Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Advice on ex

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This topic contains 22 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Chocolatebuttons 3 months ago.

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  • #682137 Reply

    Hey. Can anyone give advice. Im 35 female i was with my ex for 2 years. We broke up about 7 months ago. I was heart broken. I really thought he was the one and he said he felt the same. We had a great connection. Things were great with some arguments. To cut a long story short he ended things saying it wasnt working but that he still loved me. I was devestated. Anyway over the last few months i have managed to talk to two of his exs as i have a friend who knows one of them. Anyway both of them said when they were with him he was a nice guy but that his mum was very controlling. I felt the same. He lives with his parents. Hes 32 . I felt his mum was controlling too. Example if he was at mine she would always call him to take something to the tip. Or to go and do something for her. We always had to go and sit at his house as he would feel guilty being at mine. I remember once he was going to come to mine as his mum had the cold. He was going to ask me to go to his so he could look after his mum.
    Anyway his exs have said the same saying his mum is a nightmare. He panders to her all the time.
    He told me that he lived with one of his exs for a few months but when o asked her this she said thats not true. They never lived together… and his other ex said she paid s deposit to move in with him she bought all the furniture and the next day he was crying saying he couldnt do it… apparently his mum had txt him saying he was rushing into things.
    Ive never lived with him. We talked about moving in but it never came to it.
    I guess im just wondering if its his mum or if hes to blame for letting her control him?
    Does he sound like hes a mummys boy or has commit issues.
    I really love him i thought he was the one but should i just keep walking away from this or fight for him…. why did he lie about living with an ex…. very strange.

    #682174 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, very strange. I remember you. He wanted to stay friends, right? Are you still talking to him? Or just talking to his exes?

    I guess I wonder why you’re asking. He broke up with you because you weren’t getting along and he wasn’t into being in a relationship with you anymore. That’s what matters here. Do you really think he’s the perfect guy for you, totally wants to be in a relationship with you, and is capable of being a fantastic boyfriend that you’d move in with and marry, if it weren’t for his awful mum? Even IF that were true, which it’s not, he lives with his mom and nothing is changing and this is how it is. Stop talking to his exes like Nancy Drew (are you all in the same friend group or something? If not, it’s really weird that you’re talking to them about him) and really move on.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by avatar Kate.
    #682177 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom

    Translation English to American to the tip = to the trash

    Your ex won’t be available for a commitment as long as he has a mum. That is a fact and you can’t change it. He’s not moving out of his mum’s house for you or any other woman.

    The question you need to ask yourself is why in two years you didn’t realize his mum came before everything else. You saw that and you ignored it. When an adult can’t separate from their parent/s they aren’t ready for adult relationships. You were staring at a huge red flag and either not seeing it or ignoring it. Next time pay attention and move on when you see that happening. This relationship never had a future.

    #682178 Reply
    avatar
    dinoceros
    Member

    What difference does it make why he and his mother have the relationship they have? You’re not together anymore, so his relationship with his mother has nothing to do with you. Talking to your ex’s exes about him sounds kind of obsessive.

    It’s been 7 months. I suspect the reason you’re not over him yet is that you’re continuing to fixate on him and his life. Nothing’s changed, so I’m not sure why there’s a question about moving on or not. Based on the fact that you’re broken up, it sounds like he’s not made any indication that things have changed or he wants to be together.

    #682184 Reply
    avatar
    Essie
    Participant

    He broke up with you. It’s over. It was over 7 months ago. It doesn’t matter what his exes said, it doesn’t matter what kind of relationship he and his mom have, or why.

    Yes, he said he still loved you, but people just about always say that when they dump someone, to soften the blow. If he really loved you, if he really thought you were “the one,” he wouldn’t have broken up with you, or he would have contacted you at some point in the last half-year and told you he thought he made a mistake.

    How are you going to fight for him? Call him up and beg and plead for him to take you back? Do you really want a boyfriend you had to beg to be with you?

    Move on. There are plenty of other men out there.

    #682192 Reply

    He actually got back in touch with me thats why i posted this. Saying hes not over me and he still loves me and doesnt know what to do… hence why i got back in touch with his exs… because with him its the same pattern. When its anything serious or hard he runs… like with us he said it was the arguments. I dont believe that . He said with his other ex it was because she had health problems and if it wasnt for that they would still be together. These are all excuses…i think his mum plays a big part. She is very controlling. But i think as you said he has issues with adult relationships as hes never left home.

    #682198 Reply

    He txt last month saying he still loved me and that it wasnt an easy decision for him to make…. so that is why im messaging on here… his mum controls him as that tho exs saying the same thing… his mum txt me a few months ago saying he will never get back with me and to move on… but that is not what he is telling me.
    At the end of the day i wouldnt be surprised if hes just to scared to stand up to his mum. She is very controlling and he panders to her.

    #682204 Reply

    And yes i get the fact that he might have said he still loves me to sofen the blow of the break up but he told me a month ago he still loves me. Theres no reason for him to say that now. Theres no blow to sofen anymore. So why still say that if he doesnt mean it.

    #682214 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    So you didn’t block him and go no contact? Or did you do that for the recommended 60 days and then you unblocked him?

    Because this is what happens when you don’t follow that advice. You don’t move on. You get these periodic “miss you” texts. You waste your thoughts and energy wondering if it could work again.

    All signs point to NO. He broke up with you before. He’d do it again if you gave this another try. His mom is against this. You’d find yourself right back where you were 7 months ago. The guy is not ready or available for a serious, committed relationship with a future, *and* you two don’t really get along.

    #682215 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    “So why still say that if he doesnt mean it.”

    He’s lonely. He thinks he means it. But he forgot he lives with his mum and doesn’t want to move out and prioritizes her over everything else and you two didn’t get along that great when you were together.

    And probably he’s never read the really awesome book “It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken,” so he doesn’t understand that feelings of love for someone do not equate to being able to have a good relationship with them, and that it’s best to cut contact and move on.

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by avatar Kate.
    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by avatar Kate.
    #682230 Reply

    Yes i blocked him and read the book too but he sent me an email.. i didnt realise i had to block my emails too… we didnt argue that much… like i said i think he uses the arguments as an excuse…. just like he told one of his exs if it wasnt for her bad health they would still be together…
    My questions were just wanting to know if hes the problem or his mum . Or a bit of both. There seems to be the same pattern with every relationship he has… and i know people will say it doesnt concern me but im just interested to know .

    #682234 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Both. He and his mom, together, have this relationship. At 32, he’s still choosing to live with her. He’s still prioritizing her as #1. That’s a choice. They’re probably codependent. It’s BOTH. But for your purposes, it’s him.

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