn’t think she could get pregant and the other 4 she didn’t think she could get pregant AGAIN. To be fair after the 4th kid she went into get her tubes tied and found out she was pregant.

avatar thyme August 26, 2011, 7:12 pm

WOW.

avatar Eljay July 15, 2011, 8:43 am

The girl in that last letter has to be like, 14 because NO grown ass woman could ever write/think/contemplate such nonsense. Either that or it’s a total fake.

So, in the event it’s real….DON’T DO IT!!!!!!!

avatar SpaceySteph July 15, 2011, 9:44 am

Well the ex boyfriend has a kid and an ex wife, and the new gf has 3 kids. So those two must be a bit older than 14! Maybe he’s a weird 20-something dude who wants to impregnate a 14 year old girl. In which case… run!

avatar spaceboy761 July 15, 2011, 9:50 am

Automatic green thumb for the adjective “grown ass”

avatar EB July 15, 2011, 8:49 am

Dear LW 3,
If you are going to base your reproductive choices around “fairness”, you might want to consider how “fair” it is to saddle an unborn child with a deadbeat philandering father and an immature pathetic excuse for a mother. I’m pretty sure there are packs of wolves that could give this baby a more stable home environment than the two of you.

avatar MasterKat July 25, 2011, 3:58 am

That kind of person believes the word “fair” means: is beneficial to me. They never consider how many things are unfair in their favor (good health, family, not being born in North Korea, etc). Similarly, they don’t really think the concept of fairness matters if it’s applied to other people.

avatar silver_dragon_girl July 15, 2011, 8:55 am

As someone who’s been cheated on, I have to say, if you’re 110% sure that you aren’t going to do it again, and 120% sure that you want to stay in this relationship, don’t tell him.

If there is even the slightest, quietest doubt in your mind, however, he deserves to know.

I’m sure you know by now that you have no right to resent your boyfriend simply because he’s your first. You should do as Wendy suggests and do some soul-searching to figure out if that is something you can live with or not.

avatar GatorGirl July 15, 2011, 9:17 am

I 110% disagree.

LW3 on multiple occasions put herself in the situation where she knew she would be drinking with the individual she had cheated on her BF with. If she was really truly remorseful, it would have stopped after the first time and she would fess up to the BF.

Make a mistake once can be forgiven, but repeatedly putting yourself in a situation where you will be tempted and ultimately did cheat is not. LW3 you need to be honest with yourself and your boyfriend.

avatar silver_dragon_girl July 15, 2011, 9:44 am

Heh, you won’t believe this, but what I wrote is actually the exact *opposite* of what I meant to say.

I meant to say that if she wants to stay she should tell him, but if she’s going to break up with him anyway she shouldn’t bother.

Ugh. I blame this on 2 hours of sleep and still being in the Harry Potter Zone…

avatar Yozi July 15, 2011, 10:54 am

I have the worst Harry potter hangover today…

avatar spaceboy761 July 15, 2011, 10:58 am

Spoiler alert: Harry wins

avatar SweetChild July 15, 2011, 11:44 am

OH!! WHAT THE!?! WHY WOULD YOU….?!?!

avatar spaceboy761 July 15, 2011, 1:22 pm

Everytime I see a Bible laying around, I stick a little Post-It note on the cover that says:

“Spoiler alert: Jesus dies”

avatar SpyGlassez July 15, 2011, 4:22 pm

I’ve done that with a friend’s copy of Titanic: “Spoiler alert: the boat sinks.”

avatar G July 15, 2011, 10:22 am

The boyfriend will probably find out one way or the other. That’s just how it always in in my experience. My ex never once admitted his wrong doing in playing behind my back… but I always stumbled upon the information. She really should tell him. Even if it ends the relationship, she will have done the right thing. At least he can make an INFORMED decision about who he is choosing to spend his time with.

avatar EB July 15, 2011, 8:55 am

Dear LW 2,
Please read the last letter and congratulate yourself on not being THAT GIRL.

Dear LW #3, please send updates… *smh*

avatar spaceboy761 July 15, 2011, 9:46 am

Fuck yeah. If a LW seems particularly hopeless, I tend towards egging them on instead of addressing their problems. Like my dad always says, “If you’re going to be a failure, be a spectacular failure”

avatar Eljay July 15, 2011, 10:11 am

LOVE this!!!!

EscapeHatches EscapeHatch July 15, 2011, 1:06 pm

Yep, my dad also said “If you can do only one thing well, and that’s being a failure, at least do it with style.”

avatar moonflowers July 15, 2011, 2:18 pm

It would be spectacular if it weren’t for the (admittedly small) chance that it’s a real letter and an innocent baby’s at stake. Then it’s just plain sad.

avatar mcminnem July 15, 2011, 3:06 pm

My first year roommate in university was a little clumsy and tended to trip on things/slip/etc. She once slipped on some ice (in a pretty minor fashion) while we were walking home together and proceeded to roll on her back, kick her feet in the air, and pretend to die. She then got up and said “If you’re going to fall down, you might as well make it spectacular.” I will never ever forget. She was awesome.

avatar McLovin July 15, 2011, 9:24 am

all 3 of these LW’s make my head hurt.

avatar kerrycontrary July 15, 2011, 9:39 am

I’ll probably get a lot of thumbs down for this….I’ve been cheated on and I wish I had never known. He made an immature one time mistake, and I found out about it (through the woman) 6 months later. The only reason she let me know is because she was hurting and wanted to hurt someone else. If I had never known my relationship wouldn’t have had any trust issues, and I would’ve been happy and blissfully unaware. I know that there are a million people out there who say “of course I would want to know”, but I wish I hadn’t. If it had been a routine affair, then yes I would want to know. But LW 1 if you aren’t going to do it again…then don’t tell. But maybe you should consider that your relationship isn’t perfect which is why you cheated. If you feel like you need to go out and date other people, then do it! I firmly believe that people should date around a LOT before they settle down. You need to know what you truely want in a partner, not just accept the first person who comes around. If you and your bf are right for each other you will end up together in the end.

avatar silver_dragon_girl July 15, 2011, 9:54 am

I know what you mean, and I think that’s why I got confused when I was writing my own response.

I think if she really wants to stay, she needs to tell him, just in the interest of honesty. But if she’s leaning towards ending things so she can date around (which it kind of sounds like she needs to do), then there’s no point. It’s just going to hurt the guy.

And since they never had sex and there’s no STD worries, I suppose if she was really committed to the relationship she could not tell him and stay, but I really think the guilt would eat her alive. She’d spill the beans some day, and the longer you wait the greater the sense of betrayal.

avatar Desiree July 15, 2011, 9:57 am

I think the problem is, you say *you* wouldn’t want to know. But we don’t know what her boyfriend desires (besides the obvious of a faithful SO). Maybe he thinks like you and prefer to be ignorant. Maybe he thinks like me (I would ABSOLUTELY want to know, regardless of circumstance). It’s hard for us to judge what would be best for him. I would add, though, that the LW’s cheating wasn’t “an immature one time mistake.” It was a purposely repeated behavior over a length of time.

avatar kerrycontrary July 15, 2011, 10:42 am

I agree that we don’t know what the LW’s bf would want. I was just adding my perspective to the subject.

avatar robottapocalypse July 17, 2011, 2:54 am

I think he’d want to know his girl’s been skanking around behind his back so that he can move on. She’s not telling him because she’s selfish and wants trust she doesn’t deserve.

He’s the one getting screwed over, not her.
I suppose some people on here would not want to know the car they had been sold has a faulty transmission, and would just say “lalalalalala” while the thing grinds around painfully doing its job until one day it breaks. Then they would like to pretend nobody could have seen it coming, nor addressed the issues at the heart of the problem before the problem became insurmountable.

avatar BoomChakaLaka July 15, 2011, 11:14 am

How does one KNOW they are never going to do it again? I’m really having a hard time believing that the LW, or any cheaters for that matter, plan to have a one month thing and then never EVER cheat again. As if it were some means of getting it out of their system. It’s always approached as a one time thing, that then becomes a five time thing, unless the person getting played nips that mess in the bud.

What’s to say that if you cheat once and get away with it, that it isn’t grounds for you to cheat again?

Also, um, did the cheating ever clear those insecurities about her relationship? Methinks no, AND, I believe she’s going to do it again, but maybe with a different person?

Just some pre-lunch thoughts floating around in my head…

avatar robottapocalypse July 17, 2011, 2:56 am

Exactly! Rewarding bad behavior is a great way to train somebody to do bad behavior. Hiding bad behavior from punishment and being rewarded is a great way to train somebody to hide bad behavior, not a method of teaching them how to behave.

theattack theattack July 20, 2011, 6:09 pm

I disagree with you. I used to cheat before ending relationships, overlapping them, and I’m completely reformed now.

Actually I was in almost the same situation as the LW. I started dating my first boyfriend, P, whom I loved a lot. We were really perfect for each other, but I was too young and didn’t have experience with other boys which I felt that I needed. I knew I wanted to eventually be with him, but as an inexperienced 16 year old, I didn’t know how to deal with it. I cheated on him in a more long-term way with another guy. P found out and wanted to forgive me, but regardless, I needed some freedom even though I knew I wanted to get back together with him. We had a few years away from each other, and now we’re back together in a wonderful relationship talking about marriage. I haven’t even so much as considered cheating on him this time, though I may be attracted to other men.

Cheaters can change, and I think especially so in this situation where she just needs some more experience.

avatar oldie July 15, 2011, 12:41 pm

That would be one mistake that you found out about after the fact. Likely isn’t wasn’t either a mistake or a one-off. Your last point is a good one. She should tell her bf that she isn’t ready to be exclusive. She’ll happily date him and others and see how things go. No need to say she cheated.

avatar SpaceySteph July 15, 2011, 9:40 am

Its interesting to me this concept of feeling “jipped” (I believe its gypped though, a reference to gypsies?) that your potential life partner had more prior experience than you.
When I met my ex, I had never even kissed another guy. But when we fell in love and started talking about staying together forever, I would teasingly call him “my only” and he would call me “my last.” I never for a second thought about having to sow my wild oats or have sex with 5 other guys just to be sure I wanted to be with him.

Of course, we broke up and I have a new boyfriend (who also has more experience/past partners than I do). The sex is better, I know now that the sex with the first guy was kinda terrible… but I still don’t really think I would have been deprived if the first guy I ever seriously dated and had a physical relationship with had turned out to be the only guy. I think if you feel that need to experiment before you can commit then you probably are either too young or too selfish to enter a “forever” kind of relationship. I know this doesn’t really answer the LW’s question… but I’m curious what the DW peanut gallery thinks.

avatar spaceboy761 July 15, 2011, 9:52 am

Nice call on ‘gypped’, sis! Proper etymology makes me smile.

avatar MissD July 15, 2011, 11:47 am

Yet another reason for my virtual crush on you, spaceboy. Gotta love a man who can properly use the word etymology…;)

avatar spaceboy761 July 15, 2011, 12:17 pm

Sweet. I can tell my parents that they didn’t drop $130K on my college degree for nothing.

avatar parrt July 15, 2011, 7:52 pm

130k on a college degree…

The United States of America sure is a great country.

avatar S.Anne July 15, 2011, 9:55 am

Jipped/Gypped is a reference to Gypsies, which makes it a racist term. A lot of people don’t think of it that way, especially if they don’t realize the etymology behind it.

avatar Quakergirl July 15, 2011, 10:03 am

Exactly. People ask me all the time if I feel like I missed out by staying with my first serious boyfriend (Quakerboy) for so long and not dating other people through college and my early 20s, but how could I possibly feel deprived when I’ve been lucky enough to find someone who loves me unconditionally, gets my quirks and appreciates my personality, and makes me unbelievably happy? How could I possibly ask for more than the opportunity to deeply connect with another person and understand what it means to be selfless and love someone more than yourself? Learning that kind of emotional vulnerability and trust is a different kind of experience, and I wouldn’t trade that for any number of dates or flings. I think if anything, I feel bad for the people who dismiss a great thing and hurt someone they care about just to have a bunch of relatively meaningless interactions with other people for the sake of testing the waters and seeing what’s out there only to find that the novelty of dating around wears off pretty quick and the relationship they left actually was pretty great.

avatar SweetChild July 15, 2011, 11:49 am

Peanut Gallery, that’s a brilliant term which I shall remember and use as frequently as possible in everyday conversation. Thank you for adding to my vocabulary. :D

avatar moonflowers July 15, 2011, 2:25 pm

I’m confused – what are the red thumbs for? SweetChild was talking about using the term “peanut gallery”, not the racist term “gypped”, if that’s the confusion.

avatar SpyGlassez July 15, 2011, 4:28 pm

I was gonna point that out, but wanted to read through the comments to be sure I didn’t repeat others. It is a reference to gypsies, and to being cheated or stolen from by them (reinforcing the notion that all gypsies were/are thieves). It’s offensive in the same way that the phrase “jewing someone down” is offensive.*

*I am NOT using that phrase to be offensive, I am using it as an example.

caitie_didnt caitie_didn't July 15, 2011, 9:41 am

Jesus Rollerblading Christ.

That’s about the only thing my brain is formulating in response to that last letter. In the event that it’s real, this only furthers my belief that IQ testing should be a prerequisite for parenting.

avatar beans629 July 15, 2011, 10:31 am

Lol. I totally agree but I always thought it should go one step farther.

I think there should be a test to be a parent and if you pass then you are given a plant. If you are responsible enough to take care of a plant then you can be moved up to a pet. If you pass all of those tests and still want to have kids then you get some kind of baby license.

I’m always surprised at the people who can’t even be trusted to take care of a plant who decide that having kids is a good idea.

avatar SpaceySteph July 15, 2011, 10:41 am

Well a plant doesn’t cry when you forget to water it. Its alot harder to ignore a baby on the kitchen counter for 6 weeks. ;-)

Isn’t this from that Sandra Bullock movie 28 Days? (about rehab, not zombies) They tell the guy (Alan Tudyk, and yes I am a browncoat) that when he leaves he can get a plant. When the plant survives, he can get a pet. And if the pet survives he can have a girlfriend. And then he keeps getting pissed when his plant dies because he really wants a girlfriend.

avatar beans629 July 15, 2011, 12:50 pm

Lol. I haven’t seen 28 days (yeah, go ahead and purple thumb me :-P ) but no it’s not. Actually, I thought of it a few years ago when a co-worker made a joke about ‘not being able to keep plants alive’ but she had 2 kids (BTW, that she wasn’t taking very good care of). I thought to myself…’If you can’t take care of a plant or a pet you probably shouldn’t be entrusted with human lives.’
But that’s just my opinion though. :-)

avatar silver_dragon_girl July 15, 2011, 10:43 am

Not fair. I kill plants but my cat is doing just fine. :P

avatar MissD July 15, 2011, 11:45 am

I have the same problem! I try my best to follow all directions for proper plant care, and I consistently kill plants anyway. My ex used to tease me about it all the time…and then take over the dying plants. (In case you missed previous posts, we broke up because he had a girlfriend I wasn’t aware of). I’m actually capable of having a healthy relationship, just not taking care of a plant. But I think the logic still applies.

avatar TheOtherMe July 15, 2011, 2:03 pm

I have close to 30 plants in my condo, when people have problems with their plants, they bring them to me to resuscitate. Also have 2 very healthy pets but no kids of my own :(

avatar Eljay July 15, 2011, 2:27 pm

Haaa! I couldn’t keep a plant alive if my life depended on it. But I am the proud mother of the most wonderful girl in the world. If you let her tell it, mommies don’t come any better than hers….and she’s a preteen! So, I guess I’m doing something right!

avatar Calliopedork July 15, 2011, 3:49 pm

Yes, yes I say procreation shoul require a license all the time. Everyone always looks at me like I am a monster

avatar LolaBeans July 15, 2011, 10:00 am

hahahaha.. last letter. funny. what the hell.

avatar darden July 15, 2011, 10:00 am

Honesty, trust, and communication are the cornerstones of a healthy relationship, unless its confessing to cheating! By all means if you cheat on your partner, keep it a secret! If you told the truth you’d just be doing it to alleviate your own guilt, and isn’t that selfish? You don’t want to be selfish do you? I sure will remember next time I’m in a coked out orgy with underage prostitutes in my girlfriend’s bed while she’s at work to keep it a secret, because telling telling her about it would hurt her feeings, and the last thing I want to do is hurt my girlfriend! I can say with 110% certainty that keeping secrets has never ruined a relationship, or a life for that matter!

Great advice, wendy!

avatar katiebird July 15, 2011, 11:26 am

“I can say with 110% certainty that keeping secrets has never ruined a relationship, or a life for that matter!”

Guess you haven’t met my parents, or half of the LWs that write in to DW….

avatar Neil G. July 15, 2011, 3:05 pm

I’m pretty sure that was meant to be sarcasm.

avatar TheOtherMe July 15, 2011, 3:12 pm

Me too.

avatar Natasia Rose July 15, 2011, 10:09 am

LW3 should totally have that guy’s baby. Are you reading this LW3? Everything you wrote makes perfect sense. So just do it, Nike Style.

Ahem. All the other commenters on this thread are sooo much nicer than I am.

avatar Calliopedork July 15, 2011, 3:56 pm

Agreed, she should also give it a name like Sasha Fox or Hank Rod so the kid can get an early jump on that porn career. Get it baby tattoos as well that would be awesome.

avatar spaceboy761 July 15, 2011, 10:13 am

I’ll make these quick:

@LW1 – Do yourself a favor and break up without bringing up the cheating aspect. This whole feeling of you ‘feeling gypped’ is only going to increase with time. Give your BF a shot at a healthy relationship and let him go.

@LW2 – Congrats on getting manipulated by a pathetic douchebag. Replay some of his old voicemails and remember why you ditched him. Alernatively, dress hot and go out with friends. It helps if your friends are also hot.

@LW3 – Totally awesome idea. Your best chances for conception are about two weeks after you start your period, so try to center your unprotected sex around that time. Good luck! We’re all rooting for you!

avatar callmehobo July 15, 2011, 10:34 am

Also, LW3, don’t forget to update us!

avatar EB July 15, 2011, 1:03 pm

I already have a strong suspicion how this one will turn out…

Fast forward 20 years and meet the ex-boyfriend/sperm donor of LW3:

http://video.aol.com/video/john-stamos-on-law-and-order-svu-050411-tv-replay/3606316567

avatar LTC039 July 15, 2011, 12:00 pm

I believe my IQ went down a couple digits after readnig letter #3. For the sake of human kind I hope it’s fake…

avatar LTC039 July 15, 2011, 12:00 pm

Ahh you see! I misspelled reading* There should be a disclaimer on that thing!

TaraMonster TaraMonster July 15, 2011, 12:15 pm

I’m a little scared that LW3 won’t know we’re all being sarcastic and think we actually believe she should have the baby; she’s already proven she ain’t the brightest bulb in the box, amiright? But the snark is just too entertaining to stop!

avatar spaceboy761 July 15, 2011, 12:18 pm

Sarcastic? I don’t follow.

avatar silver_dragon_girl July 15, 2011, 10:49 am

Ok, LW 2, I feel like you’re getting a little ignored, so this is for you:
First off, that guy sounds like a total tool, and you are better off without him. But you know that. So if you haven’t done it yet, cut him off- no Facebook, no Twitter, no nothing. Try not to think about him. Try to distract yourself. Pick up a new hobby or something. Or try to date (or at least flirt with!) a new guy. Personally, that works best for me (and yes, I know it’s immature and I should enjoy being single and revel in my independence and blah blah blah).
And any time you start to feel bad, just remember: YOU dumped HIM first. No matter WHAT he said in an email later on. It was just his desperate attempt to cling to some dignity.

avatar SpaceySteph July 15, 2011, 11:40 am

Well its understandable when LW1 is a whore and LW 3 is such a WTF moment, that LW 2 gets put in a corner.

It sucks when you think something is going well and then it falls apart. Like Wendy, I am proud of you for recognizing red flags and getting yourself out of a potentially toxic relationship. You’re obviously a smart lady, and you’re gonna be fine.
I agree with silver dragon girl… get out, get busy. Its probably only when you are idle that you think back to this jerk so, don’t be idle. Try yoga or painting or clubbing…whatever interests you. Before long you will forget all about this crappy excuse for a man.

avatar absurdfiction July 15, 2011, 12:34 pm

I’m glad you wanna show some love to LW2, and I *think* you were being flip in your comment describing LW1, but I really wish you wouldn’t call someone a whore just because she showed a lack of judgment. I’m not excusing her behavior, because it certainly lacked character, but she is still a human being, and it sounds like she has been agonizing about the situation she got herself in (otherwise, why would she be writing an advice columnist?). Regardless, calling other women “whores” (or “bitches” or whatever) isn’t very sisterly, and I love that the DW community usually gets that. Just food for thought, SpaceySteph!

avatar spaceboy761 July 15, 2011, 1:25 pm

I agree that ‘whore’ was a bit harsh. I would have gone with ‘tongue slut’.

avatar spaceboy761 July 15, 2011, 1:38 pm

Here’s the rubric for those who are curious:

1st base: Tongue Slut
2nd base: Boob Slut
3rd base: Diddle Slut
Banging: Slut

avatar SpaceySteph July 15, 2011, 1:59 pm

Ah of course Spaceboy. I hereby amend my comment to “tongue slut” with possible boob sluttery implied.

Really though, I don’t feel the need to mince words or protect LW 1 from internet harshness for cheating on her boyfriend (a couple times a week is more than just a mistake, its a full fledged affair) and then having the audacity to tell us that its eating her up inside so she wants to confess. Nowhere in her letter did she give an reason, in my opinion, to deserve sympathy.

avatar spaceboy761 July 15, 2011, 3:01 pm

I totally missed the ‘a couple times a week’ bit. In that case, ‘raging tongue slut’ is acceptable.

avatar LTC039 July 15, 2011, 11:09 am

LW#1: I disagree with Wendy. You cheated on your boyfriend. Cheating is wrong. Get some balls & be honest with him. Take your consequences like a man, if you had enough *cojones* to cheat on him for a month, well, you should have enough to tell him.

LW#2: You dated this guy for three months, he was a blatant loser. You’ll get over it. Ride it out.

LW#3: I say, have the baby & then audition for the upcoming season of 16 & pregnant.

avatar Desiree July 15, 2011, 11:40 am

Yeah. I’m generally not a fan of the “stay with the person without telling him/her about the cheating.” To me, that’s living dishonestly. I’ve heard people who support the opposite side say, “But it destroys the relationship’s trust.” To me, the relationship’s trust was destroyed when the infidelity happened. Hiding it doesn’t magically maintain the integrity of the trust; it only supports an illusion. When my ex cheated on me, I was almost more upset about the lies than the cheating.

avatar MissD July 15, 2011, 11:55 am

I agree-I was definitely more upset about being lied to long term. I think, though, that if it had been a one-night stand that was truly a mistake and a regret, I probably wouldn’t have wanted to know. To me, there is a difference between a one-time mistake and a long-term affair. The first is something that could easily happen; I know a couple people who have been there, done that and then never have done it again. The second requires purposeful and continued deceit, which is worse, in my book.

avatar LTC039 July 15, 2011, 11:59 am

True, but in the LW’s case, she was doing it for a month-completely intentional.

avatar LTC039 July 15, 2011, 11:57 am

Yes, totally agree & also, I feel like that mentality condones the cheating. If her boyfriend found out from someone else (which is very likely), I’m sure he’d be more upset with that. I think it’s a very selfish thing to keep that to yourself.

avatar Blitzen July 15, 2011, 12:59 pm

100% agree.

avatar Marie July 15, 2011, 5:55 pm

I think a lot of people only consider it cheating if its sex.And if they do consider making out cheating,its just a lesser form of cheating.But its still a form of cheating and any kind of cheating is wrong.And I don’t buy “unintentional cheating”.Of course it was intentional.You don’t just HAPPEN to find yourself cheating on your bf/gf,you make the cheating happen.It says a lot about your character so I agree with all of you saying she should tell her boyfriend she made out with a guy behind his back for a month.

landygirl Landygirl July 15, 2011, 11:19 am

LW #3 should probably never have a baby…ever.

avatar SpaceySteph July 15, 2011, 11:46 am

But its not faiiirrrr. The new gf has 3 kids, and she can’t have any?! *stomp* *pout*

avatar silver_dragon_girl July 15, 2011, 12:17 pm

Comment of the day!

avatar TheOtherMe July 15, 2011, 1:59 pm

“But its not faiiirrrr. The new gf has 3 kids, and she can’t have any?! *stomp* *pout*”

HAHAH now there is lemonade on my keyboard !

TaraMonster TaraMonster July 15, 2011, 12:03 pm

LW1, I’m going to give you the advice I wish I would have followed when I was 18 and in your shoes: Don’t tell him and MOA. I dated my ex through the end of my senior year of high school to the beginning of my sophomore year in college, on and off, mostly on. I cheated on him for several reasons- I was emotionally self-destructive, insecure, selfish, and he and I were spectacularly wrong for each other. But I thought he was such a good guy and treated me so well that there had to be something wrong with me for not wanting to be with him. So I confessed I had cheated, he stayed with me, and I was miserable, wondering why I felt like I was suffocating. We were not right for each other AT ALL, and I was trying to force myself to fit into his life, because I felt my needs were not worth honoring. Now, I wouldn’t change the past, because all that craziness led me to figure my shit out (thank you, therapy!), accomplish some long-sought life goals, and I met my wonderful boyfriend along that journey, but I know, without a doubt that I should have broken up with him when I got my first itch to cheat. I should have saved him the heartache, and spared myself years of self-doubt. I just wasn’t strong enough to see it at the time. Get out of this relationship. Go be single. And try not to trample on anyone’s heart along the way- it will happen sometimes, but just try not to be unnecessarily cruel. Trust me, the guilt you feel now is nothing to the regret you will feel later.

avatar Rachelgrace53 July 15, 2011, 12:13 pm

If LW3 isn’t a fake, I have lost all faith in humanity…

avatar Lexington July 15, 2011, 2:09 pm

I lost all faith in humanity when I started reading the comments section at CNN.com

avatar moonflowers July 15, 2011, 2:32 pm

Actually, nearly all online comments sections that aren’t moderated. Or aren’t here. :)

avatar Eljay July 15, 2011, 2:35 pm

CNN’s comments section is the absolute worst EVER! It’s a complete train wreck I can’t NOT look at, but somewhere between comment #1 and comment #5, I’m completely disgusted & have to move on. Ugh.

avatar Blitzen July 15, 2011, 12:54 pm

LW1: Depends. Do you think he would want to know? Personally, I would want to know ASAP, so that I can make a decision to give it another shot or let it go. As far as I’m concerned, he has a right to know what happens in his supposedly monogamous relationship. It’s a bit too late not to be “selfish” I think.

LW2: You did the right thing. Give it some time, there’s no way to accelerate the healing process. Hang in there. :)

LW3: *blows brains out*

avatar AKchic July 15, 2011, 1:38 pm

If #3 is real, she is a fucking idiot. Plain and simple. She needs to cut all contact from the ex-boyfriend and get a damned kitten if she wants a little creature to cuddle.

#1 shouldn’t tell her boyfriend but needs to be faithful or let the guy find someone who will be. Assuaging HER guilt will make the guy feel terrible and if he has an ounce of self-respect, he’ll dump her and move on. She knows why she did what she did and now she’s over it (hopefully).

#2 – Get over it. You broke it off with him. He emailed you later saying HE was emotionally unvavailable. Why? Because he wanted to try to make it seem like he was dumping YOU, and to make you feel the way you do. He’s a manipulator. You’re better off without him and you need to move on. You were with him for 3 little inconsequential months. It’s time to put your big girl panties on and realize that he wasn’t around long enough to feel bad about him.

Caris Caris July 16, 2011, 11:18 pm

i already feel bad for her future kitten :S

avatar Caroline July 15, 2011, 3:18 pm

Delurking – I feel like no one’s even talking about the fact that LW’s ex is being so manipulative. I mean, seriously, to tell her that he’s “fantasizing” about her while with his current girlfriend? Clearly LW #3 was/is really hung up on him, or she wouldn’t be thinking about having his baby THAT HE DOESN’T EVEN WANT TO TAKE CARE OF. Seriously? He’s whining about only having one kid but doesn’t want to take care of the second one?

Run, LW #3, RUN AS FAR AS YOU CAN. Please. Do not make the biggest mistake of your life. And I promise it will be if you have his baby – you’ll have a baby and no man. We don’t even know what your life is like – do you have money to take care of a baby (kids are expensive) and can you really be a single mother? Can you work a full-time job and raise a kid?

Don’t attach yourself to this deadbeat motherfucker. He’s CLEARLY not worth it. He has no respect for you whatsoever. You don’t want someone like that.

avatar Caroline July 15, 2011, 4:37 pm

By the way, I don’t mean that having kids is a mistake for everyone, I just mean in this situation it is, if that’s what the purple thumbs are for. You should have kids because you really, truly want them and you’ll love them and care for them, not because your ex wants another kid. No where in the letter does it say that she actually wants to have the kid, and that’s a red flag for me.

avatar AKchic July 15, 2011, 5:22 pm

I agree with you. To me, you have to wonder if the only reason he wants HER to have his kid (which he will not be taking care of financially, physically, emotionally, etc) is to use to manipulate her with later.

You know, come around once in a while and say “I need a place to stay for a few weeks, can I hang out here?” and she will feel obligated because that’s her kid’s father. Or, “hey, I’m horny, wanna have sex”, and she will feel less guilty about having sex with him than some random dude (who she has been scrupulously avoiding to not seem like a tramp because of the single mom thing) because that’s her kid’s father.
Having a kid with her makes the random booty call or unreturned favor easier for him to get. He can get her to put up with his shit for 18 years, just like the mother of his FIRST CHILD is probably doing. Yes, there are guys out there that act like this. Whether they mean to or not, they end up acting this way, and they are douche bags for doing so.
The women who allow themselves to be treated this way are the douche bag hoses/tips.

I have a feeling this girl is very young. 17-25, maybe a heavier girl with low self-esteem. Maybe doesn’t feel all that pretty. She may feel that this might be her only shot at ever having a kid.
Honey – you’d be better off at a sperm bank.

avatar Marie July 15, 2011, 5:39 pm

Oh for god sakes.What’s with this competitive mentality LW #1 has?And competing over something so stupid too.The LW’s boyfriend is not any better or worse than she is because he has dated more people.However,if she doesn’t feel like her boyfriend is good enough for her,she should break up with him(she doesn’t need to explain she made out with another guy behind his back in this case) and date around before deciding to settle down(if that’s what she wants in the end).But cheating is never right.If she was insecure in her relationship,she should have worked things out with her boyfriend or broken up with him and then figured out what she wanted.

LW#2: You should definitely congratulate yourself that you got out of a mere 3 month relationship with someone who is clearly an immature loser.Many people spend years with immature losers.Regarding feeling better,remind yourself that you want to be with someone who also wants you.This guy clearly didn’t.

LW #3: I’d like to assume this is a joke letter.However,in case it’s not….LW,you don’t seem to be too clear about this,so I’ll try to explain: A baby is a real live human being,not the latest gadget everyone is competing for.You should have a baby because you want one,not because your ex is whining about his gf having them while he doesn’t.And why the hell would you consider having a baby with a man who says he won’t want to take care of it?

avatar Marie July 15, 2011, 5:43 pm

Also,I realize that I don’t know much about relationships,seeing as my current relationship is my first one…but if you’re truly happy with your significant other,why should it matter how many people you have or haven’t dated in the past?I don’t feel deprived in my relationship because,well,I don’t want anyone else.That’s why I’m with my boyfriend.

avatar Foots July 17, 2011, 9:44 pm

I am offended by the Bible and rollerblading jokes and would prefer not to see those again. Thank you.

avatar Kate July 17, 2011, 11:08 pm

Good luck on not seeing those again.

avatar Alice July 10, 2012, 12:03 pm

Hey, I need some advice..
I met my boyfriend on an online dating site last year and we chatted for months getting to know eachother while i was away and when i came home on the first day meeting up he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes but felt a bit rushed and when i was at his house the 2nd day of meeting up he wanted to sleep with me but we had no condoms so i didnt.
I went to a festival for 3 days with a friend and lost her while i was there.. I bumped into an ex and we kissed.. but because i couldnt find my friend I ended up hanging out with some other guys i knew from school.. and ended up sleeping with one of their friends.. its all a bit of a blur and i dont remember much of it as i was drunk. I had been single for 2 years previous to meeting my boyfriend online and bein messed around by guys not taking me seriously during that time. so it all felt so surreal that i had met a guy who wanted me as his girlfriend.
At the time ididn’t feel I was cheating because I had only met up with him twice in person as we got to know eachother over facebook for 2 months. But for some reason 10 months on I am starting to feel so horrible and guilty about it but i know if i told him , he wouldnt benefit from knowing because he would just be hurt and he has had a rough time with an illness so i dont want to hurt him at all. I never thought i would be lucky enough to have a guy like him love me as much as he does and i feel the same way but i dont know why i slept with someone in the first few days of us being an official couple.

Should i tell him or should i just take my punishment as feeling awful about it from time to time, it really eats me up because im so in love with him .

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