Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Am I being unreasonable or are we just not compatible?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Am I being unreasonable or are we just not compatible?

This topic contains 28 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar dinoceros 4 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #678707 Reply
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    for_cutie

    I’m with @Ron. The LW has her reasons for not making more time for the bf. Regardless of the merits of these reasons, she is not meeting his need for intimacy. She feels guilty and he is unsatisfied. They’ve only been together 3 months. Time to MOA, regardless of the specific circumstances.

    #678709 Reply
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    RedRoverRedRover

    @Ron, ok I see the confusion. Study time doesn’t count as alone time. It’s not simply being alone, but having free time on your own. Studying, working, etc doesn’t count even if you do it alone. You can’t “recharge” while you’re studying. So when she’s done all her studying, she still needs additional alone time on top of that. It IS logical for her to take the time she needs to recharge.

    #679258 Reply
    Kate B.
    Kate B.

    Another introvert here. I have to agree with Red Rover. Study time does not count as alone time. Alone time is time that rejuvenates and refreshes me. Studying is studying. I think the LW needs to break up with guy and focus on her studies for a while. Taking a break from dating is a good idea.

    #679489 Reply
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    Mike

    Well three months is not a long time but you did know one another before then and that tends to accelerate things. You say that he is a great guy that you are lucky to have but it begs a question: If he is so great why aren’t YOU trying/wanting to see him more? That says alot about where you are both at in the relationship. Is seeing him more of a burden than a relief? Is he adding to your stress or helping you alleviate it?

    I get that you are extremely busy with school. It is the most important thing to you but is it the only thing? Y’see I hear something in your post that suggest a certain misperception of life. Y’see school is going to finish one day. You will rock your tests, get your degree and begin your career. What then? Will you suddenly become less busy and have more time for a guy? I gotta tell you, things do not get easier as you get older. You do not magically recoup your life once you graduate. I worked full time and went to school full-time and thought I would magically gain so much time once I no longer had to do the school thing. Nope. Stuff gets harder and more busy as you get older and the hard part is finding time for the things that are important to you. Will you never have time for a relationship? Or do just not have time for this one? If you find that you want to seriously pursue a relationship it is a 50-50 split on effort. Anything other than that brushes on being exploitive. You know where that leads.

    #679494 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    “What then? Will you suddenly become less busy and have more time for a guy?”

    I have a lot more time working 40 hours a week than I did when I was in school – undergrad and grad school. I’m sorry that’s not your experience, too. I assume you work in a field that’s much more than 40 hours per week. I agree that maybe she’s just not into this guy, but I don’t really agree with the implication that she needs to make romantic relationships as much of a priority of school at this moment or … risk being alone forever (which I think is the undertone here). If a person can’t make time for school and a relationship both, then they should pick school. Plenty of people go through ups and downs in life where sometimes they have more stress or more work or whatever. But I think a lot of people are able to return to having more of a social life later on, but even if not, a person can make choices about when they have time for relationships or not, without that being a commitment to having or not having one forever.

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