- July 8, 2017 at 12:27 am #693054
I’m 17, and I know, I know nothing about love, or at least that’s what you’ll tell me. I love my boyfriend and care about him a lot. We’ve only been together for 4 months now, and he is a year older than me (going to university whereas I’m about to be a senior). He is one of the kindest, most loyal boys I’ve met and this is his first relationship. He’s always been sweet to me (saying cheesy things, always wanting to hug/kiss,etc) and I never used to mind it. He’s not super protective of me however I find myself getting annoyed with him on a daily basis as of late. I’m not sure why – his corny comments never used to bother me before. I haven’t seen him in about two weeks as, but when we text he’ll randomly say something about him talking to the most beautiful girl in the world, or something cheesy like that (gag). Like I said, it never bothered me before, but now whenever I see or text him, I get really annoyed by this. He constantly wants to kiss and hug me, which I understand is his way of showing his affection, but sometimes it’s a bit much. He’s not a typical horny 18 year old and honestly hasn’t even pushed me or really talked about sex with me before, and if it comes up it’s usually because of me. I’m not worried that he’s trying to be sweet to get in my pants or anything, but I really can’t take it anymore. Sometimes we’ll just be having a normal conversation and I find myself getting annoyed for NO reason?! Hell ask me what I’m doing or what I’ve been up to all day and I feel like he just always wants to know what I’m doing (not sure if it’s just me being weird or if he’s just clingy honestly). Please help!! I don’t know what to do. He’s a sweet guy and I care about him, but it’s getting a bit much.July 8, 2017 at 3:37 am #693062
I have no doubt you care about your boyfriend and even love him, but it doesn’t sound like you are *in* love with him. And that’s okay. That’s what dating is for, to figure out what kind of person you’re most compatible with. Your situation is also a good example of why it’s important to date a person long enough for the newness to wear off before making big decisions about things like living together or getting married. Sometimes things that are endearing in the beginning of a relationship can start to grate on your nerves after a while.
There are times when those issues can be worked through. In your case, it’s probably best to break things off. He’s going to be leaving for school soon anyway, let this be a clean break while the two of you are still are good terms. I know you don’t want to hurt him, and breaking up will be difficult and painful for you both. But the alternative of keeping things going means you’ll keep being irritated with him. That irritation will start to show with eye rolls and snarky comments. He’ll start getting irritated himself that you’re being a jerk to him, you’ll start fighting a lot, and eventually it will end with you both angry at the other one.
Instead, tell him how much you care about him and that you want him to be able to go off to school with no ties holding him back. You could possibly even add in something about wanting to spend your Sr yr of hs unattached. Basically, let him down easy and maybe the two of you will even be able to remain friends once the dust settles.July 8, 2017 at 5:29 am #693066
I find it very interesting that you open with the fact that you’re 17, and you know nothing about love, or at least that’s what [you expect] that we’ll tell you. Then you go right to the next sentence and proclaim that you love your boyfriend. I have no doubt that you genuinely care about the guy, but I don’t think think for a New York minute that you really “love” your boyfriend. However, it doesn’t really matter, in the end, because love really doesn’t matter all that much, if the basic compatibilities aren’t there, or if there are other key characteristics lacking. It’s like an engine: if you aren’t firing on all cylinders, you ain’t gonna get very far, so don’t focus only on “love”, or what you think is love.
The guy may be clingy, or if it’s not clingy, it’s just that he is way more “touchy” and wanting to be 100% in contact and fully connected than you are comfortable being. And your reaction to that behavior is pretty much what what mine would be, because that would get on my last nerve. I like a certain amount of independence and privacy or autonomy, and I don’t want someone constantly attached to me or trying to crawl inside my head 24-7. When someone is overdoing something that is nice in small quantities, the reaction of irritation is normal. Different people prefer different behaviors, and that’s okay. There isn’t one “right” way to be; you will be happiest with someone who is naturally to your preference. It doesn’t matter if everyone else, and even you yourself, believes that a particular behavior is sweet or nice. Candy is sweet and nice, but you don’t expect to live off a diet of nothing but candy, and if you started dating someone who knew you loved candy and constantly brought it to you, you wouldn’t be surprised that this would start to feel annoying.
If you do care, I think you need to give him a chance to learn how to moderate his behavior, if he is interested in doing this and able. There’s nothing wrong with communicating with him; in fact, that’s exactly what you need to do. Talk with him! Start with your closing sentence, and see where the conversation goes. Then come back here if you need more feedback.July 8, 2017 at 7:41 am #693075
You’ve lost interest in him and are clinging to the relationship, why? If he always annoys you and you find his ways of showing affection annoying, then it’s over. You aren’t a good match, no matter how kind he is. You find him cloying and no amount of rationalization or talking yourself out of your own feelings is going to change that. As time goes by, you’ll only find him more annoying. Your annoyance is a red flag that it’s over.July 8, 2017 at 9:02 am #693079
You haven’t seen him in two weeks but you get annoyed with him every day? This is not meant to be. You’re not that into him, plain and simple, even if he’s a really nice guy. Which it sounds like the issue is he’s too nice, not enough of an edge, so his affection gets on your nerves. Yes, too nice is a thing. And a relationship with a guy who just gets on your nerves is never going to work. Break up with him and let him go do his college thing in a month or two without a girlfriend back home who never sees him and finds him irritating AF. You can love him and he can still be the wrong guy for you.July 8, 2017 at 9:49 am #693082
I do recommend that the LW actually talk with the guy, and not just break up. It sounds to me as though they are both very young and don’t have a lot of relationship experience. It could very well be in the end that they will break up, and there can be a lot of practical reasons for that like the age difference and possibly their future physical locations. It just seems to be reasonable to communicate about what’s bugging her, before using that as a reason to dump the guy. Out of inexperience, he may think that’s what he “should” be doing, and doesn’t realize that it becomes cloying and oppressive after not too long.July 8, 2017 at 10:32 am #693084
I agree with the others who are saying this relationship is over. There are some people who love the kind of partner your boyfriend is and would call it romantic, not clingy. You are not one of those people and that’s ok. As someone said above, this is what dating is for – to figure out what you do and don’t want in a relationship. It sounds like the two of you just aren’t well suited. I mean, you could talk to him about it as LisforLeslie suggests, but it’s only been 4 months, you don’t see each other that often, and you’re both young – is it really worth the effort? Only you can decide that.
And as far as not knowing anything about love – of course you know about love. What you’re learning now is about relationships and dating and who you want to be with at this point in time, and how to recognize when something feels right or wrong, and what to do about it. I’d argue that we are all learning that continuously at every age and every stage in life.July 8, 2017 at 10:33 am #693086
Oops, name checked the wron Leslie above! I meant LeslieJones, not LisforLeslie. Sorry!July 8, 2017 at 10:33 am #693087
Omg I’m the worst. LeslieJOAN. I need more coffee.July 8, 2017 at 10:50 am #693088
I’m not intending this to “fix” the relationship. There may be some misunderstanding here. I fully agree and understand that the purpose of dating is to get to know the other person, and under 9 months is certainly well within the amount of time it takes to realize that your boyfriend annoys the living daylights outta you and you’d rather chew your arm off than spend more time with them. I just think that an honest conversation about what’s bugging her is reasonable in a situation where the annoying person is not controlling or abusive. That last caveat is important at any age.July 8, 2017 at 11:10 am #693089
I think you’re totally right that learning to have those difficult but honest conversations is a good skill to develop early on in your dating life – not many people can do that well (hence why we have advice columns!). And it could be a kindness for her to tell the bf that his behavior is too much for her. Of course maybe leave off the part about wanting to chew your own arm off… 🙂
I had a similar early relationship (and break up) and there was drama, to put it mildly. Looking back, I see how a lot of the drama could have been avoided if I’d pulled the plug earlier and with less conversation so maybe I’m projecting that onto the OP.July 8, 2017 at 11:42 am #693092
I don’t think that she should tell him that he finds his affection irritating. She should cut him off swiftly and sharply and free him to find someone who doesn’t hold him in contempt.