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Shortcuts: “I’m a Straight Girl Attracted to Other Girls”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I am a teenage girl and have been with my boyfriend for the past two and a half years. I love him deeply and am very happy with him, but today at work — I am a cashier at a crafts store — a girl came to my registry, and, even though she wasn’t the most beautiful girl I’ve seen, she had something extremely special. I found her gorgeous and very outgoing, and I just felt different around her. It was so weird! I didn’t want her to leave the store…

Is this normal? I am 100% straight and always have been, but I find myself occasionally attracted to other girls (not in a sexual way though). I was even more attracted to this girl than anyone else ever! I don’t know what to think. — 100% Straight

 
Well… maybe you aren’t 100% straight. Or, maybe you, like many, many people, including other straight women, happen to find women beautiful to look at, and you feel intrigued by what you might imagine could be a close friendship. It’s totally normal to have “girl crushes,” which might be what you’re experiencing. It’s also totally normal to not entirely have your sexuality figured out as a teenager. A good way to determine if what you’re feeling is a crush or a sexual attraction is to imagine being intimate with the other girl. Is that thought exciting? Then maybe you’re not so straight. If the thought isn’t exciting — or is even a turn-off — maybe you aren’t sexually attracted to girls (or maybe you just aren’t into THAT girl). Either way, if you’re feeling, on a regular basis, more turned on by the idea of someone other than your boyfriend than you are by him, perhaps he’s not cutting it for you and you should do some soul-searching about whether your heart is still in your relationship.

I have been going out with my boyfriend for four and a half years and we recently got engaged. I love him with all my heart, but I had sex with someone else two years ago, after my fiancé, who had been living abroad, and I had a huge argument and decided to break up. I was determined to forget about him and move on, but, when I had sex with the other person, I realized I still loved my boyfriend very much. And so I cried myself to sleep, and the week after I booked a flight to go and see him. Our relationship has been great ever since and I haven’t told him anything, but the guilt is killing me and, to make matters worse, the guy I cheated with is trying to talk to me again, saying he has nudes of me although I really don’t think he does. I am so scared of my fiancé finding out; I really do not want to hurt him and I certainly don’t want to lose him. I don’t know what to do. — No Nudes, Please

 
If you and your boyfriend were broken up when you slept with this other guy, it wasn’t “cheating.” Regardless, I wouldn’t tell your boyfriend about this other guy. He’s probably bluffing about the nudes, and, even if he has them, what are the chances he’s going to show your boyfriend? If he does and your boyfriend is anything but outraged on your behalf that someone would share nude photos of you (that’s such a creepy thing to do), he isn’t someone you want to marry anyway.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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Comments on this entry are closed.

avatar Laura Hope July 18, 2014, 10:12 am

LW1–It’s a girl crush. More of an aesthetic/emotional attraction than a sexual one (although it could have a sexual component too). Every girl I know has had them. I’ve had lots of them. It doesn’t mean you’re gay. It doesn’t mean anything.

avatar zombeyonce July 18, 2014, 12:04 pm

It might mean that she’s bisexual.

fast eddie fast eddie July 19, 2014, 4:34 pm

Your correct that she MIGHT be bi (and so what if she is) or simply attracted to the girl WITHOUT a sexual component. I’d advise her to explore the idea to the limit to discover what it means to her.

KKZ KKZ July 18, 2014, 12:20 pm

And in any case, she gets to decide how she identifies sexually, not anyone else.

othy othy July 18, 2014, 10:19 am

LW 1 – I totally have girl crushes, even though I am happily married. Like Wendy said, imagine being intimate and see what your reaction is. For me, it’s never been a turn on. It’s more my girl crushes are like “Wow, that girl is awesome, and I either want to be like her or be friends with her”.
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That said, I also think sexuality is much less black and white than some people think. There is a thing called a “Kinsey scale”, which is a rating from heterosexual to homosexual, with bi-sexuality in the middle. It could be that you’re not a solid 0 (exclusively heterosexual), but more a 1 or a 2 (predominately hetero with incidental homosexual leanings). You can take Kinsey Scale tests online (here’s one: http://vistriai.com/kinseyscaletest/) and see what way you might lean.
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And also, just because you’re attracted to girls (or even find other guys attractive), doesn’t meant that you can’t be in a happy relationship with your boyfriend.

avatar BecBoo84 July 18, 2014, 11:10 am

I took the Kinsey test, and this was my result: “F The test failed to match you to a Kinsey Type profile. Either you answered some questions wrong, or you are a very unusual person”

avatar MissDre July 18, 2014, 11:15 am

Me too LOL

avatar HmC July 18, 2014, 11:42 am

Me three. I call bullshit. “Very unusual” my ass.

avatar Portia July 18, 2014, 5:09 pm

Me too! Then I changed a couple of my answers that were more in the middle of the two and it gave me exclusively heterosexual.

kare kare July 18, 2014, 11:20 am

I got predominantly homosexual with incidental hetero leanings, which I find odd since I’ve never been with a woman. I just think women are physically more attractive than men. I mean who doesn’t love boobs?

avatar MissDre July 18, 2014, 11:21 am

I’m not really into boobs, I think butts are sexier!

othy othy July 18, 2014, 11:42 am

Same here. Which is why I think I’d be a 1 or so on the scale.

Miel Miel July 18, 2014, 12:08 pm

I got that too. How can you “answer some questions wrong” in a true/false 13 questions thing? Apparently I’m not allowed to have the preferences I do ? Or my typical heterosexual orientation is projected outside of the space-time continuum because I would care about the gender of people in an orgy ?
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Even a BuzzFeed quiz would give better results.

honeybeenicki honeybeenicki July 18, 2014, 12:22 pm

Obviously the quiz knows you better than you know yourself, therefore your answers were wrong.

othy othy July 18, 2014, 12:50 pm

I got a 1, but I guess the test makers didn’t consider all of the options of their test before posting it, if a lot of you guys are getting ‘answers wrong’.

avatar MsMisery July 18, 2014, 1:46 pm

I scored X (non-sexual) so it worked for me. ^_^

honeybeenicki honeybeenicki July 18, 2014, 12:24 pm

I got a 2 – Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual.
I was a little stuck on the which I find more attractive. I think I’m about equal, but generally prefer men so I picked men. But a sexy female can outdo a sexy male any day.

avatar AKchic July 18, 2014, 1:47 pm

I am “predominanty homosexual with more than incidental hetero leanings”.

I find women much more attractive than men.

bagge72 bagge72 July 18, 2014, 11:07 am

LW2: if you were broken up, there is nothing to tell your boyfriend, but I really sounds like you only want to tell him, because this dude is going to tell him before you can. I also have a feeling if this guy does have nudes of you, that things between you and this guy were going on through text/sext before you broke up with your boyfriend, and that is what you are really worried about.

avatar Christy July 18, 2014, 11:25 am

And LW1, you can really call yourself whatever you want to. There’s women who call themselves lesbians who sometimes have sex with men. So like, even if you do want to get into some girl’s pants, if you want to call yourself straight, you can call yourself straight.

And personally, it was great to come out and acknowledge that I’m gay. Sometimes I’ll get that feeling that you described towards a guy, and I’ll get really confused. When I think about them in a romantic sexual context, I realize it’s just a social/emotional attraction, not a sexual attraction.

KKZ KKZ July 18, 2014, 12:40 pm

I’ve had moments in the past where I’ve wondered if I’m actually bi, since I had a lot of female friends who weren’t strictly straight either; I started wondering hmm, maybe everyone’s a little bit bi? But since then I’ve become close friends with two women who are without a doubt 100% straight, who admire sexy women but are turned off by the idea of being sexual *with* women. And it was like Huh! Guess I really am bi! And the fun thing is we’re all very intrigued by each other’s preferences, they love to grill me on what my “type” is, and I can’t fathom how they don’t even want to, like, kiss a woman. Who doesn’t want to kiss women?? Haha.
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There you go, LW1 – “heteroflexible” could be a good term to consider. It’s recently come into vogue as a descriptor for people who are 99% hetero but have crushes/attractions outside their normal preference.
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Incidentally the first girl I had a hardcore crush on, back in high school, it wasn’t immediately a sexual crush – just a very strong sort of magnetism I felt towards her every time I saw her. We were strangers at first but I saw her every day coming out of the classroom where I was headed for Spanish, and in those moments it was like she was the only girl in the hall. Swoon.

Lyra Lyra July 18, 2014, 1:10 pm

I’m like your friends. I admire women who look great but I’m not turned on at all by them and I don’t identify as bi. I just think they look super awesome. I think part of it too may be “I strive to look like her”. Like when I see a woman who is put together and in shape and all that — things I definitely admire — I find myself attracted to them because of those qualities if that makes sense?

othy othy July 18, 2014, 1:45 pm

All of this makes total sense to me.

KKZ KKZ July 18, 2014, 2:08 pm

I think that makes sense, and that’s what my straight friends have said too, that they can think a woman is sexy but not want to be “with her” like that. And even as a bi woman, there are women I’ve seen/known where my attraction stops at that level too…. and others where I want to be all up on them, haha. In general, women are more likely to give me pantsfeelings than men, I pay more attention to them and notice them first. But it’s not like it never happens with men, and when it does, it’s just as powerful. So yeah… I don’t think there’s any better identity for me than bisexual. :)

avatar Smalls July 18, 2014, 1:17 pm

LW1 – I’ve had the same feelings before, and I identify as a straight woman. I think sexual attraction can be pretty fluid – I’ve found some women amazingly attractive, and have fantasized about them. I really thought about what I would do if we were together, and while making out and touching seemed sexy, the thought of having full-on sex never created the kind of desire in me that the same thoughts about men did. Ultimately, I think you can be turned on by and attracted to different people, and you’ll work out your strongest preferences over time.

mylaray mylaray July 18, 2014, 5:03 pm

I’m bisexual and there are plenty of women I find beautiful but I’m not attracted to all of them. The Kinsey scale is really flawed and there is a lot more than just sexual attraction. There is a lot more than any label provides. Identify however you want and keep exploring that. It’s totally normal.

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