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Confused on Ex GF mixed signals. Possible reconciliation

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This topic contains 89 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar Leslie Joan 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 90 total)
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  • #716762 Reply
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    Chance

    I just don’t understand that you guys say it’s admirable I want to change an create a happy relationship where I’ll try so much harder. Why can it not be with her? Like I seriously doubt she will ever worship me again and I don’t want her too! I want a real, happy, 50/50 relationship. Where we compromise for the other. Explore interests and hobbies. Why can it not ultimately work with her? I’ve heard many long term, married couples experience a breakup of some sorts. My cousin was emotionally cheated on by her boyfriend. She broke up with him for 4 months.. they are now married with a daughter to him. They are awesome. What makes this such a huge problem that we can’t both fix ourselves as a team because we are drawn to each other with love and great moments in the past with more to come?

    #716764 Reply
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    Leslie Joan

    Chance, it sure doesn’t sound as though she loved your flaws. It sounds as though she’s complaining to anyone who’ll listen – so she’s still pissed. Honestly, it’s not very mature on her part, and she seems to be bringing a whole lot of expectations with her.

    If a person is really going to get past something, they can’t be pitching a bitch about it continually. If she’s still winding on about it to the world, while telling you how much she loves you, that tells me she hasn’t gotten over it, and she’s just lonely. Look, it’s perfectly fine to keep loving someone you can’t have a successful relationship with – it just means you need to understand that you can’t date. She doesn’t seem to understand that. It’ll probably take a few times of getting back together and breaking up again before she either learns that, or grows to hate you.

    I’m with the others in that I can’t see what brings you together, other than her admiration for you. And possibly the fact that you have very little dating experience, it’s especially flattering to have someone who admires you. Is she older than you are? I get the sense she’s in a different phase of her life than you are, and there is not much that you are able to share. As you both get older, the gap is going to get wider.

    #716765 Reply
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    Chance

    We are of the same age.. I honestly know what you are explaining. Now I don’t blame her because of my actions, but I do find the social media resentment and the expression of sadness to me is immature. I am stuck in limbo. I don’t know how to make out her true intentions. She could very well just be lonely and that just straight out sucks. I’m lonely too and knowing I hurt her has lead to me hating myself and being unhappy this whole breakup. At the same time it is a lesson. Maybe we can be on good terms for a longer while (months) and we can grow. For now.. is me contacting her offering any advantage to me and us in the future or do I need to let her be?

    #716766 Reply
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    Chance

    I know I’m being a pain in the ass ladies, but I’m trying my best to listen. First love is hard. I have many things to learn and I appreciate all your constructive criticism.

    #716767 Reply
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    Leslie Joan

    I don’t think you’re a pain in the ass. You’ve been pretty open to hearing some harsh comments from us, and it’s helpful when you’re willing to interact. That’s *helpful.*

    I’m glad that you can see how immature she is to be publicly airing her grievances on social media. If I were you, I’d be seeing that as a big honkin’ red flag about getting back together. Everything about that not only says that she’s immature, it also says that she just can’t fricken let something go. Any time she’s got a bone, she’s just gonna keep chewing on that thing.

    Loneliness on both your parts is understandable, but seeing someone on a dating basis is way different than just being friends. Not that you can easily be “just friends” with someone who is carrying a torch for you. But the fact that you don’t really even know what to say to her suggests that you realize that you don’t really share that much and are kind of going through the motions, and that you are letting your own loneliness lead you. I sense real ambivalence in you, and almost a feeling that you are obligated to go along with what she wants in all things because that’s what is before you, and that’s what a relationship is. And that’s sad.

    #716769 Reply
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    Chance

    It’s hard to wrap my head around starting with someone else. Yes, I will have a lesson. I will know what not to do. I feel I can be a great partner through all this. I hate the guy I became. I wasn’t like that before. But she is all I know. It was 3 years and my first love. At 21.. there is going to be better than a girl that had me on a pedestal? It’s selfish to say but also human nature that that was an amazing feeling. I had made her the happiest in the world before. I remember a wedding, I set aside my embarrassment and gentle motioned for her hand and danced with her in front of all my family alone on the dance floor. For a Valentine’s Day, she bought a hotel room and we had fast food over candle light and it made for a funny memory.

    There were so many great times that could match the bad. It’s hard when I am seeing these and she is clouded with resentment. I was her best friend and she was and I still believe is my best friend.

    #716772 Reply
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    Leslie Joan

    Yes, there is *always* something better than a person who puts you on a pedestal. You’re not a real person when you’re on a pedestal. You’re someone who is idealized, who’s not allowed to have flaws. That’s very restrictive, and not surprisingly, you rebelled against that. I’d rather be a real person down in the mud with the rest of the other fallible humans, making mistakes as humans do, and learning. It’s lonely and isolating to be parked up on a pedestal, because you are stuck in someone else’s image of you, like a statue.

    No one is taking away the good times you had in the past. Those remain great memories. But starting again when there is still so much resentment is a terrible idea. You’re walking to the guillotine.

    #716773 Reply
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    Leslie Joan

    She was your first love, but at 21 you have your whole adult life ahead of you. The right one for you will be an equal partner, and it won’t be like pulling teeth to figure out how to communicate with her.

    #716774 Reply
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    Leslie Joan

    The other thing is – you don’t need to know “her true intentions.” You know, YOU get a vote. You aren’t obligated to go along with what she wants, just because she expresses interest. So many people write into advice columns seem to think that all that’s needed is for someone to choose them, and it’s like they turn into zombies and lose their will. Someone who can be really wonderful can care about you, but it’s still no guarantee of a great relationship. I’ve broken up with people who were just fine, who were not right FOR ME. There’s no award for staying in a relationship that isn’t quite right.

    #716789 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    It felt great to be idolized until it didn’t. Then it became constricting and you were losing your own interests. The same thing will happen again unless the two of you make some changes. If your talk didn’t include the fact that you need to be able to follow your passions and have hobbies then you haven’t yet addressed the underlying issue that led to all the rest. After three years the two of you should be able to talk about things like that. Being able to communicate about your needs is one of those things required for a strong foundation to a relationship. The underlying issue isn’t the way you treated her, it is why you ended up treating her the way you did. If you can’t tell her that you need some room to be yourself you will just keep repeating the same miserable cycle.

    I understand that you love her and I understand that you want to try again. That’s pretty natural. I would at least wait to get back together until she quits complaining about you to other people. In some ways the complaints are a way to both manipulate you and to lash out at you and hurt you. She is doing her best to make everyone she knows think that you are bad. How is a relationship supposed to work when she is telling everyone about how bad you are? It can’t. She is knocking you down. Part of that is to make you into the person she wants you to be and part of it is probably to say that she is always right and had no part in the failure of the relationship. Unless she is willing to talk about your needs and you are willing to talk about her needs the two of you won’t do any better in the future. The only way this has any chance of working is if the two of you can talk. If you don’t think you can do that then you are doomed. What do you have to lose? Start by saying you need to talk to her about what you’ve learned about yourself. Tell her you realize that you began to resent not being able to follow your passions. You resented not being able to have your hobbies. You realized that you need time to do the things you love to do and if you can’t have that time it makes you angry and resentful. Then see what she says. If she can’t understand that you have needs beyond her it won’t work. If she isn’t willing to let you be yourself with your own interests outside her then she is more interested in possessing you than loving you. She is more interested in controlling you than in being your equal partner. So talk and see what she says.

    If the two of you talk and the only result is that she ups the attacks on social media you will have your answer.

    #716790 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    One thing you need to understand is that she no longer idolizes you. You are no longer on a pedestal and the two of you won’t be able to put you back on one. In her mind you have gone from being the perfect, most desirable guy in the world to being the mean, hurtful guy who didn’t treat her right. Instead of idolizing you she will be watching you constantly for any signs that you aren’t treating her right. She will jump on you constantly for little hurts. You will be in a totally different relationship than the one you had. She will be the good one and you will be the bad one and now you will be lucky to be with her and you will constantly need to prove that you deserve her. Watch for that dynamic as you try to get back together and see if you can move the two of you to being equal partners who both have needs and who both can be hurt and who both can be hurtful. That’s why you need to talk about the underlying issues and address them. Unless you like being the bad guy who is constantly being bad mouthed to everyone.

    #716980 Reply
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    Chance

    I’m having such a hard time realizing why I became to act the way I did to my ex. You all have gave such great analysis and yes, I believe I was put on a pedestal from the beginning of the relationship. It makes perfect sense of how this could cause me to act selfishly and neglectful because I felt I could get away with it. I thought she was so infatuated with me and she would never leave me. I had told my friends that I would have to be the one to end it with her if it were to ever end.
    But why does it take til now where she is no longer my girlfriend, that I feel the huge void. I feel dirty, I feel guilty, I feel I have really messed up an opportunity for a perfect relationship. All I had to do was make an effort. She wanted me to bring her lunch at work. I did in the beginning of our relationship, but the last year I declined all attempts thinking selfishly, “shes got a car, why would I drive 45 min when she can get her own lunch in 10?”. This is where I know I was not the ideal partner now. She just wanted little displays of affection like this. I failed.
    She has a job she loves and she gets top call taker almost every month.. I never was celebratory like I should have been. I had chances to come into her work and listen in on 911 operating calls with her as she worked. I did not do this either. I know… what the hell.
    I look back now and can’t help but to simply believe these actions along with others was the real downfall to our relationship. I hurt her and most of this is my fault.

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