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Dear Wendy

Am I being ghosted?

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar Carol Evans 5 days, 14 hours ago.

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  • #735492 Reply
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    Carol Evans
    Member

    This past summer I met a young doctor in residence on a flight to Paris. He talked to me a lot the whole way, we went out for coffee and hit it off great. Over the past six months we have been talking via messenger. He is working in Paris and I am an American working in his country of origin (not France) while he does his residence in Paris. We have talked and he has confessed to me how he was deeply in love with a woman who left him and blocked him for something he did (would not tell me what he did). He was distraught all summer and fall and we texted and chatted a lot and became fast friends. Over the past month he has claimed he is over his ex. For the New Year he came to the country I am now working in to see his family and we spent a night together and one thing led to another on New Year’s eve and we ended up spending the night together. After that he only returned one message saying he was working (he does work 36 hours straight in residence) and when I said I missed talking to him he said that was not possible because he was “far away”. After that he stopped responding though we used to talk all the time and I did not tell him outright “hey I miss and want to be with you” because I do not know if I will be here or go back to the US soon based on my job and he knows that. I also know that he doesn’t want a relationship until he knows where his residency will lead him. Why would he ghost me? I don’t get it……

    P.S. one strange thing is that when I told him not to obsess over his ex so much this summer because she had clearly d moved on he responded “Should go find and beat her”? I thought that was a weird thing to say so I asked if he was serious and he said “just upset”

    #735497 Reply
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    Ruby Tuesday

    Is this a re-run? Because I’m pretty sure we’ve been through this with you a few months ago.

    #735498 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yes, and didn’t this guy have anger issues and abusive behavior and we all thought he was sketchy and probably not single.

    These are such red flags.

    #735500 Reply
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    Carol Evans

    This is another man.

    #735501 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    Ohh. Sigh. You’ve got bad taste in men. Seriously, where are you finding them? Bad Boyfriends R Us?!

    #735504 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Don’t mistake casual chatting over Messenger, or texting, or Snapchat, for a relationship. You were fun to talk to and flirt with, he got laid, he’s moved on.

    Stick to dating guys you can have a real, in-person relationship with.

    #735505 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Find someone local to date. Don’t get so invested in relationships with people you almost never see.

    #735506 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    He would ghost you because you two are people who met on a plane and had coffee. You’re basically strangers. Meeting someone on a plane has like a .05% chance of actually turning into something. Why? Because the chances you live near them are very slim. It sounds like you were hoping for a situation out of a romantic comedy, but those don’t really happen in real life as much as they do in the movies or on TV. If you’re going to meet someone in a very random situation who lives far away, then sure, go to coffee with them, but don’t expect it to turn into a relationship.

    Texting with a stranger is fun for a while, but then it gets boring, especially if you have other things going on in your real life.

    #735510 Reply
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    Kate

    So, yes, you’re being ghosted.

    He either:

    liked having you as a distraction / pen pal to lean on after his breakup and no longer needs that

    Or is back with his ex

    Or lost interest after hooking up with you (chase is over)

    Or you’re coming across too needy

    Or some combination of the above. He is ghosting you. Time to move on. No good guy makes a joke about beating women, and his refusal to tell you what he did to his ex is very concerning.

    This was a pen pal / fling, it’s over, date local men.

    #735527 Reply
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    Ruby Tuesday

    From your description, this man told you that continuing to talk was not possible because he lives far away. You also stated that he did not want a relationship while he dealt with his residency. After he told you that he did not want to continue interacting with you, he then followed through with his statement.

    This man did not ghost you. It wasn’t sudden and without any explanation. @essie is right on when she said don’t mistake casual chatting for a relationship. It is normal to make a quick connection and chat/text for awhile and then those interactions fade away. I think elevating every incident in which you lose contact to ghosting shows that you place far too much value into casual situations.

    #735529 Reply
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    TheHizzy

    I wouldn’t want to chase or be with someone who talks about beating their ex, joking or not.

    #735542 Reply

    At the very least, he’s not over his ex so he’s not in a place to have a relationship with anyone.

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