Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Tech Issues/ No Forums in the Meantime/ Open Thread

Site-Maintenance

As you probably noticed, the site was down a majority of the day today, Monday. There seems to be an issue with the forums that’s affecting the whole site and the issue isn’t fixed yet. It will take some time tomorrow to get to the bottom of it. In the meantime, my developer has disabled the forum feature so we can at least have the site back up. Expect DW to be offline for a while again tomorrow though as we continue to work on the issues.

And since we were all without communication with each other today and there are no forums currently to shoot the shit, feel free to use this as an open thread.

188 comments… add one
  • veritek33

    veritek33 March 16, 2015, 4:34 pm

    OMG I NEEDED THE FORUMS SO BAD TODAY.

    TOPIC: Can you bounce back from REALLY REALLY BAD first time sex?
    I had sex for the first time with a new guy last night and it was bad. Too aggressive, performance issues, etc., awkward awkward awkward. And he was so embarrassed and I felt so bad for him and I kept telling him it was okay and it got to the point that I just needed for him to leave because it was getting so awkward (he was at my house). I didn’t tell him he had to leave I just kind of waited for him to make that decision on his own.

    Other than the physical stuff so far he’s a great guy! Do I give him a second chance at sex?

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover March 16, 2015, 5:57 pm

      Might as well, right? Why give up now, if you really like him? If it’s better the second time then that’s great, and if not, you’ll know you’re making the right decision. 🙂

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    • avatar

      Sunshine Brite March 16, 2015, 6:24 pm

      I can see some growing pains being able to get past. I’m not sure about total ridiculousness but hey if he’s cool otherwise doesn’t hurt… well it might a little if he doesn’t improve.

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    • mrmidtwenties

      mrmidtwenties March 16, 2015, 6:32 pm

      If I were you I would give him another chance. I’ve had a few awkward times my first times with a girl and things are definitely better the second time. I only say that because he was embarrassed and obviously knew it went awry. If he was one of those folks that thought he did awesome when he didn’t, well that’s another story.

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    • avatar

      Anna March 16, 2015, 7:41 pm

      If you like him as a person, I would try it again. The first time I was with the guy I dated for 9 years, it was terrible but it got better after a little more practice and communication about what I wanted him to do. Before too long, I was having multiple orgasms all the time. The fact that he turned out to be a douche waffle is irrelevant because it was still really good sex.

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    • avatar

      Taylor March 16, 2015, 7:49 pm

      Yes you can!
      I had a terrible first time with a friend once – lots of performance anxiety bc it had been over a year for him, and his last attempt had involved a lot of barking dogs, and then he built it up into a whole thing. Anhoo, I came along, and it was like, Whoa dude, I’m here too, it’s ok. Talk about a piston. Anyway, once we got that out of the way, we had a great rest of the summer.

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    • Cassie

      Cassie March 16, 2015, 7:59 pm

      If you really like him otherwise, and he’s a great guy, then perhaps give him a second chance if you feel he’d be open to taking direction. I think, because he was embarrassed, he probably could tell it didn’t go so well. But, if you do go through with the date and sex a second time, and either one is bad, then nope. No more.

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh March 16, 2015, 8:12 pm

      Going off what Fabelle said below instead of asking do I give him a second chance? Ask do I WANT to have sex with him again? He might be a great guy but it doesn’t mean he’s a great guy for you or that this is something you should keep investing in. It honestly sounds kind of like you’re forcing this on yourself, sex is fun. When it’s not fun it shouldn’t be had. There are far better things to do with your time than have bad sex!

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    • Raccoon eyes

      Raccoon eyes March 16, 2015, 8:38 pm

      Im in the camp that it may even take up to 3 times to be near great, and more to be spectacular. But that is just me. I mean, once you are of a certain age and stuff isnt necessarily happening post-party/bar/whatever, I think that it is easy to get into your own head too much about the first time with somebody- men and women.
      *
      But I also agree with whoever was saying that you shouldnt have to convince yourself to give him another chance. In my own experience, it is too easy to decide a guy is good on paper, so you convince yourself that you are MEANTTOBETOGETHER and therefore MUSTMAKEITWORK! But that is just me. 😉

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    • Bucky

      waterbug March 17, 2015, 12:17 am

      Yes. Our first time/my first time was so bad. It got way better. If you like him and feel chemistry then I would for sure give it another chance.

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      • Nookie

        Nookie March 17, 2015, 5:37 am

        It’s a tough one, I can totally get behind what Fab’s saying below about thinking it through if you really want to give him another chance.

        There’s awkward that leads to better, I think we’ve all had that – of course the first time neither of you knows how the other likes it and are just throwing it all in, seeing what sticks.

        But the jackhammer thing… in my own experience, some guys don’t really get that’s not really going to work for us. Do you have the kind of communication where you could feel comfortable asking him to slow it down? With one particular jackrabbit, I never had the ability to tell him.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom March 17, 2015, 8:49 am

      I think it comes down to how much you like him, how much you’re attracted to him. If you feel like you can’t get enough of him and you’re willing to give him a learning curve then go for it. If you’re cringing at the very thought of going out again and feel like you have to force yourself to give him one more shot then don’t. I’m guessing that if you have to ask then the answer is no.

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  • avatar

    ktfran March 16, 2015, 4:45 pm

    I had a HORRIBLE first time sex experience once with a guy I liked. I went on two more dates with him after that, but just could not have sex with him. I was traumatized from the first experience.
    .
    He was a pretty big guy, tall and broad. But his penis was ridiculously small, which I would have possibly been ok with if the his technique weren’t so icky. Think jack hammer the entire time. I cringe just thinking about it.
    .
    So no, I couldn’t recover after that bad experience.

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    • avatar

      ktfran March 16, 2015, 4:46 pm

      That was supposed to be a reply to veritek.

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    • veritek33

      veritek33 March 16, 2015, 4:47 pm

      oh god, you’re kind of describing what happened last night. Oy. I agreed to one more date so I may go and give it a shot, but dear lord it was bad. Poor guy was so embarrassed.

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      • avatar

        ktfran March 16, 2015, 4:51 pm

        I wish you luck!

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      • veritek33

        veritek33 March 16, 2015, 4:57 pm

        Thanks :-/

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle March 16, 2015, 4:59 pm

        I would say, no. Like…that sounds pretty bad, but also I think you sometimes tend to give more chances than is necessary? I think your new dating motto should be “No second chances” for a while. It will help you with the back and forth-ness too–instead of being like, “well should I, even though I feel a little iffy and this ONE thing sucks but otherwise he’s great!” you can stop your thought process by being like, “NOPE. No second chances.” It sounds ruthless but BE RUTHLESS <3

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      • veritek33

        veritek33 March 16, 2015, 5:01 pm

        Oh god Fab you’re probably right. I give way too many chances. This has been established. Thanks for the reality check.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh March 16, 2015, 5:18 pm

        yeah I agree. I don’t think that kind of sex is worth trying again. If sex isn’t at least kind of fun, what you’re describing doesn’t sound fun or enjoyable at any point. it doesn’t need a second chance. he’s also not a great kisser, right?

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      • avatar

        ktfran March 16, 2015, 5:03 pm

        I actually agree with you on this. This last date I had with my bad sex experience guy… I so did not want to be there. I should have canceled, but felt bad. I had no reason to feel bad. I wasn’t feeling it. Guys say no to women all the time without a second thought. I should have had your no second chance rule. I’m going to adopt that now.

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      • avatar

        booknerd March 16, 2015, 5:52 pm

        I love Fabelle’s response. So many times women give it another go just to be nice. Not giving that extra date or chance doesn’t make you a jerk or rude. Stop being so nice! Lol, but really. Could it have been worse? It doesn’t sound like it could’ve.

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      • Portia

        Portia March 16, 2015, 6:36 pm

        Yes, be ruthless! Knock over the Coke machine!

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      • Moneypenny

        Moneypenny March 16, 2015, 5:36 pm

        Oh gosh. I have had many awkward / bad first sex, and most of the time I never saw the guy again (which was a-ok to me 99% of the times).
        I generally feel like, with first time sex or even first kisses, you may just run into a little awkwardness, just because you’re figuring out the other person’s likes and dislikes (and vice versa), what works for them/you, what doesn’t, etc. But yikes, I mean… there’s a limit to how much you will be ok with. I’m not sure I’d spend too much more time on this guy unless you really like him and think you can guide him to get things to where you like them to be.

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      • veritek33

        veritek33 March 17, 2015, 3:22 pm

        My biggest fear at this point is the awkwardness. We were both embarrassed Sunday night and I’m just hoping that embarrassment goes away.

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      • avatar

        Sunshine Brite March 16, 2015, 6:25 pm

        Gah, I didn’t see that before my response above, disregard that sounds gross. Don’t go out with him again.

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      • Bucky

        waterbug March 17, 2015, 12:20 am

        yep, seconded. I posted my first response before seeing the follow up. There is a difference between normal bad/awkward and…that….

        Plus, if kissing is still weird after this long, it seems doubtful the sex would improve that much.

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  • muchachaenlaventana

    muchachaenlaventana March 16, 2015, 4:51 pm

    Wasn’t he also a really bad kisser? If not ignore but if you are a bad kisser that’s already implying (imo) the sex has a high chance of sucking and this guy just proved that correct. The one bad kisser I ever dated was also horrible in bed, in the four months we dated I had approximately 0 orgasms and although he’s a great guy I can’t think of him or see him without inwardly cringing. Personally I’d say no…

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    • veritek33

      veritek33 March 16, 2015, 4:54 pm

      He was bad at first and then the kissing got better. Like Friday night we had a really good makeout session. But last night was a whole other story

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh March 16, 2015, 5:19 pm

        haha i missed this 🙂 but i agree all i would be able to think about was bad kissing plus bad sex on the next date and that sounds sad for you!

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh March 16, 2015, 5:20 pm

    today was a day and a half. work is only really stressful for me a few days a year and this was one of them. people are annoying and they don’t read emails, listen to presentations, read handouts or anything. they just do their own thing and then get upset at you when something doesn’t work. i i’m drinking wine and eating popcorn for dinner at all of them, because i can’t punch them.

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    • Cassie

      Cassie March 16, 2015, 7:52 pm

      I love eating popcorn for dinner. I don’t even need a reason, haha.

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  • Lyra

    Lyra March 16, 2015, 6:06 pm

    Oooo this could be fun….what if we took a walk down memory lane and people find their favorite letter in the archives and post the link here? 🙂

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  • Cassie

    Cassie March 16, 2015, 6:09 pm

    NSP strikes again!!

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  • avatar

    sammidee March 16, 2015, 6:23 pm

    Did Sarah_b actually get ahold of the internet police?!

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  • avatar

    booknerd March 16, 2015, 6:25 pm

    Maybe she did, and that’s what’s happened to the forums. Sarah b!

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite March 16, 2015, 6:27 pm

    I was so useless today you guys. I don’t know what it was but the whole trajectory of the day was just like I was not about to get anything done no matter what so just give into it sort of feeling.

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    • avatar

      Sunshine Brite March 16, 2015, 6:28 pm

      Hate that feeling. I’m trying to get positive though, after days like that I often have a pretty good burst of productivity trying to cancel it out.

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  • avatar

    booknerd March 16, 2015, 6:31 pm

    Me too. My back is killing me and my son is at the delightful age of destroying all order. Pure chaos. He just takes everything out of drawers and bins and everything is all over the floors and as soon as I put it back, it’s something else somewhere else. Ha, it’s actually fun most of the time. If I wasn’t in physical pain, it be better. His abilit to destroy are mind blowing. He’s not even walking yet.

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    • avatar

      booknerd March 16, 2015, 6:31 pm

      *abilities

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    • Portia

      Portia March 16, 2015, 6:43 pm

      I’m totally imagining him as Pain and Panic from the Hercules cartoon from the 90’s. Adorable.

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      • avatar

        booknerd March 16, 2015, 9:06 pm

        Ha ha! Thanks. He’s a really sweet and adorable little monster!

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  • Lyra

    Lyra March 16, 2015, 7:32 pm

    To update from my weekend forum, I just called my mom and told her exactly how stressful and overwhelming it has been with my dad and his ideas (complete with sobbing and tears unfortunately, ugh). She really didn’t understand just how bad it was — I told her I’ve been considering putting distance between myself and him, and she was shocked when she heard that. I also explained to her exactly where their financial contributions are going, and that, per their request, it is all 100% going towards the reception venue, thus is already all accounted for. She completely understood that and was ok with that, and is going to talk with him and calm him down so we can all find a happy medium for something in which should be a happy time. Thank you again for all your input. Much appreciated. Oh, and the water bottles of peace may become a thing…

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    • Bucky

      waterbug March 17, 2015, 12:33 am

      I hope it works out well. Glad mom is understanding.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra March 17, 2015, 6:53 am

        Thank you. I think it will work out.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray March 17, 2015, 9:00 am

      Hi Lyra – I’ve been following your issues with your dad. I think when you’re in the middle of stressful planning (or stressful anything) it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. You’re essentially sobbing about a dad who wants save the dates and water bottles, which sounds crazy from an outsider’s perspective; it seems like a big over-reaction, and nothing that a calm “sorry, no extra money for those things” or a “well, let’s see what we can cut to make room in the budget for water bottles” (and maybe the answer is nothing) can’t solve. I know from being in the thick of it – and maybe it’s not so much about save-the-dates and water bottles as it is some deeper life-long battle you’ve had with your dad. I’d try not to make it bigger than it is. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it; no need to make excuses. Your dad sounds like a responsible man who’s raised a responsible daughter – and he should get it. But when you become emotional about it I think you start to lose perspective. “You” meaning people in general. So I say relax, have a glass of wine or 5, and look forward to the time when you and your husband can look back and laugh about that one time you lost your shit over save the dates and water bottles!

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray March 17, 2015, 9:01 am

        Oh, a couple of run on sentences and incomplete thoughts but over all, there, those are my deep thoughts about dadzilla.

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      • Portia

        Portia March 17, 2015, 9:37 am

        This is making me remember the time I was a co-chair for a conference. I held the stress in pretty well (let’s just say my co-chair was more of a quarter-chair), but the day after it was finally all over, one girl just went a little too far whining about how it seemed like people were mad at her for not helping out. I Lost. My. Shit. It was epic. To be fair, I warned her not to ask about the conference about 10 seconds before she started in, but yeah. It took probably a few months until I could look back on it and laugh (and a bit longer for her to not be scared of me). Now it’s just a funny story. Perspective, man.

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      • avatar

        Jenny March 17, 2015, 10:50 am

        Ok, thanks AP. I was thinking the same thing. If this seems sobbing-worthy, then you should probably thank your parents that you’ve had a pretty awesome life thus far. Because thinking about wanting to distance yourself from your Dad over this is just crazy to me. As someone who has lost a parent, and didn’t get to have both parents at my wedding, this is all just too much for me. I get that you’re in the thick of it but there is no sense in thinking of distancing yourself from a man who has loved you all your life because he’s overly excited about ONE DAY. I get that your wedding is important but it’s not nearly as important to your marriage as all the days that follow it. You get to have both parents there and you’re lucky enough that they’re willing and able to contribute money toward your big day. Count your blessings.

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      • avatar

        Jenny March 17, 2015, 11:02 am

        I tried to reply to this on my phone and my comment seemed to disappear…weird. But I just wanted to second what AP is saying. If this seems sob worthy to you, I think you need to call your parents and thank them for a pretty awesome life thus far. Thinking of putting distance between you and your father over this just is absurd to me. As someone who has lost a parent, and didn’t get to have both parents at my wedding, I just can’t fathom this. I get that you’re in the thick of it right now, but the fact that you have both parents who are alive and well and happy for you, and able and willing to contribute to your wedding…you should be seriously grateful. I get that your wedding is a big deal but it is ONE DAY and not nearly as important to your marriage as all the days that will follow. Your dad has loved and cared for you your whole life and that is so much more important than water bottles and one (admittedly important) day.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra March 17, 2015, 12:16 pm

        Jenny, I completely understand this, and trust me I am IMMENSELY grateful for my parents. Every single day. My mom lost her mom early on in life so I DEFINITELY know that I’m lucky to have both parents with me right now. This isn’t just about water bottles and save the dates though. My dad’s personality is overbearing and controlling, and THAT is the issue. And that’s what worries me — in thinking of the days following in our marriage, I’m immensely worried that he will come in and try to gain control other things…like buying a house, having kids, etc. As an example, he sent my brother unsolicited daily emails with links from zillow.com because my dad thought it was time for my brother to buy a house. This wasn’t a decision my brother came to on his own. And again, his actions DID come out of love…but in my opinion there are some things adult children do on their own. Intense, constant, unsolicited advice even when the adult child has asked for a reprieve doesn’t help, it hinders.
        .
        My concern is that this will carry on into our marriage and Navy Guy has already told me his concerns about dealing with my dad’s intensity and his need to be involved in everything and offering unsolicited advice in everything. That’s why I needed advice now as to how to draw a boundary — because I AM more focused on the future and being married than the actual wedding day and I have a feeling in order to have a healthy marriage, I need some sort of boundary with my dad.
        .
        I don’t expect everyone to completely understand my situation because again, this is only a snapshot as to what has been going on for the past 10+ years with my dad. Trust me, I LOVE my parents and am incredibly grateful to have both of them around. They’ve both had health issues in the past few years so I do realize what I have. I’m not a bridezilla, believe it or not I’m not hyper-focused on this ONE DAY of my life, and no I don’t expect mommy and daddy to pay for everything because that’s absolutely ridiculous.

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      • avatar

        booknerd March 17, 2015, 12:34 pm

        Have you actually talked to your father about this? Maybe that’s what you should do.

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      • avatar

        Jenny March 17, 2015, 1:11 pm

        I can feel for you a bit, honestly, because my Dad can be a bit overbearing too. I just dealt with him inviting/wanting to invite extra people to my toddler’s bday party which he isn’t paying for. I just pick my battles. Honestly, if you knew your Dad was like this, it may have been a good idea to just have a small wedding that you could afford yourselves. Some things just aren’t worth it. Maybe I’m just having a hard time with thinking you’re not super focused on this one day because it’s been talked about so much here, even when it’s not relevant. It just seems overblown. But whenever there’s a communication issue, 99% of the time the answer is TALK TO THE PERSON. Take Dad out to lunch or something and talk about how he’s making you feel. Try and be positive and gracious and tell him you value his opinions but need a little space. I also have in laws that can be overbearing and I have a great and close relationship with them…I just limit what I tell them. And I try and laugh off some things they do that can seem patronizing because they don’t intend to be that way (even if they are). But if this is such a big issue I think you and NG should be sitting and talking about how you’re going to handle dad’s overbearing behavior long term and not worry quite so much on the little details of the wedding.

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        absurdfiction March 17, 2015, 2:54 pm

        I think the point is that Lyra and NG need to be figuring out how to address Dad’s intrusiveness NOW, not after the wedding. My MIL started going a bit overboard leading up to our wedding, and if my husband had not stepped up to address it, and communicated with me openly about the issue (this was not me bitching to him about it, this was both of us together seeing what was happening and feeling uncomfortable), I would have been a little nervous about our impending marriage. Your ‘new’ family comes first after you get married, so just saying screw it and letting Dad steamroll now is not setting a great precedent for how they will handle these boundaries going forward. Yes, you have to pick your battles, but this is a key time in establishing how Lyra plans to address this, and we talk a lot around here about actions being so much more important than words – so how would NG have faith in their discussions about hypothetically creating boundaries while Dad is still actively butting in?
        .
        And while her parents’ contribution toward the wedding should of course be taken into consideration, that does not give them carte blanche to plan the wedding for her. This is clearly stressing her out, and while it may be something of an overreaction, weddings are stressful and this is about a pattern of behavior that needs to be addressed, not water bottles.

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        Jenny March 17, 2015, 6:35 pm

        I agree with you that she needs to focus on her father’s pattern of behavior and what that means for her and NG moving forward, and I said as much above. And I don’t think that financially contributing to the wedding gives them carte blanche to plan, but, if she knows her father is like this, it’s probably not in her best interest to accept money because then he does have a right to have input as to where his money goes. I sympathize with Lyra here and can understand why she’s upset but I still think this is an overreaction and that she’s not focused on what’s important. Gratitude needs to be expressed through actions, not just words.

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      • mylaray

        mylaray March 17, 2015, 11:22 am

        I agree with what AP and others said. If I read right, it doesn’t really sound like you’ve had to put a lot of boundaries between your parents before. And your dad is likely already mourning the loss of you and you starting your own family so he wants some input on the wedding and wants to feel needed. These issues are going to crop up again if you aren’t firm in your decision, but at the same time, I think just stepping back and getting some perspective helps you see if this really is something to be getting this upset about.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra March 17, 2015, 12:24 pm

        You’re right, I haven’t put up many boundaries with my parents…but that’s not from a lack of trying. The thing is that he has an incredibly overbearing personality and won’t let things go even if someone asks him in a respectful way. I’ve stood up to him before and he just goes crazy and instead of opening his ears and listening to what I have to say. Like I said above, I’m realizing how deeply rooted this is…at least the past 10 years have been like this.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray March 17, 2015, 1:10 pm

        Ok, assuming your dad has always had an incredibly overbearing personality – you know him better than we do that is for sure! – how do you usually react to his usual ways? Do you ignore him? Argue back? Laugh? … Something tells me he doesn’t usually leave you sobbing and trying to establish distance. And *that* there is the bridezilla in you! (I’m going to start referring to anyone over-reacting to normal things during wedding planning as a bridezilla, I think that’s fair, no? And we can call this “normal” because your father has always been like this, right?)

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      • Lyra

        Lyra March 17, 2015, 11:57 am

        Thanks for your perspective. I will say this issue is indeed MUCH deeper than just water bottles and save the dates. This has been an issue for a long long long time (since high school at least), it’s just those stupid water bottles that brought it out in droves. It’s something where I feel like I can’t communicate with him at all because instead of just listening and being understanding he jumps in and figures out to the tiniest detail how I should react. I see how an outsider would think I’m overreacting, but trust me, you don’t have the whole story. I don’t plan on going into it, but in a nutshell, he likes to micromanage things in my life and even when I respectfully ask him to back off a bit because I’ve got it he DOES NOT let it go. He has the best of intentions, but it’s hard when it feels like your dad doesn’t trust your decisions and feels like his way is the only way to do things. I have a good relationship with my dad but he tends to be pretty irrational and I have already felt like I have to put space between us because of that…pre water bottles and save the dates.
        .
        I’m a gracious person, and I’m ever so thankful for their financial contribution. However even if they had NOT given a gift, I guarantee it would still be like this.

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        jlyfsh March 17, 2015, 12:20 pm

        In your reply here and on the forum you place all of the blame on your Dad. It might be helpful to take a step back and realize that even if he is a difficult person to deal with, you play a part in your relationship. Honestly the picture you’re painting is of a not that great guy. I understand he’s your Dad and you want a relationship with him. But, at some point if you’re going to keep that relationship open and you know he’s not going to change, you have to figure out ways/tools to deal with him. I think part of that is knowing how to pick your battles. If you view every one of his opinions as something you have to fight against from the start because you think he wants to dictate your life you’re going in to every conversation on the offense and that’s not helpful for your relationship either.
        .
        It’s also much easier to disregard someone’s opinion when you didn’t accept a gift from them.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra March 17, 2015, 12:26 pm

        That’s been something I have struggled for a long time, and I am definitely aware of the fact that I sometimes fight back unnecessarily.

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      • avatar

        Kate March 17, 2015, 1:05 pm

        What happens if you just ignore him rather than fighting back? For example, if he starts sending you unsolicited real estate listings can you just ignore them or be like “Thanks!!” and nothing more? Or if he starts bugging you about when you’re having kids, just kind of shrug and smile? In other words, not engage.

        That’s after you’re married though. I feel your pain here, but you accepted a large gift of money from your dad and that creates some obligation. I deal with ridiculous clients all the time (who are paying a large amount of money for a project) and a big part of my job is keeping projects on budget. And some of these clients are crazy. Could you treat it the way we treat scope creep in a project? Instead of just saying “no, we can’t do that,” a lot of the time we frame it like, hmm, tell me what you need and what’s behind the need for that. We try to better understand where they’re coming from to make sure it’s really necessary and why. And then if they still insist they need it and we can see that either there’s a valid reason for it or there’s just no way for them to push back on some internal force, then we say something like, “ok, let me just find out how many hours that would take and what the potential cost will be, and I’ll let you know ASAP.” And then we can come back and explain which parts of their request we can handle (because sometimes what they’re asking for isn’t even possible), and we let them know the time and cost implications. Would something like that work with your dad? Like with the water bottles, “well, we’re doing x on the tables themselves, and if we want to accommodate the water bottles, what we could do is set up a table for them over here next to the bar (or whatever, I’m making it up), and the additional cost would be x. Is that something you want us to go ahead and do, and you’ll cover the cost? If not, we’d need to spend less on Y, and I’m not sure we have any wiggle room there.” With clients, we keep the emotions out of it obviously, and we keep it rational and based on a discussion of time and costs. They know we’re considering their request and looking to find a solution, so they don’t feel dismissed or attacked. Could that work for you?

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      • Portia

        Portia March 17, 2015, 3:19 pm

        I wish I could thumbs up this response! Manage your response, make the person feel heard and considered, and do your best to keep emotions out of it. I feel like I did this a lot in grad school…

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      • avatar

        Kate March 17, 2015, 3:41 pm

        I should have added, this can only work if they’ve established the scope and budget already, meaning she first needs to share the budget with her dad so he sees what the scope is.

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      • Portia

        Portia March 17, 2015, 4:28 pm

        Seconded. We convinced our department chair that having the conference in one of the most expensive buildings on campus was unfeasible this way. And he ended up telling whoever would listen afterward how much he liked the building we went with (and it accidentally ended up being free, so win win).

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      • Cassie

        Cassie March 17, 2015, 11:55 pm

        Kate I really like your advice here! I feel like I need to take notes.

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      • avatar

        Kate March 18, 2015, 6:14 am

        15 years of experience with people who ask for totally crazy things! It’s a good skill set to have. You can’t just say “no” to everything, nor can you do everything they ask, so you figure out what’s really necessary and do it if it still fits into the scope. If not, you politely let them know how much more and get the money!

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      • avatar

        Kate March 18, 2015, 6:52 am

        And one more thing… Where exactly will I get if I make a huge point of telling the client their idea sucks, or how they’re fucking killing me, or I need to get some space from them? Nowhere good, and probably out of a job. Where will I get if I listen politely, say “hmmm, ok,” and solve the problem? I preserve my margins, have the best revenue per hour of anyone, nurture the client relationship, and get promoted! Seriously this is how it works. Treat this like business. You’re the project coordinator and Dad is one of the wacky clients.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom March 18, 2015, 7:42 am

        I love this advice. I work with the public, we have patrons instead of clients and we work with whoever walks through the door. Most people are wonderful but some are difficult and some are obnoxious and we deal with them and we remain pleasant. We get who we get and we don’t have a fit and we try to smile.

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      • Cassie

        Cassie March 18, 2015, 6:34 pm

        I might have to pick your brain further on this in the future if you are willing. I am working towards building up a resume writing and interview coaching business over the next couple of years, and while I have a good handle on the writing process and interview coaching, client relations will be completely new to me. Let me know if you would be willing to give me some tips on dealing with clients.

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      • avatar

        Kate March 18, 2015, 6:44 pm

        @Cassie, that’s cool! Client Relations is my middle name. I have seen it all, and consistently get called out for great handling and effectively pushing back. In fact, when my company got acquired last year by a huge company that you know, my main client who makes a brand of tissue that you buy, told them they didn’t care wtf the big company did as long as they didn’t take me away from them. So, I am your woman and would be happy to consult. I think you know who I am on FB? I do know who you are. Lmk!

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      • Cassie

        Cassie March 18, 2015, 6:50 pm

        Yup, I’ll add you on there. Thank you for being willing to help me!

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      • avatar

        Overrrrrr it March 18, 2015, 1:27 pm

        Holy crap, Lyra. WAPS.

        Act like an adult and have a real conversation with your dad (not your mom), without sobbing. Show them the numbers. If you act like an adult, you’ll receive adult responses.

        Sorry. I know that’s harsh. But I literally can’t even (lol) anymore.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom March 17, 2015, 5:43 pm

      Good for you for having that conversation. Hopefully it gets some good results.

      Now is a good time to discuss how you will handle your dad in the future. If he sends unsolicited emails you don’t have to open them. If he asks about when you plan to have kids tell him that kids are a private discussion between you and your husband. You can say the same thing about purchasing a home or any other topic he may bring up. Tell him that’s a private discussion between you and NG. If he persists you say goodbye and leave. Even if he follows you to the door you leave. After you’re married you’ll often have NG with you at your parents so there will be two of you to walk out the door together. If it is too bad don’t go to your parents alone. Enforce your boundaries kindly and politely but enforce them. Even if you’ve just arrived at their house, if he crosses a boundary you leave. It is more difficult to do that at your own place. You’ll have to work out with NG how the two of you will handle him at your place. The difference with the wedding is that he is paying for part of it so how the money is spent is his business. I would keep a print out on you that shows reception expenses and how much is still owed on the reception and how much of their money remains to be spent, which you’ve said none is left that isn’t already earmarked for an already contracted expenses. You can say that he has a nice idea but there is no money for it and then pull out the budget and show him that there is no extra. Be patient, you will probably have this conversation over and over. It’s good practice for having a toddler because they will also have a mind of their own with their own ideas about what they do and don’t want to do.

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  • avatar

    Anna March 16, 2015, 7:53 pm

    I sold a pest control contract to a super hot guy today, the manager of a new kava bar. He’s brand new to NC and unattached and he gave me free kava tea. I kinda got the feeling he thought I was cute too. Since I was there on business, I didn’t outright ask if he was single. I asked if he brought his family to NC with him too and he said no, it’s just him. Now that he’s my client, I have an excuse to go there whenever I’m in the area and talk to him. And just btw, kava tea has a nice effect.

    Reply Link
    • Cassie

      Cassie March 16, 2015, 8:01 pm

      Anna what is Raleigh like? My husband and I have been considering moving to NC down the road a couple years from now if the work opportunity comes up for him (which we think it might).

      Reply Link
      • Lyra

        Lyra March 16, 2015, 8:12 pm

        NOOOOOO! Don’t leave MN!!!!!!

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      • Cassie

        Cassie March 16, 2015, 8:16 pm

        NC has beaches, mountains, and only gets down to like the 30’s or 40’s in winter. Basically, NC sounds like heaven.

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      • avatar

        Sunshine Brite March 16, 2015, 8:19 pm

        So you’re going to keep a room for me? Perfect.

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      • Cassie

        Cassie March 16, 2015, 8:27 pm

        People in NC don’t need houses. They sleep under the stars like the utopia it is.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh March 16, 2015, 8:28 pm

        or in beds on covered porches by the ocean. that’s utopia!!

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      • Cassie

        Cassie March 16, 2015, 8:33 pm

        Hahaha, true.

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      • avatar

        Anna March 16, 2015, 8:45 pm

        Raleigh is pretty freaking awesome. The weather is great, job market is really good, and cost of living is pretty low. It’s only 2 hours from the beaches of Wilmington and 3 hours from the mountains. Oh, and if it even threatens to snow you get a snow day from work.

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      • Cassie

        Cassie March 16, 2015, 10:15 pm

        Aaaand… sold!

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    • avatar

      Sunshine Brite March 16, 2015, 8:19 pm

      It should be fun to flirt with him a bit but be sure to not mix business and pleasure!

      Reply Link
      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray March 17, 2015, 9:07 am

        And don’t mix business product with cocktails! I dunno. I’m not funny today.

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    • avatar

      shakeourtree March 17, 2015, 2:40 pm

      Are you talking about the kava place in Carrboro? It’s practically next door to my boyfriend’s house, but we couldn’t figure out what it was until we just went in one day–no signs or anything. We decided we need to go again soon before it goes out of business because it always looks so dead in there.

      Reply Link
  • Nookie

    Nookie March 17, 2015, 5:39 am

    An update on my moaning on the deleted thread: Things have gotten a little better since I wrote that and thanks to everyone who tried to make me feel a bit better about it all, sometimes it’s good just to get things off your chest a bit. Merci!

    Reply Link
  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray March 17, 2015, 9:33 am

    You guyzzzz, remember that time we didn’t even have forums? And then Wendy introduced forums and some of us were like “nooooo, too much change, too fast,” and then we all started using the forums all the time, and then the forums went away and we were like “oh no, oh no, how will we survive!?!” We’re such a dramatic group.

    Reply Link
    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray March 17, 2015, 9:36 am

      Oh and the thumbs! The downward thumbs. Remember how crazy we got about the downward thumbs? “We” including me, I know. I’m just taking a trip down memory lane.

      Reply Link
      • Nookie

        Nookie March 17, 2015, 9:52 am

        The Thumb Wars were kind of epic. Also, I’m really proud of the ‘Thumb Wars’.

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki March 17, 2015, 9:46 am

      We are OBVIOUSLY not equipped for change around here. And once we get used to a change, we can’t handle it changing again.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Sunshine Brite March 17, 2015, 10:05 am

        Yes, must stay the same, must stay the same.

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    • Cassie

      Cassie March 17, 2015, 10:53 pm

      Gah our coping mechanisms suck.

      Reply Link
  • honeybeenicki

    honeybeenicki March 17, 2015, 9:43 am

    I had my 20 week ultrasound/anatomy scan yesterday and baby Roarke is doing amazing! They said everything looks great, he has no markers for Down Syndrome or any other genetic issues and is a big boy. He was super uncooperative and moved around the whole time, but that’s ok. I did find out that I have placenta previa, but they’re hoping that will resolve itself by 32 weeks, so I’m choosing not to worry about it yet.

    Reply Link
    • Crochet.Ninja

      Crochet.Ninja March 17, 2015, 10:01 am

      I love that name!!

      Reply Link
      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki March 17, 2015, 10:10 am

        Thank you 🙂 I’m a huge fan of it myself (obviously). Its been picked for… longer than I wanted kids.

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      • avatar

        booknerd March 17, 2015, 10:21 am

        Don’t worry, yet! I had it too, and a new doctor when I first moved to SLC. She freaked and out me on bed rest. Then I was in a new city, on bed rest, while my husband worked, and it was resolved completely just a few weeks later. But man, I was a mess those few weeks.

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      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki March 17, 2015, 10:39 am

        Yep, I hope it’ll resolve itself. At this point, they’re saying no bed rest or any change/restrictions so I feel pretty confident that it’ll fix itself. My biggest thing is that I don’t want a C-section. That was my biggest fear with this pregnancy. But, if that’s the way he has to come out for us both to be safe, that’s ok too. Ultimately, that’s priority. I’ll talk to my midwife this week just to make sure we’ve got a plan in place and I’m choosing not to worry until my next U/S at 32 weeks. Ok, technically I have another one in 5 weeks (my “redo” for my 3D ultrasound that he didn’t cooperate for), but that one isn’t “medical” so while she may be able to tell me if it resolved itself, I have to wait for official confirmation.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover March 17, 2015, 10:50 am

        Don’t have an episiotomy if you can help it, either. They hurt like hell and are hard to heal from. I didn’t even realize that some women are out of bed that same day, let alone that same week! Walking hurt like hell, and even just holding the baby was brutal. For 2-3 weeks.
        .
        That being said, mine was medically necessary. You gotta do what you gotta do. But some doctors still offer them routinely, so shut that shit down if it happens.

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      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki March 17, 2015, 10:56 am

        I’m not using a doctor, I’m using midwives. They are very much on board with if its not medically necessary, they won’t do it/offer it. Like, they won’t do elective C-sections and they don’t do inductions until it becomes medically necessary. And my regular gyno is an OB and she is my “backup” (ie: if he stays breech and the previa doesn’t fix itself) and she is on board too, so that’s awesome.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom March 17, 2015, 11:12 am

        My daughter was breach and my doctor was an older, highly experienced obstetrician so he was going to go ahead with a breach delivery. I looked it up online and all of the information said that the outcome for both mother and baby is still better with a vaginal delivery of a breach baby than with a c-section. It still creeped me out so I kept searching and found a midwives site that explained many ways on how to turn a breach. Some of them were beyond what I could do like going to a pool and swimming straight downward. It was winter and no pools available. The point was that the babies pelvis is stuck down in the mother’s pelvis and if you can tip the baby out of the mother’s pelvis it will turn automatically and no longer be breach. So I did a yoga position, with lots of help from my husband, and she turned immediately. I laid down on my back and told my husband to lift my legs until only my head and shoulders were on the floor and my legs were straight up from my shoulders. Those of you who do yoga may have a name for that position. I don’t remember the name. She dropped down toward my diaphragm (I was upside down so my diaphragm was down) and when I got up she was turned head down. I could feel her head in my lower right abdomen. It was that easy. I just needed to turn upside down. I know of four other couples who have tried this and it worked for all of them.

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      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki March 17, 2015, 11:44 am

        My midwife has explained a few ways that a breech can be fixed, so that’s cool. I’m just going to go ahead with the idea that he will move and the previa will fix itself and I will get to have my awesome natural birth with no complications.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom March 17, 2015, 4:46 pm

        You’ve got lots of time and he could always turn on his own. I got down to six weeks and the doctor had tried to turn her twice and then decided she’d be born breach. That’s when I found a way to do it myself.

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      • avatar

        snoopy128 March 17, 2015, 11:59 am

        The pose is called plow!
        That’s so cool that you can turn a breech in some non-medical ways.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom March 17, 2015, 4:45 pm

        Thanks! I knew someone would know the name of the pose. It is a great feeling to know that if you need to you can turn the baby easily and have an easier birth. This pose has saved four women that I know from having a c-section.

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  • Crochet.Ninja

    Crochet.Ninja March 17, 2015, 10:03 am

    you guys, it sucked without DW forums yesterday! horribly stressful weekend, my puppy was sick 🙁 she had a reaction to her dewormer she took on wednesday. we were up all night on thursday night, friday we stayed home to watch her, then saturday into the vet we went. they xrayed her, gave her a shot for nausea, saline under the skin (she was all lumpy lol) it was stressful. she lost 2 pounds between wednesday and saturday! and she’s tiny.

    but all is ok now! i should post pics when we’re back up. we need a puppy thread!

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      booknerd March 17, 2015, 10:24 am

      I’m glad she’s okay! That sounds so stressful.

      Reply Link
      • Crochet.Ninja

        Crochet.Ninja March 17, 2015, 10:35 am

        i’ve never in my life had a pet so sick. i’ve had injured pets, but this sucked way more. not to mention i must have done 2 loads of my own clothes in the wash because well, she was sick, and wanted to snuggle me :/

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki March 17, 2015, 11:43 am

      Oh no! I’m so sorry that she was sick 🙁 But I’m glad she’s better now! I hate having a pet that is sick. Yesterday one of my dogs went all day without eating and I was starting to freak out a little, but she’s fine now, so it must have just been one of those things.

      Reply Link
  • mylaray

    mylaray March 17, 2015, 10:40 am

    I had such a terrible dream last night. In it, I gave birth to this tiny baby (like only 5 inches long) and I tried suffocating it, then hours later went to a hospital to get help. Ah it was so terrible. The baby survived in the dream. But I guess the stress of adoption is finally getting to me. I don’t know, it really freaked me out because I would never even think of doing that. And I’m already so worried about trying to be a good parent.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover March 17, 2015, 10:51 am

      That’s what the dream was though, just your subconscious working out your worries. Don’t take it as some kind of indication that you’re capable of doing that!

      Reply Link
      • mylaray

        mylaray March 17, 2015, 11:07 am

        That is true. I rarely have any recollection of dreaming, but I took melatonin last night, so that must be it.

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      • avatar

        Anonymous March 17, 2015, 11:15 am

        Melatonin gives me the most messed up dreams, although I have been having seriously bad nightmares for the past week. I hate it. In one of them a knife was thrust through my jugular and I could feel it in my dreaming state like this gurgling and woke up and it was so bizarre.

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      • mylaray

        mylaray March 17, 2015, 12:00 pm

        Oh no, that sounds awful.

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    • sobriquet

      sobriquet March 17, 2015, 11:35 am

      When I first found out I was pregnant, I had a series of awful stress dreams about it. I either had a flat stomach at the time of my due date, or gave birth to a creature that was not human, or my husband secretly hated me and didn’t want to raise a child with me, or all the women in my life announced their pregnancies while I was unable to get pregnant. I could go on! The dreams freaked me out. Luckily they didn’t last very long, though.
      .
      Now- about a month later- I have been having insanely vivid and bizarre dreams due to pregnancy hormones. The dreams always end with me (and a group of people) hiding or running away from some kind of trouble (typically police, but last night I was in a war zone! Another night I dreamed that I dined and dashed.). These dreams do not stress me out- I’m always very calm and collected. It’s very different than the stress dreams I’ve had in the past. I always end up drinking a beer or some kind of booze in the dreams, too! I just wonder what’s going on in my psyche.

      Reply Link
      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki March 17, 2015, 11:49 am

        The only odd dream I’ve had is that I forgot the baby at the hospital. I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t happen, but you never know 🙂

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  • avatar

    g March 17, 2015, 11:33 am

    so i’ve been working for a start-up for the last year & they just laid off almost 50% of us (including me)… good stuff. i will say is that in the final interview for this job before i accepted their offer, i got the exact same feeling i used to have with my emotionally abusive ex. i KNEW not to trust either of these guys, but i went ahead & took the risk… good experience, but now i’m only going to accept a relationship (in work or love) where my gut feeling is telling me that the other person is trustworthy. YAY life lessons : )

    Reply Link
    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki March 17, 2015, 11:39 am

      Sorry to hear that, but I’m glad it provided a life lesson 🙂

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      muchachaenlaventana March 17, 2015, 11:41 am

      sorry about that, being laid off blows.

      Reply Link
  • freckles

    freckles March 17, 2015, 11:38 am

    You guys, I got invited to a brunch ‘Honoring SuzyQ and AverageJoe’, friends of mine who are getting married this year. I’ve never been to a brunch like this. Do I bring a gift? At first I didn’t think so, because it’s just a brunch, but then the invite had their registry information on the bottom. An engagement party I bring a gift, a bridal shower I bring a gift, a bachelorette party I bring a gift, a wedding, duh, I bring a gift. But I’ve never heard of a Wedding Brunch before. Do I bring a gift? I’m so confused.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      booknerd March 17, 2015, 12:40 pm

      Oh boy. I have no idea. That seems like a few too many gifts!

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      ktfran March 17, 2015, 12:46 pm

      I actually only bring a gift for shower and wedding only. Bachelorette, I’ll help pay for dinner and drinks, but I don’t bring a gift.
      .
      Therefore, I say no to the brunch, unless this is in place of a shower?

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        TheRascal March 17, 2015, 1:21 pm

        Are they also having an engagement party and a bridal shower? If not, I would bring a small gift, like a bottle of wine. If they are having the other events, I would not bring a gift.

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki March 17, 2015, 1:25 pm

      I don’t understand what this brunch is? Are they doing it in place of a bridal shower? I know some people have things like this when they don’t want just women at a bridal shower. I think if they’re not having a different engagement party and/or bridal shower, I’d maybe bring something small? I don’t know. I suck at etiquette.

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover March 17, 2015, 1:57 pm

      Just decide the appropriate number of gifts that you’re going to give total (usually two, a smaller one for a shower/stag&doe/bachelorette/whatever, and a bigger one for the wedding). Then find out how many parties they’re having. The wedding is one, is this the second? Will there be others? I would only bring gifts to two of the parties, total. If there are no others, then I would bring my “shower” gift to this one.

      Reply Link
      • freckles

        freckles March 17, 2015, 3:05 pm

        Yeah that would be it. This, and the wedding. I think I’ll do that then. A $20-30 small something for this, something larger for the wedding.

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      • avatar

        ktfran March 17, 2015, 4:17 pm

        Oh, then I would bring something small too. Like RedRover mentioned, I’m typically a two gift kind of gal when it comes to these things, but I will also pitch in to help cover the bride’s meal/drinks at the bachelorette. But two physical gifts.

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    • avatar

      Anonymous March 17, 2015, 3:00 pm

      So I’m a b-list invite to the wedding, this friend and I just recently got back in touch. So I’m invited to the bachelorette party, which is just a small brunch with the girls. And then this, plus the wedding. If they had an engagement party it was earlier, and I haven’t heard anything about a shower. So I would only be getting two gifts total? One for this and one for the wedding. But I’m still not sure if I’m supposed to?

      Reply Link
    • freckles

      freckles March 17, 2015, 3:03 pm

      I’m a b-list invite to the wedding, as we just recently got back in touch. So I’m not sure if there was an engagement party already. I haven’t heard anything about a shower, unless this is supposed to be the shower? And it’s a co-ed shower? The invite doesn’t say ‘shower’ anywhere though… And the bachelorette party is just a small dinner with a few girls, so I’m not doing a gift then either. So as far as gifts go it would just be for the wedding, and then maybe this brunch. If that’s what I’m supposed to go? Wedding etiquette is hard! You think you have it all figured out and then they spring something new you’ve never heard of on you 🙂

      Reply Link
      • freckles

        freckles March 17, 2015, 3:04 pm

        Aaaand I replied twice because I thought the first one didn’t go through, since I forgot to fill out the form. Oops.

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  • othy

    othy March 17, 2015, 2:05 pm

    My alma mater made it to the NCAA tournament for the first time in 15 years. Hooray! A #16 seed can totally knock off a #1 seed, right? #anythingcanhappen && #golafayette

    Reply Link
  • the_optimist

    the_optimist March 17, 2015, 3:23 pm

    What are people’s thoughts on dogs as companions for older, lonely people? Full story is that my mom has experienced a serious decline over the past year (she’s been retired for 3.5 years now). Over the past year specifically, we’ve noticed her going into rages over incidents she claims happened FORTY years ago between her and my dad (there is no evidence to these incidents, and all of the “witnesses” she keeps calling are shocked and freaked out by her accusations). I’m very worried– we all are. However, she refuses to seek treatment and her doctor is being completely useless (we called to express concern and he said he couldn’t do anything about it unless we said something during a visit in her presence, but she refuses to let us accompany her to the doctor). She’s alienated much of our extended family with her behavior, and my dad is terrified of upsetting her in any way. A lot of it, we think, comes from her being lonely– I moved out years ago, my dad works full-time, my younger sister has just finished school and will be working full-time, and my older sister is mentally ill, which provides a whole other host of stresses. The idea came up of bringing a family dog into the picture, but my dad made the mistake of telling her the dog was for her, which caused her to freak out and accuse us all of trying to pawn her off on a dog so we wouldn’t have to deal with her. Truthfully, we think it would be a good way of getting her out of the house more often, and she really does love animals, but I wonder if this is a stupid idea or not. I don’t know what else we can do really.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      booknerd March 17, 2015, 3:41 pm

      Can your dad see the doctor or a new doctor about this? My MIL retired a little over a year ago and since then a ton of issues… (Mainly memory loss) have come out. But my FIL was able to go talk to her doctor about it. The dog might be good, but what if it causes other problems?

      Reply Link
      • the_optimist

        the_optimist March 17, 2015, 3:47 pm

        @booknerd, I am worried about that. I also want the dog to have a loving home! I believe it will, but there’s always the chance. We’re trying to encourage my dad to do some family therapy with us (without my mom, because she refuses to go), but we can’t get her to even consider going to a new doctor. She’s also super religious, btw, and keeps clinging to the idea that God is on her side, so that’s all she needs. I’m going to see if my dad is able to speak to her doctor one-on-one, since it was just my sister and I trying to contact her doc last time. That’s a great suggestion– thank you!

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      • avatar

        booknerd March 17, 2015, 5:09 pm

        I’m truly sorry to hear you are going through this. It’s really hard. Hugs!

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    • avatar

      SLS March 17, 2015, 4:24 pm

      As an alternative to getting your mom a companion dog, are there any animal shelters in your area? My thought is that maybe y’all could encourage her to volunteer at the animal shelter! I walk dogs at an animal shelter, and while I want to take them ALL home with me, I do find it to be a real treat. There is also the most darling grandson and grandmother duo that come on Sunday mornings, as well, to walk dogs together – it is absolutely darling. My point being that since the nuclear family all seems busy working, maybe this could be a fun activity for everyone to start doing together? I would say maybe rotate weeks if that is too consuming or impossible to line up schedules, but I think that might irritate your mother. It might be that once she starts going with someone and gets comfortable, maybe she will go on her own during the week while everyone is working.

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    • avatar

      Sunshine Brite March 18, 2015, 7:40 am

      I think a companion dog would be good if she’s still willing to go out. If not, a cat may be more appropriate and would be less work for your dad if she refuses to care for it herself.

      Thoes are very concerning changes. I’m mad on your behalf that her doctor isn’t jumping on this.

      Does her doctor have a nurse, social worker, or clinical coordinator that helps him field calls/inquiries? That person should have a release of information ready for her next visit so that they can open the conversation with her about sharing information with family members to make care easier for her and go over the benefits of open communication.

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      • the_optimist

        the_optimist March 18, 2015, 8:53 am

        @Sunshine Brite, we’re all allergic to cats :(. I did not think about the possibility of a social worker or clinical coordinator involved, but that is an excellent idea and one I will follow up on today. Thank you all so much for your input– it’s been really helpful.

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    • avatar

      Sandy March 18, 2015, 1:39 pm

      Our local humane society let’s approved people foster pets too. So you can take them home for the weekend/temporarily. You could find out if that is an option in your area (that way if your mom really does not want a dog you don’t have to go through the whole process of adopting one and sadly having to return it :/).

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  • freckles

    freckles March 17, 2015, 3:23 pm

    Speaking of weddings, I’m going to a bridal shower and bachelorette in a warm climate soon. I want to get dresses to wear, but I have the most plain taste ever. I’m trying to make my wardrobe more fun and stylish. Does anyone have any recommendations for a dress for each? I’m short, so anything in petite is a bonus! I was thinking something knee length, flowy, and colorful for the shower. And no idea about the bachelorette… I’m so hopeless haha.

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    • the_optimist

      the_optimist March 17, 2015, 3:30 pm

      Have you tried Rent the Runway at all? I was able to find a gorgeous, flowy gown (and I’m 5’0!) for a decent price.

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      • freckles

        freckles March 17, 2015, 4:31 pm

        No I haven’t! Although I have friends who’ve tried it and liked it! That’s definitely a good option, thanks! Although I wouldn’t be opposed to buying something too, so I have a fun dress I can wear throughout the summer 🙂 Mr Freckles loves me in dresses, and I really don’t own many. I always think they make me look stumpy 🙁 I think I just haven’t found the right one…

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      • avatar

        Kate March 17, 2015, 5:24 pm

        ASOS has good petites. Forever 21 dresses are all so short you can wear them if you’re petite. A dress should not be making you look stumpy. It should probably hit right at the knee or just above, and consider wearing heels or wedges. What’s your shape? I have a longer torso so I look better in a higher waisted dress with a real defined waist… Fitted up top and more flared at the bottom. But what’s your particular shape?

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      • freckles

        freckles March 17, 2015, 10:23 pm

        I have a large bust, medium waist, and hips. I’m short. And I have wide calves, which I think contributes to me thinking I don’t look good in dresses. I also hate heels. My feet start to hurt and then I’m just grumpy. I wish I liked heels more 🙁

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      • avatar

        Sandy March 18, 2015, 7:31 am

        I’m 5’2″, triple D with big hips and thighs and I found some lovely fun and flirty dresses at Charlotte Russe for $30. I like the ones that are fitted on top and are loose on the bottom and hit a few inches above my knee. I live in the tropics.

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      • Nookie

        Nookie March 18, 2015, 7:40 am

        Ha, you’re kind of the same as me – especially the damned shoes. Wrap dresses that aren’t too clingy can be good?

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  • Dear Wendy

    Dear Wendy March 17, 2015, 3:53 pm

    Ugh, you guys. These tech issues are proving to be much more complicated than I bargained for. My developer has been trouble-shooting throughout the day to no avail and still hasn’t quite figured out what the problem is or how to fix it. I’m getting concerned that to save the forums may be a very time-consuming and expensive (!) endeavor. Keep your fingers cross and send some good thoughts out that that isn’t the case, please!

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray March 17, 2015, 5:43 pm

      If you can’t save the forums, do you mean the feature of forums or just old forums (but we can create new ones)? Did we crash the forums with all our foruming?

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy March 17, 2015, 5:51 pm

        I mean the entire feature of forums. I don’t know what happened, but the feature is suddenly incompatible with my website. My developer can’t figure out why. I’m concerned that the solution may involve re-building the site to accommodate the forums, which could theoretically cost upwards of 2 to 3 thousand dollars (this is how much it has cost in the past to build the site; it might be more now, it might be less, I really don’t; and maybe that won’t even be necessary, I don’t know). Anyway, it’s hard to know what my options are without my developer knowing what’s wrong or how to fix it. I’m just thinking of potential scenarios and if it comes down to spending several thousand dollars to keep the forum feature going, I won’t be able to do that, unfortunately.

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      • Cassie

        Cassie March 17, 2015, 11:12 pm

        Perhaps it’s time for another DW drive, if it turns out that you would need to do something like that.

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      • Cassie

        Cassie March 17, 2015, 11:14 pm

        And, I promise to stop bogging down the forums with my lengthy responses.

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      • Cassie

        Cassie March 17, 2015, 11:14 pm

        Okay, I can’t actually promise that.

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      • avatar

        Sunshine Brite March 18, 2015, 7:42 am

        Damn, that’s too bad. I second another donation drive but outside of that, I could see a bunch of your turns in the future.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray March 18, 2015, 7:52 am

        Or maybe each day could have an open thread (in addition to the letters), where people can chit-chat about whatever is going on (you know, if they don’t want to go off on tangents in letters)?

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy March 18, 2015, 7:55 am

        Yeah, I’m hesitant to do another drive right now. I’m so grateful for all the support I’ve received and I plan to do another drive maybe later this year, but my goal was to do only one this year and eventually get to a place that I/the site could be totally self-sufficient. The forums have been an expensive endeavor and have caused me a lot of stress in the past (just in a tech-sense). I’ll have to wait and see what the verdict is. At this point, I have an amount I’d be willing to spend, but above that amount I think I would have to let the forums go, at least for now. I know they’re a huge part of the community and I hate to lose them, but I also can’t continue losing money by having them either. I would hope loyal readers would stick around even without them, but losing readers is a risk I am weighing and considering. Ugh, this is stressful and I’m just keeping mu fingers crossed for a surprise easy/cost-effective solution.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh March 18, 2015, 8:29 am

        I think people will survive without the forums if they have to. You might even be able to incorporate an afternoon open style post with an advice post in the morning? Hopefully you don’t have to go down that road and this is easily fixed!

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy March 18, 2015, 8:39 am

        Thanks, that’s what I was thinking — afternoon open threads or something like that.

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      • something random

        something random March 18, 2015, 10:16 pm

        Hey Wendy, How much would you potentially charge users if the forums became a paid option. Would you do monthly fees (maybe $12:55 to ask or answer a question on any thread) Or pay to play to get involved in threads.

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  • Cleopatra_30

    Cleopatra_30 March 18, 2015, 8:23 am

    So found this via FB today. I know we haven’t really had any letters or discussions lately regarding why someone isn’t child rearing. But it has come up in the past and I think this is a great compilation of women (although all celebs) and their reasons to not have children. Very cool and intelligent insights 🙂
    https://mic.com/articles/112910/12-women-who-had-the-best-response-to-society-s-biggest-expectation

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh March 18, 2015, 8:32 am

      I liked the last quote (I didn’t read the rest) the best. I’m going to start using that one.

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    • Portia

      Portia March 18, 2015, 9:04 am

      Hehe, I really like Margaret Cho, and now I have another reason to like her.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray March 18, 2015, 9:28 am

      This is great! I like Jennifer Aniston’s quote. And haha Cho.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom March 18, 2015, 9:41 am

      When it comes to having children people seem to feel free to push their opinions and to ask their questions as if you are public property. So if you’ve had one child they start asking when you’ll have another, tell you that your child will turn out terrible if they are an only child, ask if you’ll have a child of the opposite gender of the one you have, as if you get to pick the gender of your second child. My kids are nine years apart in age so people ask if they both have the same father and people ask if my daughter was an accident, mistake or oops.

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      • avatar

        MsMisery March 18, 2015, 12:06 pm

        That’s so rude. I especially relate to the only child crap, since I am one. When people around work make comments about “when are you going to have another, so that first one isn’t an only?” I’m like “HEYO, RIGHT HERE, ONLY CHILD. RIGHT. HERE. And not a serial killer, arsonist, or bed-wetter, FYI. So, stick it, mkay??”

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom March 18, 2015, 1:11 pm

        My son was an only child for nine years and he was turning out fine. I had no concerns. Someone was making derogatory remarks to my son recently about only children and he told them that he had been an only child for nine years. That shut them up.

        A friend at work is an only child and when people would find out that she didn’t intend to have more than one child they would always make remarks about how you know only children always turn out horrible. She would tell them she was an only child and she thought she turned out fine and her mom was an only child and she turned out fine and her daughter was an only child and she would going to be fine.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover March 18, 2015, 7:13 pm

        I hope her dad isn’t an only child though. I know someone who’s an only child of two only children, and it’s kind of messed up. Both his grandparents died when he was young, so it was just him and his parents his whole life. No aunts and uncles, no cousins. No extended family whatsoever. After his parents died he got married (he was in his mid-40s). I think he realized he’d be completely alone on all the holidays and everything for the rest of his life if he didn’t.
        .
        This is why China allows couples where both are only children to have more than one kid. So at least they have a sibling, since they have no other family once the grandparents and parents are gone.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray March 18, 2015, 4:10 pm

        But surely you’re spoiled and a bad loser, right? (Just trying to recall what the stereotypes are for “Only’s”.) 😉

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  • avatar

    mertlej March 18, 2015, 9:28 am

    So…. anyone know how common a false positive pregnancy test is? I took one last night, and it had the second line (that was kind of faint, but definitely there), and I don’t want to get my hopes up if it was a fluke or false positive or something…

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray March 18, 2015, 10:11 am

      You pregnant, girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I took 4 tests just to make sure.)

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray March 18, 2015, 10:22 am

        (Also, congrats!)

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover March 18, 2015, 10:12 am

      My pregnancy test came back like that, and I immediately called my best friend. Her response? “There’s no such thing as a little bit pregnant”. The test needs something to read in order to give a positive. Obviously the test itself could be broken, so you should do another two or three. But if they all show the second line, then the test is reading the pregnancy hormone in your body. Maybe there’s something else causing it, like if you’re on a drug that causes it. But if not, then it’s probably real. False positives are not common if the test is working, you used it properly, and you’re not taking a drug that contains hCG.
      .
      By the way my first test was so faint that you could only see the second line by tilting the test and seeing that there was a slight line. Still pregnant. I had so little hCG in my body, even by week 6, that my doctor even wanted to do multiple tests to confirm. But basically if it’s positive, you definitely have hCG in your urine. Slightly possible it’s caused by something other than pregnancy, but not likely. Anyway, you can go to the doctor now for a test if you want to be absolutely sure.

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    • avatar

      booknerd March 18, 2015, 10:28 am

      Yep! Mine was faint at first. Congratulations!

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      • avatar

        mertlej March 18, 2015, 10:44 am

        holy crap you guys. guess i’m going to go buy a million more tests and pee my money away…. i did NOT think it was going to happen this month!

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      • avatar

        booknerd March 18, 2015, 12:48 pm

        Lol! I bought tests in bulk on Amazon when we were trying. Like 25 at a time. I actually have used them all! Ahhhh! So exciting.

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  • Stonegypsy

    Stonegypsy March 18, 2015, 10:57 am

    I really wish the forums would come back. So much easier to navigate. I’ve gotten to the point of doing actual work when I’m at work, you guys! It’s bad

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray March 18, 2015, 4:54 pm

    I hate to ask this because you have forum tech issues that you’re dealing with and because I am patient and whatnot and not at all frazzled by change, no sireebob, but – a friend wanted me to ask you if and when the thumbs are coming back?

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy March 18, 2015, 4:57 pm

      Ha, I hope by tomorrow. Fingers — er, thumbs — crossed.

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite March 19, 2015, 7:57 am

    Apparently hardwood floors are slippery guys, I got up yesterday to grab a different file and I didn’t trip over my blanket or any of the boxes or anything but my foot just went out from under me. It hurts and I cancelled my appts today because I didn’t want to trek around stairs and parking who knows how far away carrying all my work junk. Forgot my husband had crutches I can use, but still I go into some sketchy neighborhoods so I like the option of leaving quickly if needed. Klutzy me.

    Speaking of being bad about change, haha I got freaked out when I realized the standard avatar changed this morning. It doesn’t look like just me though so hopefully my work computer doesn’t self destruct.

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    • Portia

      Portia March 19, 2015, 8:37 am

      Oh no! I hope you get better soon, that’s got to be frustrating. But probably sounds like the right move to not go to sketchy neighborhoods without full mobility. Hardwood floors are the reason for the scar on my forehead, they can be dangerous!

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      • avatar

        Sunshine Brite March 19, 2015, 8:50 am

        Oh my gosh, I didn’t realize they could cause head injuries. It’s all the floor’s fault. Reminds me of one of my favorite books as a kid. A Sweet Pickles book where Alligator went around telling everyone it’s all your fault!

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  • Portia

    Portia March 19, 2015, 8:48 am

    I’m getting a haircut, you guys! It’s been just about 2 years since my last one and my hair has GROWN! It’s a new haircutting person (part of the reason for the delay) so I’m excited/scared. She came on a recommendation, so I hope she does a good job… I’m bringing in plenty of pictures, just in case.

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    • avatar

      Sunshine Brite March 19, 2015, 8:52 am

      Exciting! I need to get my friend to do another haircutting party now that it’s getting warm enough to do outside (ish/realtively/might want to wait another month or two) She’s like $80 plus tip in the salon and will do it for donations for friends about 2x a year. I do like going to the salon though. I’m getting close to a year as well since my last haircut. My ends are horrid.

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      • Portia

        Portia March 19, 2015, 9:55 am

        That’s so nice your hair cutting friend does donation-price haircuts for friends. But yeah, I love the salon because of the hair washing part. I can’t deal with like any other type of massage, but a scalp massage is heaven.

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      • Portia

        Portia March 22, 2015, 10:56 pm

        Update: ended up cutting off over 8 inches to donate, then cut it to about collarbone length. I really love how it came out and running without a huge ponytail is so much easier. Also, somehow, I got a lot of my waves back over the last few months, so I’m getting some real curls with my shorter hair! I’d like to think that my stress levels going waaaaay down after finishing my dissertation were what made my hair bounce back, but I’m not arguing either way, I’m just going to enjoy it.

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