Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Disappearing Boyfriend

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Disappearing Boyfriend

This topic contains 82 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by avatar Ana 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 61 through 72 (of 83 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #697642 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Oh it’s not that interesting, just a hotbed of made-up-shit for the past few years. And when someone makes a point of naming their city, and they’re actually writing in from this other place, it’s a bit suspish. I’ll be watching these IPs.

    #697650 Reply
    avatar
    Leslie Joan

    Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think the city matters or the LW’s actual purported level of education or degree of real-itude matters. Certainly there are plenty of real people who are engaged in this kind of self deception, even if it isn’t someone trying to deceive us. The bottom line is that we don’t need to keep trying to talk somebody out of something that isn’t going to change, whether it’s someone trying to snooker us, or someone with an unsound way of managing her relationships. You can only lead a horse to a solution, you can’t make him accept it.

    #697651 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, this particular thing matters to me though.

    #697654 Reply
    avatar
    anonymousse
    Member

    If he loved you, you’d be invited on these adventures. If he loved you, he’d make you his priority. That’s what men do when they actually love someone.
    Talk is cheap. Anyone can tell you they want the same things that you do, but it’s smarter to pay attention to what he’s actually doing. All his actions are saying he’s never going to change and is going to go on these frequent men’s trips for as long as he can. How does that fit in with building a happy relationship with you? How does that help prepare him for the prospect of being a father?
    His friends view women as disposable…and what do you think he really thinks about women? It’s not “city life” I’ve lived in three large, American cities. Good men are out there, but you need to look in the right places. If you think men who view women that way are good partner material, you will have an unhappy future.

    #697657 Reply
    avatar
    Leslie Joan

    I’m not sure I buy the argument that “if he loved you, he would do fill-in-the-blank.” He may love her very much, according to his own lights, but he has shown repeatedly that he isn’t interested in showing love the way this LW claims to want. My Love-O-Meter is broken, so I can’t determine the truthiosity of his claims, but it doesn’t change his actions so it doesn’t matter, even though LW seems to think it counts. It doesn’t. Love and whatever buys a cup of coffee in your city will buy you a cup of coffee. LW clearly isn’t interested in seeing this, and prefers the mire of self deception. It’s addictive thinking. Just like the gambler who is SURE that her number will come up if she just makes one more bet.

    Of course Kate as key master needs to care about the trolls (and thanks for what you do – it’s appreciated); I’m just saying that for me it’s academic because there are plenty of people who are like the LW even if she/he isn’t real. And engaging with himmer is still a waste of time based on hizzer responses, is all.

    #697659 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    That’s true, a guy can love you / believe he loves you, and still not be able to do what you want him to do. It can be love and still a terrible match.

    #697660 Reply
    avatar
    SherBear

    JN I am quite familiar with “urban city life and dating” and it sounds like your boyfriend and his friends are the exact types of men that most of us women avoid. So they are rich and own clubs and like to party and see and be seen? Yea every city has that group of douchebags and if you break out of that small group you’ll find literally thousands of men who aren’t completely full of sh*t! And for what it’s worth (and it shouldn’t matter but hey it was brought up as part of urban city living) I come from quite a bit of money myself so no, not all rich people act like that – nor do all professional athletes or retired ones. Sounds like you def like being in the ‘in crowd ‘ so have fun alone in your 4 bedroom house facebook stalking his friends’ hookups!

    #697661 Reply
    avatar
    anonymousse
    Member

    Call me crazy, but I believe people prioritize what they care about in life. Be that a girlfriend, boyfriend, child, randoms in multiple cities, misogynistic bros… when you care about something, you show up. You are there.

    I’ll stick with my “If he loved you, he’d want to travel with you and he would be prioritizing you over his dude bros and random women.”

    #697662 Reply
    avatar
    Fyodor

    I would like to return to the asking him before and after if he cheats. Is he in some kind of narrow ethical sweet spot where he can’t be trusted not to cheat but *can* be trusted not to lie about cheating?

    #697665 Reply
    avatar
    JN
    Member

    Thanks Kate and Leslie. Wish I could just delete this whole thread. I wish I had never posted.

    #697667 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    “I feel I deserve more love and attention, am I wrong?”

    I went back to your original post to see what you were wanting to get out of this site. You do deserve more. That’s why everyone is telling you to move on because you aren’t going to get more from this guy. He likes his life as is. He likes it so much he has decided to ask you to live with him. He isn’t asking you to live with him so that he can make a sudden change. He is asking you to live with him because he likes the status quo. He likes having his trips and having you too. He likes having you around when he is around. That in no way means he is planning to give up the trips with the guys. He assumes he can have you and all of the trips. He is so sure of it that he has asked you to move in. He knows you’ll be waiting for him when he returns from each trip. If you aren’t sure of that ask him if he plans to keep traveling with the guys after you move in. He’ll probably be surprised that you even asked. Of course he’s going to keep traveling with the guys.

    #697668 Reply
    avatar
    ktfran
    Participant

    I also reject the notion that if he loves you, he’ll do xyz. Can’t the same be said in reverse? If she loves you, she’ll let you do xyz.

    If neither are willing to compromise, it’s a mismatch. Neither is wrong.

    Once you get into mindset of “if you love me, you’ll do everything I want you to do” that’s not love. That’s controlling. And frankly, I find it disgusting. I’m not directing this at you, JN, but anon’s comment. There’s nothing wrong with autonomy, as long as you both are understanding and are accepting and compromising of each other’s particular needs.

Viewing 12 posts - 61 through 72 (of 83 total)
Reply To: Disappearing Boyfriend
Your information:




Comments on this entry are closed.