Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Dreamless

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This topic contains 62 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by avatar RedroverRedrover 4 months ago.

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  • #693294 Reply
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    Fyodor

    “We’re a month away from getting married and we’ve invited everyone.”

    This is a really unsound basis for making important life decisions.

    Clear your mind, Neo.* Pretend you hadn’t proposed already to your fiance, that no wedding was scheduled and that there were no expectations from family, guests, etc. What would you choose to do? Would you propose again. Would you choose to be married to your fiance? Or would you cut it off and go to Japan. If the answer is Japan, then you should call off the wedding. The short term disappointment will fade. People will get over it. Your fiance, even will move on. The rest of your life is long (hopefully). Do what will make you happy.

    I married my wife because I knew that I’d be happier in a life with her than without her. But if I had woken up on my wedding day seriously believing otherwise I’d have cancelled the wedding.

    *Someone born when The Matrix came out is a legal adult now.

    #693299 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    One thing I’ll add….don’t be swayed in your decision by what you think you should do, or are expected to. Don’t marry her because you think it’s “the honorable thing to do.” In other words, don’t be a martyr.

    No one will think you’re a great guy for taking marriage vows you don’t mean.

    #693301 Reply
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    RedRoverRedRover

    LforLeslie made a great point – this has all been your decision. You gave up the job in Japan so you could be with her. That was your call. Not hers. You can’t resent her for not wanting what you want. Everyone’s allowed to have their own desires. The problem is that when your desires and hers didn’t match, you *chose* to push yours down and ignore them, even though you say it killed you inside.

    Now you’re about to make another choice. A huge one. Give up Japan forever, or give up your fiancee forever. Those are pretty much your choices. If you’re already miserable at the idea of giving up Japan forever, how do you think it will improve in 10 years? Won’t it only get worse? How would you feel if you got to the point where you felt that you had to leave your wife and small children and move to Japan alone? Isn’t that much worse than cancelling the wedding now?

    I’d recommend doing this – pretend that you’ve decided to call off the wedding. Put your head in that space. “I’ve called off the wedding, I can go to Japan if I want”. How do you feel? Live with that feeling for awhile. Keep coming back to it. Is it happier than you feel right now? Or is it even worse? Follow your gut, because that’s going to tell you what you really want.

    And if you decide in the end to stay with your fiancee, go get therapy and get past this resentment. It’s not *her* fault that you’ve been pretending to her that you’re ok with your decision to stay in Canada, when you’re clearly not. She obviously doesn’t know how deep this goes for you, or how torn you are. If you didn’t tell her, how could she know?

    #693302 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    A lot of good points. I also want to say that if you feel that taking vacations to Japan is not enough, then I don’t think there’s really anything else that would satisfy you. Taking trips there is probably the closest you’re going to come without actually choosing to live there. And if you feel that’s not a suitable substitute, then I don’t think there’s anything else that is going to be.

    #693316 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I’m not sure this guy will be happy with either decision. He wants both even though he can’t have both and I have to wonder if he will be just as unhappy with Japan if he gives up the fiance.

    If he likes a good challenge why hasn’t he found one in Canada? Why can he only be challenged and feeling accomplished in Japan? If he loves Japan so much why was he willing to give it up. Maybe he prefers to feel resentful and it is handy to have the fiance/wife as a scapegoat for why his life is unhappy. There is nothing like the person who always feels like they are owed more because they gave up something huge for their partner. LW Don’t be that person.

    LW No one will like you if you complain or bring up what you gave up to get married. You need to embrace your marriage or not get married. You need to go in without resentment or don’t do it at all. You need to be happy with your choice or make a different choice. You need to own your own choices.

    #693319 Reply
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    MissDre

    @skyblossom “I’m not sure this guy will be happy with either decision. He wants both even though he can’t have both and I have to wonder if he will be just as unhappy with Japan if he gives up the fiance.”

    This is why I mentioned talking to a career coach who might be able to help him find his work passion (LW I hope you’ll check out the link I posted earlier). I don’t disagree with everyone else, but sometimes I think we’re SO QUICK to say MOA when we’re not in the situation. Nothing wrong with spending a day looking at all your options before ending your relationship.

    #693352 Reply
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    Vathena

    Definitely don’t think that now you have to get married because you already invited everyone. It is MUCH worse for people to shell out their time and money to attend your wedding and give you gifts, only to find out later it was all an act. I once drove 8 hours with my new boyfriend to West Bum-f*ck, Ohio, to attend a HS friend’s wedding. It was lovely. I cried. The bride’s dad made a heartfelt toast saying that he hoped every father would one day feel as happy as he felt at that moment. There was a silly ice sculpture. The groom slow-danced with his mom to a Beatles song. Money was spent, tears were shed, hugs given. They were divorced within EIGHT MONTHS. Think of that, 200 people absolutely fooled into thinking these two people loved each other and wanted to spend their lives together. My then-boyfriend, now husband, and I still call this “the sham wedding”. Don’t have a sham wedding.

    #693360 Reply
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    Ale
    Member

    Whatever you do, you NEED to tell your fiancee this, right now. Today. She need to know what’s going on.

    #693386 Reply
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    B

    Thank you all for the advice. I will have a look at the website. I actually “gave up on my dream” 5 years ago when I came back from Canada the first time… I then gave it up again in January with the other job. I think part of me really wanted to have a wife and children whereas another part of me wanted to grow further. I chose to listen to the former and that is why I am feeling this way now. I will talk to her this week.

    #693387 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    You can get married and grow. You might have to marry someone else or you might need a different growth than you would get from moving to Japan. There is no reason why you can’t live in Canada and grow. If you choose to stay in Canada you need to find a challenge that will be difficult and rewarding. It is up to you to find it.

    You do need to talk to your fiance. I think at the very least you need to postpone the wedding until you can work out a future that you both want. If you can’t do that then you shouldn’t be married to each other.

    One more thing. If you haven’t felt like you could talk to her about this then the two of you don’t have the communication skills required to have a successful marriage. You should be able to tell her everything. You should feel comfortable having serious conversations. You should be able to share your hopes and dreams and concerns and troubles. It doesn’t sound like you do. Maybe the two of you would benefit from couples counseling so that you learn how to talk. That is something you need to work on before marriage.

    #693390 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    I think you’ve posted three times in this thread, and nowhere in there do you speak of your fiancee with affection. In fact, you barely mention her at all. Just that you want marriage and children. Not even, “I want marriage and children with her.” There’s nothing like “I love this woman with all my heart,” or “I can’t imagine life without her,” or “It kills me to think of breaking things off with her.” All of which are prerequisites for marrying someone.

    On the other hand, you speak with great passion about how much you loved your life in Japan, and how badly it hurt you to give up the job offer.

    It’s so obvious where your passion lies. And it’s not with this woman. She will know that you’re not happy in the marriage. And it will hurt her more than you can imagine. Let her go, so she can marry a man who truly cherishes her.

    #693424 Reply
    Kate B.
    Kate B.

    You did not compromise. A true compromise means that both sides get something. What did you get? Don’t marry this woman, move to Japan and follow your dream.

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