Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Anyone going on awesome dates?

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This topic contains 5,625 replies, has 76 voices, and was last updated by avatar TheHizzy 1 day, 3 hours ago.

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  • #693919 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    @mylaray, my therapist had me do the same thing after a really shitty, long distance, kind of FWB but not thing. I made a list of what I was looking for in a partner, we discussed those items and why they were on my list so I had a deeper, better understanding of what I was looking for and it worked. It helped me make better decisions and weed people out a lot faster than I normally would have.

    I, too, still have my list and my fiance more than fits the bill. While moving into our new condo and weeding out junk, I decided to keep it. I don’t want to ever lose site of who I am or what I want.

    #693922 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    @veritek To be honest, I do feel bad knowing many guys on online dating sites probably pick up the tab for drinks or dinner, just to get shot down or ghosted. I know we’ve had discussions about who pays on first online dates on this thread, and a lot of us here either do pay for ourselves or are at least fully prepared to, but I do wonder if that’s not the norm. That said, that’s not an excuse for standing someone up. If it’s a legit concern, don’t set up dates in the first place!

    I almost went on a last-minute first date on Saturday. I had morning/afternoon plans with a friend, but my evening was wide open. I got a message on Tinder and when it turned out we both had nothing going on, we decided we should get drinks. He told me he had dinner plans, and he miscalculated timing, so I suggested rescheduling. He apologized for the poor timing. I don’t feel too badly about it or inconvenienced since I didn’t have other plans. We’ve been texting a little, and it turns out we live a couple blocks apart, so I’m hopeful we can reschedule soon. Lately the trend seems to be guys who are fine chatting but who suck at continuing the conversation. (Like, I’ll ask questions to try to get a conversation going and they’ll answer, but won’t ask me any questions in return.) I know they’re strangers to me and it’s all very low-investment, especially at the text stage, but I stop trying with those guys pretty quickly.

    #693925 Reply
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    MissDre

    @Copa don’t you just hate that? SO many guys out there just can’t carry a conversation.

    But then again, I know guys who say the same thing about girls on Tinder. So maybe it’s just one of those dating app things.

    #693942 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    I mean, it can be hard with the apps to get a conversation going. If I’m trying to start a conversation, I’ll try to comment on something from a profile blurb or a photo. I really hate when men don’t even write a few sentence about themselves because it makes the first message that much harder, but I never just say “Hey, what’s up?” But once we’ve established contact and have exchanged some small talk and pleasantries, if the guy can’t think of a single question to ask me, I find it off-putting. And it’s not even that I want to have long, involved conversations by text — just a quick screening before we meet. Ha.

    #693943 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    Oh, and I think I’ve mentioned on here that I signed up for Match and paid up-front for several months and am hating that whole experience. I’ve noticed that a lot of messages I get start off the exact same way. Like, “Hey there. I notice you like [insert interest here]. [Insert question about interest here]?” I guess Match suggests opening lines to users, so I roll my eyes any time I get a “hey there” message. I also happen to find that formula forced/unnatural, even for something that’s a little awkward like coming up with a good first message on online dating sites. (One guy’s message said, “Hey there. I see you like coffee and conversation. If we met up for coffee and conversation, what would you want to talk about?”) There was once a day where two guys in a row sent me literally the exact same message. Yikes.

    #693944 Reply
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    Ale
    Member

    @Veritek I don’t know if I would have answered the texts, I would have been curious to know why he set up a date in the first place or I would have scolded the guy. Or maybe if I was interested, I would have told him that I would be paying for my meal. I think there are a lot of possible interpretations of his texts, he could be dissapointed due to past dates. Not cool to text someone you don’t know at 3 am. But then again, he could have been regretting standing you up.
    I texted that german dude last week to set up a coffee date. He never answered. So, bye.
    Three weeks ago my ex boyfriend’s dog died. I loved that dog, and he did too. He cried his eyes out, or so he says.
    Anyways, we weren’t talking but I didn’t have him blocked or anything. He told me at work that his dog had died, since he knew how much I loved that dog. We started talking and texting regularly. Then last week we went for coffee. He told me he really misses me. Also told me he is in therapy, and has been going weekly. He says he wants a life with me and that he always has but our relationship had become too much for him and we were fighting a lot and he couldn’t stand it. I told him that I would think about it. I miss him too and I am not over him yet. But I don’t want to get back together without a plan or knowing what went wrong. I also wouldn’t want to think that all of this is because of grief, which he says is not. He agreed we need more time apart but this is all new to me. I didn’t know he felt that way.
    I am going to the beach with friends for a week starting Saturday and I can’t wait. I’ll have some time to think then.

    #693947 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    @ale, you needed to have him blocked. I’m really surprised you didn’t after all the really nasty and messed up shit he did to you.

    This is totally typical. He’s lonely and feeling bad about his dog. He’s got you reeled back in, pretty much completely. All you had to do was express your genuine sympathy about his dog. Now you’re basically dating him again, or getting dangerously close. Like you said, you don’t *know* what was wrong. I guarantee if you tried to give this another shot, it would feel kind of good for a very brief period of time, after which you’d find yourselves fighting even more than you did before, and he’d ditch you all over again because he once again couldn’t handle it. Are you going to let him do this to you again?

    Finally, a guy who sends texts saying he stood you up (!!!) because he’s afraid of dating and paying for dinner is a complete mess and you don’t respond to that under any circumstances. Interest in a guy like that is not a thing. Neither is scolding. No.

    #693948 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    OMG @ale NO!!! Couples who successfully get back together are the exception to the rule. Based on everything you’ve written here, I’m sorry, but getting back together sounds like a really stupid idea and it’s almost guaranteed you guys will not be the exception to the rule. I know it’s hard and you miss him (that’s normal!), but omg just no.

    #693949 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I mean, honestly, look, I know where this is going, I’ve seen it countless times, I’ve BEEN there (only I was always the dumper). I know what you’re going to do. I won’t say I told you so, but I feel compelled as the voice of shitsperience to tell you what’s going to happen.

    #693952 Reply
    veritek33
    veritek33
    Participant

    @ale – I won’t be responding. And I have to kindly agree with the others – getting back together is a bad idea. I’ve been there and done that with no success. And the second break up was worse than the first. I’d advise against it.

    I always thought dinner or drinks was the cost of doing business while dating. For both sexes. Like of course I offer to pay and I always make sure I can cover my half so I don’t expect guys to pay for mine, it’s just nice when they do. Or at least when they offer. This guy lived two hours away so he suggested we meet in a mid point, which is exactly what I would have suggested. He suggested coffee or a drink, which would have been a very affordable date even if we didn’t split checks. The middle of the night texts were just really off putting and only happened after I deleted him from my bumble. Otherwise it’s not like he’d reached out in the last week. If he’s that scared of dating, he needs to get that figured out.

    #693953 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    I’ve gotten back together with an ex who dumped me. I’ll never do it again. Because you know what sucks more than being dumped once? Being dumped by the same person twice! What Kate said above about how at first it feels good to get back together, but then your problems resurface in a worse way? That was exactly my experience, and I doubt it’s uncommon.

    #693954 Reply
    Lianne
    Lianne

    Oh Ale, I am so sorry you’re back in this space with him. I haven’t commented much on it, but have followed along. I can tell you from experience, this is going to end up in the same place (you two not together) only if you go back down this path with him it’s going to take you exponentially longer to get over him and the hurt and the relationship that “could have been.” Please heed all of our advice and DO NOT GO THERE. When you’re still recovering from the end of a relationship, it feels so comforting and safe to go back to the familiar. And for a bit it may feel that way. But then it won’t be either of those two things and you will feel worse.

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