This topic contains 48 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by Ange 2 months ago.
October 10, 2017 at 5:59 pm #723017
I think whatever the reasons behind what he did he at least offered to go to counselling with you, that’s something isn’t it? So many partners we hear about on here refuse it so honestly that seems like a gleaming beacon of hope at this stage.
If it turns out he’s being truthful I would definitely take him up on that offer, there could be something salvageable.October 10, 2017 at 8:50 pm #723026
That’s the hardest thing to recover from, isn’t it? Someone lying to your face? Because how do you then trust anything they say? In counseling or out? The only true test is time. So now you have to give years of your life to the liar to see if you ever catch him in a lie again? You have to side eye everything until proven? Exhausting.
Walking from shared pets and an apartment is a lot easier than walking away from a husband with kids in the mix 10 years from now.
There are people comfortable with lying and people who aren’t. This isn’t your ass doesn’t look fat in that. This is deception for some twisted personal gain. And that’s dangerous in a relationship.
It’s a huge gamble to throw your lot in with a liar. If you had kids and were married I think I’d say therapy because while this particular lie is stupid the ease of the lie is troubling and can undermine a relationship. Which is significant if kids are involved. But you are unfettered. I think building trust after poor behaviour is one thing… but building trust after deliberate deception is something else. Think about how many times you asked. And how many times he lied. And how comfortable he was doing it. Only you know what you are prepared to live with.October 11, 2017 at 3:41 am #723037
Maggie, is he a flake about other things? Does he have a pattern of trying to weasel out of any task or activity that he doesn’t like? Does he make excuses for things he failed to do? I’m just wondering if there’s any pattern of avoidance with him. The thing that is the most disturbing to me is that, even when he was being confessional and supposedly honest about the marriage, he lied about the length and claimed to have “forgotten”, while admitting that he was trying to minimize it. That’s some serious avoidance on his part, so I’d probably be looking to see if it’s a trend in considering what to do going forward.
Lying is a huge concern, but it’s the second lie and the smoke he was blowing at you that seems the most telling. I’m honestly not sure if I would be able to trust anything he said in counseling.October 11, 2017 at 7:55 am #723046
The lie is bad but the inability to own one’s mistakes is the red flag for me. OK, so he was married for a couple of years. It means he made a decision, it wasn’t the right decision and he figured that out. But he didn’t treat it that way – did he?
When he’s wrong about something – does he admit it?
I just get the sense that if he got fired, he’d still leave for “work” every day and go to the movies or the park or something. Or if he broke something special to you he’d blame a pet or a cleaning person or something.
I don’t know if I could stay.October 11, 2017 at 10:23 am #723061
A girl I used to know was dating a guy that had been married before. She knew about that, as he had two sons from that (his second) marriage but he never confided about his ‘first’ marriage to her. I knew about it and assumed he had told her, didn’t seem like a big deal when I brought it up once, she had no idea and was pretty upset by it only for the fact that he never told her. She never told him she knew about his first marriage and they went on dating. As far as I know he never brought it up and she didn’t either, and they ended up getting married. I don’t think they knew each other all that long, maybe 1.5 years from dating to married but I would not be surprised if she’s still holding on to that info. Bizarre.October 11, 2017 at 11:24 am #723067
I mean, I dunno, I’ve never been married before, so it’s hard for me to speak from experience. Part of me thinks if I’d been married for a year at 18, I wouldn’t be talking about it much now 10+ years later. Buttttt, since I think it’s fairly normal to know about your partner’s significant exes — not the details or every last person they dated while single, but just, y’know, “my boyfriend dated his ex for three years” kinda information — it seems so odd to me that it could ever not come up. If a relationship leads to even a short marriage, I can only assume it was a significant relationship at the time. So to not even mention it, not even once in a “we were young and made a mistake” kinda way? Or to bring up one past marriage but not another one? I’d find it a bit odd.October 11, 2017 at 11:34 am #723068
Hey Leslie Joan, yes, he is really flaky and forgetful. He actually does have ongoing memory issues so he tends to need to schedule/write everything down or he will forget. It may have to do with him having ADHD, I’m not sure. It’s been a source of irritation in our relationship for sure, but wasn’t ever at the point of being a dealbreaker for me. However, his avoidance of tough situations and conversations had become more of a struggle for us recently. For example, he stayed super late at a school event a few weeks ago but didn’t let me know he was going to be late because he thought I’d get mad. So it’s definitely a personality trait, but what scares me is the doubling down on lying about his past. I feel like his cowardice and comfort with lying is an insurmountable personality issue that is just beyond repair.October 11, 2017 at 11:38 am #723069
Maggie,I am so sorry this happened but I have to say it’s incredibly refreshing to have a LW who isn’t hell-bent on ignoring red flags. Good luck to you no matter what you decide.October 11, 2017 at 11:43 am #723070
Thank you @juliecatharine that’s really nice of you to say. I’ve been through a lot of tough stuff in my life so I am conscious of not tolerating this kind of behaviour from people who are close to me. It’s just so sad to have the rug pulled out from under you when you finally think life has gotten to a good spot. Anyways, onwards and updwards. I’m pretty dang resilient 🙂October 11, 2017 at 12:27 pm #723075
Ohhh, wow. The flakiness would be one thing, but a pattern of lying and avoidance *because he thinks you would get mad* is a huge problem. Unless it is grounded in reality? Um, DO you flip out on him if he’s late? If you have a pattern of going off on him for every little thing, then he would have been trained to avoid, and the problem is both of yours and would call for counseling. I don’t get the sense that you do go off, and if my read is correct, then it’s his issue.
Avoiding “because he thinks you will get mad,” if that’s not your pattern, is a humiliating way to deny your agency. As I’m fond of saying, give me a chance to prove I’m an asshole before you just assume it. 😉 It would be like dealing with a little kid, not an equal partner.
And Maggie, I’m impressed with you.October 11, 2017 at 12:44 pm #723077
@maggie – yup – super impressed by your thoughtfulness on this issue. I’m with Leslie Joan on this… he’s assuming your reaction and then avoiding the conflict leaves you impotent. Avoiding issues doesn’t make the issues go away – and it can make them so much worse. Think about not paying off a loan, mortgage or bill. I’d be mad if my partner couldn’t or forgot to pay the mortgage and asked me to cover it. I’d be pissed beyond belief if they hid it from me until we were at the point of foreclosure.October 11, 2017 at 1:26 pm #723078
I still thinks there are other sides to this.
“However, his avoidance of tough situations and conversations had become more of a struggle for us recently.”
Why do you think this is happening? Why do you think that this is recent and didn’t happen so often before?
For the record, I don’t condone lying. He seems immature and not ready for a LTR.