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“Should I Tell My Friend Why I Don’t Want Her in My Wedding?”

My oldest friend (of 20 years) got engaged and asked me to be in her wedding, which was last June. I, of course, said yes and talked for months about how my boyfriend had to work and couldn’t be at the ceremony but would make it to the reception and she said “that was fine.” She always said how happy she was for me that my relationship with my boyfriend worked out (we were high school sweethearts and broke up for a bit in college but got back together). Well, a few months before the wedding, she told me that she’d thought a lot about it and she decided that she didn’t want my boyfriend to come to the wedding. Her reasoning was because “he didn’t agree with their marriage” (due to having a child out-of-wedlock). This was ridiculous and I told her he never said such a thing, so she made up another excuse, which was that he was “mean to her brother in high school.” Really, high school?! That was 4-6 years ago! Needless to say I was polite and told her it was her wedding so she could do what she wanted, but I thought it was wrong. She promised that no one else would know why he suddenly wasn’t coming.

I told my boyfriend and he was super upset that she put me in such a tough position. I only agreed to continue to stand in her wedding because the dress was paid for. After that, I found out that she had a shower I wasn’t invited to. When I asked my friend about it, she said, “It was more for older people from my dad’s prayer group.” I then found out that another bridesmaid and her parents threw the party for her. OK, that’s weird I’ve been friends with both of them for years and I’m IN the bridal party, so why wasn’t I invited? I soon found out that it was a “couples shower,” and I figured out she just didn’t want my boyfriend there. To make matters worse, she not only didn’t want him there, she lied to me and had the other bridesmaids lie to my face as well. I wanted to decline standing in the wedding at that point, but it was so close that it would look bad on me and cause drama.

Now, I have barely spoken to her since her wedding. I’m engaged and have been gathering my own wedding party and I don’t see how she could think she would be in my wedding at this point. Should I say something to her or leave it alone? — Burned Bridesmaid

The time to “say something” would have been when you friend/ex-friend was being a royal cunt during her wedding. That would have been the right time for you to stand up for yourself — and your boyfriend — and be like, “You know, I don’t care that we’ve been friends for 20 years, I won’t tolerate being treated this way or having someone I love be treated this way. If you have such a problem with my boyfriend that you won’t allow him to attend your wedding, and you’ve actively excluded me from wedding party events, then I’m sorry, but I can’t stand up and support you during your nuptials. I’ll always care for you as a friend, but my loyalty is first and foremost to my boyfriend – and to myself.”

If you’re still hurt and upset with how things were handled, it’s not too late to get things off your chest, but I certainly wouldn’t use your own wedding planning as the impetus or the excuse to contact your old friend. It’s one thing to tell her you’ve been hurt all this time and really need to let her know why in order to heal and move on; it’s quite another to call her up and be all, “I’m getting married! And I don’t want you in my wedding party! And here’s why!” The former is a relatively healthy way to MOA. The latter is just childish and tacky. Don’t stoop to her level. And as you plan your wedding and gather your wedding party, remember the golden rule: “Treat your bridesmaids as you would like them to treat you (i.e. don’t be a royal cunt).”

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.


Comments on this entry are closed.

avatar The_Yellow_Dart August 15, 2011, 7:57 am

Wendy’s on the money as usual (but why use the c-word?). As for me, I wouldn’t actively contact this woman to give her an explanation for her exclusion from the bridal party. I’d wait for her to contact you – and she might not! I wouldn’t be surprised if she already knows that her behavior towards your bf was unacceptable/offensive…

avatar NOLAGirl August 15, 2011, 8:02 am

Sometimes the C-word is the only word that describes what a total PITA (aka pain in the ass) someone is being. Actually, there was an article in the nytimes not long ago about reclaiming the c-word. I digress! Maybe I’m desensitized because I have a tiny crush on Al Swearengen?

avatar The_Yellow_Dart August 15, 2011, 8:38 am

Thanks for this – I guess I’m still a little prudish when it comes to the c-word. For some reason, I thought it was as taboo as many racial slurs – though I do have some friends in the UK who use the word in a positive sense, so reclamation efforts are indeed underway…

avatar NOLAGirl August 15, 2011, 9:19 am

I’m not saying it’s a word I use all the time, but there is an effort. I wish I could find the article but I can’t remember what it was called. It was in the Sunday edition maybe 2 or 3 months ago. Anyway, it’s not like I use the word – but if we can call men pricks, douchebags (which might i add is really freakin’ nasty), or call women sluts (Which is disparaging their sexuality), what’s the difference? Personally I don’t use the S-word, I find it a LOT more offensive than the c-word, since it’s basically reducing a woman’s worth because of her perceived sexuality. At least the c-word is a part of our anatomy, it’s not some word intended to make sexuality a negative. It’s just a part of our body. Regardless, it’s a descriptor, and it refers to a part of my anatomy – why should I somehow find it vulgar or offensive? It’s a part of me, I should own it! It’s the same as calling someone an asshole, dick, prick, etc. It’s just been coopted in a way that other words haven’t been. Anyway, I digress. I sense this is an unpopular stance so thumbs down away.

avatar Sara August 15, 2011, 8:30 pm

Here’s a link to the article I think you’re referring to: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/22/magazine/an-unspeakable-word-is-the-word-that-has-to-be-spoken.html?_r=2&ref=languageandlanguages

I collect language and society articles in the news for a class I teach.
INHO, it takes a lot of work to “reclaim” a word and, usually, a reclaimed word can only be used by the in-group. See the N-word for an example. I think the C-word is not successfully used just by the in-group, but also by out-group people as a put-down. Until out-group use declines reclamation efforts probably won’t get too far. Only if we’re looking at the N-word as an example of how a word is reclaimed by a group.

avatar Callifax August 15, 2011, 5:34 pm

I don’t like it either – it makes me cringe for some reason.

Caris Caris August 16, 2011, 12:31 pm

Just wondering here (not trying to be a troll or anything) are you ok with ppl calling other ppl “dicks”?

avatar kerrycontrary August 15, 2011, 9:01 am

yeh I don’t appreciate the use of the c-word. Lets all call each other sluts and hos right?

avatar Mainer August 15, 2011, 9:37 am

We’re not in high school here, you won’t get sent to detention for using a word so you don’t need to abbreviate them. If you’re willing to reference them, you should be willing to use them. C-word, S-word, etc seem kind of silly. Just say “cunt” or “slut” (or whatever S-word is). Also, when you have to explain what each letter in an acronym means, it’s pointless to use the acronym.

It’s just an internet pet-peeve. Sorry. It’s Monday and raining.

avatar NOLAGirl August 15, 2011, 9:41 am

its early for me to type cunt or slut. i’m not on EST. LOL.

avatar SGMcG August 15, 2011, 10:16 am

I thought the s-word was “shit”? Some people have more objections to “shits” than “sluts”. I personally don’t mind calling myself a “reformed slut”. Sluts are coming into vogue and some women feel that by using the term on themselves, it’s more empowering – shits are just messy.

Personally, I am surprised that Wendy did call her a “cunt”. I thought “twat” was a more appropriate description of what this bride was acting like, some people feel it’s definitely more vulgar and appropriate for this bride. At least we all seem to agree that what the bride did to her bridesmaid was just totally bad form.

avatar NOLAGirl August 15, 2011, 10:27 am

oh gosh, I use that word a lot. But it just sounds so dirty. Almost like a sound effect. Dirty as in..gross, not “bad word” dirty.

avatar kerrycontrary August 15, 2011, 10:29 am

Yeh I’m far away from high school but I still say “c-word” because I do NOT use that word. Do you say “n-word” or do you just call out the real thing? Because I’m not comfortable with that word either.

avatar Mainer August 15, 2011, 10:42 am

But you’re still *thinking* it, and regardless of what you use you’re still forcing the reader to *say* it in his or her mind. Your internal monologue could be “man, this girl was acting like a cunt…oh, I better use c-word so people don’t get upset.” Then the reader is reading your comment along in their head, “yeah, I agree she was acting like a c-word…oh, she means cunt.”

Using the abbreviation does not stop anyone from saying the word in their head, so what’s the difference? This is especially true on the Internet because people *only* read things in their mind, so you are not preventing anything nor sparing anyone from feeling insulted by the word because it’s still there. It’s like bleeping words on tv. Just dub it with a different word if you don’t want people thinking it.

And I don’t use “n-word” because of that very reason. I would never be in a position where I would *need* to use the abbreviation because I would never use that word. But, if for whatever reason, there was a topic involving that word (say, a discussion on it’s use or a summary of a book or something) I would never use the abbreviation because it is not fooling anyone. I would use the word because it would be being used in an acceptable context (intellectual debate).

theattack theattack August 15, 2011, 3:23 pm

I completely agree with you. I don’t use “the n-word” myself, but when I talk about other people saying it or if I’m reading outloud, I say it. It’s not like I’m the one perpetuating it’s use in that context.

avatar haggith August 15, 2011, 4:01 pm

that so reminds me of louie ck and how he’s offended by the “n-word” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dF1NUposXVQ

avatar Jena August 15, 2011, 10:51 am

N-word is a racial slur, Cunt is not.

avatar LTC039 August 15, 2011, 10:44 am

A little cunt here & there won’t hurt anyone…

Budj Budjer August 15, 2011, 10:49 am

Ah yes, but a c*$@ a day ensures the VD’s will stay!

avatar Britannia August 15, 2011, 11:25 am

I don’t think it was appropriate of Wendy to use “cunt” in this letter. The LW alludes to being in a religious community (though whether or nit she’s religious herself, she doesn’t say, but since she condones her boyfriend being judgmental about children out of wedlock, I’m going to assume she’s somewhat religious), a community who is usually more sensitive to rude words. I think that it’s counterproductive to deliberately use language that will make your audience not want to listen to you.

avatar Kate August 15, 2011, 11:28 am

I thought she said in the letter that he didn’t say anything about the child out of wedlock?

avatar Britannia August 15, 2011, 11:33 am

LW said that he didn’t say it, but it makes more sense that he did and just didn’t tell LW about it… Perhaps the bride heard it through the grapevine or the conversation only came up recently, but considering the fact that the bride basically did an abrupt 180* with her opinion of the boyfriend, i think it’s alogical scenario that she was prompted to cut him out rather than just did so on a whim.

Budj Budjer August 15, 2011, 11:36 am

I could also speculate the other side that that is an opinion a boy friend would probably readily share with his girl friend of 6 or 7 years because that is a pretty bold opinion on marriage to have and keep to yourself for that long so she would know if that is how he felt.

avatar Britannia August 15, 2011, 11:41 am

It’s logical that he kept that opinion to himself since she has been friends with the bride for 20 years, and it’s a big dating no-no to diss on your SO’s friend’s life decisions.

avatar Kate August 15, 2011, 11:45 am

I don’t know…I think the LW would know if her boyfriend felt that way. And I personally wouldn’t worry terribly if my boyfriend didn’t approve of a friend’s decision. He is dating me, not them.

Budj Budjer August 15, 2011, 12:05 pm

logically sound speculative arguments are still speculative…I’m not saying you are wrong…we don’t have enough detail about the situation in this regard to know absolutely if this is the case.

avatar GatorGirl August 15, 2011, 12:26 pm

I don’t think Wendy was using “language that will make your audiance not want to listen to you”. When warrented, Wendy uses “bad” words to accentuate her point. One could assume that any LW has read at least a handful of Wendy’s responses and know the tone/syle of her writing…the use of one “bad” word should not be a surprise to anyone.

And just because the LW’s BF does not support a child out of wedlock by no means hints to any religious affiliation. Maybe he was concerned they would be unfit parents, or he was concerned about the psycological reprocussions this could have on the child. You don’t have to be religous to be concerned about the welfare of a child.

avatar LimonNana August 15, 2011, 1:29 pm

Oops, sorry for the thumbs down. Especially since you seem to be a Gator fan!

avatar MissDre August 15, 2011, 12:15 pm

I think we’re all forgetting something. This is WENDY’S site. People write in to hear WENDY’S advice. And the reason that Wendy is so successful, respected, and well-known is because she tells it like it is, in her own style. Features on a site? Topics? Guest writers? That sort of thing, I’m sure she wants our opinion on. But her writing style? That’s hers alone, and I say good for Wendy for not compromising it. You go girl!

avatar EB August 15, 2011, 12:58 pm

I have a major double standard when it comes to cunt usage (no pun intended).

I have no problem with Wendy using the word and to anyone who’s seen Bridesmaids I found the cashier scene with Kristen Wiig telling some tween she’s a cunt rather hilarious.

However, if I heard my boyfriend direct it at a girl, I would not be a fan.

Feel free to attack me with purple thumbs for my hypocrisy!

avatar eelizg23 August 15, 2011, 1:41 pm

Reclamation! I’m probably what most would consider a raging feminist, and after reading “Cunt: A Declaration of Indepence,” my usage has gone waaaay up. But I don’t really use it to describe someone who’s being an asshole.

avatar Ruby August 16, 2011, 9:02 pm

I much prefer “See You Next Tuesday”.

avatar sohara August 18, 2011, 12:55 pm

I LOATHE the c-word. If any man ever called a woman that, I would let him know that it’s a deal breaker. It is as disgusting to me as the n-word is to many others. It’s not a word that I want to see reclaimed. I want it bombed into oblivion.

fast eddie fast eddie August 15, 2011, 8:01 am

I must imagine that letter writers such as this one live on another planet where people like her girlfriend treat their amigos like cockroaches. Everybody needs attention but to get it at the expense of other peoples feelings is no better then a leach sucking blood. That dame needs to be unfriended but as Wendy wisely recommended not maliciously. Don’t stoop to her low level in the social gutter but if it gives her a metaphorical black eye (pause) try not to gloat too much.

avatar Fairhaired Child August 15, 2011, 8:04 am

Wendy is spot on! For the most part, if you really don’t want to cause drama or bring up your own wedding then just don’t. Wendy is right, if you’re still hurt about what happened for her wedding then you can say something like “I know its been some time since your wedding but I really wanted to just tell you that I felt a little hurt by some of the things surrounding it particularly about my boyfriend (now fiance).”

If she asks about your wedding later, or hints at who is in your wedding party (ie is she in it) then you can just tell her politely (without a lot of finger pointing and anger etc) “We decided on the wedding party based on who wanted to be there to support both of us, and figured that given the history that we should go with other people”. Or something along those lines that’s not accusatory but at the same time firmly shows that you did not approve the past rudeness to your boyfriend, and you wont stand for any other future issues that could arise from her “feelings about him”.

avatar EB August 15, 2011, 8:52 am

Frankly, I think the LW’s friend should just feel lucky that she is even invited to the wedding.

I mean it is one thing to not invite a friend’s long-term SO to your wedding based on budget ( a little tacky but generally not a personal dig at the SO) or a desire to have a very small, intimate wedding( i.e. only family and a few very close friends).

It is another to rescind an invitation to a friend’s S.O. because you dislike them. Frankly, I don’t know if I would want someone at my wedding who disliked me enough to ban me from theirs.

avatar EB August 15, 2011, 8:33 am

I understand your anger and frustration that your boyfriend was basically UNINVITED to a wedding that YOU were IN and I applaud you on taking the high road by voicing your disapproval but still participating in said wedding ( I don’t know if I would have been as gracious).

I can also understand why you were upset about being lied to about the specifics of the shower. However, while I do not agree with the lying, I actually think your friend was in the right for not inviting you to the shower. In my opinion, it would have been INCREDIBLY tacky to invite your boyfriend to a shower when he is NOT invited to the wedding.

Also, in my experience, showers have the expectation of gifts and tend to be boring/lame. Why would you even want to go to this shower (i.e. invest more time and money in a person who’s wedding party you would have likely opted out of if you hadn’t already purchased your dress )??

Finally, you said “I have barely spoken to her since her wedding…and I don’t see how she could think she would be in my wedding at this point”. There seems to be no need to address a situation when you both seem to be on the same page about her involvement in your wedding.

I would stop dwelling on this frenemie and concentrate on more important thing like attending as many cake tastings as possible :)

Skyblossom Skyblossom August 15, 2011, 8:53 am

Agreed! This is your time to be happy so spend it planning your own wedding and don’t worry about her. She probably doesn’t want to be in it anyway since your fiance would be there and she doesn’t want to be around him. You only need to deal with her if she asks about being in the wedding and she probably won’t. She’s an exfriend and you don’t have to worry about an ex in the present.

TaraMonster TaraMonster August 15, 2011, 10:45 am

It would have been tacky if she invited him to the shower when he wasn’t invited to the wedding, but the fact he wasn’t invited to the wedding was shady and tacky to begin with. It’s the bride’s fault she was in the predicament of not being able to invite the LW’s boyfriend to the couples shower.

And WTF is a couples shower?!

avatar EB August 15, 2011, 12:31 pm

I completely agree. I thought I made my thoughts clear that I was Team LW and that the friend was TOTALLY in the wrong when I said,

“I understand your anger and frustration that your boyfriend was basically UNINVITED to a wedding that YOU were IN and I applaud you on taking the high road by voicing your disapproval but still participating in said wedding ( I don’t know if I would have been as gracious).”

Regarding the shower, the LW said she had already voiced her disapproval but decided to stay in the wedding party when she found out she was not invited. I just didn’t understand why she was so upset or surprised about not being invited to a couple’s shower(vom) as the bridezilla had already banned her boyfriend from the wedding. I get being furious about the wedding, I just don’t know why the shower snub pushed her over the edge or why even if they were invited her boyfriend would consider going?

avatar EB August 15, 2011, 12:32 pm


TaraMonster TaraMonster August 15, 2011, 12:49 pm

Gotcha. I figured she was offended because the bride and the other bmaids carried on this big charade, changing stories and lying to LW’s face. That would make me mad too. How do you wade through that kind of confusion?! From the letter it sounded to me like the bride had zero ability to politely and maturely handle her desire not to have LW’s bf around.

avatar Eljay August 15, 2011, 9:02 am

If she didn’t want him at her own wedding – why on earth would she want to voluntarily put herself in the position of being in his presence at his OWN wedding? To support him? You? This isn’t a friend and you definitely need to MOA with a swiftness.

avatar Bethany August 15, 2011, 9:13 am

I don’t think any explaination is necessary- She’s not your good friend anymore, why would she be in your wedding? If she asks you why, you can simply say that she’s no longer among your closest friends, so you chose not to ask her. You owe her nothing more than that after the way she treated you.

avatar Quakergirl August 15, 2011, 9:14 am

Wendy’s spot-on, as usual. This girl told you she didn’t like your boyfriend (of I’m assuming 6 or 7ish years? So clearly she’s gotten along with him all that time) for no valid reason and disinvited him from the wedding, then excluded you from wedding party events and still wanted you to be in her wedding? That’s beyond coocoo bananas and you are under absolutely no obligation to even invite her to your wedding given how she treated you and that you haven’t spoken since then.

But, there’s no need to make this situation about your wedding party, because really, it isn’t. It’s about how horribly she treated you and how excluded she made you feel. If you want to repair the friendship, talk to her about it, but if you don’t, just don’t ask her to be in your wedding and let it go. If she asks you or anyone else why you didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid, then feel free to explain, but I wouldn’t provoke a confrontation if you don’t ultimately want to be friends in the future, no matter how tempting it would be to tell her off.

TaraMonster TaraMonster August 15, 2011, 10:50 am

Amen. I don’t think the LW should even invite this woman to her wedding. They’re not friends anymore, and she was treated like crap. LW doesn’t owe her an explanation. If she feels the need to explain to her ex-friend why she doesn’t want her in the bridal party or at the wedding, then she should do so with as little drama as possible. Explaining to her why she isn’t invited sounds like a helluva lot less drama than having her around during the wedding planning to cause problems.

avatar Britannia August 15, 2011, 11:21 am

Actually, there IS a reason why the bride doesn’t like LW’s boyfriend… Because HE is judgey and disapproving of the bride and groom having a child out of wedlock. If there was someone who passed judgment on me like that, who didn’t support the idea of my relationship and love of my boyfriend, I wouldn’t want them at my wedding either.

Budj Budjer August 15, 2011, 11:27 am

I thought the LW stated that that was a lie and her bf said no such thing which spawned the second random excuse of “bullying her brother” from the bride in question.

avatar Britannia August 15, 2011, 11:39 am

It’s very possible that her view of the situation is unobjective and uninformed. Really, does it make sense that the friend who just cut the boyfriend off out of the blue after them being cool for so long?

avatar Quakergirl August 15, 2011, 6:49 pm

I don’t know that it makes any more sense that the boyfriend doesn’t support their marriage because they have a child. If they are somewhat religious, wouldn’t the boyfriend want them to get married?

avatar savannah August 15, 2011, 11:30 am

That’s not exactly what the letter says. It’s not totally clear but I think her friend who was getting married proposed that objection as the LW states “Her reasoning was because “he didn’t agree with their marriage” (due to having a child out-of-wedlock). This was ridiculous and I told her he never said such a thing”
Maybe her bf did say something to her friend and the LW is not aware but I doubt it since her friend felt the need to come up with another reason “so she made up another excuse, which was that he was “mean to her brother in high school.”

avatar Britannia August 15, 2011, 11:37 am

When faced with blatant denial of the validity of your reason for doing something, isn’t it logical to add back-up arguments to your side of things? It may have seemed to the LW that this bride was just spitting out excuses, but maybe she’s had a *slight* problem with him all along and with his bigoted opinion coming to light, she finally decided o put her foot down. I’m jus saying, it’s possible that the LW might not be clear on the whole situation. No one wants to think that their future husband could ever have been a jerk.

avatar Dennis Hong August 15, 2011, 2:30 pm

Jesus Christ, can you possibly make any more baseless assumptions in your post? Where the hell are you pulling all these accusations from? Your c—?!?

avatar Calliopedork August 15, 2011, 2:52 pm

Are you the bride?

avatar SGMcG August 15, 2011, 9:15 am

If you’ve barely spoken to her since her wedding, how do you know that she’s even thinking about being a member of your wedding party? This suggests that you are still talking with her on some level. If her bridezilla behavior was that deporably disrespectful to your boyfriend and your status as a couple, you don’t have to continue talking to her, let alone ask her into your wedding party, or even on the guest list. Just MOA on her and your friendship with her – you have other things to worry about.

caitie_didnt caitie_didn't August 15, 2011, 9:17 am

Wait, you still invited this chick to your wedding after how poorly she treated you?!?! Yikes, I guess it’s too late to do anything about that now, but seriously LW, this is supposed to be a happy and exciting time for you. I honestly wouldn’t waste any more time and energy on this girl. Just pick the people for your wedding party and don’t say anything to her unless she asks you directly. If she does ask you, say something along the lines of “I’ve given very careful thought to the members of my wedding party and chose my most supportive friends”. Only if she prods you further would I bring up her past treatment of you.

avatar Guy Friday August 15, 2011, 9:17 am

I’m confused. Did the friend start dropping hints about expecting to be involved in the wedding party? Did I miss something in this email where the friend made a point of trying to be involved? If you’ve barely spoken to her since last June (and by “last June”, I’m assuming you mean June 2010, not June 2011), and you don’t want to have her in your wedding party . . . then don’t. Just don’t invite her to be in it.

Whether you unburden your anger/resentment/other such feelings upon here is a completely different issue, and I’d defer to Wendy’s advice. But I think you should be careful not to confuse whether or not to talk to her about the issues she caused with whether or not to have her in the wedding. The former is complex; the latter is VERY straight-forward, in my opinion.

avatar cdobbs August 15, 2011, 9:18 am

love wendy’s response, can’t believe she said c*&%! lmfao

avatar cdobbs August 15, 2011, 3:23 pm

i just thought it was funny to hear wendy say cunt. how am i getting purple thumbs for that? i mean i get alot of purple thumbs, so i’m used to it, but still :P

Budj Budjer August 15, 2011, 3:26 pm

I think it’s a sensitive word round these parts….I think it’s hilarious how polarized it is…but because it is so polarized I rarely, if ever, use it. haha.

avatar LTC039 August 15, 2011, 9:39 am

You really should have told her what’s on your mind from the beginning. I get that you wanted to be “drama-free” for her wedding, which is very thoughtful of you, but there’s a difference between avoiding drama & being walked all over. You were the latter. Being a bride does not give her license to be a petty bitch, no matter how good a friend she was, which if she was, she woudn’t have excluded you from all the pre-wedding events, excluded your boyfriend from the wedding, & everything else. You absolutely had every right to tell her something, but that’s all in the past. I def. agree that it’s not a good idea to call her specifically to tell her she’s not in your wedding. She might not even expect it at this point. IMO, you can go one of two ways, either get off your chest what she did & how it made you feel (sans your wedding) or distance yourself from her & if she approaches you, then you tell her. Honestly I usually do the distancing, but other people prefer the former option. All in all, understand that this girl was being a crappy person & that is NEVER ok.

avatar Genevieve August 15, 2011, 10:05 am

How bad of a bully was the LW’s boyfriend to the friend’s little brother? My brothers were bullied pretty hard in middle school and it might be 15 years later but I wouldn’t invite the bullies to my wedding, even if they were dating one of my oldest friend. Am I wrong in picking up on this? LW pretty much dismisses her fruend’s willingness to stick up for her brother as irrelevant, but I feel the right reaction to that should have been “I’m so sorry to hear that. You know, BF has changed a lot over the last 6-7 years and has mentioned to me how sorry he is that he was such a cunt in highschool to your brother. Maybe this could be his chance to make amends?”

avatar KAM August 15, 2011, 10:22 am

I think the issue with the bullying was more that it was an alternative excuse offered, with the intention of keeping the bf out of the wedding. Had it been brought up as the sole reason he wasn’t invited, then it might have carried some more weight. It sounds, though, that the bride was simply fishing for any excuse to keep the LW’s bf away from the ceremony.

avatar LTC039 August 15, 2011, 10:24 am

I totally get your point, as I was a victim of bullying in middle school, but it’s really the fact that it sounded more as an excuse than a sincere concern. It wasn’t the first thing she told her friend & she technically said she would invite the LW’s first, then changed her story around.

Budj Budjer August 15, 2011, 10:30 am

I would be more on bored with that was brought up 6 or 7 years ago when they started dating…

Budj Budjer August 15, 2011, 10:30 am

ugh, board….stupid Monday

sobriquet sobriquet August 15, 2011, 4:51 pm

A lot of people were really mean to me in middle school/high school, but I wasn’t bullied. I think people throw the term “bully” around pretty loosely these days. When I was in school, bullying was a form of harassment. If being mean to someone = bullying, then EVERYONE in high school was a bully! Let’s face it, teens are MEAN to each other.

Anyway, I would be inclined to believe the bridezilla if she had stuck with one excuse instead of piling on new, equally absurd ones. It would be one thing if she didn’t even invite the boyfriend in the first place, but she did. She let her friend spend money on a bridesmaids dress before banning him from the wedding. Only a Cunt with a capital C would do that.

avatar pho_sho August 15, 2011, 10:11 am

Heh, I kind of wonder if something awkward happened between the friend and the boyfriend to make things awkward all of a sudden last year. Maybe he hit on her/she hit on him one drunken night together. Maybe they have some sort of history that they never told the LW about, and for some reason it got really awkward before the wedding. It’s also possible that the LW boyfriend is a boorish ass, and the bride couldn’t handle his behavior anymore and decided she was not going to pay to have such a negative person at her wedding. I’m kind of curious what the friend’s side of the story would be…

Budj Budjer August 15, 2011, 10:31 am

I also wondered that…more than likely she hit on him drunk if that situation happened.

Budj Budjer August 15, 2011, 10:31 am

Un-invite her to your wedding….seriously….but keep her husband as a guest and tell him he is still welcome. PLEASE do that.

avatar LTC039 August 15, 2011, 10:50 am

Nice. I like the way you think! :)

Budj Budjer August 15, 2011, 10:56 am

Haha. I’m usually a turn the other cheek kind of guy because I figure I can take it…but some people deserve bad things.

avatar LTC039 August 15, 2011, 11:00 am

I hear ya. I usually plot really good revenges, but when it comes to actually doing it I feel bad : / But, sometimes (rarely) I do go through with it.

Budj Budjer August 15, 2011, 11:13 am

well that’s a form of therapy…day dreams never hurt anyone.

Jess Jess of CityGirlsWorld.com August 15, 2011, 10:48 am

My head is all mixed up on this one. On one hand, we’ve read a ton of letters from disgruntled bridesmaids and where the advice has been to suck it up. Perhaps this bride didn’t have it in her budget to include the BF. Perhaps the shower really WAS for a select audience. (Can I add too that I am almost jealous that this bridesmaid didn’t have to turn over enormous amounts of time and money toward planning and paying for the shower. I know, I know, that’s not the point but just had to add that. I would love to be excused from planning/paying/attending bridal showers!)

In this case, I DO agree with Wendy that this bride sounds likes a jerk. Probably. Based on this side of the story and the information we’ve been given. And I agree too about LW not needing to say anything to the friend unless approached by her.

But the c-word throws me way off. I don’t understand why that level of hostility is needed here. Maybe I’m prudish but I feel that’s a word only serves to escalates matters.

avatar Jena August 15, 2011, 10:52 am

I can’t believe this girl stood up at said “friend’s” wedding. I would have bowed out, tried to return the dress or sold it, and never talked to her again, because DAMN what a bitch.

avatar MsMisery August 15, 2011, 11:32 am


Budj Budjer August 15, 2011, 11:34 am

I think it is interesting how much power people give words.

avatar beans629 August 15, 2011, 12:09 pm

Totally agree. Everyone who reads her blog doesn’t particularly care that she used the word. I don’t particularly care for Quentin Taratino movies because he uses waaaaaayyyy to much profanity, so you know what I do? I don’t watch his stuff or just try to ignore the most offensive parts if I’m forced to watch one of his movies.

Seriously, it’s that simple.

Besides Wendy’s pregnant so she gets a free pass on using cunt early on a Monday morning. :-)

avatar MissDre August 15, 2011, 12:21 pm

Exactly, I said the same thing before I saw your comment MsMisery. Thumbs up!

Caris Caris August 16, 2011, 1:03 pm

It made me wonder if people would be equally upset if the word “dick” had been used.

landygirl Landygirl August 15, 2011, 11:45 am

I honestly doubt your bridezilla friend will contact you, her world revolves around her alone. If she does call, just tell her given the circumstances, that you don’t feel it’s appropriate for her to be in your wedding party, let alone even attend you wedding. She made her choice, now you make yours.

avatar Princess Bananahammock August 15, 2011, 12:25 pm

This letter is Exhibit A as to why none of you are old (or mature) enough to get married.

avatar Valerie August 15, 2011, 2:49 pm

THIS!!! This was my very first thought after reading this letter.