Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Anyone going on awesome dates?

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  • #369307 Reply
    veritek33
    veritek33
    Participant

    I’m so glad he makes you smile KTfran, that’s so awesome.

    So can I ask for a bit of advice or opinions?

    What shall we call him? (Lawyer guy/Mercedes guy/Ham sandwich?)
    Okay, so this was a set up, and we are slowly getting to know each other, and Wednesday will be our 7th date. Would it be completely inappropriate for me to ask in some sort of non threatening way if he’s enjoying this time as friends or if he’s enjoying these as dates? Since it wasn’t an online thing I’m never sure what their “intentions” are or whatnot. Especially since we haven’t kissed (pretty sure I blew that opportunity on the last date and he’s just hard to read).

    So should I ask in person at the date Wednesday? Or no? via text? What should I say?

    Cuz I likes him and he makes me smile and I’d rather find out now if it isn’t going anywhere.

    #369308 Reply
    avatar
    AF

    Well has he hinted at exclusivity in any way?

    #369310 Reply
    avatar
    Kate

    My two cents:

    It IS taking it reeeeeallly slow for there to have been 6, going on 7, dates and no lip-kiss and no weekend date.

    He also tends to suggest things like lunches and seems to want keep his weekends blocked off (maybe he truly does have plans with friends every weekend this summer, maybe he has another reason for avoiding weekend dates, such as he’s seeing someone else but not exclusively yet, or he’s not ready to take your dating to that level – yet.)

    When given options (home-cooked meal or ice-cream), he chooses the most benign/innocent option, and on a weeknight.

    And you’ve done a lot of the asking-out, maybe more than he has, although he is certainly responsive to your suggestions and keeps agreeing to get together.

    If you look at all of that as a whole, it MAY suggest he wants to keep things platonic, or isn’t ready to escalate yet for whatever reason. There doesn’t seem to be escalating progress re: physicality, ramping up to more intimate date times and settings, etc.

    So I don’t think it would hurt to ask something like, hey, whatcha looking for? I don’t know if I’d specifically say “are we just friends?” but more like feel him out as to what he would like and if he sees this going anywhere.

    And NOT via text. I think you need to have that conversation – keep it light, keep it cas – in person.

    #369312 Reply
    avatar
    Kate

    Or if you’re feeling weird about just asking, another way to find out if it’s going anywhere is to pull back a bit as far as asking out/suggesting dates, and see what he does. He knows you like him, and you’ve asked him out several times, so it doesn’t feel like game-playing to me to sit back a bit right now and watch what he does. You ARE wondering, and if you take your hands off the wheel for a bit I think he’ll show you.

    #369313 Reply
    veritek33
    veritek33
    Participant

    @AF no he hasn’t said anything about exclusivity.

    I do agree that in person is way better than via text.

    #369314 Reply
    avatar
    ktfran
    Participant

    I agree with Kate. I think bringing it up casually in conversation is a great idea. No pressure. Kind of like a hey… what are you looking for… let him know you’re interested kind of way.

    I botched up a first kiss with the “kid.” And we both thought we were friend zoned. We still hung out… and eventually we figured out that we were both interested in something more. So, what I’m saying is, even though it sucks putting yourself out there, it’s ok to be open or a little forward otherwise you’re constantly second guessing yourself.

    #369315 Reply
    avatar
    Kate

    One other thought… Sometimes when a guy you’re dating seems interested but doesn’t take things to a more physical/intimate place, it may be because they’re still kind of involved in / not over a past relationship. Like the ex is still in the picture somehow, and they’re trying to sort that out before moving forward. That has happened to me. I’m not sure how likely it is here, and I know you said there’s no evidence on his FB of any relationships recently, but you never know if he’s sanitized it. Anyway, it’s a possibility. He does seem to be actively keeping this slow, and there’s got to be some reason behind that. MAYBE this is how he always operates, maybe there’s someone else in the picture, maybe he’s still deciding if he’s into you, who knows. It certainly makes sense to feel it out in conversation given the cues he’s sending.

    #369316 Reply
    veritek33
    veritek33
    Participant

    So if I said something along the lines of

    “So we’ve been hanging out for a month now and I was just curious if you were looking at this more as a friendship or something more?” – would that be appropriate?

    #369317 Reply
    avatar
    Kate

    PS – happy for you, KTFran!

    #369320 Reply
    avatar
    Kate

    I think that would work ok, but I might frame it more as “we’ve been seeing each other on the regular, and I really enjoy spending time with you, and what I’m looking for at this point in my life is really a dating relationship that will progress toward exclusivity. Are you looking for that as well, or something else?”

    #369321 Reply
    avatar
    ktfran
    Participant

    Hmm, I’m not sure I would even voice those two options. Maybe something more like…

    “I’ve really enjoyed our dates over the last month and would like things to continue to progress. What are you thinking? Maybe even have an idea ready for a planned saturday or sunday date and suggest an upcoming weekend.

    #369322 Reply
    avatar
    ktfran
    Participant

    Ooh, I like Kate’s too!!!!

    And also, thank you Kate!

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