Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy


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This topic contains 62 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by avatar RedroverRedrover 2 months ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 63 total)
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  • #693275 Reply

    Why don’t you talk to a life coach or a career coach? A lot of people feel stuck and uninspired in their careers and lives in general, and it’s not necessarily because their relationship sucks. Maybe your relationship really is great (we don’t know since we’re not in it) but your crappy feelings about what you do for a living are dragging you down.

    I’m not going to say whether your should or shouldn’t break up. But I’ll share a link with a coaching service with you should you be interested:

    I worked with Rachel for a while, she was great! And she actually used to be a regular Dear Wendy contributor before she got so busy running her own business.

    Anyway, just something you might want to look into.

    #693276 Reply

    Maybe try this… it’s something you can do in a day. See how you feel afterwards. Maybe it’ll give you some clarity as to whether your issue is your relationship, or if there’s a possibility of finding a satisfying career AND being married to the woman.

    #693278 Reply

    Have you read any of the responses?

    Breaking off this engagement DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU ARE GIVING UP MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN. Your fiancee is not the only woman on the planet. She is, apparently, the wrong woman for you.

    You can have Japan and marriage and children. Just not with this person. You’re not doing her any kindness by going ahead with the wedding when you have these kinds of fundamental doubts. Yeah, she’ll be pissed when you call off the wedding. But not nearly as pissed as she would be if you come to her a year after the wedding and say you want a divorce.

    Unless you’re going into this marriage with full certainty that you want to be with this woman for the rest of your life, and with anticipation and joy at the thought of building your lives together, then you have no business marrying her. And your friends and family will think you’re the biggest asshole on the planet for marrying her when you knew your heart wasn’t in it.

    Do the right thing. End the engagement. Go back to Japan and live the life you want.

    #693279 Reply

    Do you want to “get married and have kids” or do you want to get married and have kids WITH HER? You mention wanting to be married and have kids but i don’t see you talking about you desperately wanting those things with her… Just something to consider.

    #693280 Reply

    Look, a cancelled wedding is cheaper and less gut wretchingly painful than a marriage filled with resentment, anger and sadness and then a bitter divorce. Oh bring children into it?! That’s innocent children whom have deal with their parents hatred of each other.

    Be certain you want this woman and the life you’ve got. If you can’t give up on Japan and happily so, tell your partner and split with dignity(before the wedding). She deserves someone who is excited to share a life with her. This a classic deal breaker- wanting to live in different places from each other and hating to give up on that. This isn’t something that can be compromised on.

    #693285 Reply
    Northern Star

    You know what will be painful and difficult? Your children having a father who wishes he never married their mother and got “stuck” in the life he’s living. You already resent your fiancee; just wait until you resent your kids.

    #693286 Reply

    Add another voice to the chorus telling you to cancel the wedding and move to Japan.

    This is your ONE life, man. You will meet someone who wants to live your dream with you. This is not that woman.

    Good luck.

    #693287 Reply

    Eh… Your fiancé sounds like a real wet blanket. MOA. PS — I’ve been invited to more cancelled weddings than I can even remember. It’s so not THAT big a deal to call it off. Marrying somebody you ALREADY resent for squashing your dreams is so fucking stupid though. Yeah… I worry that you probably aren’t smart enough to ever master Japanese!! 😉

    #693289 Reply

    Same opinion as the others. its the kinder thing to release her now. Her life very likely will be much ‘worse’ if you break up later and she’s older or a mom already when she’s looking for a new partner, possibly a partner to have kids with. She must be a lovely and attractive woman and she’ll probably be feeling just fine in a year or two even if you’re sure she’ll be devastated now.

    #693291 Reply

    This is also why I am against most LDRs… Think about it. Had you just ended things ONE MONTH IN, trust me — you’d have had a MUCH better time in Japan. You’d be living there RIGHT NOW! Working your dream job! Go on exciting adventures… Oh, and NEWSFLASH! You’d definitely be married or happily dating somebody else much more interesting….

    #693292 Reply

    I’m not really sure what you want from us if you already know you’re going to marry her. You can’t marry her and also fulfill your dream. Not possible. You’re actively choosing a life that makes you feel depressed. I think it’s likely that if you go through with it now, you’re going to end up divorced at some point. Might as well get it right in the beginning, right?

    The first mistake was continuing to fight over this issue rather than just seeing that you both wanted different things and are not compatible. The second mistake was ending the fights by just giving in, even if it clearly made you unhappy. You don’t get points for giving up your dream for someone. You get literally nothing in return for that.

    #693293 Reply

    If you want to give up the potential for resentment, then do something in Canada to bring Japan to your life. Find a language group, take classes to improve your skills, work as a volunteer tutor. But if you want to live in Japan and immerse yourself – you have one month to either get out of your engagement and make that happen or you have made your decision to stay.

    Your fiancee did not make this decision for you – YOU MADE THE DECISION. You had 6 years to make a move. You chose this life. You did. The only person you should resent is yourself.

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