Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Boundaries Crossed

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by avatar Ron 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #722236 Reply

    My mother is a narcissist (I think). She was also verbally, mentally, and physically abusive. I grew up and moved out ASAP.
    In 2011, I called my mother and left a message saying thank you for raising me, I do not want a relationship with you right now, I will call you when I am ready.

    Last weekend, she showed up on my porch. I don’t know where she got my address, (she also doesn’t have my phone number or email address). I went into shock and invited her inside because I didn’t want to air my dirty laundry on my front lawn.
    I gave her a tour, and then we sat at my kitchen table and had a very surface level conversation for about 20 minutes. . She asked when I was having children, and I ignored it. I mentioned I had a dinner to go to and she left. I stayed calm and stayed in control of my emotions. I gave her my email address in hopes that she would not show up at my house again.

    I am unbelievably angry and distraught. The strongly built boundaries I put up have been broken. I do not want a relationship with my mother; it would be too much emotional work on my part and I don’t think it is worth it.

    My therapist can not fit me in until next week and I am at a loss of how to process and deal with this; and what do I do to prevent this from happening again?
    Thank you in advance.

    #722239 Reply

    I think when you’re dealing with people like this, you have to be firm and never give them any response. I totally understand why you were taken by surprise and invited her in, but in retrospect I don’t think you should have.

    Prepare a statement in case she shows up again. “As I told you, I do not want a relationship with you, and will call you when I am ready. Please leave now.” And firmly shut the door. If she starts making a scene outside, tell her you are calling your local police department to report a disturbance.

    You told her you would call her, and you really don’t want her emails in your inbox so block her address or set emails from her to go right into a folder.

    The conventional wisdom on this is that if she never gets any reaction from you, she’ll leave you alone. If she sporadically gets a reaction, she’ll keep bothering you exactly as much as she needs to to get a reaction.

    #722240 Reply

    Tell her she’s not welcome if she shows up. Specifically ask her to leave your property. Go back into your house, close and lock the door. If she doesn’t leave, call the police.

    She can say whatever she feels she must say on e-mail. Your choice how much to read and whether or not to respond. If you don’t like the tone of her e-mails you can ask her to stop e-mailing you and then ignore future e-mails. You can block her.

    You’ll hear from her again, at least by email. She visited you for a reason and apparently never got to that reason.

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