Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Confused on Ex GF mixed signals. Possible reconciliation

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Confused on Ex GF mixed signals. Possible reconciliation

This topic contains 89 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar Leslie Joan 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 90 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #716642 Reply
    avatar
    Chance

    i wanted to talk through text messages, she insisted to call. I dont want to sound shaky and scared although i am. thats what i meant

    #716643 Reply
    avatar
    Chance

    i wanted to talk through text messages, she insisted to call. I dont want to sound shaky and scared although i am. thats what i meant

    #716645 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Just be like, it’s hard to think with all these negative messages that I can’t help but feel are aimed at me. Would you mind not doing that?

    #716646 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    But I’m serious, you’re not a good communicator. Have you thought of talking to a counselor for help expressing what you feel and effectively communicating with women? These are skills that can be learned.

    #716656 Reply
    avatar
    dinoceros
    Member

    I think this is a plus for talking on the phone. I get not wanting to lay out all your feelings, but that’s the only thing that’s going to result in you guys doing the right thing for you. If you’re scared, she needs to know that. If you’re upset or angry or calm, she needs to know that too. You guys NOT sharing your feelings is what partially got you into this situation.

    #716657 Reply
    avatar
    Leslie Joan

    You only want to reconcile if you can leave the past in the past – yet before, you told US you were still mad at her because of the way she handled the breakup. Even though you told HER that it was fine, and no you weren’t mad??!

    The two of you are both all over the place, and you don’t seem to communicate with each other at all. Neither of you says what you mean to each other, and she conducts massive passive bitch sessions via social media. And you just seem to be giving her the silent treatment.

    You want a gold plated guarantee that things are going to be better between you? Then don’t get back together. There is no such guarantee, and the two of you completely lack communication skills. Figure out what you want.

    #716658 Reply
    avatar
    Chance

    WOW, we had an hour and a half long discussion. At first I asked about her work, her cat, what I was up to in school. She broke down and said it was so hard to talk to me this way. She proceeded to display mistakes I made in the relationship and tell me the way they made her feel. I listened, I did not argue. But i let her know that I took this breakup as a chance to improve myself. I let her know that I will never know the pain she is going through, but I do know all the actions I had that led to it. I told her during the breakup I reflected, and reflected hard to never be the guy that I was, because honestly he was a selfish jerk. We ended the conversation with her saying she does not know where to go from here, but we were very civil and ended the convo with more light talk about what we have been up to. I told her it was nice talking to her and she chuckled and said it back.

    #716659 Reply
    avatar
    Leslie Joan

    Okay, that sounds as though it went well.

    #716660 Reply
    avatar
    Chance

    I mean she even said the beginning of the conversation was the me that she loved. She asked why I couldn’t do that while we were together. I let her know that that was a product of my progression. What I have learned reflecting on my actions that hurt her. I genuinely wanted to talk about her work day just now and it was a great discussion! Then the relationship part happened and she is hurt. She misses me and says she doesn’t know why. She says that I have many people to be sorry too, and asked how would things stay changed 3 years from now. I answered saying that this was my first relationship. This was a huge lesson for me, and what she heard earlier was not an act (it wasn’t honestly) and that I’ll know when complacency equals hurtful actions. I said every couple can get complacent, what made this different is that I use it in my actions to indirectly hurt her. I will learn from this and complacency will never cause another woman hurt again in my life.
    She ended it saying she doesn’t know what to do moving forward and she will be going with the flow. We ended very nicely with more chit chat.

    Where do we go from here? How did I handle our first contact? Do you see her maybe eventually giving us another go?

    #716666 Reply
    avatar
    Kate

    Yes, obviously she would give it another go.

    Remember what I said before? These conversations are very easy to have after you’re broken up… what went wrong, how you feel, what you wish you could do better. Without the pressure of being in a relationship, it’s easy to communicate.

    Then you start believing things really are different, you give it another go, and after a couple weeks you find it’s just like before, because you’re still not a good fit as a couple and nothing’s changed. Probably 90-95% of the time that’s what happens.

    #716697 Reply
    avatar
    Chance

    Kate, you are being very helpful. I just want you guys to know that im really sincere in trying to better myself to make this relationship work for the two of us. I screwed up. I am not oblivious to the hurtful actions I have done. I love this girl, and she loves me. I have to attempt again if I am given the opportunity.

    #716714 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Kate is probably right. There is a reason you became complacent. There is a reason that you didn’t want to do the things she wanted to do. If you don’t address those underlying reasons you will be back in the same place very quickly. At first you’ll do whatever she wants because you want the relationship and she will be happy. Then those underlying, unaddressed reasons will again make you not want to do the things she wants and you will begin to drop into the old pattern. Why were you complacent? Why did you take her for granted? Why did you feel you had better things to do than be with her? There was something about the two of you that wasn’t working and it showed in the way you treated her or in the way what she wanted you to do things that you weren’t willing to do. Did you feel smothered? Did you feel controlled? Did you feel superior to her? Did you feel that the things she wanted to do were boring? Did you feel that she always wanted you to do things that she suggested but never cared to do the things that you wanted to do? Do you feel that one of you is much better looking than the other? Or more socially desirable? Or more popular?

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 90 total)
Reply To: Confused on Ex GF mixed signals. Possible reconciliation
Your information:




Comments on this entry are closed.