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Dear Wendy

Am I being unreasonable or are we just not compatible?

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This topic contains 28 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar dinoceros 4 months ago.

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  • #678540 Reply
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    SOS

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over three months, but we were close friends for months before we ever got together. when i first met him i was in a relationship already. i eventually ended that relationship because i found myself thinking about my close friend more than my then boyfriend. We’re both in school right now, but my program is more rigorous and time consuming than his (I’m in nursing school). When we got together i made it clear that school was my first priority and i wouldn’t be able to see him more than once or twice a week. One of my main problems with my ex was that he was needy and wanted to hang out with me every other day. He said that he understood and was fine with this. Well as time has progressed it’s become clearer and clearer he’s not okay with this. His parents came up for the weekend and i was unable to make it because i had a huge test the following monday. He got understandably upset but we eventually moved past it. Again with valentine’s day i was unable to do anything because i really needed to study. he was sad and upset most of the day. While i would have much rather been with him than studying, i also understand that my education is my main priority right now.
    We don’t live close to each other either and we usually meet in the middle. His house is about an hour drive from mine each way. Usually we meet at my university. Sometimes i’ll make the drive to his place myself. I live at home with my Dad and he is pretty strict (I’m 22). I try to come home at a reasonable hour and respect his rules. I was kicked out three years ago because i was coming home late and spending the night at my then boyfriend’s house. I really don’t want to get in that situation again where i’m putting my education at risk. during the time i wasn’t living at home he quit paying for my college. I really don’t want to risk all I’ve worked for when I’m so close to graduating (only a year to go).
    So this brings me to my current problem. Last night all of our issues came forward. My boyfriend was saying that he feels neglected and like he wants to see me more than i want to see him. He feels like he is putting more forward than I am. I tried to explain that it’s just because of school and that i’m busy. But honestly i’m also very introverted and i enjoy time to myself. So when i do have free time, which is rare, i dream of spending the time napping in my own bed. I’m around my classmates nearly 24/7 and it’s nice to just have some alone time. I only have one day off a week.
    Lately i just feel like he deserves someone that has more time for him. maybe i’m not able to give him what he needs. or maybe i’m just selfish. I feel guilty for wanting time to myself. When he asks me to hang out and i say i have to babysit my cousins or i’m really behind and need to study he gets sad and stops texting as frequently. I don’t want to feel guilty for pursuing my education and doing what i feel comfortable with. Lately the stress is getting to me. We have this conversation every other week.
    We talked some more and then another issue came up, one that he’s evidently been thinking of for a while. He wants to move far away when he graduates. he hates our state. I don’t care for where we live either, but my father is here and he doesn’t have anyone else. I don’t feel comfortable living more than a state or two over. I want to be close enough that if something does happen, i can get home quickly. He’s pretty much said that if he has the opportunity to move far away (I’m talking across the country) he will take it.
    I’m conflicted because he really is a great guy and like my best friend. He’s easily the nicest, most caring guy I’ve ever been with. I have a tendency to date jerks. I’m scared if this doesn’t work out i will never have this kind of connection with someone again. At times he’s been my sounding board for when schools been too much. But at the same time, if our goals and desires don’t line up, how are we supposed to work long term? Would it be better to end it now, or should i hold onto hope things change? Maybe i’ll change my mind about moving, or maybe he will? Maybe i can make more time for him? I honestly don’t know what to do.

    I have a friend that told me once, “If being without you is an option to them, they’ve already made their decision”

    #678542 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I think your friend has it twisted. You SHOULD be able to know that you’d be ok if a relationship ends and not fall apart. If you can’t survive without each other, that’s kind of unhealthy. She’d be right if she said if you or your partner *has one foot out the door…*

    But anyway, it sounds like this guy is not your long term guy. Your lifestyles and future goals aren’t compatible. It’s only been 3 months and this incompatibility is coming up regularly. If I told you you can find a better connection in the future WITH compatibility, would you feel ok ending this?

    #678543 Reply
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    SOS

    Kate—
    I think you’re right, having one foot out the door is a better way to explain it.

    Right now i feel like if i’m not in a relationship with him i don’t want to see anyone else. At least not until after I graduate and have my own place.

    We are both studying for careers in the healthcare profession so I thought he would understand my schedule. i guess i was wrong.

    I really appreciate you’re input, thank you

    #678546 Reply
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    Fyodor

    You don’t want the same things now and you don’t want the same things in the future. Break up.

    #678547 Reply
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    Fyodor

    you may just be at a stage of your life when you have to forego a serious romantic relationship. Lots of people do so when they are in very intensive academic programs.

    #678551 Reply
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    Ange

    Honestly I commend you for thinking of your studies and being level headed about your options right now, you have the rest of your life to worry about dudes but only one chance for your college life to be paid for. You were mostly upfront about your time for this relationship so it seems like the guy just didn’t want to believe you so that’s on him. I would move on, focus on the rest of your schooling and maybe someone more compatible will come along. That said in future though you might need to be even more forthcoming about your introversion and need for alone time or this problem may keep popping up and you won’t have school as an excuse.

    #678552 Reply
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    SOS

    Fyodor– You have a point. I thought maybe I could manage a relationship because some of my friends in the program also are dating. Everyone’s situation is different I guess.

    Thank you for your advice

    #678555 Reply
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    SOS

    Ange–
    Thank you for your advice. I should have been more upfront about my need for alone time. I wish i wasn’t so introverted but i’ve always been this way. I like my alone time, i feel more energized. Especially after clinicals, all i want to do is curl up and read a book. I feel like if he lived closer i would see him more often, but all i can think of is how much gas i’m spending and time i’m spending driving.

    #678557 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I don’t think that it’s automatically unmanageable but it may be too much for you (which is fine!). Some people can work 60 hours a week and fit in time for their SOs and be fine. It sounds like you need time to decompress (as I would) when you’re not working. The fact that you’re not anxious to see your boyfriend when you have time off (rather than it being an obligation to him) suggests that it might be too much for you at this stage in your life.

    #678558 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I’ll also say, I know that wanting alone time is making this particular situation difficult, but being an introvert isn’t a flaw, so don’t think of it that way. Obviously, you may need a certain amount of time to yourself, which makes it difficult to have a relationship while you’re in the middle of something so rigorous. Then when that’s over, and you have more time in general, it won’t be a big deal. On the other hand, as an introvert, I’ve felt similar in relationships before, where I found myself wanting to use my free time for other things (myself or my friends) and not the guy. But it was less about me and more about him. For me, if I really want to be around someone, my introversion doesn’t get in the way as much. And for some extroverts, it may be a struggle because the fear of being alone could sway a person’s thoughts about a relationship that’s run its course. Not that these things are universally true, but just something to think about. No need to feel bad about being you.

    #678559 Reply
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    Janelle

    At your age you are right that education is more important. I think it’s time to move on. You will have a connection with someone else. In reality you both don’t even really know everything about yourselves yet so a relationship working out would be tricky as it is.

    #678573 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom

    I’d break up. If this relationship was working the two of you wouldn’t have the same ongoing problem every two weeks in a relationship that is only three months old. He is demanding what you can’t give and so this won’t work. He also wants to live somewhere that you don’t and so you now have to major incompatibilities. When a relationship works it works. You don’t have constant discussions about problems. The fact that you are now dating a great guy indicates you are getting better at picking a partner. He isn’t the only great guy out there. You will sooner or later meet a great guy who is also a compatible guy. You need both.

    I’m an introvert and I feel the same as dinocero. When you are with the right person the introversion doesn’t seem to matter. My husband is an extrovert and yet a great fit and I didn’t feel the need to get alone time from him. He doesn’t get on my nerves the way spending lots of time with most people would. Part of being a good fit is that you find it just works, fairly easily. You don’t have to fight to make it work or try to change who you are.

    Some of your friends in the program may be dating people who live nearby so it is easier to get lunch or dinner together and so see each other every day without interfering with their studies.

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