This topic contains 11 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by osteller1 4 months, 1 week ago.
July 5, 2017 at 1:03 pm #692822
I have been having an affair with a married man for 5 years. During this time, he told me repeatedly he was going to leave his wife to be with me. His hold up was not wanting to be a part-time dad. About a month ago, I finally let go of him. Told him to rebuild his life with his wife, and thus not be separated from his child whom he loves very much. I then moved on and started dating a very nice man, who is NOT married, and we get along great. I see a future with him. However, over the wknd, the married man left his wife and says he is pursing a divorce. He wants to eventually build a “public” life with me….after the divorce…then after an additional year…so I’m guessing 18 months to 2 years before we can hold hands in public. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here with a new guy who holds my hand now. Truly, the only reason the married man finally left is because he cannot stand me moving on. I still love him very much, but I see a more immediate future with my new fellow. I’m 37 years old…I’ve wasted most of my 30s on this guy who repeatedly let me down, only now to have him finally up-heave his life after I’ve met and started to fall for someone else. What should I do?July 5, 2017 at 1:27 pm #692828
you need to let the married man go – seriously. you’re too old for this crap. not to mention, he hasn’t *actually* gotten a divorce yet. he’s holding a carrot out for you – it may not actually happen. ever. even if he’s going to get a divorce, eventually, he’s asking way too much from you.
as someone who had an affair (we were both married), and ended up marrying him myself, if that man *wanted* you for real, he would have left a long time ago – not strung you along like he did. he’s a dick. MOA.July 5, 2017 at 1:59 pm #692834
So, Mr Happypants now “says” he’s pursuing a divorce, and eventually, possibly, at some long distant point in the future, you might get to have a public relationship with him. That, of course, assumes that at some point in this long, lonnnng projected journey, he doesn’t (a) go back to his wife, (b) change his mind about pursuing future rainbows and unicorns with you, even if he has left his wife, (c) decide his kid hates you and you’ll just have to wait until the kid turns 30 or (d) all of the above.
Promises and a buck will get you a small coffee at McDonald’s.
You don’t want someone who only acts when he thinks he’s losing you. That is not the key to a happy future.
Let him twist in the wind. You made a smart choice to move on. And even if you weren’t dating anybody else nice now, you don’t need Mr.Happypants in your life. You aren’t responsible for his decision. That was his choice. And it’s a poor advertisement for his judgment, since he had lots of time before that and you have zero guarantee of anything he says.
Block him and let him take care of his own rearend.July 5, 2017 at 2:06 pm #692835
And I’ll bet you that within a couple of months he’ll be back at home, if he ever really moved out. You have nothing to gain from allowing his drama to affect you going forward.July 5, 2017 at 3:39 pm #692848
Why would you ever believe he will actually leave his wife for you? He doesn’t have the greatest track record for telling the truth and keeping his promises (case in point– the whole “’til death do us part” promise to his wife).July 6, 2017 at 7:02 am #692873
Having an affair with a known married man shows his character. To me it’s up to the person in the relationship to manage that, but if you *know* he’s married you should always assume he’s not going to leave the Mrs. You currently are dating someone who is available to you and likes you. If you’re still second guessing, if you should let this married guy manipulate you….maybe you shouldn’t be dating at all. You haven’t let go of him totally.July 6, 2017 at 8:18 am #692878
18 months to 2 years? I give you props for not laughing in his face.
You know what this sudden “in the process of divorcing” thing is about. He knows you’re moving on, and he’s trying to keep you on the hook, not dating, while he continues having it both ways for another couple of years. He’s stalling for time.
This is no different from all his other promises to leave her. And how do you know he’s not lying to you about the divorce? He’s been lying to his wife for 5 years.
You know what to do. Leave him to figure out his life, and you get on with your life. Sounds like you’ve got a good thing with this new guy. I bet if you checked back in 5 years, your affair partner will still be married to his wife, with another sidepiece.July 6, 2017 at 9:16 am #692883
I say move on from BOTH of these men. For five years, the married guy told you he was going to leave his wife and didn’t. Now he’s saying that after 1-2 years more of being in a secret relationship, you can go public. HOW ROMANTIC. Notwithstanding the fact that this guy cheated on his wife for FIVE years, I wouldn’t trust him and you said yourself that he let you down repeatedly during those five years. So I’d move on from that.
And the guy you’ve been dating deserves someone who doesn’t want to go running back to her married ex the second he starts dangling promises of a future in front of her again.
You’re almost 40. Get your shit together. Move on from the married dude, and date available men once you’re in a better state.July 6, 2017 at 6:28 pm #692968
So, if you did wait two years to be with this guy there is a very large chance that if you married him and had kids with him, had to deal with the responsibility if daily life with him the relationship may lose its appeal and he may end up cheating on you too.
Statistically when people marry the person they were having an affair with, it has a very, very low chance of turning out well.(If he ever leaves her at all.) MOA and don’t sleep with any more married men…it brings very bad karma. Besides, you should have a conscience about having a part in splitting up a child’s family. Stop eating crumbs off another woman’s table.Ya know?July 6, 2017 at 9:13 pm #692976
The one guy I knew who was going to leave his wife after his kid was finished school in two years… Is still with his wife 12 years later. I had a guy tell my friend he wanted to be set up with me – he was just breaking up with his girl. By girl he meant wife. And by breaking up he meant staying together. Some men say what is expedient.
All you know for sure about your ex is that he lies and he will lie to string you along. Five years is a long time.
Exactly how much of your life are you willing to waste?July 7, 2017 at 12:50 am #692987
exactly, how long are you gonna let someone decide your life and keep you dreams suspended in thin air? counting the extra 2 years you’ve been waiting it will be 7 years!!! You’re almost 40; when are you going to start living your life (this is coming from someone who dated a married man for 8 months and left after he told me, with a promise ring in his hand, I needed to wait 4 years. Leaving him was the best decision; I don’t know what I was thinking)July 17, 2017 at 10:57 am #693910
Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom. I have completely walked away from the married man and am wholeheartedly moving forward with my life and my new beau.