Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Dreamless

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This topic contains 62 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by avatar RedroverRedrover 2 months ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 63 total)
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  • #693429 Reply
    meadowphoenix
    meadowphoenix
    Participant

    <i>I actually “gave up on my dream” 5 years ago when I came back from Canada the first time… I then gave it up again in January with the other job.</i>

    Lol, so you were still looking for a job in Japan/having people think a job in Japan was an option for you even when it’s been clear for years that your GF/fiancee was never going to go there? Come on, man. You’re just torturing yourself here. I’m not even sure Japan will feel the same to you now, but it’s pretty shit to even consider or get emotionally invested in a job in Japan after years of a very clear no from your gf/fiancee if you aren’t going to break up with her and go to Japan. Shit to her, and shit to yourself.

    Storytime: My uncle after decades of marriage had an affair and went to Japan with his now wife. His kids hate him, and he wasted his ex-wife’s time, but he’s happy.

    #693441 Reply
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    csp

    LW- I want to vote that it is fine to call off a wedding or put it on hold. I just had a friend who got divorced 5 months after getting married. There were warning signs and you have a lot of concerns.

    You need to start talking to your fiancee about your long term plans. I love the life coach idea. Having similar life goals is the most important part of a relationship. Life does not go according to plan ever, but you need to have the same values, goals, and dreams. My husband and I are both people who love living in a suburb with a house and land and we love to travel. Neither of us felt compelled to live somewhere but we did want to see the world. When we finally had my son, we felt like we lived the life we wanted and it was easy to take a step back in the slow lane with a child.

    What I am trying to say was that we are so happy as parents because we didn’t leave any real life goals on the table before we had them. Nothing too valuable was left on the table. Obviously, there are still things I want to do, but it isn’t that desperate pull that I felt when I was younger. The people who have terrible mid life crisis times are the ones that don’t think they accomplished what they wanted.

    There is a difference between compromising and settling.

    #693462 Reply
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    Northern Star

    What a sad, lonely life you’re planning for your fiancee. I feel so sorry for her.

    #693464 Reply
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    peggy

    Hi B-Essie nailed it-your passion is not with your fiancée. Also,I note the fact that it took 6 years to get to the point of marriage. That in itself seems to lack passion,drive to commit to her. She is not the one for you
    . I envision you moving to Japan and meeting a fellow” Japan fan “and finding yourself married in short order…

    #693488 Reply
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    csp

    Peggy makes a great point! You should have been so excited to get married. you just aren’t.

    #693499 Reply
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    Cersei Lannister

    LW, I have a lot of sympathy for you, but I’m wondering why this has to be an “all or nothing” situation. Your fiancee doesn’t want to live in Japan, but does that stop you from pursuing job opportunities with Japanese companies operating in Canada and/or continuing to learn Japanese? Could you get a job with a company that does business with Japan and that allows you to travel there periodically? Obviously it’s not the same as living there, but perhaps that might help you feel better about your marriage while not totally forcing you to give up on your dream. If you truly love your fiancee and want to spend your life with her, then exploring these options might be a good way to pare back some of the resentment you feel towards your fiancee.

    I usually don’t comment on the forums, but this seemed like a situation where a more nuanced solution could help everyone involved.

    #693504 Reply
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    carolann
    Member

    I agree with everyone else that this would be a giant mistake.
    You shouldn’t wait, you should talk to her now. Give her time to absorb everything and cancel everything. Don’t be guilted into going through with something your heart isn’t in. That will hurt her much worse later.
    You have plenty of time to get married and have kids. I remarried at 36 and had my last child at 43. Don’t marry for the wrong reasons.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by avatar carolann.
    #693512 Reply
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    Dalben

    As someone with an ex-fiance I just want to say that sure the break up sucked, but it was a LOT better than if we actually got married. From your letter – as many people have pointed out – it doesn’t sound like you even want to be with your fiance in the first place, you don’t say anything that indicates you really want to be with her, or at least her specifically as opposed to some general idea of having a family and kids. How do you think that’s going to work out. At this point if she called you in the next minute and said “I changed my mind I’d love to live in Japan.” I’d still advise you to break up with her.

    Also, plenty of people don’t have a dream job, but just work so they can support themselves and their family and their dreams and happiness come outside of the job. That’s not to say you shouldn’t pursue your dream career if you’re one of the fortunate few who can do so, but rather to say that you don’t seem to any dreams or happiness outside of that. Are you looking forward to living with your fiance, seeing her when you wake, up talking with her when you get home from work, sharing moments together? Would you be excited to have children and teach them and watch them grow up? If you’re only excited about – possibly – living in Japan, then why the heck are you marrying this person? I mean if you wrote in and said you really loved your fiance and would feel horrible not being with her, but you just feel too bad about missing past opportunities maybe I’d have different advice, but that’s not what this sounds like.

    #693569 Reply
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    Bronson Chau

    I’ve talked to her about changing careers and she said those goals were unrealistic. I’m in the teaching profession and I’ve told her it’s not something I want to stay in forever. We’ve talked about other alternatives but anything outside of my teaching background she says is not a realistic goal. She worries that I won’t be able to support a family by going in a different direction.

    #693571 Reply
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    Ron

    Your gf seems to look at your relationship in as pragmatic, move on to the next stage of life, passionless way as you do. You say you don’t think you can be happy continuing in the teaching profession — at least without the challenge of moving to Japan or another country. You propose other careers, which you think would suit you better and allow you to be happy where you live. She says ‘Nope, I don’t feel as secure if you change careers, so suck it up and bring home the money, happy or not’. As you describe it, you both have such a utilitarian outlook on marriage that you could just as well get a random group of a dozen similar aged, opposite sex single people, pick one, and be as happy as you are likely to be with your current SO, soon to be spouse, if one of you doesn’t bail from this passionless relationship.

    If there is some love/passion involved here, then you should mention that, because you are throwing out a very strange vibe. If there is true caring on her side, then she should want you to have a career you can be happy in and help you plot a course to one.

    #693656 Reply
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    csp

    LW – I would look at Dalben and speak to a life coach. Reading your post, since we don’t have her side, I think there are two things that you need to recognize.

    1.) There are people that crave stability over other things. Your fiancee sounds like this. Honestly, I don’t blame her. If i was marrying a man and wanted to start a family after 6 years, I would want him to be a stable. She is not wrong for wanting this.

    2.) most people aren’t in jobs that are their passion. However, most people in thier work derive meaning and purpose. For example, I am a recruiter. It isn’t changing the world but I know I provide a valuable services for my clients and I get to help people find a new job which makes me feel good. Most people work to fund their lives. I work to support my family, to try new things, to build the home we both want, and travel.

    It seems like you aren’t seeing the world that way. If you feel like you have more to do, then do it. You would not be a good person by going into a marriage that you will resent. You will ruin both of your lives and that is not fair to her.

    #693660 Reply
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    Kate

    Like I said in my first post, this marriage is not going to work unless you can find a way to do something you feel good about in Canada. The book “What Color is Your Parachute?” has been in print for 40 years (and regularly updated) for a reason. It has a section on how to job-search, but then it goes beyond that to sections on self-inventory and how to identify new fields or types of opportunities you should get into based on what’s important and meaningful to you, and how to do it. I honestly think your best bet is to call off this wedding and go back to Japan, but if you’re not going to do that, at least do things like reading that book, talking to a career counselor, etc. If you do this right, following rational and time-tested advice from professionals, she’s going to have a lot harder time telling you your goals are unrealistic. But, again, you’re an absolute fool to marry someone who is telling you you must stay in a field you already KNOW you don’t want to stay in, that anything else is unrealistic, and no way no how would she ever move to the place you most want to live. She’s not a bad person for feeling that way, but you’re making a very bad decision.

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