Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Confidence

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This topic contains 25 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Flowerfly 1 month ago.

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  • #717529 Reply
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    Flowerfly

    I have low self-esteem and I’m afraid people see me as a weak link. I believe in myself but I’m scared people don’t. How do you walk in a room full people and get their (positive) attention. My friends always tell me I’m great and that, but I just don’t see it.

    Thank you for reading.

    #717535 Reply
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    Ron

    If you believe in yourself, then you don’t have low self-esteem; it’s one or the other. I don’t know which it is, because you define just one standard and that standard is totally unrealistic. Very few people can just walk into a crowded room and get positive attention from those present. Almost all of us need to work the room, finding one, two, or a few people to strike up a conversation with. Doing that isn’t easy; it takes thought, persistence, and the expectation that unless you have something really interesting to say, many of the people you start talking to will want to move on within several minutes.

    Now if you are famous or drop-dead beautiful you can walk into a crowded room and get the reaction you seek, but how many of us meet one of those criteria. By famous, I mean locally famous. Our mayor can walk into a room and people gravitate to him. He’s not beautiful and he’s kind of boring, but he’s the mayor. He is an extrovert and ceaselessly optimistic, which helps him.

    #717538 Reply
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    Janelle

    It is for sure a mind set. If it is an important event looking how you feel best always helps. If you feel good it’ll eventually be contagious.

    #717540 Reply
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    RedRoverRedRover

    What Ron said if it’s a room full of strangers. If you’re talking about a room of people you know though, like at school or work, the only way to do that is to work at it. Have good relationships with people. Build trust. It’s a process. No one has it happen automatically, unless to Ron’s point you’re “famous”, which at work could mean you’re an exec or at school you’re the professor.

    #717547 Reply
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    Andrea

    So confidence is a process. It takes time.

    #717551 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    The “fake it’ ’til ya make it” approached helped me with confidence, actually. Or, at least, outwardly projecting confidence to a bunch of strangers.

    #717560 Reply
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    Flowerfly

    Thank you. I wish people would judge me based on my good actions only.

    #717561 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    It’s not realistic or even possible for people to judge you on your good actions only. All of us – even the people you think are judging you – have good days and bad ones. We do the right thing most of the time, and the wrong thing sometimes. We do great things at work, and then we screw up royally.

    All you can do, is make your best effort, and be pleasant to people. If this is a work situation, people are usually patient if they can see that you’re trying hard, and working to improve yourself. If you do good work much more often than you make mistakes, they’ll respect you and trust you eventually.

    #717562 Reply

    Why would you expect people to judge you on your good actions only? If that’s what you want, then make sure you only *have* good actions. Because in the real world, we judge people on everything we see about them. If someone acts like a jerk the majority of the time, and occasionally does something nice, would you judge them only on the good actions? Of course not, you’d judge them as a jerk, and you’d be right.

    People will judge you on what you show them. If you want them to judge you a certain way, then show them that’s what you’re like.

    #717567 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I’m a little curious about what you mean by walking into a room and getting their attention. Like do you feel uncomfortable going to a party and talking to stranger? Or you want to have a charismatic vibe that people just notice? Or is this a professional thing?

    I also ask because I think that sometimes what people think is low confidence is a form of social anxiety. Meaning, a person believes in themselves, but is excessively worried about what people think, etc, versus a person who doesn’t believe in themselves to begin with and it affects how they relate to other people.

    #717570 Reply
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    Flowerfly

    Yes could say social anxiety .

    #717573 Reply
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    Northern Star

    Why would you be seen as the “weak link?” Are you maybe sitting in a corner, not talking to anybody new at parties?

    You have to give people something to work with. Here, your answers are short and abrupt—find a way to continue a conversation, and you won’t have to worry about people “judging” you because you’ll leave a good impression as a thoughtful listener.

    The easiest way to have a conversation is to ask questions of others. “How was your weekend?” “So, are you enjoying this weather?” “How’s your mom doing?” “I’ve got a dog at home—do you have any pets?” “Been on any cool trips lately?” etc. Respond to what they say, even if it’s just “that’s so interesting! I’ve always wanted to visit Washington.” Encourage them to tell you more.

    You don’t have to be a gregarious personality to be a welcome guest at a party. You just have to be an attentive, active listener.

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