October 9, 2017 at 3:44 pm #722802
I’m hoping to get some advice. I have been in an online, long distance relationship with an older man for several years. We have never met. I have recently met someone in real life who I feel a great deal for and my feelings for my online LDR have dwindled. I have tried to end my LDR before but he threatened to kill himself and I felt I couldn’t leave him. I know this will hurt him and I hate that, but I don’t know what to do. Any help please?October 9, 2017 at 4:04 pm #722820
He is a manipulative ass if he threatens to kill himself if you leave him. You’ve never even been with him. He’s a pen pal. If you know who he is in real life and how to contact him, you might forward a suicide threat message to his local suicide help agency and tell them this dude you’ve never met has threatened to kill himself if you break off contact, which you are about to do. That covers your conscience in the 1% chance he’d actually try such a thing rather than just creepily using the treat to control you. Really, he’s way too creepy to stay in contact with.October 9, 2017 at 4:13 pm #722822
Oh, honey, no. That’s a classic line that manipulative, controlling dirtbags use to make you afraid to leave them. You are not responsible for anyone’s mental health.
I like Ron’s suggestion of contacting his local suicide help agency. If he really is in need of help, they’ll assist him in finding it. If he’s just being a controlling jerk, no harm done.
Just say “I’m sorry, I’m not interested in continuing this relationship, and I won’t be speaking with you again. I wish you well.” And then BLOCK HIM on every possible means of contact. Don’t give him the opportunity to try to argue you out of leaving him. Don’t tell him that you’re seeing someone else. Just go.October 9, 2017 at 4:15 pm #722824
Essie’s on fire today.
I had a boyfriend who told me he would drive his motorcycle off the road if I broke up with him. I did, and he didn’t.October 9, 2017 at 4:15 pm #722825
100% agree with Ron. Dump and block. In the future, don’t let someone manipulate you like that. Threatening suicide to keep someone around is a classic dick move. Call his local police if he does it again now when you break things off. Don’t waste another minute of your life with this low a standard for who you associate with even from afar.
Edit—agree with Essie also!October 9, 2017 at 8:04 pm #722857
What Essie said. Also, you don’t owe this guy anything. Live your life, and don’t let people manipulative you with threats of self harm. That’s as toxic and controlling as the day is long.October 10, 2017 at 8:24 am #722911
If you feel that he’s going to kill himself, go straight to blocking him. You don’t even have to have a break up conversation. Just don’t answer when he texts or calls, then he can’t guilt you into staying with him.
And if you’re friends on social media, block him!October 10, 2017 at 9:12 am #722916
Yup yup yup. He’s a manipulative ass. You are not responsible for his emotions or actions.October 10, 2017 at 9:42 am #722923
I doubt he’s going to kill himself. But anyone who would use that threat to manipulate you is a controlling little fucker that you just need to cut off completely like a noxious weed.October 10, 2017 at 9:42 am #722924
Boo Berry Waffles
As others have pointed out, the threats of suicide are coercion and emotional manipulation. You’ve attempted to move on and he has prevented you and it worked that time. Don’t let it work this time by not giving him an opportunity to deliver those kinds of threats.
Pen an email to him explaining that you are terminating your interaction with each other. You can explain yourself or not, but keep in mind if you explain yourself he’ll likely try and talk you out of it by using your reasoning against you. Stand strong.
Once you’ve penned your email, send it and immediately block him on your phone, messaging apps, social media, email, etc… (actually, do this before you write the email and then block the email right after sending). That way you won’t get sucked into him trying to manipulate you into staying while your busy blocking him.
It’s an awkward position to be in, I know. I’ve been in a similar situation with an online pen pal who had become far more emotionally attached to me (he had even crafted an elaborate relationship fiction about us that he told other people) and, like you, we had never actually met. Just interacted online and eventually through text. I eventually shut down all my social media (not actually due to him) but he took it personally and sent me these long scathing screeds about how cruel I was being to him and it definitely scared me, despite this man having never actually met me. He didn’t threaten suicide before I blocked him, but he did insinuate that my somehow deleting my Facebook was “jeopardizing his mental health”. It was a mess and I was freaked to say the least.
Best of luck to you, LW. It’s a crappy thing to have to deal with.October 10, 2017 at 9:51 am #722927