- July 14, 2017 at 8:09 am #693667
It’s just a basic incompatibility at the deepest level of personality/behavior. LW is a risk-taker who must have a great new adventure and challenge to be happy and to see his life as moving forward. His fiancée is extremely risk adverse, craves the same-old, same-old, and will be terrified by the tamest life adventure LW undertakes. You can’t negotiate a happy median compromise between such polar opposites. One wonders how these two became engaged. Is their some great attractive uniting characteristic that isn’t mentioned, or is this anJuly 14, 2017 at 8:39 am #693672
I don’t think it’s fair to call his fiancé risk averse. She moved to Canada from another country to live and work. Not wanting to live in Japan (which is extremely expensive and culturally very different than most anywhere) isn’t really being terrified of adventure. I have to wonder how realistic the LW’s ‘alternate plans’ are. Since he didn’t say I wouldn’t be surprised if they aren’t super appropriate for someone planning to have a family.July 14, 2017 at 9:05 am #693673
She is also adamantly opposed to his desire to explore a career other than teaching, because that is the career he has and she is afraid that he cannot support her any other way.July 14, 2017 at 9:08 am #693676
She could legitimately believe that’s true (maybe it even is), and not necessarily be a risk-averse person by nature. She might just have yet to see any evidence that he has the ability to make a living another way. But yeah, clearly right now her focus is on starting a family, not traveling the world. There’s incompatibility in that they dearly want different things.July 14, 2017 at 10:44 am #693691
Choosing to have kids means choosing to have financial stability. I sure wouldn’t encourage my fiance to give up a steady job in favor of floating around trying to figure out what he wants—if the ONLY reason we’re getting married, really, is to start a family. Unless he was planning to be a stay-at-home dad. Which sounds like it would bore this LW to tears, since babies don’t care about Japanese culture and language.
Just break up, dude.July 14, 2017 at 12:18 pm #693698
At a minimum postpone the wedding.July 14, 2017 at 3:32 pm #693717
She does prefer taking the safe route, which is something that bothered me before. Eg. she’s afraid of animals so we can’t have pets… she won’t learn to drive because she’s afraid of causing an accident… I also see why she wants stability. She doesn’t want to move around starting from the ground up and I respect that. I just don’t think it’s fair to the both of us if I can be there financially but not emotionally.July 14, 2017 at 3:44 pm #693721
Then DON’T marry her. Why are you marrying someone you can’t be there for emotionally?July 14, 2017 at 4:18 pm #693724
She allows her fears to control her and you long for adventure and Japan.
Go. Run. Cancel the wedding. She’ll be fine.July 14, 2017 at 6:50 pm #693731
Ahh, after reading the LW’s update I kind of feel like this whole thing really isn’t about him wanting to go to Japan.
It feels like he’s unhappy in the relationship but doesn’t know how to break up with her. So he’s pinning all of his hopes of happiness on ‘Japan’. ‘Cause we all know that a change of environment is going to make the relationship better. /sarcasm
Dude, break up with her!!!!!! You two are not compatible and moving to Japan isn’t going to fix your unhappiness.* She’s going to be fine, and even if she isn’t it’s not your problem to fix. You shouldn’t sacrifice your happiness to make her happy, that shyte never works.
*As a side note, I find it highly amusing that the only time he’s felt alive and happy was the time that he spent away from her in Japan.July 16, 2017 at 1:12 am #693813
I was away from her for the first year of our relationship, so I didn’t know much about her at that time. Had I known what I know now, perhaps things would be different.
I broke off the engagement with her yesterday… I’m not sure how to break it to my friends now.July 16, 2017 at 2:43 am #693816
B, that was the bravest and best decision for you and your ex. The alternative was headed toward greater unhappiness. Despite it being the right thing, it still will have been hard and painful.
Here is a Captain Awakward post about spreading the news of a divorce & you could adapt it for your situation. Though possibly wait a bit for social media announcement, but you know best: