I told my boyfriend and he was super upset that she put me in such a tough position. I only agreed to continue to stand in her wedding because the dress was paid for. After that, I found out that she had a shower I wasn’t invited to. When I asked my friend about it, she said, “It was more for older people from my dad’s prayer group.” I then found out that another bridesmaid and her parents threw the party for her. OK, that’s weird I’ve been friends with both of them for years and I’m IN the bridal party, so why wasn’t I invited? I soon found out that it was a “couples shower,” and I figured out she just didn’t want my boyfriend there. To make matters worse, she not only didn’t want him there, she lied to me and had the other bridesmaids lie to my face as well. I wanted to decline standing in the wedding at that point, but it was so close that it would look bad on me and cause drama.
Now, I have barely spoken to her since her wedding. I’m engaged and have been gathering my own wedding party and I don’t see how she could think she would be in my wedding at this point. Should I say something to her or leave it alone? — Burned Bridesmaid
The time to “say something” would have been when you friend/ex-friend was being a royal cunt during her wedding. That would have been the right time for you to stand up for yourself — and your boyfriend — and be like, “You know, I don’t care that we’ve been friends for 20 years, I won’t tolerate being treated this way or having someone I love be treated this way. If you have such a problem with my boyfriend that you won’t allow him to attend your wedding, and you’ve actively excluded me from wedding party events, then I’m sorry, but I can’t stand up and support you during your nuptials. I’ll always care for you as a friend, but my loyalty is first and foremost to my boyfriend – and to myself.”
If you’re still hurt and upset with how things were handled, it’s not too late to get things off your chest, but I certainly wouldn’t use your own wedding planning as the impetus or the excuse to contact your old friend. It’s one thing to tell her you’ve been hurt all this time and really need to let her know why in order to heal and move on; it’s quite another to call her up and be all, “I’m getting married! And I don’t want you in my wedding party! And here’s why!” The former is a relatively healthy way to MOA. The latter is just childish and tacky. Don’t stoop to her level. And as you plan your wedding and gather your wedding party, remember the golden rule: “Treat your bridesmaids as you would like them to treat you (i.e. don’t be a royal cunt).”
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org and be sure to follow me on Twitter.