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Dear Wendy

“Boyfriend spends more than he makes”

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar Demitasse 5 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #673950 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy

    From a LW:

    I have a dilemma. I am dating a guy I truly enjoy spending time withbut am afraid of simmering to him due to his finances.
    When we initially met, he seemed like he was in a good place in life. He works in holistic sports medicine and has his own office and owns his own house and car. However, after getting to know him better, I’ve learned that due to the type of work and it not being well known or understood by most people it is hard for him to get clients on a regular basis. He also never got his college degree. He is a foreigner and in his country you go straight to medical school after high school. He never finished medical school. His parents appear to have money as they helped him buy a house and car in the US. He has been living in the US for 5 years and is a US citizen. I personally don’t feel his career and finances are where they should be at the age of 36. He has no mortgage, yet has has credit card debt . He enjoys nice things. For instance he is an avid road biker and owns three bikes, each costing more than $2000 each. He also like photography and purchased an expensive professional camera with accessories. Whenever a new iPhone comes out and Apple Watch comes out, he will buy it. He enjoys craft beer which is $7-8 per can. He refuses to drink anything else and has several of these beers on the weekend and cheaper beer during the week but still not the that cheap like bud or coors. I don’t understand how he has no concept or value for money especially when he has credit card debt. I owe it to the fact that his parents spoil him and still will pay for some of his bills.
    He is now back in college and wants to pursue medical school as he has always had a passion for sports medicine. To remind you he is 36 years old and has another 7 years to go before he is done with college and medical school. He is still making money while in school but I can’t see him keeping up with work and school especially while in medical school. He is a very smart guy and I know he can do it. I feel he just needed that extra push by me to make him go in the right direction.
    Now I’m not certain if I’m willing to sacrifice so many more years until he makes it. I am 35 and I want to start a family soon and I hate the feeling of knowing I will have to be financially supporting the family for the next several years. I’m a physician myself so I am capable but it would be nice to have some financial cushion of knowing my partner can financially help out if I did want to take a couple months off after giving birth. I’m also wary as to how we will raise kids if he’s busy with school and I’m supposed to be the breadwinner and maintaining a full time job.

    Is this hopeless and should I move on?

    #673952 Reply

    MOA. He seems like a interesting person & perhaps after 3/6 months of no or minimal contact you be friends. But you don’t entirely respect him & you want a more stable future. You’re 36 & physician, so you know that kids etc has to happen fairly soon & with the right person. ( PS I hate that age is a factor in fertility, but…)

    #673963 Reply

    MOA. Irrespective of his finally going to college/medical school and the large number of hurdles he would still have to pass to become a practicing physician… MOA because he has no financial responsibility. It has been nurtured by his parents constant financial cushion. Unless you plan to babysit his finances, his irresponsibility isn’t going to change.

    #673965 Reply

    I agree, if you’re looking for a stable partner, this isn’t it. Right now his lifestyle is being subsidized by his parents. If you marry him, do you think they’ll keep paying his bills? I doubt it. At that point his life will need to be subsidized by you. Instead of having a net contributor, you’ll be gaining a dependent. That might be ok if, for example, the plan was for him to be a stay at home parent while you work. But it sounds like he’s got grand plans for himself, plans which will cost money and which may not ever come to fruition. He already went to medical school and didn’t finish it. What makes you think he’ll do it this time? I think it’s just another way for him to kick the can down the road and have his parents give him more money (I assume they’ll be helping with his tuition).

    #673972 Reply

    And how much money do YOU have at 36, LW?

    #673977 Reply

    She said she’s a physician so she’s likely making good money but has loans to pay off and isn’t eager to take on a dependent.

    #673978 Reply

    Move on. You’re in different points in life.

    I’d never consider starting a family with a partner in med school. You know better than anyone that he won’t have any time for anyone but med school and then residency.

    @BGM–She’s not lamenting that he’s not wealthy enough. She doesn’t like that he doesn’t live within his means and that he’s planning to spend several hundred thousand dollars on a goal he already gave up on once.

    #673983 Reply

    Have you discussed any of this with him? If you’re in a place where you’re committed and really planning a future together and talking about marriage then I would think that you could openly discuss financial habits/priorities/timelines for families and what that means for the both of you. But it sounds more like you’re looking at this from the outside and trying to evaluate if this guys fits into what you’re looking for in a partner, without the whole love/committed relationship in place already. And if you’re not all “He’s my person, how can we figure this out” then I’d say MOA – it doesn’t sound like he’s the right fit for you.

    #673985 Reply

    Yeah – BGM it’s not unreasonable at all, even if you are a person who has a good salary yourself, to be concerned about getting hitched up with poor financial habits.

    I mean, even if she makes plenty on her own, if they merge lives financially he could ruin her finances too, you know?

    I’d be hesitant to commit to someone who is in their mid to late thirties and seems to spend frivolously. It would be one thing if he was saddled with a bunch of debt but had a plan to get out of it eventually, and was living in his means and best he could.

    #673989 Reply

    Plus with such large financial help from parents comes continued parental control and prolonged adolescence.

    #674001 Reply

    MOA – this guy will always spend more than he has. I know couples that each make six figures but have close to nothing saved because they have to have a new car, new TV, send the kids to private school, buy only designer clothes (never on sale), take pricey vacations, etc…

    It’s not about where he is in life, it’s that his priorities and ambitions don’t align with yours.

    #674786 Reply

    There is no love in this letter. There needs to be A LOT of love to support someone through school. MOA and find someone who is in the same place you are. Going back to school and having a bunch of man-toys does not read to me as someone looking for a wife and family right now.

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