Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Depressed partner

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Depressed partner

This topic contains 32 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by bittergaymark Bittergaymark 1 month, 1 week ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 33 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #681561 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Oh yeah, don’t move forward with moving in on that timeline – you can’t.

    My husband is a “fixer” and a caretaker and a problem solver. He was in a relationship for a couple years with a woman who lost her dad really young and is super needy and wants to be taken care of 100%. It was an unsustainable dynamic and wore him out. She’s since found a guy who is also a caretaker but it seems to have worked out. Anyway, she’s not suffering from depression, those are different issues, but the point is no one can fix what’s wrong with her, and she and my husband were a bad fit.

    When I get into a bad place, his instinct is to fix it, and sometimes, situationally, he can. I’m way better with him than I was with other guys. But he can’t fix what’s essentially wrong with me, and I tell him that: it’s not your job. It’s not possible. I have to manage it myself, and fortunately I usually can. It’s working. I can be a good partner most of the time.

    What you describe isn’t really working, and he’s not ok. He does have to figure it out and get help. This caretaker or wounded-bird relationship dynamic isn’t good for either of you.

    #681562 Reply
    avatar
    Ron

    You are deluding yourself. You say at least he’s going in the right direction with the sleep apnea treatment, except he hasn’t. He’s seen the doctor, but as you report he hasn’t pulled the trigger and actually started treatment. And apparently no treatment for depression until the doctor sees if the sleep apnea treatment, which he isn’t willing to start, will improve the depression. So you are in an endless loop with this guy, whom you’ve had lots of problems, fights, and separation in the past but now you think things are good as you describe a situation which is incredibly far from good and also not improving. MOA. You can’t save somebody who is unwilling to pull the trigger to save himself. Seeing a doctor is not progress unless you are willing to begin the treatment, and he isn’t. You just seem way, WAY too willing to imagine positive signs.

    #681565 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I agree with Ron that you’re not seeing this clearly. It sounds like you’re dependent on each other, or codependent, but you’re not seeing how bad and unsustainable this actually is. You shouldn’t feel good about and be excited about moving forward to living together, with a guy who’s only ok 30% of the time (if that) and whose reactions are totally unpredictable, and might cry for 7 hours at any time.

    And honestly, any guy can get you a 6-pack, a pizza, and some flowers. That’s not actually emotional support. It’s a nice gesture.

    #681591 Reply
    Stonegypsy
    Stonegypsy
    Participant

    @Ron @kate I appreciate your perspective, and will definitely think about what you’re saying. I do think that forum posts asking for advice like this provide a pretty limited view of the situation. I’m exhausted by the situation, so I’m focusing on the issue at hand, and not on the redeeming qualities. I know the situation isn’t good right now, and I know that if he doesn’t actively seek help that this is not sustainable, but if there weren’t a lot of ways in which he is a good partner, I wouldn’t be trying. So I’m not ready to MOA just yet, though I accept that it may come to that.
    Right now I’m just trying to figure out how to find balance, and maybe looking for some reassurance that even thinking about how much this is wearing me out doesn’t make me a cold, selfish, unfeeling person.
    The answer appears to be, as usual, start with a hard conversation.

    #681596 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    “Right now I’m just trying to figure out how to find balance, and maybe looking for some reassurance that even thinking about how much this is wearing me out doesn’t make me a cold, selfish, unfeeling person.”

    Definitely not.

    #681601 Reply
    avatar
    Jimmyjam

    Guess who’s back, back again.

    This thread made me want to have another drink.

    Please don’t move in together. It will kill anything you don’t have already.

    Stop “seeing” other people, it is apparent that it is really affecting him mentally and physically. If you can’t do that than end it, you will both be better off. The fact he is catatonic at all is extremely concerning.

    #681676 Reply
    Stonegypsy
    Stonegypsy
    Participant

    @jimmyjam
    Since I’ve only been “seeing” (why is that in quotations) this person for the last couple weeks, and aside from that I’ve gone on exactly one date since last July, I feel like that’s probably not the issue.
    And ending it would do very little good in that sense, since he will only date other polyamorous people.

    We had a really, really long talk yesterday evening and decided to postpone moving in together for now. I am beyond exhausted, and I honestly didn’t even realize it until yesterday, so I am going to take a couple weeks of space, and he is going to buy the sleep apnea machine, and also find a therapist. If treating the sleep apnea doesn’t help, he will see his doctor to try something else. I’m not sure what our future together looks like, or how much of one there is, but it will definitely require him finding other sources of emotional support.

    I feel sad, but relieved to have it off my chest, and to be getting some space. I had not realized how much it has been weighing on me.
    Thanks for the input, everyone.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Stonegypsy Stonegypsy.
    #681679 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Is he getting shitty sleep? That will definitely make you feel like everything is awful, and you’re way more able to tackle issues when sleeping properly… but it will take time to figure this all out. Good luck, I’m glad you put it out there and postponed moving forward.

    #681680 Reply
    Stonegypsy
    Stonegypsy
    Participant

    @kate yeah, he does not sleep well ever. And I’ve known for the entire 3 years we’ve been together that he has sleep apnea, but he didn’t go see a doctor about it until recently. I’m so glad he’s finally going ahead with the treatment! He’s going to call today.

    #681682 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    It’s hard to sort out sleep from depression. Is he overweight (I know that’s linked to apnea)?

    #681684 Reply
    Stonegypsy
    Stonegypsy
    Participant

    No, he’s not. He’s gained a little in the time I’ve known him, but when we met he was very fit.

    #681685 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    You’re as delusional as he is depressed. Worse, you keep backpedaling. You say one thing, somebody here calls you on it — and you immediately change your tune to fit your narrative… .
    .
    NEWSFLASH! The fact that you are even entertaining the thought of moving in with somebody who spends 40% percent of their life with you curled up in a ball speaks volumes.
    .
    And yet… somehow… You remain oblivious to just how fucking nuts this all is.
    .
    MOA.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 33 total)
Reply To: Depressed partner
Your information:




Comments on this entry are closed.