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Dear Wendy

Am I being unreasonable or are we just not compatible?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Am I being unreasonable or are we just not compatible?

This topic contains 28 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar dinoceros 4 days, 2 hours ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 29 total)
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  • #678585 Reply
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    Leslie Joan

    You guys are not compatible. It’s really not fair for him to say he understands that you’re busy and need to study, and then pull the sad puppy routine when you actually need to study, and whine about not seeing you. You are wise and practical to be focusing on your studies, and also wise to know your personal needs. He’s really being selfish, as I’m seeing it.

    I can’t see that you have the time to date anybody at this point in time, and certainly not someone who lives an hour away. Especially not someone who is going to be constantly pressuring and demanding your company. Honestly, this guy doesn’t come across to me as all that different from the last one, only this one mistakenly believes he’s different.

    There will be time for dating once you are finished with your degree. There’s no rush. But please don’t let someone, anyone, feel that you’re being selfish by doing what you need to do for yourself, especially when you made that clear going in.

    #678595 Reply
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    Fyodor

    “It’s really not fair for him to say he understands that you’re busy and need to study, and then pull the sad puppy routine when you actually need to study, and whine about not seeing you. You are wise and practical to be focusing on your studies, and also wise to know your personal needs. He’s really being selfish, as I’m seeing it.”

    Whatever. People discuss lots of things at the beginning of a relationship. That doesn’t mean that they are bound by them in perpetuity. It could be that when their relationship was more causal he was fine seeing her once a week but as things became more serious he wasn’t satisfied with it. I think that virtually everyone I know would be pretty unhappy with a relationship where they barely saw their significant other.

    #678596 Reply
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    Leslie Joan

    Well, Fyodor, I guess we’re all different. But it seems to me that if things change, it’s fine to discuss them openly and honestly, instead of trying to lay on the guilt or get whiny about something. That isn’t fair, IMHO, and shows selfishness rather than love. But that’s evidently just me. My comment was for the LW. Maybe it will help her. I know that there were people I dated in the past that would expect me to do the exact opposite of what I said I would once they felt we’d dated for a sufficient period of time. That’s why they are ex-boyfriends. That’s why there is language.

    I don’t really get the sense that he’s oh so serious about the LW, and she’s only talking about a year. I get the sense that he wants what he wants when he wants it -which is a pretty universal trait. But that doesn’t mean that LW should feel guilty about not being able to pretzel herself to provide it when it conflicts with her abilities. Love’s got nothing to do with it.

    #678597 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I agree with Leslie Joan. It’s fine for expectations to evolve, and I get that a person might agree to something and then find out that they don’t like it after they live it. I don’t think in this situation it’s about him becoming more serious — it’s been three months. That sort of scenario would make more sense if they were moving into a point in their relationship where they were starting to take bigger steps.

    I think it’s more of an issue along the lines of maybe he was a little naive and didn’t really listen/process what she was saying before, or didn’t know the extent to which she’d be busy, than him getting that much more serious. And that’s fine, he’s young, it happens. But in that case, he needed to have a discussion with her about it, but ultimately realize that he agreed to a type of a relationship that isn’t right for him and listen better to what he’s being told in the future. Guilting isn’t going to help anyone.

    #678603 Reply
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    Ron

    It seems to me that LW’s position has evolved more than her bf’s. He has agreed that her studies come first. She has now introduced a new reason not to spend time with him: she is an introvert and needs time to her self. That is not a logical position, and I suspect she just doesn’t want to spend time with the guy and is unwilling, for some security-related reason, to just let him go, rather than keeping him as this seldom seen, almost LDR relationship, back-burner bf who is a bit of a security blanket. Yes, introverts need alone time. Equally true, studying is alone time. It is a very solitary activity. What she is really saying that in the very limited free time available to her, she prefers to do other things rather than spend time with her bf. It is perfectly fair that this concerns him.

    #678604 Reply
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    Leslie Joan

    Dating somebody tells you whether or not you’re compatible with someone. It turns out they don’t really want the same things. No harm, no foul on either of them. It’s just time to break up.

    #678670 Reply
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    RedRoverRedRover

    It’s not a logical position to be an introvert and need time to yourself? I must be the least logical person on the planet then.

    #678686 Reply
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    Ron

    I didn’t say anything remotely close to the words you put in my mouth, RRRR. What I said is that studying is alone time and LW is doing tons of studying, hence she is spending tons of alone time.

    Really, there seems to be a double standard in play here. When a woman writes in that a bf isn’t spending enough time with her, the close to universal consensus is ‘if someone really wants to be your bf, they will make time for you and demonstrate that you are important to them.’ This LW isn’t doing that, but some of the comments are making this his fault. After her introvert study time, she has a choice how to spend her free time, and she isn’t choosing him. Thus he’s correct to be bothered and think that she doesn’t care all that much for him.

    #678688 Reply
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    Janelle

    @Ron I agree. Valentine’s Day is a good example. Yes studying is important but you gotta eat. If she wanted to see him why not even just order a pizza together and hang out for a couple hours. Life is about balance. Relationships are about compromise. A couple hours for someone will not make or break anything. If you love someone you’d happily spend that time.

    #678689 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Ron I disagree – I’m not seeing a lack of logic. I know that when I have time just to myself to do whatever I want to do, watch tv, read a book, take a walk, I feel calmer and more ready to deal with people. When I spend extended time with people around, I get more and more irritable. Therefore, it is logical that I do what is best for me, so that I can be better for others. Even with people with whom I can sit in comfortable silence – their presence irks the crap out of me if I haven’t had solo time.

    LW – it sounds like he wants more than you’re able to give. It sounds like you like him but that your priorities are more focused on school (which is great!). He may be a good person, but he’s not the right person for you. It’s OK to break up for that reason alone. Hell you don’t even have to have a “Reason” you can simply say “this is not a good time for me to be in a relationship”.

    #678695 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    As an introvert I’ve always found that I needed some quiet, alone time after studying to unwind.

    I do agree with Ron that if she wanted to see her boyfriend she would manage to see him more but I also think that being an hour apart means that things must be much more planned. She can’t just call him after studying and get together for an hour. She has to know when she will be available and make arrangements to see him. If he lived in the same area they could meet for dinner every evening and see each other daily and see each other on many nights for even ten or fifteen minutes between studying and bed. The distance prevents those shorter amounts of time. All in all this relationship isn’t working for either of them and so I see no point in continuing it.

    #678702 Reply
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    Northern Star

    I think you are not compatible. I am not an extrovert. The idea of being around people all the time exhausts me. But my husband doesn’t “count,” because his presence doesn’t drain me. I look forward to seeing him when I go home every day.

    You are busy—and when you’re not busy, you don’t want to spend time with your boyfriend, really. Time to break up.

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