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Confused on Ex GF mixed signals. Possible reconciliation

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This topic contains 89 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar Leslie Joan 1 month, 1 week ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 90 total)
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  • #716718 Reply
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    Chance

    I do feel there were reasons for why I acted the way I did. I was idolized in a sense in the first 2 years of the relationship. She really did everything and anything for me. I felt I could do no wrong. Even until the breakup, she came over my house each and every day to hang out, and she still did when I denied dates and became lazy in trying. Maybe I was smothered, never had time to miss her.

    I felt myself becoming comfortable and maybe a part of it was that I was only ever with her. I haven’t experienced any one else on this level. I emotionally cheated a year and half in when I was away at school. I had roommates that seemed to get out so much and talk to new girls.. so I joined the crowd and flirted with a local online. She found these messages after me and the local quit contact. She was devasted but forgave me.

    Obviously things caused me to act this way with her, but now I want nothing more than the love she had for me. I miss my best friend. I miss her laugh, and our fooling around. I love her. It was my first relationship and I feel I needed this to learn the way I was acting is unnacceptable. I want to change so much. I want her to be the recipient of my change. I want her to smile and feel butterflies about me again.

    #716725 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I meant smothered as in not being able to be yourself. If she was over every single day did you have time to do the things you really wanted to do? Did you find that you were giving up the things you loved to do with your friends because she was over?

    Was your relationship one-sided? Meaning did she pursue you more than you pursued her? Did she come to you more than you went to her? Did she show up at your house daily because she loved to spend time with you but also because she wanted to make sure you didn’t have time for anyone else? Was she making sure that your time was occupied by her and only her? Was she more into you than you were into her? Were you willing to do anything and everything for her or did that seem like drudgery?

    Being idolized can be a heady experience but then it can grow old and become a burden.

    #716727 Reply
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    Chance

    It did become a burden, I lost touch of my passions and hobbies. I was a much more confident guy at the beginning o our relationship. I worked out, still played football even at my university. I was so confident and felt good about myself. I guess that changed over time.

    #716728 Reply
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    Kate

    She’s most likely going to be the same way she was before, because that’s her attachment style, at least with you. And I don’t see how that’s not going to have the same effect on you that it did before, and the cycle will happen all over again.

    The relationship doesn’t sound like it was really good for you, other than that nice feeling of being idolized. It sounds like it didn’t bring out the best in her either. And you wanted / still want to experience other women. Why, again, do you want to give this another shot?

    #716729 Reply
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    Chance

    She brought happiness into my life in a way. I meant so much to one person and that feeling is amazing. She loved my strong opinions and my carefree attitude. She accepted my quirks and personality. I’m a kid at heart still. I fool around in public and with friends because im first and foremost about fun. She loved that about me and I miss my companion.

    #716730 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    We can all fall in love with someone who isn’t a good long term partner. I think that’s what has happened with the two of you. You do love her and miss her but when the two of you were together your life was lessened overall rather than being improved.

    If you want to get back together you first need to discuss the things you’ve just mentioned. You’ve talked about how she felt about the way you treated her. That’s good. You also need to talk about how you couldn’t be yourself. You need to talk about how you lost touch with your passions and hobbies. You need to discuss how you need to be able to do those things even when in a relationship.
    She has to agree to not be over all of the time. She has to support you in having time for yourself to follow your passions. She has to let you be fully you and decide whether that is enough for her.

    In a healthy relationship you will find that you don’t feel resentful about the time you spend together. You don’t have to give up things that are important to you. You may even find someone who shares the same passions and they can be your best friend doing the things you love most with you.

    What did the two of you love to do together. Some examples of couples I know. One couple loves to raise a specific breed of sheep and they go to NASCAR races. One couple loves camping. One couples loves exploring new places. One couple is highly involved in church. One couple loves pubs. One couple spends weekends with their grandchildren.

    Did the two of you share a passion?

    #716731 Reply
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    Chance

    Now that I think about that, no. We did not have a passion that we shared together. She is an 911 operator and dispatcher and is very good at what she does. For me, hearing stories from her calls were things that I seem to think happen every day. I’m a realist and know that no call is a new call. It was new to her and she definitely deserved someone to listen enthusiastically, but I couldn’t because I know these things happen across the country every day. We didn’t have a hobby together. Watching TV and the occasional family parties (my family) was really all we had. Going to restaurants although she paid mostly because as a student, I couldn’t take her out like I used to due to finances. We swam in my pool, and played with our pets. These are side things that are normal for couples, but we did not have something unique to collaborate on. We lacked doing something we were both passionate about.

    #716734 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I think you are beginning to get to the heart of what happened to your relationship. It was smothering you. The two of you didn’t share a passion. It sounds like you got bored and had no outlet for the things that you did want to do. I think she loved you more than you loved her and she also had a way of dominating your life. There wasn’t room for you to do things that you loved. There should be time for you to spend on passions and hobbies and to be out with friends and to spend time with her. In all the important ways you should be able to have it all.

    The first year that I was seeing my husband I think we saw each other every day but he also went out with his own friends at least weekly without me and I ate my meals with my friends without him except maybe for dinner on weekends when we ate together. We had together time and friend time. We also met through and belonged to a campus group related to our majors and had that in common. It was a highly social, fun group with people who had similar career choices.

    It is very hard and can be exhausting to be on a pedestal. It is a huge ego boost to be wanted and admired that much but it is also smothering and you can feel trapped. You can end up feeling that you must always be available because they want you and need you so much. In a healthy relationship the two of you will be equal. It sounded like you ended up not respecting her very much and ultimately you were lashing out emotionally in anger by being condescending. You needed room for you to be you.

    #716737 Reply
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    Leslie Joan

    It doesn’t matter whether she has a new kind of emergency unique to the history of humankind every day: if she likes to “shop talk” every day and fill you in on everything that happens, and you would rather have your teeth ripped out than listen, you are going to have a problem. It’s okay not to want to listen to *everything;* well adjusted couples find their own balance of how much shop talk is okay in the course of a relationship. For me, a little goes a long way, and maybe this was a side effect of having been a widowed parent for several years; I personally don’t even like being asked about my day. As days go, it was one of them, unless I have something unusual going on, in which case I will share voluntarily.

    It kind of sounds as though the two of you spent way too much time together and didn’t spend individual time with other groups of friends. One person can’t be expected to be “everything” to another person.

    I also get the sense that she expects a certain amount of romantic tribute from you, in terms of making a fuss over anniversaries, making special plans, etc, which is not something that everyone can do. You’ve probably heard about the 5 Love Languages, and it can be really hard to be with someone whose love language is different from yours. If your partner constantly expects you to do things that don’t come naturally to you, it can be stressful. Nobody wants to feel like they’re constantly disappointing their partner. You want to feel as though the way you naturally are is pleasing to your partner. There is a “honeymoon” period in every relationship where everything is new, and the fun of just being with a person, plus sex, makes everything feel great. But it doesn’t mean that the relationship has what it takes to go the distance. There is also a certain factor that being in school can have on a relationship, where it’s a different world with a different schedule, exposure to different interests and people, and other differences.

    #716757 Reply
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    Chance

    Hey I really appreciate all your help… I can’t help but want to try one more time if I can. There was a time not long ago I wanted to marry this girl. She was so selfless and I know with me putting in effort and listening to her we can be a great couple. I’m not ignoring what you guys have stated, I actually agree with almost all of it… but it comes down to me really loving her. I didn’t realize how awesome I had it with someone who loved all my flaws.

    So I ask.. can you guys try to instruct proper approaches. We had the conversation last night and spilled all our feelings. She has said she has never fallen out of love with me. Asked if my mom was angry with any bad things I have said (I didn’t), and said she doesn’t know what happens from here. She is just going to go with the flow.

    Now, she is still hurt and expresses this through twitter with retweets of men taking girls for granted, “if I pulled a you on you, you’d hate that shit”

    But yet she will posts retweets that the good and bad will lead to better things in due time. I try not to put to much emphasis on these because they may be ways to cope or vent.

    Another thing is that we had an open conversation where she told me she will let me get back to schoolwork. I said “okay, it was so nice talking to you” she said it back.

    This morning I was re added as a friend on Snapchat by her. She had done her hair and looked great in a snap story before work. We haven’t contacted since last nights phone call. Do I contact or wait? Can I ask tomorrow how her night shift was? I would actually like to know anything she is up to. I care like I haven’t before. Or do I let her contact me and risk her thinking I haven’t tried?

    #716758 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I’m really just so struck by the fact that you seem not to know or understand this woman at all. It’s really off. You keep saying she loved you so much and put up with your flaws, and it’s like… that’s what she is to you, someone who gives you positive attention that boosts your self esteem. I’m not hearing anything about what makes her or your connection special, and you don’t seem to “get” her. You’re asking for instructions on how to talk to her like she’s someone you haven’t dated. It’s weird. I think if you cant organically communicate with her, how is this supposed to work?

    #716761 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Chance, with every post you add to this thread, it becomes more and more clear that what you really loved about this girl is that she worshipped you. That’s what you miss. “I didn’t know how awesome I had it with someone who loved all my flaws.” Trust me, she doesn’t love your flaws. It’s more likely that she’s afraid to be alone, and she’s drawn back to the relationship even though you didn’t treat her well, because she’s lonely and she figures even a boyfriend who doesn’t treat her well is better than no boyfriend at all.

    This is really, really common after a breakup, especially in young people without a lot of relationship experience. They break up for good reason, and then after a few lonely weekends when all their friends are out on dates, the flaws don’t look so bad anymore.

    And I’m not saying you’re a bad person for feeling this way, for missing the ego boost that comes with that kind of unconditional adoration, or for the boost that comes from someone coming back to you after they left. Anyone would be drawn to that.

    It’s just a terrible, unhealthy relationship dynamic, though, and to be honest, I don’t see a happy ending here, just more cycles of angry, hurt breakups and tearful reunions until one of you finally has had it for good. Go ahead and try again if you want to, though, it’s admirable that you want to do better and work hard at having a healthy relationship.

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