Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Am I incompatible with relationships?

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This topic contains 18 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Ruby Thursday 1 week, 2 days ago.

Viewing 7 posts - 13 through 19 (of 19 total)
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  • #738971 Reply
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    keyblade
    Member

    You aren’t alone. You weren’t stupid to break up with him. You are young, you don’t have a frame a reference for healthy, you have emotional work other people may not have. This isn’t your fault. It isn’t indicative of your intrinsic value. Your pain is real. It is work that is unique, just as you are a unique person who no other single other person will ever fully and completely understand. But that doesn’t mean no one will be able to love you, or that you can’t train yourself how to trust someone.

    I’m sorry you feel lonely and your needs and physical/emotional experience of life weren’t met. I wish your mother had been able to see you as a vulnerable child who needed her help. I’m sorry your oldest sister misplaced her dysfunctional view of food and desire for control on vulnerable six-year-old you. It was a cruel and unfair experience. It only makes sense that you would crave heaps of attention, love, and care.

    Unfortunately, people are all human and no one person will be able to love you perfectly. This doesn’t mean love and companionship aren’t worth pursuing. But you have the challenging task of having to validate yourself. We sometimes look to other people to reflect our value back to us. Children look to their parents to see them, clearly. Your parents couldn’t do this for you. So, you have the extra work of having to learn how to forgive yourself for being powerless, accept who you are in life, and to develop not only a sense of yourself, but a willingness to lose yourself in faith and love and see others. This is no easy undertaking.

    There are other instruments to help you. There are words you haven’t read, love you haven’t felt, more new life experiences. You can learn to trust yourself. Even if you feel lonely and sad, it isn’t a result of you miscalculating. Sometimes life feels lonely and sad, even when you’ve done the right thing, like leave a co-dependent and toxic relationship which was providing you some security. You have freed yourself up for the potential of equitable footing in love.

    I don’t think I have any real advice. I just want you to know that there are strangers in this world who wish you encouragement. Of course, you are a good, valuable person. Of course, you are worth loving and receiving love. Good luck.

    #739000 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Oh I want to give you a hug and tell you it will be ok. It sounds like you’re doing a lot of hard work but that you still have work ahead of you. That’s OK. There are a lot of messed up people in this world. That you’re getting help is wonderful. You were dealt a bad hand and you’ve picked a few shitty people to love and that isn’t a reflection on you or your ability to have relationships. There are manipulative awful people out there and they target people who are insecure, or people who are just very forgiving. They use them up until they’re done and then they abuse the person until the person has had enough and ends the relationship. This way, the abuser can say “Well everything was fine but he just broke up with me.” You may want to read up on narcissistic personality disorder or whatever they’re calling it today. It may give you some insight into what you may have been dealing with. It just sounds really familiar to me.

    You are worthy of love and companionship. Keep working on yourself. Figure out how to reset your personal gauges and meters (like the “Is this a crisis gauge” and the ever needed “BS-meter”. Good luck.

    #739006 Reply
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    Moonalesca
    Member

    I’m honestly overwhelmed by all your supportive comments and advice. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. I emailed my university’s student support department and have requested a registration form to access the counselling service. Now I just need to wait for a response. I’ve also applied for a couple of jobs so that I have something to do when I’m not working on university stuff – keep me busy and distracted from my issues while I wait for professional help, you know?

    #739065 Reply
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    Ruby Tuesday

    I know how hard it can be to find the mental health support you need while at university (and throughout life, really). I think your ability to reflect on your life and where you need support will be a great help to you as you move forward. Even when we feel our best, you can only benefit from health services. Please let us know how you are doing down the line or if you need any advice in the future!

    #739071 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Keeping busy is good. Take care of yourself. Don’t get so busy that you overwhelm yourself. You can find a balance. Sleep. Exercise. Do something nice for yourself each day, even if it as simple as giving yourself a thumbs up in the mirror. Goofy I know but you have to love yourself the most of any person on this planet. It doesn’t mean you have to always put yourself first, but you have to do right by yourself every day.

    #739072 Reply
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    Moonalesca
    Member

    The problem is that, most days, I feel fine. It’s only when pursuing a potential relationship that these issues come forward, and then I become a nervous, emotional wreck who completely forgets his identity. I fixate on whomever I’m pursuing to the point of obsession and lose interest in anything but that person. I bounce back after a couple of days of that pursuit coming to an end (as it inevitably does due to my clinginess/neediness) but I’d rather the obsession and anxiety not surface in the first place.

    #739087 Reply
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    Ruby Thursday

    Every day is different. I think that pursuing therapy to help you deal with the rare difficult times will help you have even more great days. It takes a lot of work to deal with your mental health, but the more you work on the rare days, the better you will feel.

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