Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Bestfriend is inlove with me

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This topic contains 22 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Gabriel Dutra 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 23 total)
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  • #684848
    avatar
    Jess

    My male bestfriend just admitted that he is inlove with me and has been for almost a year.. I could tell he had some feelings for me for about 5 months but I never wanted to open up the topic until he did. When he finally admitted how much he loves me and how his feelings are taking over his life and his thoughts I assured him I didn’t feel the same way back but nothing between us would ever change, and that was exactly what he wanted; we both wanted our friendship to remain and act like he never said what he did. It has been 2 days since he told me he loved me and I’ve been acting like myself but yesterday he was acting so fucking different, he wasn’t being himself.. I asked him about 100 times why he was acting like that but all I got was “Im having a shit day”

    We usually speak to each other from the minute we wake up until we sleep, no matter how busy we are, theres always time to talk to each other, and yesterday we spoke for a total of 1 hour ALL DAY. I feel that he is trying to avoid me in any way possible and it hurts so much. I also mentioned to him that I dont want to make this whole thing more difficult on him and I have been through his exact situation and the only way to get over those feelings was to cut the guy out of my life COMPLETELY and he said that isn’t even an option for him…Its breaking my heart that this is happening between us, we both know so much about each other I dont want to ever lose our friendship, I value it so much.

    I just want some advice on what to do and how to act!!!! I feel like crying my heart out every time he talks to me and its different. I feel guilty that I dont feel the same way about him I dont know what to do ITS ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT. Please and thankyou x

    #684849
    avatar
    dinoceros
    Member

    It’s probably not going to be the same. You guys are close friends, but on his end, part of his behavior was likely due to having feelings for you. It doesn’t mean he didn’t value friendship with you, but I doubt he has as much interest in talking to you as often, etc., if he knows it’s not going anywhere. A lot of people who try to be friends with someone they are in love with tend to realize that they can’t have the same kind of friendship with them because they just feel really crappy being around the person and have trouble moving on if they are always there. It’s possible that after time has passed, he can still be a good friend, but I think it’s likely that the type of closeness you had before is probably ending.

    I don’t think you need to do anything. He’s got to decide for himself what type of friendship (if any) is right for him.

    #684850
    bittergaymark
    bittergaymark

    You need to COOL this friendship a bit. As somebody with a penchant for falling for their STR8 best friends A LOT in the 1990s… I can tell you, the HOPE… never dies. You are using him and his feelings by being THIS involved in his life. The friendship doesn’t have to end, but it will be best for everybody if you scale things back a bit.
    .
    This FABULOUS video is basically what your bestie is going through… only he playing the madonna role in this video… It’s one of her most underrated best songs. And a “rare” cover — Marvin Gaye — that I actually like.
    .
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ELCZqPgsUc

    #684851
    avatar
    Jess

    How am I using him and his feelings? We are both so involved in each others lives (I forgot to mention we are family friends also) so our families know each other extremely well. But I completely agree with having to cool down this friendship… Its just so difficult when you stop talking to someone you spoke to almost 24/7, its heartbreaking.

    #684853
    avatar
    Jess

    @dinoceros, Your reply made me cry.. everything you said was completely true and it just made me realise that things will never be the same again which breaks my heart so much. Thankyou for your advice x

    #684859
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    You using him is unintentional… but he is TOO there for you because he wants you to fall in love with him. You have been basking in the attention… and now that you know the reason for it, it would be cruel to simply continue…

    #684860
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    So much drama, so little insight. Have you ever loved someone? I’m guessing no because expecting your friendship to go back to normal and for his feelings to go *poof* after revealing them to you (and being roundly rejected!) is naive and bordering on cruel. My guess is BGM is saying that you are using his feelings for you to prop up your own self esteem. I’m inclined to agree. You know he wants you, you know you don’t want him. He’s taking the self preservation route and trying to put some distance between you. If you actually care about him at all let him do this–it’s what’s good for him.

    #684861
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Oops BGM clarified for himself.

    #684864
    avatar
    Jess

    @Juliecatherine I have been in love once before with my best friend at the time and it was the most difficult time in my life, but I’ve never had someone be in love with me and I really am appreciating all your help because I have no clue what to do in this situation. Everything you’re saying is correct.. I want things to go back to the way they were but now that he’s admitted his feelings and avoiding me I’m getting frustrated and annoyed at how things are changing which I KNOW is not right but I can’t help it. Do I just give him space? Its so hard for me to do that because we used to speak every second of the day..

    #684865
    bittergaymark
    bittergaymark

    Yes, you just give him some space. Look, as BAD as you feel… Hah! Trust me he is feeling way, way, wayyyyyyyyyyyyy worse.

    #684867
    avatar
    Essie
    Participant

    You have to give him space. Have to. Anything else would be selfish and cruel.

    Unfortunately, your friendship is probably over. At the very least, it’s going to change radically. You were just delaying the inevitable: you knew he was in love with you, and pretended that that wasn’t why he was being such a good friend. It couldn’t continue that way.

    #684930
    FireStar
    Firestar

    You can’t go back because what you thought you had – a platonic friendship – never existed. He had romantic feelings for you. And you knew. Because you were waiting for him to bring it up. The kinder thing to do when you knew how he felt about you and you knew you didn’t return those feelings was to put distance between you. To recognize he wasn’t your best friend. He was a suitor. To cool the relationship so he could reassess his feelings and his desire to confess. Would that suck for you? Losing a close relationship? Yep. But staying as close as you did and giving him the space to confess only to reject him is way worse for him. And worse for your friendship. It would have been easier to continue a friendship that had been temporarily cooled than it is to continue one a bomb has gone off in.
    I know it’s all high drama now. Sure – He can’t stand the thought of not talking to you because he loves you. But that will change. And when a new girl comes along he will give her the attention he gave you. Because it was never best friend attention – it was I’m interested attention.
    If you care about him then show kindness. Accept he is not your best friend. Do not communicate with him anymore than you would any other guy friend. Do not comment on how he is acting different. Of course he is. He should. So should you. Give him nothing but space. Don’t prolong this for him because of selfishness on your part.

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