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Confused on Ex GF mixed signals. Possible reconciliation

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This topic contains 89 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar Leslie Joan 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 61 through 72 (of 90 total)
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  • #717004 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Generally the best predictor of divorce is whether you stayed together continuously or broke up and got back together before getting married.

    #717009 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    Think this a useful guide to what you’re going through: http://rolereboot.org/sex-and-relationships/details/2017-09-dear-dana-break-someone-move/

    #717011 Reply
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    Ron

    The more you write, the more I believe certain things are true:

    1. Your ex is really into social media drama and more than a little demanding/controlling/non-forgiving

    2. You made some errors in how you treated her and were a tad selfish, but now you are really into self-flagellation

    3. Your relationship with this woman is and should be over. It’s not healthy. You have thought about things and know how to behave better next time, but is really shouldn’t be her, in part because she seems a little impervious to behaving better and dialing back the drama. The blame for your breakup does not all rest on your shoulders.

    4. It’s a lot easier to start a new relationship with someone else than you think it is. You have experience now, so you won’t be fumbling along through every encounter. I’m old enough to know that my two early loves, never to be possibly equaled or even replaced by someone who half filled the empty hole, were more than replaced by my wife of over 40 years. I know that 21-year-old me was naïve, over-dramatic, and under experienced. Trust me, odds are high that it will get better and that you’ll find another woman who is a far better match for you. Pining over the one who got away, trying to get her back, flogging yourself over errors you made, it just extra pain, time wasted, and ultimately degenerates into self-indulgent mind games you play with yourself,

    5. I think your ex is really enjoying your pain, the new power she has over you, and her chance to posture on social media — DRAMA!

    #717018 Reply
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    Chance

    I’m am so glad I found this site. You guys are awesome and I have turned her to posts often times because it’s hard to relay feelings to the people close to you in real life because they have to keep hearing it. I assume you guys love to help people because you continue to be here for me.

    I’m struggling between wanting to KNOW this relationship was not beneficial for me or her, BUT I am hurting so much more than I ever thought I could. We had a huge heart to heart Sunday, which is in the comments. It’s weird because she says she has never fell out of love with me. She is hurt and felt we could have fixed it without a breakup. That’s where I think we can work on these things! We didn’t originally try! At least I see now that we COULD do it.

    So without seeing the recent posts hear the latter half of the day, I have reached out through texts and we actually had conversation about her work and any new hobbies she has picked up. She is a little reserved and the last text I sent, I tried to tease her by saying how she let a friend out drink her at a bar she said she went to. She has not replied in 50 min and I don’t know what to make of any of this. I’m sorry guys. Please don’t think I’m not listening. It’s like an addiction. But couldn’t this be progress? I opened communication although she didn’t seem to want to respond to the last text. Oh well, it hurts but I let her know I’m here and can be talked to.

    #717020 Reply
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    SherBear

    No, it’s not progress – progress would be both of you taking some time for individual soul searching and growth. But you seem hell bent on getting back together with her so while we can lead a horse to water we can’t make you drink it. My bet it you’ll get back together, everything will be great and wonderful for a month or two and then you’ll both revert back to your old habits. I don’t believe you are in love with HER as much as you are in love with the IDEA of her. So we’ll see you back on here in 2018 after the next break up.

    #717022 Reply
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    Leslie Joan

    Yeah, you didn’t read the link that Heatherly posted, didja?

    You don’t have enough experience in relationships to realize to stay away from someone who likes drama. And that’s okay. You’ll be back here when you get tired of being made into the bad guy, when you realize that she likes having you be the dirtbag and nurturing her outrage, and you get tired of someone being so immature that they have to shout it to social media instead of actually dealing with you as an equal, with rights of your own. Because this is your first love, you haven’t learned yet that love alone isn’t enough. But it’s like quitting smoking: it usually takes several attempts. She will come to hate you soon enough.

    #722581 Reply
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    Chance

    So the last time I posted on this thread.. we had the phone call where she relayed things that went wrong with the relationship. We had a heart to heart. We even ended it with friendly talk about what we have been up to and she states she does not know where to go from there and will be going with the flow. This was about a month ago. After the phone call she added me on Snapchat and sent a friend request on Facebook. I was originally blocked on both after breakup.

    2 days after the call I initiated contact and it was friendly and we caught up until she decided not to reply to a message I sent. No big deal.

    2 days after she text me and we talk some more and she even goes as far as sending me a picture of her new hair and I compliment it and she says she’s happy about it and thanks me. I respond “you’re welcome (:” 2 days more and she initiated again through text wondering how my day was. We trade texts again and I tease her about doing my homework. This ended when she said “I’m sure it’s best you do it alone then lol” I replied “yea, I got this” she replied “I’m sure you do!”

    It was a week where we didn’t initiate anymore and she post a story with a screenshot of “Pinch Me” by Barenaked Ladies with the caption “The Feels ????”. The story was only up 20 minutes and after I viewed it.. she took it down.

    Couple days after that I was hurting, felt she was playing games and I just wanted her to initiate and for me to really know she’s considering trying again. In my feelings I unfriended her snap because it didn’t feel right viewing her life from outside. I was also trying to rise my snap score to spike her curiousity. I wanted to stop that also.

    Now it has been 3 weeks that neither of us had initiated. I feel I really screwed up and she can’t help but to feel that I’m seriously done. I’m not. Idk. I don’t know what I want. I read somewhere that it is not love, but missing company that would make you want someone to initiate with you but you’re afraid to initiate with them. That’s me right now. I’m afraid to initiate anything with her. I thought she would continue. I don’t know what to do or what’s going on. Any insight or advice?

    #722594 Reply
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    Kate

    Oh lord, I’d have to re-familiarize myself with the situation, but it sounds like nothing happens naturally with you two and it’s just not gonna happen, and that’s okay.

    #722595 Reply
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    Chance

    I think naturally we are still connected to one another. I don’t think either of us wants to let go. I think we are stuck between who’s going to make the effort. Idk Kate. I’m sorry but I’m a mess with this situation. It’s my first ever relationship and I know where I went wrong

    #722596 Reply

    Honey if neither of you is willing to make the effort and you can’t communicate about it you’re holding on to the corpse of your relationship, not the actual connection. First relationships are tough to get over and move on from. We’ve all been there but you have bumble through as best you can. Do yourselves a favor and cut contact. Stay busy and single for awhile.

    #722597 Reply
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    Ange

    Dude enough with all the passive aggressive shitposting nonsense. If you both can only do that instead of an honest conversation neither of you are ready for a relationship again. At this stage you should be re-igniting the spark and talking about how another go would look and instead you’re lashing out at each other through social media and you still can’t figure out how to talk. The only advice we’ve ever given is to have a conversation but you’re not equipped yet. Let it go.

    #722598 Reply
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    Leslie Joan

    You don’t know what you want, because you’re waiting for her to tell you what you want, and you’re kind of playing awkward games to build yourself up. We’ve all pretty much figured that it’s over, but you aren’t yet ready to aaccept it because it was your first relationship.

    It’s not supposed to be this difficult to be yourself. Dunno how many new ways you expect us to tell you what you don’t want to accept.

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