Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Do I stay or Do I go?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Do I stay or Do I go?

This topic contains 9 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar Heatherly 5 days, 10 hours ago.

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  • #735624 Reply
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    Unknown

    So right now I am very confused on what to do.. Here’s the story. So I met my boyfriend the first week of August and we dated all the way to November. Here’s the backstory on him. He is from Africa and moved to New York 2 years ago and then moved to Minnesota the state that we both live in currently in JUly.. I asked him why he moved to New York and from New York to Minnesota and he said that the cost of living was to expensive in New York which made sense to me. I also asked him like I would anyone I want to get romantically involved with when was the last time that he had sex and he said a long time ago but now since this situation happened I now realized I need to clarify with people to be more specific. Anyways I would see him weekly and we would talk on the phone almost everyday except on his work days Our relationship was just ok because of the many arguments we had but I would say towards the end we were starting to get serious and things were looking up. So on NOvember 12th was the day he stopped messaging me back completely and didn’t answer his phone. In the beginning I was a nervous girlfriend who was worried about her boyfriend like is he ok? Then I checked on another app that me and him chatted on and the app showed he had been online so my concern now turns to anger now that I know he is ignoring me. So I would send him messages and calls 3 times a week and the longer the weeks passed it would be 2 then it would be 1 and soon after it would be here and there. So on Monday I felt like I really wanted to know what was going on with him so I decided to go to his house unannounced and his car was there so I knew he was there. I rang the doorbell and it took him some time but then he finally answered and he tries to hug me and I kept pushing him away and I asked him over and over why he hasn’t messaged me in 2 months and he keeps beating around the bush which was making me more upset. He told me now that he saw me he realizes he still loves me but I told him again I don’t care just tell me why you haven’t messaged me in 2 months. I realized he wasn’t going to tell me so I left. I broke down in tears once I got in my car.. So Tuesday night I decide that I am going to go back but this time I am going to get the answers to my questions. I rang the doorbell and this time there wasn’t an answer but I knew he was there because I could hear footsteps from inside the house. So I decided to leave since he didn’t answer the door but once inside my car I get a call from him telling me to come inside so I do. Even though it took some time to get it out of him he finally gave in and told me the real reason why he hasn’t spoken to me in 2 months is because before he moved to Minnesota he had sex with his ex who he had a sort of serious relationship with and he found out in November that he she’s 4 months pregnant. He told me she didn’t want to tell him but someone in her family forced her to. He also told me that he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me. He said he doesn’t have feelings for her and if he could do it all over again he wished he wouldn’t have sex with her. He also doesn’t seem to excited about the pregnancy of his daughter. I find it funny that he told me about his other ex’s but forgot to mention to me he had a relationship with someone before he came to Minnesota. He also told me that she wants him back now that they are having a child but I refuse to deal with any drama in this situation. I feel stupid but I won’t lie old feelings did come back and he has 2 options. 1) He could still be with me and do what he needs to do whatever he needs to do for his daughter and I will support him 2) We could be friends and I will understand if he wants to try to makes things work for the mother of his child. He told me that she wants him back and I refuse to deal with any drama. I am scared like hell that me and him will work through this and 4 months from now he holds his daughter and realizes he wants to work things out with the mother of his child and I asked him if he can see that happening and he told me he’s not sure and can’t tell me no which doesn’t make sense to me because if you claim you don’t have feelings for her why can’t you promise me that? I am scared and hurt. I don’t have any kids and neither did he when I first met him and I wanted my first child to be with him and vice versa. My heart is breaking as I am typing this message. I am young (19) and definitely too young to be in a situation like this. I don’t know if I should but my heart on the line which I am afraid of and see what happens 4 months from now, walk away or be his friend.

    #735629 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    WTF?! I’m sorry but someone ghosts you for 2 months after 3 & 1/2 dating & you decide to harrass him for months then repeatedly turn up at his door?! No Fricking Way!! He’s not the only person in the wrong. ( I don’t approve of that behavior but your reaction is verging on unstable) Move on already & get counseling as you have issues. Also once someone says their ex is pregnant you walk away. Nothing good can come out of this. Too much drama & you don’t even know this man well enough to bother with this level of angst.

    Geez. And no to the friends thing as you don’t want his friendship, you hope for more. No idea why, but you do. So time to ghost him & stop all contact. Definitely get therapy.

    #735630 Reply
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    Kate

    No no no no no. You don’t want this man. Step away. Your relationship lasted 3 months, at most, and it was just ok at best because you two couldn’t stop arguing. And then he ghosted you after 3 months! And is having a baby with his recent ex, which is a mess. This was never good. Plus he’s bullshitting you right now about loving you, he’s just saying whatever to get you off his back. Recognize that you’re a lovely and dignified woman and walk away from this.

    #735633 Reply
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    Golfer.gal

    Holy shit. You saw this guy once a week for like 3-4 months, so 12-15 times total, during which time there was much drama and many ups and downs. And you….were planning to have children with this guy? You showed up to his house uninvited multiple times after he ghosted you and made it clear he wasn’t interested? You are seriously thinking of tring to start something with him despite him having a child on the way? You need to walk away from this situation and get some serious help. Therapy, asap. Your reactions to all of this are really bizarre and concerning. Nothing about this is healthy. You’re a teenager, and teenagers do dumb shit, but you are quickly approaching adulthood and you need to start acting like…an adult.

    #735636 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Lose this guys number then find a therapist to work out why you would go crazy trying to get answers from a dude you only had an ‘ok’ relationship with for three lousy months. He’s not worth the gas money you spent to drive over there but you turned yourself into half a stalker. You need to value yourself more.

    #735638 Reply
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    dogmom

    What part of him not contacting you for two months don’t you understand? He doesn’t want to be with you. And you turning up repeatedly at his house is creepy. How old are you? Just let it go.

    #735646 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    Just nope.

    #735649 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Of course you should walk away. I get that ghosting is hurtful, but if you know someone doesn’t want to talk to you, then showing up at their house without their permission is not good. Why would you want to be with someone who so clearly wanted to stop dating or talking to you? You should want to be with someone who doesn’t ignore you for months on end.

    #735651 Reply
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    Sarah

    You dated for 3 months, it didn’t work out. This is too much information and too much obsession for 3 months. Get help to find out why you are obsessed with a man that does not want you. Because this man does not want you.

    #735657 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    Look, I realise you are young and possibly this was one of your first relationships. But please pay attention to peoples actions, rather then just they words they say ( applies to all interactions with people) . If you’re lucky then peoples words & actions match and then there is no ambiguity in what someone wants. But if there is a missmatch then pay less attention to what they say & more attention to what they do. This man after a very short & indifferent relationship( in any healthy relationship the first 6 months should good & fairly stress free- honeymoon period) , ghosted you. This is hurtful & lacks honesty and respect, but does mean he doesn’t want to be with you. Whatever words he said after you found him aren’t that relevent( but the bit about his ex being pregnant with his child- Red Flag) & the fact that he’s once again hiding from you means he isn’t into you. He may enjoy the attention & having regular sex, but he doesn’t care about you.

    Get counseling about how to deal with loss, reading social cues and gaining self esteem. Don’t stalk people. It can lead to seriously messed up situations and legal problems. MOA.

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