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Dating for 4 years and still not living together

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This topic contains 18 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar RedRoverRedRover 6 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 19 total)
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  • #672735 Reply
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    Jem

    So here is my story, I am a 34 years old mother of 2 young children dating a 47 year old man with one young child. We’ve know each other for about 5 years and dating seriously for 4 years. I was married before met him. I met him a year after my divorce. He has NEVER been married or even engaged before. We became friends first and i was not attracted to him in any way when we first met. But after i got to know him and we became friends i started to fall for him slowly until i finally gave it a shot. Last year was really rocky for us because i kept bringing up the moving in and marriage convo. I feel like that put a ton of pressure and proposed to me 7 months ago. I was literally the happiest girl alive and couldn’t wait to plan our wedding. BUT. He stopped my day dreaming by asking me to hold off on the planning because its the first time he’s ever been engaged and he wanted to enjoy this moment. My heart was crushed but i never showed it and stayed by his side and tried to enjoy this moment with him. However i cant stop thinking why are we still not living together and have no desire to even start a wedding conversation with him because i can almost “predict” what he might say based on my previous attempts. I only see him on the weekend and i can’t lie that i like the freedom but i also want to know what it feels like to actually have a real family and live with the person i truly love since ive never had that before. My first marriage was at a very young age and it didn’t work out for many other reasons. Ive never gotten along so well with someone the way in do with my finance but i feel so empty inside.. please advice! Thank you

    #672738 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    You aren’t married because he doesn’t want to marry you.

    You aren’t living together because he doesn’t want to live with you.

    If he did want to live together, or get married, he would have by now.

    He’s content with things the way they are.

    None of what I said above means he doesn’t love you. He may love you as much as he’s ever loved anything. But not everyone wants to live with a partner, and not everyone wants to get married. Especially since he’s older – he’s been living his life on his own terms for a long time now, and he’s not used to living with anyone (except his child – or does the child live with their mother?). The idea of suddenly living a romcom with you and two small children, or a blended family, may not be something he wants.

    The two of you need to have an calm, honest conversation about what you each want out of this. No guilting him, no pressuring him, no big weepy scenes, because you’re not going to get honesty from him that way. It sounds like you’re not going to be content unless this relationship leads to marriage. You may have to make a choice – stay with him with no marriage, or break up.

    #672739 Reply
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    Jem

    Thank you for this. So his daughter does not live with him or the mother. She lives with his mom (grandma). He lives by himself in a huge house which he keeps saying he wants to sell

    #672746 Reply
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    Heather

    What Essie said! He doesn’t want to marry you. If that is what you want, you need to break up with him & find someone else (and soon after starting datng say you’re looking for a long term relationship that leads to marriage & have it stated in dating profile if internet dating). Or stay with him & accept that you’re never going marry and actually live him etc. If you somehow do actually guilt him in to marriage (very hard to do), the marriage is doomed as he’ll resent you always as it wasn’t what he wanted.

    #672752 Reply
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    Rava

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 10+ years. We started living together only after 4 years. I’d like for it to be sooner, but he was dodging my questions. We had a good conversation. I wasn’t mad, because I only wanted to live with someone who wanted that as much as I did, and I had a gut feeling none of his behaviour was personal.

    As it turned out, the first time he ever lived with a girlfriend they were broken up soon afterwards. Also, he really liked his own house, and my ‘offer’ was just not that appealing to leave a perfectly good situation for (we both had nice places to live (though too small for two people), we were lucky enough to see each other on a daily basis and moving in together wouldn’t benefit us financially).

    But. He DID understand that I wanted to move in together eventually, and not wait around forever. So I never felt like I couldn’t share a potential nice house with him, or talk to him about it. If anything, we talked about what would be the conditions (pragmatically, like the max rent, and emotionally, like our doubts or insecurities that had to be addressed beforehand) to move in together.

    What I’m trying to say is, I guess: what Essie said. 🙂
    Talk to him. Keep in mind that he might never wants to be married. Ask yourself if that’s the most important thing, or that living together as a couple is also fine. Be open minded about his feelings towards this whole moving-in-thing, but please don’t think you’re out of line for wanting this. It’s perfectly normal to want this, and he should take your needs seriously, and talk to you about it. This is important to you. If he’s not willing to discuss what’s important to you, you’ll be facing a lot more shit in the future.

    Best of luck!

    #672753 Reply
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    Jem

    I completely agree with you. Thank you for sharing your story. Hopefully we can reach the same happy ending to this

    #672760 Reply
    mrmidtwenties
    mrmidtwenties
    Participant

    Why does his mom have custody of his daughter and not him? This should tell you exactly what kind of person he is.

    #672779 Reply
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    Jem

    He has custody of her but works a lot. His daughter lives with his mom for now because shes still young and he needs the help.

    #672786 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    You said it yourself that he proposed because you pressured him. You’re proven right because he doesn’t actually want to plan a wedding. He proposed so that you’d leave him alone and not dump him, but he’s trying to keep from actually marrying you. A person who truly wants to enjoy their engagement would not think it was going to ruin the moment by planning a wedding, because they’d be equally as excited to be married.

    If he wanted to live with you or marry you, you’d have done those things by now. Find someone who wants the same things you wants and is mature enough to actually be honest about it.

    #672796 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    The man who doesn’t make room in his life for his own daughter isn’t going to have time for a wife and step kids.

    A man who got engaged because he wanted to get married would want to set a date and plan a marriage, even if it was just to elope. His plan is to put you on hold in a way that you will accept being put on hold. The engagement is more about him not wanting you to walk away than about him wanting to get married. Ask yourself, why can he only enjoy your engagement if you aren’t actually planning a wedding. Why can he only enjoy being engaged if there is no wedding in the works?

    #672797 Reply
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    SpaceySteph

    An engagement is not a time to slow down and “enjoy.” It’s a time to plan a wedding. That’s literally it’s purpose. I do wonder if your “daydreaming” was part of the issue. If you were planning a huge fairy tale wedding maybe that turned him off?
    Regardless, it’s a huge red flag that he shuts down the conversation every time you bring it up and you’re afraid to talk to him. Time to sit him down and discuss timetable for marriage, moving in together… and whether he actually wants to get married or move in at all. Set some concrete dates, and if he won’t (or if he does and then lets those pass unremarked)

    Finally, you say he has custody of his daughter but she lives with his mom. What happens when you start living together? Have you talked about that? Is she going to move in with you and your kids and you’re going to assume the responsibility for her since “he works a lot?” Do you have enough of a relationship with her to make that work?

    #672798 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Really, there’s just one thing you need to ask yourself. Would he have proposed if you hadn’t pressured him into it? If you hadn’t kept “bringing up the moving in and marriage convo?” Which by your own admission caused the relationship to become “really rocky?”

    You know the answer to that, don’t you?

    So. Do you want to be married to someone whose arm had to be twisted to get them to agree to it? Or would you rather marry a man who is with you fully and joyfully, and who can’t wait to be your husband?

    If it’s the latter, then you need to find someone else. This man is never going to give you what you want. Oh, maybe if you pester him some more, and beg, and cry, and plead, and threaten, you might wear him down enough that he finally marries you just to make the nagging stop. But that doesn’t sound like a marriage I’d want to be in.

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