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Am i overreacting about my partner of 4 years?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Am i overreacting about my partner of 4 years?

This topic contains 40 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by avatar Bittergaymark 1 week, 4 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 41 total)
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  • #716808 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    I’m with Northern Star and Leslie Joan on this one. If you can’t ask your partner of four years that you really would like to receive a gift on important occasions, who can you ask? The fact that he promises big and delivers zero shows that he doesn’t care about the lw’s feelings. Personally, I’d MOA.

    #716810 Reply
    redessa
    redessa
    Participant

    Of course you can and should let your partner know how you’d like to celebrate special occasions. What was tacky was for her to then “constantly [ask] him about it.” She has every right to be dissappointed if he failed to acknowledge her b-day, but that’s not what she said. She said she got pissed because he didn’t get her a present.

    Maybe I’m misreading things a bit, but she came off to me as an entitled princess. Which is tacky.

    Not that that excuses him from being a dipwad for not delivering on his promises. I just think theres room for improvement on both sides.

    #716815 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    @redessa That stuck out to me, too, and I agree with you that it’s tacky to nag about a gift. It’s not a great way to communicate that you are disappointed and that gifts on special occasions are important to you. Doesn’t excuse him from being insensitive when he KNOWS it’s important, but pestering is tedious.

    #716816 Reply
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    MMR

    If my SO didn’t acknowledge my birthday, I would say something about it. If his response was “don’t worry, it’s coming!” I would probably follow up a few times. I don’t think it’s entitled, I just think it’s naive to expect him to change.

    Also, the idea that “if you ask, then you shouldn’t get anything” is unbelievably juvenile. It punishes people for being vocal about what they want (something that many a poster has been chastised for NOT doing), and is the ultimate excuse for lazy, selfish people to never do anything for anyone else. It’s possible that she was nagging a bit, but I think it’s justified by his indifferent, selfish behaviour. Her only mistake has been sticking around to do it.

    #716818 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    He sucks. After four years he knows this is important to you and that he needs to do something. And I’m sure that he has every intention of doing something grand and wonderful but maybe the effort is just too hard and he’ll never get it right and no matter what he doesn’t it just won’t be good enough.

    So you need to decide if this is a deal breaker.

    Do you have a narrow view of perfect or does he ascribe that to you because it’s a great excuse to not do anything?
    Does he do things for you the rest of the time that are thoughtful or does he always put himself first? Do you go to restaurants he likes or that you both like? Does he leave the last brownie, beer, whatever for you or does he take it without asking if you’d like it?
    Does he treat other people like this? Does he take his buddies out for a concert and drinks on their birthdays? Buy his mom a nice gift basket and flowers?

    What are you getting out of this relationship or have you been in it so long that you just don’t want to deal with moving on?

    #716819 Reply
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    Northern Star

    Oh please. It’s not “nagging” to remind your partner that he promised a gift—especially when he obviously makes a choice that proves he had no intention of following through (back tattoo).

    I just really don’t understand how anyone can read this letter and not think the guy is a self-centered ass.

    #716821 Reply
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    Vathena

    My biggest takeaway from this is that LW probably dodged a bullet when he didn’t follow through on the his ‘n’ hers tattoos. And otherwise, yeah, he sounds like a jerk. Perhaps “constantly asking” about one’s birthday gift is not the best way to go about communicating, but it must have been clear to him that it was something important to her.

    #716836 Reply
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    Ron

    This is not different love languages. This is his way of communicating that he just isn’t as committed to the relationship as she is. Hes painted a very clear picture several times now and she has stayed with him. I don’t think he’d care much if she got upset enough to just MOA, but for now, he’s declared his independence through multiple episodes of this birthday/anniversary celebration issue and she has chosen to stay with him, so from his perspective, he’s obviously committed enough and considerate enough to meet her minimum standards and is willing to stick it out as long as LW will accept current relationship on his terms. I mean it’s one thing to just forthrightly tell her that he isn’t into gifts between an adult couple and quite another to pull the same pattern multiple times: I’m getting you something, I was busy and your present will be late but don’t worry I’ve planned something GREAT, to oops but next year will be SUPER STUPENDOUS just wait and see how THRILLED you are going to be, to double oops didn’t get a gift again but just wait for GREAT. This isn’t an accident, it is a deliberate message — LW just isn’t willing to accept the very clear message he’s sending: she’s okay for now, but he doesn’t love her and won’t extend himself at all to keep her. Face the truth and MOA>.

    #716838 Reply
    redessa
    redessa
    Participant

    @MMR literally no one is saying she shouldn’t get anything because she asked for it. There’s a difference between asking and nagging. It is totally appropriate to express to your partner what you need want and expect and to remind them of that on occasion. For example, the LW brought up their anniversary ahead of time to see if he had anything planned. That’s great. But it would be a big turn off (for me) to have someone “constantly” demanding a gift for what sounds like months.

    This is in no way means her bf is off the hook for making promises he doesn’t deliver on. The tattoo thing was a clear slap in the face. Whether it was an intentional dig or he’s that selfish & inconsiderate, there’s really no good way of looking at it.

    Maybe he’s a selfish ass, or maybe he’s one of those people with big intentions they can’t ever seem to make happen. In my opinion, they both sound immature or at least lacking in communication. I don’t think we know enough to say she needs to MOA vs being something they can work on.

    #716839 Reply
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    SpaceySteph

    I am usually the first person to say that adults make too big a deal about their bdays and presents, but even I have to agree that this is pretty shitty. Boyfriend keeps promising big things and never delivering. That’s not about a different love language, its douchebaggery.

    OP, I would not wait around another year to see if he figures out how to get a good gift for the 5th anniversary.

    #716843 Reply
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    Northern Star

    What IS the difference between asking and nagging, redessa? If you ask for something because you’re upset and it’s very important to you, and your partner agrees to “fix” things—are you then not allowed to follow up?

    #716847 Reply
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    MMR

    @redessa It’s not a direct quote from someone on here (I shouldn’t have used quotation marks), it’s a general attitude that anny21 alluded to. Leslie Joan picked up on it too.

    My point is, the fact that she asked about it several times (possibly nagged about it), is irrelevant because this guy has been promising and failing to deliver on multiple occasions. If he didn’t want to be nagged, he should have lived up to his promises, or flat out told her she shouldn’t expect presents on their anniversary or her birthday because he doesn’t do that, regardless of how it makes her feel.

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