Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Depressed partner

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This topic contains 32 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by bittergaymark Bittergaymark 1 month, 1 week ago.

Viewing 9 posts - 25 through 33 (of 33 total)
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  • #681688 Reply
    Stonegypsy
    Stonegypsy
    Participant

    Thanks Mark. Helpful as always.
    Where did I backpedal?

    #681690 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    You backpedal with almost every post.
    .
    Reread the thread. Seriously.
    .
    Here is but two examples:

    “He’s catatonic 70% of the time.” “He’s catatonic 70% of the time?!??” “No, its just he’s curled up in a ball 40% of the time. General depression 30% of the time…”

    “He spirals whenever I bring up a new partner.” “Gee, maybe he can’t handle poly!” “No, this other partner Has only been a new thing…”
    .
    If telling you to terminate what must be one of the most obviously bad relationships on here in ages (just THINK on that for a moment) truly ISN’T helpful, then I don’t know what is…

    #681691 Reply
    Stonegypsy
    Stonegypsy
    Participant

    Okay. Thanks again for the super helpful input 🙂

    #681693 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    You know what? Forget just moving in with Mr Sunshine! Marry him! Have a baby, too, while your at it… EVERYTHING will work out just fine…

    #681720 Reply
    avatar
    Ron

    Really, you should consider what Mark is saying. Another example of backtracking: “I try to avoid talking about being excited about other partners because I worry he’ll spiral and I’ll spend the next 7 hours hugging him while he cries because I’m excited about someone else.”

    It’s April. If you’ve only had one date since July, why would this even be a problem? Why do you feel the need to prattle on with this depressed guy about how excited you are with your other lovers? That seems almost casual cruelty, since you say you’ve noticed that he often doesn’t react well to this.

    If you are so excited with your other partners, why in the world are you spending all of your time with your depressed partner. And spending 40-70% of his time with you crying in a catatonic fetal ball seems to me to go well beyond garden variety depression. You say that you comfort him, but I wonder to what extent you are a trigger for his depressive episodes. Being happy, or even functional, only 30% of the time he is with you is not at all good. You say those 30% times are very good, but I have to seriously wonder if they aren’t very good only in comparison to the 30% of the time which is bad and the 40% which is mind-crushingly awful.

    #681750 Reply
    barleystonks
    Barleystonks

    So as someone who has both severe mental illness and is poly… I think I need to agree that you probably aren’t the right relationship for him right now. He clearly isn’t in a good enough place to handle the poly aspect, no matter what he believes in general. He honestly doesn’t sound like he’s in a place to handle any relationship right now. I’m glad he’s agreed to get help but… you’ve heard this before, and nothing changed. He says he will and then doesn’t follow through. I think you really need to focus o. Your deadline on this. And honestly it’s possible that you may come up against it and the best thing you can do FOR HIM, not just you, is to leave him as that may be what he needs to make him get his act together. But right now this relationship is obviously making both of you miserable, and I feel like you’re holding on at least partly due to a sunk cost thing. I understand he makes you happy 30% of the time, but that is not enough to sustain a relationship.

    #681754 Reply
    avatar
    dinoceros
    Member

    I know it might seem like people are trying to criticize the poly aspect, but I think that folks are genuinely considering that as part of the context here. In the first post, you were saying that talking about other partners was triggering an emotional response from him. Just because he’s chosen to have poly relationships doesn’t mean that it’s not still affecting him, like what Barleystonks is saying. Doesn’t mean that he doesn’t believe in it or it isn’t for him overall, but it’s sounds, based on your description, like it creates emotions in him that consequently, he has trouble processing. Even if you think that he’d date another poly person after you doesn’t mean that breaking up wouldn’t help. Presumably he might be single for a while, and if he wasn’t, that wouldn’t really be your fault or responsibility.

    I think there’s a fine line between supporting someone with mental illness and having boundaries. I think it’s important to support their treatment and management, but supporting them just sort of treading water for years isn’t really helpful. In theory, he might not ever choose to do anything about it. I think you have to decide at what point this is just what you get when you’re with him versus a temporary state.

    #681757 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I honestly think there’s a fine line between supporting and enabling. And it’s not that fine.

    #681825 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    I have no problems with poly. I wouldn’t say I am exactly a poly devotee but I have been the third in several relationships where it worked out quite well for all involved…

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