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This One’s For the Guys: “Why Doesn’t He Want to See Me on the Weekends?”

New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. If you don’t find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), or submit a question for advice.

I’m posting this letter as a “Your Turn,” without commentary from me, but LW asked specifically for guys’ perspective on this question, so while you women are welcome to chime in, I’d love to hear a chorus of men’s voices tell her what’s what.

I’m a Japanese girl who recently dated a 27-year-old doctor I met online. On the first date, a Sunday night, we slept together. I know — bad bad mistake. But I had been single for a while and it felt right. Anyway, he asked me to meet him again on the following Tuesday for movie and take-out food at his place.
We slept together again. I went on a short trip that week, during which time he texted me daily. I came back from my trip and the third date was on Thursday, which happened to be Valentine’s Day, and he made dinner for me.

I was starting to get attached to him. But the next day was Friday and he didnt text me until I asked him what he was up to. He said he was going grab dinner with friends and go somewhere after. I was also going out with my friends that night so I suggested maybe we could meet up with our friends together after his dinner. But his reply sounded like he was not keen to see me while he was out withfriends.

Saturday and Sunday, no text. Then only on Monday he texts me things like: “How is your day?” We arranged to meet on a Thursday night. Then came Friday and the weekend, and again, no texts. I only hear from him on weekdays.

So the last time he tried to arrange a meet up on a Tuesday, I didn’t reply him. I started to feel like I was being used as his convenient ‘Weekday Girl’ when he doesn’t have anything better to do. On the following Wednesday night he texted, “How’s it going?” and I replied him bluntly that I was with my friends. That was two weeks ago now and he hasn’t texted since.

I just feel so angry when I think about the possibility that he only wants sex from me on his mundane weekday nights. I wish to have a guy’s take on this. What do you guys think of this kind of behavior?— Not a Weekday Girl

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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Comments on this entry are closed.

avatar kerrycontrary April 3, 2013, 9:10 am

It makes me think of Patti Stanger’s advice (Millionaire Matchmaker). If he’s not giving you his Saturday night’s for dates, he’s not interested. Overall though it seems like he’s not interested. MOA.

katie katie April 3, 2013, 9:13 am

i really dont think thats a good rule to apply across the board… not everyone has m-f 9-5 jobs. probably the majority of millionaires do, but not us “regular” folk.

avatar muffy April 3, 2013, 9:19 am

he has time to hang out with all his friends on the weekend though…

katie katie April 3, 2013, 9:42 am

one random friday night? thats not all weekend…

avatar Suzy April 3, 2013, 10:15 am

There’s something fishy going on. The weekends are a black hole with NO contact. He either has a gf he sees then, or is holding the weekends free for someone he may like better. Good for MOA’ing, LW.

avatar bethany April 3, 2013, 11:23 am

I strongly disagree that something fishy is going on. As far as we know they’re just dating. He can date whoever he wants whenever he wants. If the LW wants more than that she needs to talk to him about it and not be all passive-aggressive.

avatar bcamber April 3, 2013, 11:47 am

How is this fishy? they had only been dating for two weeks! Why would anyone expect that he would immediately free up his weekends for someone he had just met?

avatar BreezyAM April 3, 2013, 1:32 pm

Yeah. In my experience many guys will fuck you during the week at first, and NOT do weekends on purpose, to make sure you understand this isn’t some big serious thing yet.

OTOH he may be doing what one of my dad’s ex girlfriends was doing when pulling the same stunt. Basically he was good enough to fuck during the week but she wanted to keep her weekend options open in case she met someone while out and about she’d like to fuck more. Which, actually, now that I think of it that way, is basically the same reason.

Or he could have a wife. A lot of doctors can very, very easily cheat because they’re always on call and can’t answer a cell phone at work, etc. It’s super easy to set up a GF schedule with a mistress when you’re a doctor. I am NOT saying all doctors cheat. I’m saying their profession by definition makes it much easier for them to get away than other professions.

avatar muffy April 3, 2013, 10:32 am

she should definitely keep trying to date him them

avatar LuckySeven April 3, 2013, 10:46 am

Yes i love this advice! But i also would have asked him out on a saturday.

theattack theattack April 3, 2013, 9:11 am

Not a guy, but it sounds like you’re spot on. He wants you during the weekday when there’s nothing (or no one) else better to do. Sorry to tell you that. But since you give no indication that you’ve actually communicated with him about this, I would say that that’s where you should start if you’re still keeping your hopes up.

katie katie April 3, 2013, 9:11 am

well, im not a guy, but…

first off, i wonder why you let us know you are japanese. that just seemed a little odd.

and then secondly, why was having sex when you wanted to have sex a “bad bad move”? thats a perfectly acceptable move. what i dont think was a particularly “good” move was assuming that a few dates and hookups meant he was serious about you. maybe it was because you had sex with him, maybe its just because you two had a good time together, i dunno… but, it just seems like he is busy and/or not very into you. and thats ok. that happens! you are just dating. you two are testing out each others waters and maybe he wasnt so into it… or, at least not as into it it as you thought he was.

lastly, i dont know why you think he just wants weekday sex. hes a doctor. do you know what kind of crazy hours a doctor works? im sure he works most, if not all, weekends- thats how it goes most of the time. dating a doctor sucks, seriously. so maybe if you are looking for a particular kind of relationship that would give you your correct amount of date time or together time or whatever, date a man who is going to actually be available to give you that amount of time you need. because even if this guy is head over heels for you, i dont think he could give you the physical time commitment you seem to want.

avatar oldie April 3, 2013, 9:17 am

That was one of the odd things. As a doctor, he could claim crazy schedule, but he didn’t, he specifically said he was going out with friends and didn’t want to combine the groups. Unless a lot was left out, he doesn’t give a reason for his silent and unavailable periods. He may be a more settled doctor without the crazy schedule who is dating a resident, intern, or nurse who has the crazy schedule. Or, he or his gf travel out of town for work and can only be together on weekends. That was my first thought. I worked with a project engineer who traveled a lot and usually had a gf in his ‘away’ workplace, while getting to fly home to wife and kiddies every or every other weekend.

avatar Desiree April 3, 2013, 9:46 am

At 27, it is almost impossible that he is a settled doctor (almost impossible, not entirely). That age puts him in *his* residency training, so his hours probably are crazy.

bagge72 bagge72 April 3, 2013, 9:55 am

My friend was around for his residency, and his fellowship, so I think it really does depend on the field.

avatar Desiree April 3, 2013, 10:14 am

There are variations. But even in the more reasonably-houred fields, there are weeks/months that are more intensive. It’s very variable.

avatar Lindsay April 3, 2013, 1:20 pm

Or even if they don’t work excessively, they probably have to work outside of the 9-5 M-F range.

bagge72 bagge72 April 3, 2013, 2:52 pm

Yeah that is true. My friend that doesn’t work weekends at all, does mostly lab work, so he has pretty crappy hours during the week, but his weekends are free unless he is on-call.

Jessibel5 Jessibel5 April 3, 2013, 12:38 pm

I agree with this. At 27 he is a “young” doctor and is probably in the middle of either his residency or internship, so he probably doesn’t have the greatest schedule. For what it’s worth, if I started dating someone two weeks earlier, and had plans with my friends for the first time in a while, I probably wouldn’t want to add the pressure of melding groups together like that either. For all you know, he had this ONE Friday off for the first time in a long time. He may have just wanted to relax without having to play host, or maybe the plans were something that a new quasi girlfriend wouldn’t have been appropriate at, like a birthday party. My personal opinion is that you wrote him off too quickly. Could he be a louse who just wants ass? Sure. But ask him out for a Saturday night. Ask him why if he says no. Ask him what his schedule is like instead of just assuming. Expect not to get everything you wanted, because you so rarely do get everything you want in relationships.

I have a friend who is a career bartender. He’s been a bartender for 20+ years. He married a woman who knew he was a bartender, they dated while he was a bartender. She knew that Friday and Saturday nights are the big money nights for a bartender, therefore they work those days. They were married for 10 years, and she started sending him passive aggressive messages like “I thought that once I got married, I wouldn’t have to spend Friday or Saturday nights alone…guess I was wrong” or “Alone again on a Friday, I thought if you were married this didn’t happen” She ended up cheating on him with a guy she met while out on a Friday or Saturday, and they got a divorce. The point to this story is that he’s a doctor, and if you want a relationship with him, you need to go into it understanding that the schedule might not be the best, and you may be alone some nights you don’t expect to be, and you adapt, and you own that decision that you made. It’s when you make the decision and don’t own it that you get hurt.

Jessibel5 Jessibel5 April 3, 2013, 12:39 pm

To clarify, that was all addressed to the LW.

Skyblossom Skyblossom April 3, 2013, 4:05 pm

I agree so much. You accept a person as they are when you marry them and if you can’t accept them you should move on instead of trying to make it work.

bagge72 bagge72 April 3, 2013, 9:43 am

Yeah not all doctors work crazy long weekends. I have friends that don’t work weekends unless they are on call, so they are always around, it all depends on what field you are in.

avatar Miss Terri April 3, 2013, 10:08 am

All good points. During my residency, the hours were hectic and sometimes unpredictable, but we still found time to do things we wanted to do. And we were RARELY on call every weekend. So yes – he very well not be interested…. A good way to find out – pull back and let HIM show his interest. If he is interested, he will make her a priority…. Trust me!

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson April 3, 2013, 10:24 am

I think she already did pull back though and he hasn’t contacted her. This fling has been unflung.

Copa Copa April 3, 2013, 10:29 am

Even if time commitment and scheduling issues for residents vary by specialty… they’ve only been on a few dates!!! Who gets bent out of shape when someone they’ve been out with only 3 times prefers to spend an evening alone with his friends than to invite his not-girlfriend and her friends out with them? While I do think he could certainly do a much better job of showing that he’s interested (if he is, in fact, interested) — cause I mean, yeah, texting someone is pretty easy — 3-4 dates isn’t much. They’re still just getting to know one another; they’re not in a relationship. Besides, if she really wanted a weekend date, why couldn’t she just say to him early in the week, “Hey, Doctor! Want to go out on Saturday?” And if he gives her a crappy answer, take it from there. Instead, she jumps to conclusions and decides that sending curt text messages is the way to “show him”. If I’d been out with someone only a few times, and he felt like he needed something more from me but never communicated that, then stooped to blunt texts, I probably wouldn’t want to get to know him anymore. His interest does seem to taper based on this (again, very short) timeline, but how much of it was because he just wasn’t interested, and how much because LW seems to want too much too soon and has a ton of unexpressed expectations? I’d guess it has more to do with the latter.

avatar oldie April 3, 2013, 9:13 am

He has another girlfriend who, for some reason, he can only see on weekends. You were the fill-in girl for the lonely weekday nights. Don’t miss him too much. To him you were just a booty call.

Kate Kate April 3, 2013, 9:53 am

It could be that (although if he had a girlfriend I’d think they would have been together on Valentine’s Day)… I think it’s more likely he likes to keep the weekends open to go out and meet girls to date. Or, he reserves the weekend nights for dates with girls he’s more into. Either of these would explain why he didn’t want to meet the LW on the weekend night after hanging out with his friends.

So this would suggest that he has no intention (yet) of getting serious with the LW, but (was) interested *enough* to casually date her. It sounds like he assumed she was no longer interested when she ignored one text and then replied shortly to the next text, and he moved on. Sounds like he was mildly but not terribly interested, and gave up when she stopped making it easy to set up weekday dates. Likely would have fizzled out even if she did keep going out during the week.

My advice to the LW would be to go more with the flow in the future and not get too invested in a guy too soon. You can’t get that attached after 3 dates and expect him to behave like your boyfriend, keeping weekends open for you. If he has a lot going for him, then he probably has options, and it doesn’t make sense to expect him to drop everything and make you his first priority after a handful of dates. Give him a chance, see how he incorporates you into his life, or doesn’t, and make a decision whether you want to keep seeing him or not based on that.

Fabelle Fabelle April 3, 2013, 9:15 am

Are there even any guys left on this site? I can think of maybe, like, three or four at this point?

But anyway, first: What Katie said—it’s not always a “bad, bad move” to have sex on the first date. You said it felt right, so leave it at that. As for the rest…hmm. Do you know ANYTHING about his schedule where it’d make sense he’s not free on weekends? I mean, he’s a doctor, so maybe he has crazy hours?

If not, though…then, I’m sorry, I think you’ve assessed the situation pretty accurately. You’re the weekday girl, for whatever reason. I’d MOA (especially after not having heard from him in over 2 weeks)

avatar oldie April 3, 2013, 9:18 am

I’m a guy.

Fabelle Fabelle April 3, 2013, 9:19 am

I thought of you! (although I admit I only realized you were a guy maybe like a month ago? ha)

avatar lets_be_honest April 3, 2013, 10:32 am

Really?!?

theattack theattack April 3, 2013, 9:24 am

Where are budj and bagge and brad and fasteddie? I vote that all DW guys are now required to return and start regularly commenting again.

avatar bethany April 3, 2013, 9:38 am

I think we’ve chased them all away! :(
BTW- Today is Bagge’s Birthday, I think!

theattack theattack April 3, 2013, 9:41 am

Happy birthday, Bagge! Wherever you are…

bagge72 bagge72 April 3, 2013, 9:44 am

Haha thank you! I still post! It is just that I have a new Job now, so there are days I don’t get on, and then there are days I have tons of time, when before I just had tons of time to post everyday!

avatar Taylor April 3, 2013, 9:53 am

Happy birthday!

othy othy April 3, 2013, 10:54 am

Happy birthday!

bagge72 bagge72 April 3, 2013, 11:43 am

Thanks everyone, I feel very old today!

theattack theattack April 3, 2013, 9:40 am

Diablo and GuyFriday are walking on thin ice too. Priorities, dudes!

avatar Guy Friday April 3, 2013, 10:00 am

Hey now. I responded to a few things yesterday! I try not to comment when I feel like my responses are just echoing what everyone else says.

Diablo Diablo April 3, 2013, 11:05 am

What he said!

avatar GatorGirl April 3, 2013, 9:50 am

And GuyFriday and Diablo (I think, I’ve always thought anyways.)

Diablo Diablo April 3, 2013, 10:02 am

Sometimes I don’t comment because I have nothing to add, sometimes there is not much to say to an obvious situation. Like this one. LW, it was a hookup. your intuition is correct. I’m not sure we should label the guy a douche, because he never made any promises, but he’s not into you, or he’d be calling you. I’m not judging you for sleeping with him on the first date, but then he has been led to believe that that is what’s happening here. You shouldn’t get “attached” to someone you really hardly know yet.

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson April 3, 2013, 10:26 am

See you did have something to add. Don’t get attached when you think you know someone. And having sex does not mean you know them yet.

avatar muffy April 3, 2013, 9:18 am

Have to be honest – I don’t like Your Turn. That’s why there are forums…

That being said – the beginning of a relationship should be a happy, easy, getting to know each other time. At least you’ve only invested 3 dates. This guy isn’t right for you if you’re already questioning things. Hold out for a guy who you know likes you.

avatar Sunshine Brite April 3, 2013, 11:29 am

I like the Your Turns. It allows Wendy to post more often and keeps traffic up regularly.

avatar redessa April 3, 2013, 11:57 am

I don’t care for “your turn” either. Everyone who wants to still comments when Wendy posts her reply so it’s not like this is something we don’t normally get to do. We’re just doing it without the benefit of Wendy’s point of view and I like reading what Wendy has to say. :)

Stonegypsy the_other_Wendy April 3, 2013, 12:33 pm

I’m not a huge fan of “Your Turn” either, but Wendy is a busy lady already, so this does allow us to see more letters without her getting overwhelmed trying to give awesome, wise advice every single day (probably takes awhile to write those fantastic answers she always gives!)

avatar redessa April 3, 2013, 1:31 pm

True. I totally understand why she puts one of these in every week. Kind of like a peek in her mailbag. It’s not a big deal (to me anyway) just not my favorite segment. Like I said, I enjoy reading Wendy’s responses, but I also very much understand that she has other things going on in her life and can’t answer everything.

theattack theattack April 3, 2013, 1:47 pm

Yeah, I always prefer having Wendy’s advice, but Your Turn is important to the site for functional reasons, and I love anything that helps DearWendy thrive! There are some YourTurn letters where I can’t fathom how Wendy could write a thorough and/or appropriate response. Not that Wendy’s advice isn’t good, but that sometimes the letters are so specific or so off the wall that it really takes a whole group of people to throw out enough theories in order to find something that clicks, and Wendy just doesn’t have the time to go through all of the possible scenarios in a response. And sometimes I think Wendy leaves it to us to say things that maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable (or professional) saying to an LW. Maybe I’m wrong though. These are just theories.

avatar BreezyAM April 3, 2013, 1:37 pm

I always figured YT was Wendy’s way of letting us point out the obvious so she wouldn’t have to be mean.

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson April 3, 2013, 2:02 pm

Yeah I thought she always picked the letters that had pretty obvious answers or NO right answer for the your turns which is really cool because in those cases I think it’s nice for commenters to have unbiased answers. I think it would even be cool if she would take one of the letters that she does answer every week (not answer more and add more work) and let us all comment on it and then the next day she would post her answer – almost like a quiz that we can see if we got it right, haha.

avatar Lindsay April 3, 2013, 1:54 pm

I like them. And I definitely prefer them to the forums just because it’s so much easier to read all the comments and reply to them.

Dear Wendy Wendy April 3, 2013, 1:55 pm

I hear what you’re saying and I appreciate your point of view. I’m also flattered that so many of you would rather read a letter with my response than without my response. It’s a validating to know that my viewpoint is an important part of this site to you.

Thank you for understanding that right now, I just don’t have the time or energy to answer a letter every single day on top of everything else I do (which includes answering 4-6 letters a week already). I squeeze in as much work as I can in the 12 hours a week that Jackson is with his babysitter and during his daily nap, plus I do a little work on the weekends. Believe me when I say I am already doing the max I possibly can without burning out (not to mention sacrificing quality).

So, I hear you when you say you don’t like “Your Turns” or you wish there was more or this or less of that. I hear you. But for my own sanity, I can’t dwell too much on the limitations I’m working with.

Dear Wendy Wendy April 3, 2013, 1:58 pm

Also, theattack is right that sometimes — often, actually — the letters I post as Your Turns are letters I wouldn’t feel comfortable answering. For example, I don’t really do sex advice. I’m not interested in it and it’s not my thing, but that doesn’t stop people from asking me for sex advice all the time. So, rather than just ignore those letters, I post them as a Your Turn and let you guys go crazy.

theattack theattack April 3, 2013, 2:01 pm

Omg, Wendy just said I was right! Best day ever!

Diablo Diablo April 3, 2013, 3:16 pm

Wendy, I’ll be your guest columnist for all sex advice letters provided it can be bad advice. One of the issues with good sex advice is that is tends to have to be personal and confirmed by the advisor’s experience. Even Dan Savage reaches out to external experts when he doesn’t have personal experience in certain issues, like the straight world. But bad sex advice can come from anyone. Especially me.

I once offered to write a “food and sex” advice blog for my friends called “Put It There, Pal.” I could have offered some colossally bad advice there, but the uptake wasn’t what I had hoped. Even the initial discussions (yes, they were fueled by alcohol) uncovered some very big disagreements about what food flavours go with sex flavours. And so my teachings continue to go unheard.

avatar Sasa April 3, 2013, 9:18 am

Not a guy either. But:
– This has nothing to do with you sleeping with him on the first date. Do you really think you could have convinced him to want a serious relationship with you by waiting longer? That’s foolish.
– Have you ever actually asked him out for a date on the weekend (“meeting up with all of our friends later” doesn’t count)?
– I don’t really get why it makes you angry to think that he just wants sex with you. It’s not a judgement of your worthiness. It’s just what he wants (probably) and you get to say yes or no.

avatar Sasa April 3, 2013, 9:25 am

Also, I think the “automatic MOA due to excessive reference to texting” rule applies here.

avatar SpaceySteph April 3, 2013, 1:39 pm

I definitely agree with your first point. I think it’s a myth.

If you are compatible and both interested, he’ll keep dating you whether or not you sleep with him.
If one of you is not interested, then the sex won’t change that.

Funny story- I slept with, but did not have sex with, my husband on our first date.

CatsMeow CatsMeow April 3, 2013, 1:46 pm

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If sleeping with a guy “too soon” changes his opinion of me, then he’s not someone I want to be with anyway.

Copa Copa April 3, 2013, 9:25 am

Hm, so, am I the only one who thinks 4 dates in is too soon to tell if you’re *just* a “weekday girl”? A handful of my friends are doctors (still residents, but they’re working doctors nonetheless — this guy is 27, so only a couple years older, so I’m assuming he’s similarly a very new doctor) and they work long hours and keep ridiculous schedules. One of my best friends is an ER resident and we don’t get to see each other terribly often anymore — and when we do, it’s typically at a weird time, like 7AM pancakes when I’m on my way to work and she’s finally on her way home. And sometimes, when she’s “off,” she’s on-call anyway. When I read this letter, all I could think was that it’s too soon to make this assumption (though yes, it could be true that he’s not interested). I almost felt like LW was assuming that since she slept with him on the first date, he now he OF COURSE has no respect for her because it was such a “bad” thing to do, and now OF COURSE she’s just his “weekday girl.” Really, though, at least in my experience, if a doctor has time to see you a couple times in one week? He’s at least interested enough for having just been out with you a few times.

katie katie April 3, 2013, 9:49 am

WCS, particularly about the 4 dates thing. i mean, you dont even know each other… how can you possible know how he has compartmentalized you into his life, if he even has, in 4 dates? i just dont see that..

avatar Guy Friday April 3, 2013, 10:12 am

Yeah, I definitely agree with you on the “if a doctor has time to see you a couple times in one week?” part. LW, you’ve got to look at this through the prism of the job. For an unemployed slacker, a couple of texts and a call or two a week is woefully unappreciative. For a doctor, that might be more than anyone else in his life has gotten in months.

Lindsay Lindsay April 3, 2013, 10:42 am

Yes! And if he is a resident, then I doubt that he has a kid or a girlfriend because I don’t think he’d be able to see them on the weekend, go on two dates and actually go to work ever. I also agreed that she decided this two quickly. This is over the span of only a couple of weeks, from what I understand. It’s not like months of only seeing him on weekdays.

avatar bcamber April 3, 2013, 11:51 am

YES, EXACTLY. It’s not like they had been dating for months and he still wouldn’t ask her out on weekends. They had only gone on a handful of dates!!!

More likely, she freaked herself out after sleeping with him “too soon”, and therefore was hyper-examining everything.

Copa Copa April 3, 2013, 12:16 pm

…and then she probably freaked him out with expectations she only managed to express through abrupt, likely rude texts.

It seemed to me like he started things with her with an open mind — not already thinking long term, but interested enough to want to spend time with her again. This seems pretty normal to me for just a few dates in — before you’re in a committed relationship, the point of dating is simply asking yourself the question, “Did I enjoy myself to want to spend another evening with this person?” before you eventually decide whether or not you want to commit or move on.

And then LW made things weird with her behavior/texts/aggravation that he didn’t already think of her as a “weekend girl.”

On that note, am I the only one who thinks little of weekday dates? I just don’t think it’s a huge deal under these circumstances.

avatar Desiree April 3, 2013, 9:26 am

The lack of contact certainly isn’t encouraging. But, it’s important to note: a 27 y/o doctor is almost certainly in his residency training. That means INSANE hours that he has no control over (and could, to a limited extent, explain the lack of contact). It’s entirely possible that he has been working 120-hour weeks for the past 2 weeks. And, to reiterate what others have said, with his work schedule weeknights might sometimes be his “Saturday nights,” so to speak. I don’t think his work schedule is the only important variable here, but it’s definitely one to think about. You don’t mention any consideration of his schedule in your letter. It’s possible (*just* a possibility) that he got the feeling that you weren’t going to be very sympathetic of his schedule and therefore lost interest. A physician can’t date someone who isn’t going to be tolerant of long/crazy/shifting work hours.

avatar Valerie April 3, 2013, 10:24 am

Yep. WDS.

avatar ReginaRey April 3, 2013, 9:27 am

I think this is a case of confused intentions, LW.

It sounds like you’re not interested in having a casual relationship. You want something serious, something meaningful. That’s your intention. Which is great!

But it’s not enough to just set an intention. Your intention has to align with your action. I can’t tell you one way or another, but it’s important to ask yourself: “Is what I’ve been doing, who I’ve been interacting with, what I’ve been accepting aligned with my intention of desiring a serious relationship?” Both in this interaction with THIS guy, in particular, and in your daily life, in general.

Typically, when our intentions and our actions aren’t aligned, we end up with a situation that isn’t working for us. I don’t think this situation is working for you. You aren’t happy with it, and he doesn’t seem very interested. When your intentions and actions start to align, then you’ll more easily find someone whose intentions, desires and actions mesh with yours.

avatar Sunshine Brite April 3, 2013, 9:28 am

Also, not a guy, but I would never mix my friend groups within a couple weeks. I feel that just screams too serious too fast to me which kind of feels like a general tone of the letter (and I’m not referring to sex on the first date, just attaching super quickly).

KKZ KKZ April 3, 2013, 2:27 pm

Yeah I didn’t find his reluctance to co-mingle their friends as particularly odd or alarming. What a weird thing to get hung up on.

I agree with others who are saying she overinvested in this relationship too early. That’s not to say she had sex too early – I was sad to see her essentially slut-shame herself by apologizing/justifying that choice – but that she got too attached to him and put too much importance on his texting habits. She needs to take a step back and give this budding potential relationship room to breathe.

avatar Sasa April 3, 2013, 9:32 am

LW, you seem to be one of those people who have a set of rules in their mind how dating must work (no sex on the first date! only weekend dates really count! the guy must do the asking out!) and expect everyone to conform to them. Newsflash: Some people don’t care about those rules at all. If you care about them, then by all means, date “traditionally” and let those who you date know what you’re doing and what your expectations are. Don’t expect them to read your mind and don’t passive-aggressively text “I’m with my friends” when you mean “Ask me out for the weekend or get lost, idiot!” It’s really that easy. Tell your love interests what you want from them and ask them what they want.

avatar Tax Geek April 3, 2013, 9:36 am

I guess I’m one of the few guys that (mostly) lurks here.

If I read the letter correctly there were two weekends in question here. Maybe he has a girlfriend. Maybe he has a child he sees on weekends. Or maybe his schedule is crazy on weekends. You wouldn’t know for sure unless he told you.

After you gave him the brush-off he may have been mildly offended himself and probably figured he could go back to online dating.

avatar cdobbs April 3, 2013, 10:01 am

thats what i was thinking to…he may have a kid or kids that he sees on the weekend…possibly a girlfriend (or who knows even a wife)…but you don’t know that unless you ask

avatar Lily in NYC April 3, 2013, 9:43 am

Well, I’m not a guy but the reason is pretty obvious to me. When you slept with him on the first date, in his mind, you became someone he would only want for a casual fling. I’m not judging you AT ALL; I’ve slept with guys on the first date as well. But those never turned into anything serious. Sure, there are tons of exceptions with people that slept together on the first date and ended up married. It just doesn’t seem like this guy is an exception. And who knows – you weren’t exclusive, so he might have another woman that he sees on weekends. But to be honest, I don’t think you have any right to be angry with this guy. It’s not like he said he wanted to be your boyfriend and then started avoiding you. You met online and you slept with him right away, why wouldn’t he think you were up for a friends with benefits situation? Did you ever speak to him about wanting to spend time on weekends with him? It sounds like you got pissed off and responded with curt texts instead of communicating your wants. People aren’t mind readers and he probably stopped contacting you because he felt it wasn’t worth an argument with someone he barely knows.

avatar Sasa April 3, 2013, 10:10 am

I don’t think that sleeping with someone on the first date ever jinxes one’s chance for a serious relationship with someone that would otherwise have happened. Most people who sleep together on the first date don’t get married, yes, but most people who refrain from doing so don’t get married either…If there is any connection between sex on the first date and no serious relationship that follows, it’s probably a self-fulfilling prophecy thing, where people (women) expect to be put into a certain category after having sex on the first date and start giving a vibe of insecurity.

Lindsay Lindsay April 3, 2013, 10:38 am

I agree that it’s not going to make someone who otherwise wants a relationship with you to change their mind. But I think that it can give someone who already doesn’t want a relationship the wrong impression, so that they assume you both want a fling and they don’t feel the need to tell you that’s what they want. The last guy I dated, I slept with on the first date, and a month or so later, he was surprised to find out that I wasn’t looking for something casual too.

avatar Sasa April 3, 2013, 10:51 am

That might be true. In my opinion, the more important something is to you (like, you want a serious relationship, not something casual), the more you have to let it be explicitly known that that’s what you want. It’s on the person who wants to be serious to let the other person know about that. I would assume that it’s casual unless and until it’s made explicit that it’s not, regardless of the timing of sexual activities :-)

avatar Lindsay April 3, 2013, 1:18 pm

Definitely. I do think that it’s good for someone who knows they don’t want a relationship to bring that up too, though. Because even if I know I am looking for a relationship, I wouldn’t necessarily know if I wanted to be serious with that person immediately, but also wouldn’t want to waste my time if they only wanted a fling from the get-go.

avatar Lily in NYC April 3, 2013, 1:45 pm

Sara, that’s why I wrote that there are tons of exceptions. I just don’t think this dude is one of them.

avatar Lily in NYC April 3, 2013, 1:46 pm

ooh, sorry, I meant Sasa, not Sara.

avatar Datdamwuf April 6, 2013, 1:03 pm

I’d add that if a guy thinks having sex on the first date eliminates you as relationship materia,l then he’s not someone you want to have a relationship with.

FireStar FireStar April 3, 2013, 12:22 pm

It could be cultural too. I know guys who figure if a girl sleeps with them early that she actually doesn’t want a relationship since culturally the girls that do – wait.

bagge72 bagge72 April 3, 2013, 9:50 am

Ok, so my first thought while reading this was that this guy has only been on a couple of dates with you, and he really just wanted to kind of keep you to himself to see where this was going, but probably wasn’t looking for anything long term anyways unless it just happened, and he also still wanted to go out, and enjoy his time with his friends at the bar, and probably hit on other girls, and you wouldn’t help with that. Then you kind of jumped off the deepend for a second or two there, because he wasn’t giving you the attention that you wanted, and you sealed the deal for him, and now he is done with you.

parton_doll parton_doll April 3, 2013, 10:33 am

That’s exactly how I read it.

avatar ktfran April 3, 2013, 11:12 am

I’m a girl, but that’s pretty much how I read it too.

avatar bethany April 3, 2013, 11:25 am

My thoughts exactly.

avatar sarolabelle April 3, 2013, 12:00 pm

Yep. But maybe give her advice on what she should do next time she is in this situation.

bagge72 bagge72 April 3, 2013, 1:26 pm

Well she didn’t ask for that, but I will give it a shot haha.

I think she should contact him on the phone next time instead of relying on text messages for someone to understand how important something is to you, and remember that communication is key, that way you aren’t making up different scenarios as to why somebody isn’t hanging out with you. Also don’t put so much so quickly into a relationship, you have to realize that everybody moves at different speeds, and this guys was moving a lot slower than you were. Oh and never feel bad about sleeping with somebody so soon if that is what you both wanted.

bagge72 bagge72 April 3, 2013, 1:28 pm

I think people use text too much at the begining of relationships now! I remember when I first started dating, we didn’t have text messages so you had to talk on the phone! I think people are so afraid to talk to somebody at the begining of a relationship that it sometimes takes longer to develop, or can go straight to sexy talk, without ever finding anything out about somebody.

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson April 3, 2013, 1:31 pm

Booya. Agreed.

avatar Valerie April 3, 2013, 9:59 am

I’m know I’m not a dude, but I’d like to comment on the fact that this guy is a doctor. I’m curious because the LW didn’t mention anything about this guy’s work schedule. As a 27-year-old doctor, he’s probably barely out of med school and is likely an intern or is very early in residency. This guy is probably working upwards of 60, 70, 80 hours a week, and is likely working on the weekends. I know when my husband was an intern, he NEVER had weekend days off when he on hospital/in patient rotations (which was most of the time). LW, have you discussed this guy’s work schedule with him at all? I’d say, considering he’s probably busting his balls at work and is working all hours/shifts of the day, I think he’s doing a pretty good job of scheduling dates with you, even if they are during the week. I’d say cut the guy some slack. It’s OK if he needs some time out with his friends or to unwind without you (you did only just start dating!), since he only has so many hours in the day. Dating a doctor is hard, and not everyone can deal with the crazy schedule, and that’s perfectly OK if having a crazy schedule doesn’t match your needs, but I think you also need to alter your expectations a little.

Diablo Diablo April 3, 2013, 10:09 am

then again, not everyone whose online profile says doctor is a doctor.

avatar Valerie April 3, 2013, 10:20 am

LOL, good point! :)

katie katie April 3, 2013, 11:13 am

Dun dun dun!!!

That would be so funny. Omg.

avatar adorkable April 3, 2013, 10:00 am

I’m a woman, but I doubt this is much different from what the men are going to tell you. It really comes down to one very, very basic point: Communicate! Don’t make assumptions!

You haven’t heard from him in two weeks because when he reached out, you shut him down.

If you wanted to know why he didn’t want to see you on the weekends, you should have asked. Maybe he spends every weekend with his kids. Maybe he has a standing Saturday-night volunteer commitment. Maybe he works on the weekends. Maybe he has a rare disease that makes him turn into a werewolf on the weekends. Whatever – the point is, you can’t possibly know why he didn’t want to see you on the weekends without asking, and you can’t assume that he knew it bothered you if you didn’t tell him.

avatar Doodles April 3, 2013, 10:00 am

The way I see it is you two are just dating. You are nor exclusive so he does not have an obligation to see you on weekends. He may leave his weekends open for friends, studying or keeping his options open and meeting other people. Some people are not comfortable introducing someone they are not exclusive with or only seen a few times to thier inner circle. And the lack on texts (which, I’m sorry talking is better) could mean he is at his job, and can not respond. Residency or just working in a hospital is hectic and crazy. Peoples lives are in your hands. And if you are working with a seasoned doctor, the last thing they want to see is you on your phone. It just plain old looks bad. If you are not happy or comfortable with this situation then forget him and find someone who will fill your needs. Because this guy is not it.

avatar Guy Friday April 3, 2013, 10:09 am

So, here’s what I notice, and forgive me if I’m repeating other people:

1.) He’s a doctor (so, crazy hours, and he’s probably tired of using it as an excuse because, you know, it’s the career he wants to have and all.)
2.) You didn’t mention ever asking him how serious he wanted the relationship to be.

Really, (1) is a good point that many people have explored so far. But what about (2)? I mean, due respect, but (wo)man up and just ask him if he wants to get serious or not. And then, once you have your answer, decide if it’s compatible with what you want. But, frankly, I think you probably already pissed away any chance you had of getting serious with this guy with that last text you sent. Generally, when someone says they “bluntly texted”, that usually means they said more than “out with friends.” In fact, I’m guessing you phrased in such a passive-aggressive way to make it sound like you were mocking his “out with friends” from previous texts. And if that’s the case, and you guys have gone on a few dates and never had any conversations about making it a serious thing . . . well, I’m a romantic guy who gets easily attached, and even I’d look at that and be like, “Uh, ok. Obviously I pissed her off and she’s no longer interested. Better move on.”

Also, as a comment to those who are drawing distinctions between “weekday” and “weekend”: I get where you’re coming from on that, but there are a lot of professions — doctors and lawyers especially — where, honestly, you work so much that the days all start to blur together, or your calendar is messed up such that, say, Tuesday and Wednesday are like most people’s Saturday and Sunday. So it’s entirely possible that we should be viewing this as if he was an average joe and inviting her out / texting her on Saturdays and Sundays (by which I mean that I think most people who jump to “his job is crazy” rather than “he’s seeing you on the side”)

Fabelle Fabelle April 3, 2013, 10:51 am

I agree about the text she sent, although I’m thinking she said LESS, not more. I’m picturing a terse one-liner about being out with friends, probably—like you said—mimicking a previous text he’d sent her. So, not exactly something he would want to respond to…

avatar j2 April 3, 2013, 10:25 am

I asked six guys. Here’s what I got:

– he’s in an LDR and sees her on weekends (3)
– he’s got family obligations, possibly kid, but also possibly parents (2)
– he’s an on-line gamer and schedules his time for weekends (1)

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson April 3, 2013, 10:29 am

Haha this is awesome. We should nominate one commenter every letter to poll all the males in their office (or near them) on the LW’s situations. That might balance out the gender gap round here.