This topic contains 48 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by Ange 4 months, 1 week ago.
October 11, 2017 at 1:43 pm #723079
@ale, maybe it’s become more of an issue recently because they just recently started living together? When you spend that much more time with a person, things can come to light like this. @maggie, I agree with others that his lying/avoidance may spell doom for your relationship. You seem pretty level-headed and not like you would fly off the handle at him for every little thing. If he doesn’t trust YOU enough to communicate, that’s a problem. You obviously can’t trust that he’s going to tell you important (or even unimportant) things. Also, I’d be hella more pissed if my husband was going to be late and DIDN’T let me know! Come on now!October 11, 2017 at 1:49 pm #723080
I can understand a little bit of non-disclosure in the earlier stages of a relationship, and that kind of avoidant stuff – thinking you’ll “get mad” – isn’t that uncommon (and not necessarily personal either, it could be a learned protective behavior from the past). But it’s not great, and it may not be something you want to put up with. I’m not sure it’s totally fixable.
THIS lie is a bad one though. You asked him, it sounds like more than once, about past marriages, and he outright lied. His explanation doesn’t add up, at least to me. I feel like if you kept probing, there’d be more there. Lying guys will usually tell you little bits of truth at a time when caught, but not the whole story.
If you CAN walk away, you probably should. 100% honesty all the time isn’t necessary, but this is messsed up.October 11, 2017 at 2:00 pm #723081
Some people do get really prickly about notions of independence, autonomy, and communication with loved ones. I dated someone for nearly two years who was just that kind of prickly and it was one of many factors that had me breaking up with him. If you’re living together, it’s a courtesy to let your partner know if you’re going to be late, so that they don’t worry or stay up. Assuming anger or control where there’s only caring and accommodation is a crappy response. Counseling may help, but if lies are the go-to response, it’s an enormous challenge.October 11, 2017 at 2:31 pm #723082
When I started reading, I was like, OK, well, some people are ashamed of short marriage when they were young, so I could see how he might not be upfront and so much time passes that it feels weird to bring up. But the fact that he misrepresented it again just makes him seem so childish. He comes across as someone who was raised in a family that had really bad communication, to where it was better to lie than to just talk to someone about something they may not like. But at his age, if you have that sort of baggage, you should have worked through it already or grown out of it. He really just comes across as super childish and not at all ready for a serious relationship. It’s unclear whether the real issue here is him feeling OK about dishonesty or his inability to cope with potentially difficult conversations. Both of them combined could set you two up for some bad situations down the road. The thing about him not saying he was going to be late is super weird because it’s not even allowing him to avoid discomfort — he knows you’ll eventually find out he’s coming home late. Not to mention that you don’t strike me as someone who would get mad at him for simply coming home late, so why does he think you’d be mad? If he did think you’d be mad, does he not realize you’d be mad either way (but more so by not telling you)?
I suppose you could look into counseling to work on the communication patterns, but he sort of sounds like the kind of person who would try to say that this situation is too small to merit counseling. But I think without fully understanding his thought process around this and him learning better ways to do things, this situation isn’t going to be fully resolved.October 11, 2017 at 2:33 pm #723084
Ale and Vathena, yes, moving in together has definitely been hard on us. He went from living at home (and a previous 3 or 4 year stint with a roommate) to living with me. He has struggled with doing his fair share of the housework, letting me know when he’s coming home, etc. I’ve lived with a partner before, and this is his first time. He’s had it pretty easy with family taking care of him whenever he wants/needs, whereas I have the opposite situation and have always been completely independent. So yes, his immature behaviour have gotten on my nerves and I’ve definitely gotten upset with him for things he’s done. I’m sure I’m biased but I feel like most of the times I’ve been upset with him, it’s been warranted. So I don’t think it justifies the lying and avoidance. Especially since we had chats re: previous relationships long before we moved in together and started experiencing these issues. I’m known amongst my friends and colleagues as being calm, kind and level-headed, so maybe the bf and I are just a bad personality match. Thanks again all for the kind words and thoughtful opinions, it’s really helping me to examine the whole situation.October 11, 2017 at 2:36 pm #723085
@dinoceros exactly, the coming home late thing really threw me for a loop because of course I’d see him come in late, so why did he not send a quick text when he was at the event to give me a heads up? It’s strange and disrespectful.October 11, 2017 at 2:41 pm #723086
Oy. Yeah, I know it’s really hard, but I think you need to move on. The lying, the flakiness, the avoidance of confrontation, the cowardice — these are all really, really big deals. They are not easily or quickly “fixed.” And they do not lend themselves to happy and successful relationships. As hard as it is to disentangle your lives, it will be so much easier to do so now as opposed to later, after you’re married and maybe have kids, and more shared assets. I’m sorry.October 11, 2017 at 3:19 pm #723090
There’s too much about this relationship to try to salvage half a year of living together. The immaturity, not doing his share of the chores and expecting to be pampered as his family pampered him, coupled with the evasions, lying, and just leaving you to worry about him when he is out late without explanation are just too much on the negative side. Everything else would have to be unbelievably positive to even consider it balancing out the negative. Don’t be that desperate person who clings to a failed relationship out of inertia or fear of not being able to do better.October 11, 2017 at 4:04 pm #723102
Reading about this made me remember something that happened when I was just starting college and was still living at home, and was doing housecleaning for my favorite aunt to earn some money. I’d groused a bit about having to tell my folks when I was expected home (and in retrospect, it was absurd because they never objected, it was just common courtesy). Well, my aunt reamed me a new one. She told me that she lived alone, and that if something happened to her it could be days before anyone noticed, and I should be grateful that there was someone to notice and care. That taught me a lesson I never forgot. You’d think he’d have learned that lesson by 31.
He’s acting like you’re his mom. Really awfully immature. The overall picture is not good.October 11, 2017 at 5:02 pm #723106
This sounds a lot like my last relationship, you don’t feel like a girlfriend, but more like a mom, because you feel like you need to teach a grown ass man how to be an adult.
There’s nothing wrong with telling people how you like things done (“I would like for you to tell me if you’re going to be late) and usually adult persons are receptive to that kind of language. But when you have to tell them how to be in a relationship, that people normally tell their partners when they’ll be home out of courtesy and respect, and they don’t because youll be “mad”, that’s not a girlfriend, that’s a mom.October 11, 2017 at 5:04 pm #723107
He’s 31? Hell no, I missed that part. I thought he was like 23-25October 11, 2017 at 5:52 pm #723109
I would wonder if he hid the marriage from you because he still isn’t divorced. I know several people(one is an in law) who haven’t been with their exes in many years and have been in long term current relationships and they still aren’t divorced. They say they just haven’t “gotten around to it”.????