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Am i overreacting about my partner of 4 years?

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This topic contains 40 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by avatar Bittergaymark 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #716770 Reply
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    Jessica

    So yesterday was my 26th birthday.. ive been with my partner now for 4 years. Our 4 year anniversary was 2 weeks ago. So lets take it back a year.. last year for my birthday, my partner didnt get me a bday present. I got super upset and constantly asked him About it. He kept saying “dont worry babe its coming” then he was saying “oh dont worry babe I’ll organise matching tattoos for us” instead that never happened but he end up getting a full back tattoo a few months later. He said “I’ll just get you an extra good present next year”
    So back to this year.. pur anniversary is coming up and im getting excited that we have made it 4 years.. i ask my partner if he has anything planned. Hr tells me he has an awesome suprise for me also hinting some sort if holliday. My hopes are high.. i cant wait to see what it is.. our anniversary lands on a day we have to go away for an event but i male sure i go and get some lovley gifts and a card to give him before we leave.. and i wake uo early suprise him with my gifts and i get.. nothing he tells me his been to busy with his business and he will get me something amazing for me bday which is in 2 weeks.
    Fast forward it is currently the day after my bday and i didnt get anything.. just more promises and excuses about being so busy! I know gifts arnt the most important thing. But i just dont feel appreciated at all! Expecially when i go to so much effort for him. Im starting to ignore him and give him the cold shoulder.. am i overreacting? How should i approach this situation with him?

    #716776 Reply
    redessa
    redessa
    Participant

    On the one hand, it’s super tacky of you to be “constantly” asking him for a present. I wouldn’t want to get you anything after that – ever.

    On the other hand, he’s being a really crappy boyfriend to keep promising you things and not following through. It would show a lot more integrity if he told you straight up that he hasn’t gotten/planned anything. I’m curious what your reaction would be if he did that? I’m guessing not good which is why I’m somewhat willing to cut him a little slack if he is otherwise thoughtful & considerate in every other aspect of your relationship.

    #716777 Reply
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    Lexi

    Is it only your birthday and anniversary gifts he forgets or does he never get anything? Also does he give his mom gifts birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas. Is he not a gift giver, if he is not your overreacting. Either way he doesn’t understand your need to be appreciated with a gift. Don’t stress yourself out

    #716780 Reply
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    Cookie
    Member

    My opinion is you should look into y’alls love language. Literally Google love language and learn about it. Your love language could be that you need to be shown physically that someone cares for you. And that is okay!! Also, you have pointed out to him several times that you look forward to your birthday and anniversary but he seems to be ” too busy”. You need to tell him point blank that you would like be treated on those dates. Do not hint around. Also it is important for a person not to settle with “eh happiness.” Did he do these things in the beginning? Also, I cant help that perhaps he might be a selfish person per the y’all were gonna get tattoos together as an anniversary/bday gift but he wanted to get a bigger one so it was between y’all getting tattoos together or he getting a tattoo.

    #716791 Reply
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    MMR

    I definitely agree that there are different ‘love languages’ out there, but she’s been very clear that this is important to her: her reaction last year plus her reaction two weeks ago means that there is absolutely no excuse for him to have literally nothing for her on her birthday.

    If he’s made it to a grocery store in the past two weeks he could have picked up flowers and a card. The problem here isn’t that he doesn’t know what she wants, it’s that he couldn’t be bothered and THAT is a problem.

    If you stay with him, you’re in for more of the same. MOA.

    #716793 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    It’s not so much that he isn’t giving gifts. It’s that he’s promising big gifts and celebrations and then doesn’t follow through. That’s just cruel. And/or irresponsible and immature.

    This is what you can expect, for every birthday and anniversary in the future. Only you can decide if the good things he brings to your life are worth being hurt like this every year.

    #716794 Reply
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    anny21
    Member

    I second the Love Languages thing. I also agree that it is tacky to ask and expect presents, more so asking- if someone was constantly reminding me, asking me and saying things about gifts or expectations of such it would ruin it for me and I would not want to do anything. I do love receiving and giving presents, and with that being said I had an ex boyfriend that once I vocalized this or showed dissapointment he did the exact opposite- he was a d*ck in that sense, but some people lose that motivation to do something kind for you when you’re turning it into something materialistic. I do also think he is being crappy for promising things to you and not putting some thought into something- like others have asked, has he always been like this? Have you been extra needy about getting gifts, because if you have that will push him further away. Does he show his love in other ways? Is it possible that you both just have two different ways of showing love? You have to remember that every person is different in how they show love, that is why looking into te love languages is important! I would try to have a causal talk with your boyfriend after some time of NOT mentioning the gift, or lack thereof. Where you just express how you appreciate things like that, and why you do- not because it is a material object but because its something personal from him and you love that. Also remember to appreciate the other things that he is doing for you. If he isn’t doing much of anything else, then you may need to re-evaluate if your needs are being met.

    #716796 Reply
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    Leslie Joan

    You’re not overreacting. And honestly, the fact that he was going on about his and hers tattoos, and then just went out and got himself a splashy one, is a slap in the face.

    As to suggestions that he might be digging in his heels because he’s tired of being reminded about gifts, I couldn’t disagree more. Everyone tells couples that they need to communicate about what’s important to them. She’s done that; she’s doing that. And his response is just to promise big, and build it up, and string her along, and then do nothing. He could just do the nothing, without the buildup, if he doesn’t want to do anything. The buildup is an especially cruel touch. If he doesn’t like to be “nagged” then HE could communicate, and simply say so. He doesn’t. So he’s immature and uncommunicative at best, or a selfish dick at worst.

    While there may be some merit to the point about the Love Languages, and this is something that only the LW can figure out for herself, it’s important to remember that there are people whose affection extends mostly to themselves, because they are self centered, inconsiderate people. And if his behavior bugs you now, just imagine how you’ll feel in 10 years, with a kid that he’s stringing along and making miserable.

    #716801 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    If something like gift-getting is important to you, then you have to communicate that clearly rather than constantly nagging your boyfriend about where your gift is.

    That said, your boyfriend should know by your constant asking that this is important to you and yes, it’s crappy that he promises things and doesn’t deliver. Since your birthday and anniversary are so close, it sounds like you must’ve had some kind of conversation very, very recently about gifts, and he still didn’t get you anything for your birthday yesterday. Right? This is his pattern. He either doesn’t care that it’s important to you or is too lazy to do something. Either way, it’s likely to be what the future with him is like. So, are you okay with this? If not, move on.

    I’m not great at getting boyfriends gifts on time, but I’m pretty big on “just because” gifts. I had a boyfriend who would sulk when his birthday or Christmas gifts were late. His behavior was obnoxious because moping is an immature way to say, “Hey, your behavior bugs me,” — and because I was otherwise a fairly thoughtful girlfriend when it came to gift-giving. BUT, I pretty quickly picked up on the fact that it was important to him and became better at planning.

    #716802 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    My issue about love languages (here and in the other letter from today) is that I think sometimes it can be something that thoughtless people can hide behind. If someone doesn’t give a lot of gifts, but they are good at showing their love in other ways, that’s one thing. If they promise gifts and then don’t follow through, sort of as a way to appease their partner, then that’s different. He’s creating this dynamic where whenever he says he is going to do something, she is not going to believe him. That does a number on a person’s perception of how their partner feels about them. I have friends who aren’t big gift people, but you can easily see their other love languages shine through. They make an effort to spend time together, they say things that make you feel valued, they are always ready to lend a hand. It’s possible this guy does those things and the LW didn’t mention it, but it’s possible he doesn’t.

    To me, this speaks more to him being unreliable and sort of unempathetic. I’d have a hard time putting energy into this relationship if it were me. I don’t think it’s going to get any better. Even if it’s a love languages issue, if the partners can’t find a way to make the other person feel their love languages in a valuable way, then it still makes them incompatible.

    #716805 Reply
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    Northern Star

    It is absolutely NOT “tacky” to ask for a gift or a fuss of some kind from your life partner on your birthday. For Pete’s sake, how many LWs get scolded for not telling their partners when something is really important to them? And feeling like you matter to someone on your birthday is a totally reasonable thing to care about.

    Honestly, if you are the kind of person who digs in his heels and refuses to do ANYTHING AT ALL when your partner asks you for something COMPLETELY NORMAL AND STANDARD like a gift on her freakin’ frackin’ birthday, then you should take a hard look at yourself. Most people don’t need to be told to acknowledge a birthday. This idiot proved he won’t lift a finger on his own, and he won’t lift a finger even when specifically told how much it matters to his long-time girlfriend.

    Sadly, LW, your boyfriend didn’t write it. I think you’re justified in thinking he doesn’t appreciate or value you. If I were you, I’d start evaluating whether this is a pattern of behavior—because when it comes to special occasions, you now know you can expect zero effort.

    #716807 Reply
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    Janelle

    As I sit here wondering where the special birthday gift is that was supposedly purchased for my birthday two weeks ago. I didn’t ask. He bragged about it. It can suck. It does suck. I also agree about the love languages thing. However I also agree that if you know someone cares about something and you love them that you accommodate.

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