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Dear Wendy

Dreamless

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This topic contains 62 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by avatar RedroverRedrover 1 week ago.

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  • #693158 Reply
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    B

    Hi everyone,

    This is my first time posting. I’m not sure who else to talk to about this and it’s taken me a while to think about what to say… any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    I started dating my girlfriend 6 years ago and left for Japan 1 month in. We spent a year in long distance and I came back for her. I really enjoyed my time in Japan and it was my dream to return and become a translator. We fought many times over this as she did not want to leave Canada. She is an immigrant and received her citizenship a few years ago. She’s happy with her job and so does not want to start over in a new country. I compromised and told her I would give up on the dream and stay here. She said we could go there for vacation. Although I agreed at the time, anyone who’s lived in another country knows going there on vacation is not the same.

    We’re getting married in August but I’ve been feeling so depressed lately. Living in Canada, I don’t feel any ambition or drive to do anything new. In Japan, I was really motivated to learn Japanese and really worked hard to learn the language. I felt a real sense of accomplishment when I was able to pass a fairly difficult language test. Here in Canada, I just feel I’m wasting time, not learning anything new at my job or in life. I really don’t want to think so negatively. I want the marriage to start off right, but my mind keeps drifting the thought of living in Japan. What’s worse is I had the opportunity to take a dream job in Japan but gave it up for marriage. I’m going through some major cognitive dissonance… on the one hand, I want to get married and have children, but on the other, I feel like I’ve thrown away my dreams. My heart literally aches when I think about it. I’m still going to move forward with the wedding but I don’t know how to move forward with my dreams.

    #693197 Reply
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    Heather

    Sorry to say this, but you need to split up from your fiancée. Before you get married. Because you’re dreading the future with her. You may love her, but not enough to want to give up on your dream. If you do marry it’ll end up in divorce sooner then later. Let her go.

    #693198 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Life always has trade-offs. You can never have everything and so you must prioritize what you want. At this point you are trading Japan for marriage to your girlfriend but you aren’t happy with that trade-off. If you gave up the marriage for Japan would you have the same level of unhappiness? If you went to Japan could you meet someone else who also wants to live in Japan? You might get to have both Japan and marriage. If you stayed in Canada and get married could you find something that would challenge you as much as Japan did? Could you have the marriage and the same degree of accomplishment? Think about your options. Prioritize what you want most and then figure out how to meet the rest of what you want.

    #693203 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I’m not sure you realize how disastrous it is to a marriage when each partner strongly wishes to live in a different place. As in, relationship-destroying. You tried Japan and it didn’t get out of your system; that’s still where you really want to be. It’s unfair to her to marry her with the feeling that you gave up your dream to be with her. Unless you can figure out a way to do something you’d be happy with in Canada, like being a language teacher, and you’d really be content, this isn’t a good idea. She deserves a spouse who’s happy with his life, and you deserve to be happy.

    #693228 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    I agree with what others have said. It’s not a good plan and is colossally unfair to get married when you know there is a huge source of unhappiness that is directly linked to your partner. Your fiancé isn’t wrong to want to stay in Canada, you’re not wrong to want to live in Japan. You are wrong if you continue to let these feelings fester. If you continue down this path you’re going to be very resentful and that will destroy your marriage. Either figure out a way to be ok with not living in Japan, give your fiancé an ultimatum that moving there is a requirement for your relationship, or end your relationship and go live in Japan.

    #693233 Reply

    I vote for ending the relationship, and you moving to Japan to live your dream.

    #693242 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Go to Japan. You will always resent your gf because you didn’t follow your dreams.

    #693248 Reply
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    Northern Star

    You already resent your fiancee. It’s not going to get better with marriage—you’ll just feel even MORE stuck. For the rest of your life.

    Gotta say, if the lure of mastering the Japanese language has a stronger pull than the thought of having a FAMILY AND FUTURE WITH YOUR FIANCEE, that should give you REAL pause about marrying her.

    #693262 Reply

    It’s not like he won’t meet any women in Japan. There are a lot of different nationalities that live in and visit Japan, so it’s probable that he will meet someone else he’d want to marry and start a family with.

    Please GO to Japan and live your life! Don’t go forward with the marriage. You are just going to make you and her miserable because you will start to resent her.

    #693270 Reply
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    Northern Star

    Exactly, Cleopatra Jones. There are lots of other women that might be a better fit for B. I just can’t imagine B really should be with his fiancee in the first place—even if she was willing to move to Japan, honestly—if “mastering Japanese” is more exciting and fulfilling than having a future with her.

    #693272 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    There are tons of expats in Japan. Some are all about digging into Japanese culture and some are there for work and would appreciate someone who can help them navigate and translate.

    I just got back from Osaka. I can see the appeal.

    #693274 Reply
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    B

    We’re a month away from getting married and we’ve invited everyone. I want to get married and have kids but I am already feeling the resentment. I don’t think I’m going into this marriage in the right mindset. I WANT to set new dreams and goals.. there just isn’t the same sense of fulfillment when I do it. When I passed up a job going back to Japan it killed me inside. I felt like I sold myself short and I can’t stop looking back. I really want to look forward and change this mindset…

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