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Dealing with sex issues related to health problems

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This topic contains 48 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar london 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 49 total)
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  • #718078 Reply
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    london

    Update-3 months on from when I wrote in. We are still together and very much in love-I can not imagine not being with him. The issue is still a work in progress. We found out that his bad shoulder,that made a lot of various movements painful-is actually broken in two places,has bone chips and arthritis has set in. This was not addressed or diagnosed during his original health crisis. So,he will be getting examined by an expert soon and likely have surgery etc.
    So I am hopeful that he will feel better in time. His pain level is quite bad. Also, hopeful that fixing this will lead to the ability to focus on the physical-romance thing. I thank all those who responded and Wendy of course-I know it will be a process that may or may not result in everything I want and need-but as of now I am committed to him.

    #718080 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Well.

    I can 99.5% guarantee you, you are not ever going to have a sex life with this guy. I hope that the companionship is enough. Good that he’s getting his health at least checked and looked after so that he can live a longer and more comfortable life.

    #718084 Reply
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    london

    Thanks,Kate
    I am a little surprised at your pessimisim. My optimistic view is that chronic pain is not conducive to sex/romance. We shall see what happens. Honestly,if was advising someone else,a few months ago I wpuld have said to forget it. Love is a mysterious thing and can lead to dealing with,accepting things a person could not have imagined. I my have to bail yet as it is a situation that is frustrating but time will tell. I will update again sometime.

    #718087 Reply
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    Kate

    It’s realism, London. I’m not a pessimistic person. I just know how things go.

    #718526 Reply
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    london

    Kate,you may be right,but I am not going there just yet-thanks for your input.

    #718578 Reply
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    Kate

    I know… I guess my advice is that “optimism” that this particular man is going to be willing and able to have the kind of sex life with you that you’d like, once his shoulder is mended, is not warranted based on all the available data that we have (maybe there’s more you haven’t shared though).

    So if I were you, my mindset would be, well, let’s see if this gets any better when he’s not in constant pain from his shoulder, but I should be asking myself how much sexual activity I need, and be prepared to adjust my expectations or else walk.

    I truly don’t think optimism that he’ll reach your desired level of sexual interest and activity is sensible. All signs point to “no.”

    #718591 Reply
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    Kate

    And I’m not saying you’re not a sensible woman or that optimism isn’t a good thing! I think it may not be so great in a case like this though, because if you have it in your head that he’s going to really improve in bed once his shoulder feels better, well, you’ll likely be disappointed, and that wouldn’t be a good thing for either of you.

    #718596 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I went back and reread your initial post. I’m with Kate on this one. I don’t think the sexual aspect of your relationship will change. In spite of the broken shoulder and pain he managed to work and drive but he hasn’t managed to have sex. If an erection is essential to him for sex and he can’t have an erection, even with Viagra, then he can’t have sex that satisfies him.

    #718604 Reply
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    Ron

    Depending what drugs he’s been taking for the pain, being in a nonmedicated state might well put him in a position where no pain/no drugs/Viagra allows him to have sex.

    #718623 Reply
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    Kate

    Maybe, Ron, it’s just he hasn’t really seemed motivated to make an effort to please her in other ways, and it’s been 6 months.

    #718633 Reply
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    london

    Thanks Kate and Ron- I hear what you are saying and it may well be the case that our needs and abilities are just too different in the sexual area-though I feel I have tempered my expectations to fit the situation. But he needs to be giving and trying too. Time will tell.
    I want to explain a bit more about his health. When he had the stroke,he was so severely damaged-paralysed from the neck down,unsble to feed himself,control his body functions etc. Thus,his shoulder,which he hurt when he fell,got a bit lost as far as focus and treatment went. It is amazing that he now,walks ( a cane needed and he drags his leg a bit)works full time at a demanding job,etc. etc. He shoulder was bad when I met him but has become progressively worse-to the point where e can barely put his arms round me. So,finally he is getting it properly diagnosed.
    Anyway,I will see what happens after this is addressed,as other than the sex thing,we have an amazing love and compatibility,he is a great,thoughtful man. But I cannot honestly be happy long term in a low/no sex relationship. I also plan to discuss this with a therapist. I know this would have been an automatic deal breaker yeaars ago but am trying to be patient and understanding here. Thanks,again. Will write again.

    #719090 Reply
    carolann
    carolann
    Member

    I believe there may still be hope. I don’t know what meds he is on, but I will say that the only time my husband ever had any issues was when he was on meds and then it was a limp noodle.
    Having a stroke is such a blow to a mans self esteem. It is so humbling. (I know someone who commited suicide after a stroke because it dealt their self esteem such a blow and lead to deep depression.)Maybe over time he may start to “get his groove back”. If viagra hasn’t helped there are other things. Zinc really helps mans drive, so does maca. I would assume his testosterone levels have been checked? It may be hormonal as well as emotional.
    And to respond to what you said about pain…I can’t get in the mood for anything when I am in pain, so I can understand why he wouldn’t.
    There could be mutiple things going on.
    And you don’t have to see him naked, do you? Turn off the lights and cover up if it makes him more cozy.

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