Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Feeling ambivalent about my current relationship

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Ashley 4 months ago.

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  • #693707 Reply

    Lol, that’s fair. By “chemistry,” I mean sexual chemistry. And that is there for sure. Otherwise, I guess I just mean we have things in common. We have similar interests and life experiences, and senses of humor. We get along really well in the moment and we have fun together. I’m just not sure the details of what we want for the future are the same, even if the broad strokes are. Like, we both want to raise a family, and to have someone we love by our side. But what we want that family to look like, or how we spend our time in that family, etc- we differ on that part.

    You’re right, though, that I’m falling into a lot of the same patterns I followed before. I’m very good at being the safe, steady, stable, caretaker type partner. And that’s not a lie- that is an authentic part of who I am. But I’m also incredibly driven and stubborn and I want to change the world, or at least my part of it. I don’t easily take no for an answer, and I love coming up with ways to take “it’s hard” as a jumping off point and rather than a roadblock. She just more content with what feels safe, and there’s nothing wrong with that- but I’m already feeling myself downplaying the things I feel “called” to do that require personal risk, because they aren’t things she’s ready to take on. And I don’t think I left my marriage so that I could find myself in a similar one- even if this time it’s with a woman I’m incredibly attracted to (although obviously that’s an improvement). If I’m ready to live my life my way, that extends further than just the gay thing.

    #694293 Reply

    You need some new friends. I think as we get older our friends for one reason or another drop off and we have our partners, coworkers, family…and that’s it. Our lives get smaller. What interests you? Are there groups you want to join? Hobbies you want to start. YOU push yourself. It took me a conscious effort to meet new people after college. I am shy, and introverted, and it was certainly a trial for me to go somewhere by myself where I knew no one and make friends. But I did. And you should too, if only because you shouldn’t look to someone to completely uh…complete you. You list a lot of good things about your new lady, and I think this problem says a lot more about you than her.

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