Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Country mouse loves city mouse

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar dinoceros 2 weeks ago.

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  • #728227 Reply
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    Chelsea

    y fiancé and I have dated for 4 years now in a long distance relationship so I could go to school. He’s amazing with my son and I love him. We’ve lived together during the summer and during school breaks in his house. However, I’m getting ready to graduate this spring and I’m left at a crossroads. I’m worried about moving to his home state. I feel anxious about being in the “big city” and moving my son away from his grandparents. He and I moved a lot when he was younger so I could try to make ends meet as a single mom and he didn’t take it well.
    I’d have to rely on my fiancé financially if we moved to his home state because it’s so expensive and I don’t have the right licensing to work there. We’ve been trying to move to a smaller cheaper town but he doesn’t want to lose his pension by changing jobs. He’s been looking for another job in the small city without any success. So I’m torn between moving to the big city or staying in the country. My parents tell me that I’m making a horrible decision to move, increasing my anxiety. I don’t want to break my son’s heart if things don’t work out. His heart will already break because he adores my fiancé.
    I was ok with the idea that we might have to move but I feel more anxious now that I talked to my parents.

    #728237 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    Here is Wendy’s very important & useful list of things to do/discuss before moving in with someone you are in a relationship with:

    http://dearwendy.com/15-things-couples-should-do-before-moving-in-together/

    Before you move there you need a license or whatever means you can work, get a job there and I’d also get your own place nearby your boyfriend. Yes, you obviously love him & glad your son is comfortable and happy with him too, but there is endless letters from women who move across country or even to a new country and then are trapped by having no money or separate place to stay if it goes wrong. If after a year in the new city, it goes well in your relationship then perhaps move in. It’s also about your son. He needs things to go slowly too. I can’t stress this piece of advice enough!!

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by avatar Heatherly.
    #728251 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    You should only move if and when you are able to be self-supporting in the new location. That means get the licensing before moving and then interview and have a job before moving. These are concrete steps you can take that will help to ease your anxiety. You will know that you will be okay if the relationship doesn’t work as you hope. It is a huge mistake to just move and hope it all works out when you won’t be able to support yourself. It is an even larger mistake to do that when you have a dependent child. Your relationship has lasted while you attended school. It can last a little longer while you take the steps you need to arrive as a financially independent woman. You don’t want to have to ask permission before buying things for yourself and your son. You don’t want to end up asking for money for shoes for your son or for money for a field trip for your son. You need to be able to make those decisions on your own. You need to keep control of your life.

    #728302 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I agree that you should only move if you can support yourself. Moving in with someone who you are financially dependent on is not good idea. You don’t want to be in a position where you can’t break up or go your own way because you wouldn’t be able to support you and your child. That can make a person make bad decisions about their life. You want to have the freedom to make your own decisions and not rely on another person.

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