This topic contains 48 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by Ange 4 months, 1 week ago.
October 10, 2017 at 12:52 pm #722968
Boo Berry Waffles
I agree with pulling public records. A secret marriage? This is real life, not a damned novel. I’d pull the records not just to get the facts but to also confirm that this man really is divorced.
He’s also apparently comfortable with lying, using your reactions as justification, which is some total bullshit gaslighting behavior. I’d bounce for that alone.October 10, 2017 at 12:58 pm #722969
I think the lie is weird but not uncommon. I think that we all have things that we hide from our SO’s due to embarrassment. He could be truly embarrased that he got married so young and for such a stupid reason. He may have thought that you would think less of him because of that so maybe that is why he hid it. I think couple’s therapy is a good start for you. You could look up to see if he is still married but I really don’t see the big deal here. Don’t get me wrong, lies are a deal breaker for me, but if you trust him and he hasn’t shown any other sign that he is disrespectful to you maybe it is true embarrassment what he felt.October 10, 2017 at 1:08 pm #722971
I agree that this is a weird lie. Saying he got married because it was “funny” and then acting like it’s utterly embarrassing is weird. Lots of people get married young for dumb reasons and it doesn’t work out!
But, to me, the bigger issue would be that he’s so comfortable lying to you and has shown he will do so repeatedly. And then to put the blame on you by citing your potential reaction as the reason why? None of this would sit well with me at all, even if the lie was totally different.October 10, 2017 at 1:12 pm #722972
Honestly, I think I’d say if you find out one more thing about this isn’t as he represented it, you should probably just walk. Like if he’s still married or there’s a kid, or there’s some other reason it was a “secret marriage” than it was a joke. You’d be justified to be done right now, if that’s what you’re feeling, but I probably wouldn’t even bother trying to fix this if you still haven’t gotten the whole story.October 10, 2017 at 1:22 pm #722973
Thanks everyone, for your thoughts and advice. I know I’m not thinking clearly right now so it’s good to hear your opinions. I guess I will first confirm marriage/divorce dates and hear more about his reasoning for the marriage. And then decide on if counselling or a clean break is best.October 10, 2017 at 1:49 pm #722975
He will lie to your face about important things that he thinks will upset you. You just can’t trust a partner who will do that.October 10, 2017 at 2:58 pm #722980
Right, this is real life and not some badly-written TV show. “Art school punks” thinking it’s “funny” to have a legal relationship that few people know about — how is that side-splitting?! And what about when they filed their income tax returns for the year or two or however many years that they would have been Married, Filing Jointly? If they were students and both still living with parents, they would probably have been carried as dependents on their own parents’ returns. And how did the divorce supposedly go down? This sounds weird, shady, and totally improbable.October 10, 2017 at 3:08 pm #722982
If your partners first inclination is to lie and deceive you when asked a question, it’s almost certain it’s time to leave. How could you trust him again?October 10, 2017 at 3:11 pm #722984
I can imagine kids at art school having a secret marriage and thinking are special and cool.October 10, 2017 at 3:13 pm #722986
+ 1 for weird, shady, and improbable. I think someone who would lie and minimize until caught about something as simultaneously important yet irrelevant as an ill-advised youthful marriage is someone you should dump. There’s almost certainly another shoe waiting to drop here. Even if there isn’t you’re going to be watching and waiting for it.
Sorry this is so freaking stupid to lie about but it reveals an awfully disappointing side to your boyfriend’s character.October 10, 2017 at 4:41 pm #723009
I think the other shoe is the wife was pregnant and maybe miscarried so they didn’t stay married. (Unless you find out there is still a living child).But this is supposed to be real life and not a rom com. Sorry your going through this!October 10, 2017 at 4:47 pm #723010
I think it’s over. You can’t trust him. You will always be wondering what else he might be hiding.
As for secret marriages. I had a cousin who was in the military and living in barracks because he couldn’t afford the cost of off base housing where he was stationed. One evening he was out at a bar complaining about how much he hated living in the barracks. Someone introduced him to a young woman who was living with her dad while going to college and she was complaining about not being able to afford to move out of the house. (She had a tough situation where her step-mother treated her more as a servant than a family member. She wasn’t allowed to be in family photos, etc.) They got married the next day to get married couples housing. Since the marriage was to a stranger for housing and because both of them were dating other people they kept the marriage a secret. At some point they had both broken up with their partners and they started seeing each other and then became a couple. It only came out when he got out of the military and they decided to stay married. They had planned to get a divorce when he got discharged.