Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Ex gf motive for contact after No Contact?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Ex gf motive for contact after No Contact?

This topic contains 13 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by avatar Leslie Joan 2 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 14 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #716445 Reply
    avatar
    Chance

    I’m 21 and so is my ex. In my recent threads I have shared the reason why she decided to end the relationship. In short, I took her for granted and became extremely selfish and unappreciative during the last half year of our 3 year relationship. She was fed up and left me without much of a chance for me to explain. I agree that she had to do it and I have been making advancements on moving on. 1 month NC and she text me wishing me a nice senior semester. I relieve her guilt and tell her there are no hard feelings.

    2 weeks after that message I get possible reconciliation hope or maybe a breadcrumb discussion:

    Her: Hey
    I want to talk if you have a minute
    Me: Hey, what’s up?
    Her: Can you call me?
    I am driving and can’t text
    Me: It’s not a good time for me right now either. Is it urgent?
    Her: No now I’m home so it’s okay
    I just wanted to tell you that I miss you. I really do. And I’m so sorry for everything.
    Me: Thanks for letting me know. It’s nice to hear from you
    Her: I’m sure you don’t care for me much right now but I feel like a jerk.
    Me: You had to put yourself first, you don’t have to feel like a jerk if you made the right choice for yourself.
    Her: I don’t feel like I made the right choice. At the time I felt that way. But as time goes on I realize that even tho it wasn’t perfect, i miss you. You’re not the only one at fault. I definitely did things that weren’t perfect. There were things we both needed to change and I should have communicated that better.
    Me: I’m not exactly sure what to say. I do want to talk about us and the change we needed. I just need some time to process and sort things out and then talk.
    Her: I don’t wanna dive into anything. If anything honestly I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I do still care. Whenever you’re ready to talk I’ll be here.
    Me: Thank you, I appreciate it.

    She tweeted after this (friend told me cause I no longer use social media) “There’s just an empty place in my heart right now and it sucks”

    My question is… does this warrant more than breadcrumbs? Should I wait a while to respond (week or so) or let her reach out again. I do feel like I’m not ready emotionally to meet her or talk on the phone. I do want her back but for the right reasons and for the long haul. I don’t want to be the selfish ******* anymore. I’m still hurt by the way she handled the breakup but I don’t blame her. Any advice or insight is appreciated. Thanks

    #716446 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    She’s openly trying to get back together, this isn’t breadcrumbing.

    I’m so confused though. YOU treated her like crap (maybe you explained elsewhere why you were doing that) for quite some time, she finally got fed up and broke up with you, and somehow SHE feels guilty and bad and like an asshole??

    Do you even want to get back together? Would anything be different?

    #716448 Reply
    avatar
    Chance

    I’m doing my best to take time to work on myself. I realize all my faults. It’s why I’m not jumping at the bits of this. I want to be in the right mindset. Trust me, I don’t want to be that guy again.

    #716449 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Ok, I just think it’s really weird that she would feel like the bad guy here and be asking you to take her back after you treated her like crap for six months. It suggests low self-worth and issues on her part.

    #716454 Reply
    avatar
    Chance

    I was not like that the whole half year. There was times like the 3 year anniversary that I messed up on, but I’m a great guy to be around. I’m confident and funny. There was still fun to be had with me. She asked to hangout everyday for a reason I’d have to assume. I’m not as awful as I had to type out. But I had to only show that because it was a reason for the split.

    #716455 Reply
    avatar
    Fyodor

    Chance

    Part of maturing is respecting the choices of others and internalizing meaningfully that they have their own separate wants and needs that you can’t control. Your girlfriend broke up with you. She has not evidenced any interest in getting back together. Regardless of whether you think that’s fair, or your perceived sense of what would be better for her, that’s the way things are.

    I know that this relationship seems monumentally important to you because it’s been for such a large portion of your adult life, but you need to move on to whatever is next for you.

    #716456 Reply
    avatar
    Fyodor

    Never mind. I was mixing this up with the other thread where you didn’t have her texts. I was wrong. She wants to get back together.

    #716457 Reply
    avatar
    Fyodor

    Having been wrong entirely about the first point, I would still think about whether getting back together is the best thing for both of you. You guys were together for a long time at a young age. It may be that you have some not-great dynamics together.

    #716458 Reply
    avatar
    dinoceros
    Member

    I’m a little confused about what you want. What I’m hearing is that you ultimately want to get back together, but you think that right now isn’t the best time because you’re worried you’ll continue treating her poorly and you’re still hurt? Is that accurate?

    I’m also not really understanding because I got the impression from your description that you were the one who was treating her badly. Her breaking up with you for doing that isn’t an example of treating you badly. If you feel that the way she did it was bad, then I mean, you have the right to think that, but I also sort of think that when you are a crappy partner, then your SO sort of has some leeway in whether they follow the standard polite protocol for a breakup.

    Either way, if you don’t want to see her right now or get back together right now, then tell her that. The fact that your immediate response is that you are going to essentially stall and lead her on without being honest with her makes it clear that you are definitely not ready to get back together with her. Be honest and let her make a decision from there. I personally am not into waiting around for people and I think if you can’t be with someone right now, both people should not wait, but you guys can make that decision.

    #716460 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I gotta say, this just comes across so weird. You were even kind of a jerk when she texted you… “not a good time.” But yet you want to get back together? And you’re so out of touch with who she is that you don’t know what she might mean by those texts? There’s no ambiguity there. I would do you both a favor and tell her you just need to be on your own… forever.

    #716472 Reply
    avatar
    Leslie Joan

    Woah, wait a minute. I’m confused. In your earlier post, you were pretty clear that your crappy behavior was the
    reason she left, even though you begged and pleaded. And now, “You’re still hurt about the breakup”??? And so, now you need to think about it, talk about it – but in your previous post, you were oh so confident that you had changed, and you were so concerned about coming across as being so magnanimous and sensitive. Did someone step in dog poo, or is that just your position?

    So really, it sounds like what you’re saying is that you didn’t actually do any changing, and now that she actually DOES seem interested in getting back together with you and still cares, you’re holding back and stroking your chin and contemplating punishing her, and withholding, and basically you really are blaming her for the breakup and you’re minimizing your actions and talking yourself up. WTAF, dude?

    Right.

    I agree with Kate. You need to be on your own. Maybe not forever, but you are certainly conflicted, you didn’t actually do any work on yourself (thinking sounds just dandy, but it’s no substitute for real action, like counseling). You two aren’t going to do a damned thing differently.

    Don’t say stuff you don’t mean. You were more concerned with looking noble than being noble, it’s clear you will enjoy punishing her. You are pissing me off.

    #716474 Reply
    avatar
    Leslie Joan

    Here’s a clue: in relationships and in life, some hurtful things can happen. And if are going to forgive someone or accept an apology, that means it’s over: you can’t keep nurturing the hurt, and you can’t save it up to fling in the other person’s face.

    Clearly you didn’t mean anything nice that you said in the earlier conversation. Or if you did, you meant it briefly and got over it.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 14 total)
Reply To: Ex gf motive for contact after No Contact?
Your information:




Comments on this entry are closed.