- April 18, 2017 at 11:00 am #682451
So unrelated, but the wonkiness with some of Facebook’s privacy settings (e.g., you can set something to be private and it STILL shows up in someone’s news feed) is how I found out one of my exes was cheating on me. So, I’m grateful for that feature. Heh.
I’m not sure if this will help with that particular issue, but I am also someone who generally doesn’t befriend coworkers on social media. I won’t add a coworker, ever, but if one adds me on there, I accept and add them to a group I created with SUPER STRICT privacy settings. Pictures from my youth don’t bother me, but some pictures from college make me cringe, and I don’t want my coworkers, past or present, seeing them. I’m untagged from anything I find embarrassing, and since we’ve gotten older, plenty of my friends have removed college pics altogether, but my group settings exist to make me feel better, juuuust in case.April 18, 2017 at 11:26 am #682453
Thanks guys! Good suggestions regarding privacy fixes. Facebook… can’t live with it, can’t live without it.
I guess I’d have to say when it comes down to it, aside from the sheer volume, it’s not necessarily that I care *who* in particular sees these pictures, it’s that I don’t want *anyone* (barring close family) seeing them, and my relative has 700+ friends (only 50 or so of whom are mutual). I just feel like I should have some reasonable expectation of control over potentially embarrassing- and at the very least too personal for strangers- pictures. I think everyone has a different level of comfort with these kinds of images- some people don’t mind sharing them, and that’s fine, but for some reason I personally do. Even if they’re “cute”, they’re old, very personal pictures of *me*, and pictures that I myself would only show to intimate or close friends that I specifically *choose* to share with (such as the ones who would reasonably be expected to visit me in my home), but my relative is putting them on blast to over 700 people, plus everyone who knows anyone who ‘likes’ them, for her own social gratification despite knowing that I find them awkward.
(Whew, that’s a mouthful, and sorry for the confusion, but sometimes writing it out helps get to the bottom of what’s really bothering you.) 🙂April 18, 2017 at 11:35 am #682454
Yeah, but that’s how she likes to use social media, and she’s the owner of those pictures. She’s got 700 friends, so obviously social media is a part of her life. I feel like you can certainly ask her not to tag you, and you know better than we do whether she’d comply, but I don’t think you can ask her to stop posting family pics that you’re in. She gets joy from it. The other “kids” don’t hate it. The pictures belong to her.
Again, this is a huge problem for social media in general. Think of all the kids born since the mid-2000s who are 10, 11, 12 years old, and their pictures have been all over Facebook and (public!) insta accounts for years. Their parents have been posting for over a decade and there’s all this history they have no control over. Even as an adult, if you’re on FB, you do give up some control. My dad quit it because he didn’t like my cousins tagging him.April 18, 2017 at 12:06 pm #682457
I think you “should” have reasonable control over it, but in reality, you don’t. You can ask her in the way that you feel is most effective not to share those, but she’ll get to choose whether to comply or not.April 18, 2017 at 12:15 pm #682459
I have an aunt who doesn’t have social media boundaries, so she’s on privacy lock down. And for a number of reasons I have the same picture tagging approval you’ve set, and I find that out doesn’t show up in my Facebook friends’ feeds before I can get to them.
But beyond that, I’ve stopped thinking about .y aunt’s social media habits. I’ve put my privacy limits in place and if she’s noticed, she hasn’t said anything. You can’t control what other people post, but you can control your privacy settings, others’ access to your content, and your own feed. You’ve said your peace to this relative and nothing’s changed, so doing it again probably isn’t going to do anything. If I were you, I’d mute her on Facebook so you don’t see what she’s posting. If you don’t see what’s happening, you might still be annoyed by what she’s doing, but the regularity of your annoyance might go down.
April 18, 2017 at 12:37 pm #682462
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Portia. Reason: Autocorrect
I agree that the relative has the rights to the photos, and the right to post them….but what the LW is asking is such a small thing, so easy to do. If a friend or relative came to me and said they were uncomfortable with having old photos of themselves on FB, I’d take the ones I’d posted down, and I wouldn’t post any more old photos that included them.
It just seems…I don’t know, mean, or passive-aggressive, to keep posting the photos after a loved one said it bothered them.April 18, 2017 at 2:01 pm #682475
Because it’s an older relative, I think it probably stems from a lack of understanding the etiquette behind this, or even a different etiquette between the LW and the relative – that can vary from group to group, and especially across age groups. For instance, my cousin (15 years younger than me) has a lot more awareness of the meanings behind stuff on social media than I do (I had a fascinating conversation with him about it recently). My other aunt, who I like, basically just posts memes – that seemed weird to me, but now I can totally tell that her contacts on social media all do that too.April 18, 2017 at 2:05 pm #682476
I think Facebook can take down pictures of you that you don’t want there at your request.April 18, 2017 at 2:15 pm #682478
@ale, I don’t think you can. My ex-husband’s father died in an accident. A guy at my work who was from the same hometown showed me a video on FB that these drunk losers had posted, of the dad being a drunk loser. I thought it was disrespectful to the deceased and didn’t want my ex to see it, so I messaged FB asking them to take it down, but they wouldn’t. I really hate FB, particularly since about, oh, October 2016.April 18, 2017 at 6:11 pm #682495
Have you outright asked her to not post pics of you? She may know you don’t like it because you untagged yourself but can’t you have that conversation? “auntie Eleanor can you not post pictures of me? I know the other kids are okay with it but I have people with access to my page I don’t particularly want to share baby pictures with.” if she says pound sand then unfollow auntie Eleanor and keep your privacy settings tight. I asked a friend of a friend to take down a picture of my kid. We don’t post her image except on shadow or from behind. The friend was a little taken aback but she did it.April 18, 2017 at 6:37 pm #682496
I think you just have to risk this person being offended. Her being easily offended doesn’t give her the right to never hear anything she doesn’t like, tough shit. Straight up tell her to at least stop tagging you and go from there.
This subject annoys me also because I’m at an age where my friends list is full of their burgeoning teenage children and a lot of them have been a presence in pictures since they were little. I feel for these kids who had no right of refusal and no control over where their image goes. Parents posting their kid on the toilet, parents posting pics of their kids in underwear asking about a rash (and that one is a primary school principal and should bloody well know better), parents posting their kid crying in hospital. It’s like… I don’t even have kids and I have more respect for your kid’s right to dignity and privacy than you.April 18, 2017 at 7:14 pm #682504
Facebook is creepy like that. My bofriend has a facebook profile that was created by an ex girlfriend of his. His photos are there and he used it for a while but his ex totally hijacked it. A lot of people have reported it, including him, because it has his name and his pics but Facebook hasn’t done anything. I think that is because they have no way to prove that he is not using his account but someone else is.
However with pics, I’ve seen that when you’re tagged in a picture there is an option to remove the tag but also to report it claiming that you appear the pic and you don’t like it. I’ve never used it but I’ve seen the option that is why I think that Facebook can take the pics down.
Anyways, I think @kate‘s advice is great: having separate accounts could work. Also, unfriending the family member could be a solution.
LW, I feel you. I am a very private person in general, and my dad keeps sending photos of me to his relatives (that I have never met) and it pisses me off because they know my whole life and I don’t even know them, but I can’t say anything either.