- December 20, 2016 at 10:05 pm #665162
Okay. This seems to be a very common topic when I googled for advice, and yet again, here is my post asking for advice.
I have been married to my husband for 10 years and we dated almost 6 years before that. We now have two kids, one of them just turned 1, so you can imagine all the chaos in the house and we are both very tense and tired.
A couple of days before my younger one’s 1st birthday, I was online shopping for his under shirt, and I needed to check his drawer to make sure I get the right size. And there they are, a used black bra and a few used underwear hiding in a corner. I checked and checked, until I know for sure they are not mine (not the same cup size just in case you want to ask ‘are you sure?’). I didn’t say anything since it was so close to the birthday and now we are in holiday season. Should I confront him after the holidays, when the things quiet down a little?December 20, 2016 at 10:15 pm #665163
My husband doesn’t seem to have the time to cheat, he goes to work 8-5 and he is home on the weekends. He does go to Vegas for conference every year for about a week, and go on fishing trips with coworkers. So if he is cheating, it is either in Vegas or maybe he sneaks out during work hours which I have no way to check. He works in IT, so he can hide his electronic trail pretty well.
We do have intercourse on a regular basis, not very frequent, it is hard to find the time with the new baby and if there is time, we are both very tired, but we still do have it. So it is not like he has no interest at all.
With all that, I still couldn’t get pass the thoughts that why on earth he would have those things in his drawer.
Oh, and on that same night, I pretended asking him what his under shirt size is, and opened his drawer in front him. He got very nervous, he told me his shirt size, and tried his best to distract me from that corner. And the next day, the bra and the underwear are gone. I don’t know if he tossed them, or just hid them somewhere else.
What should I do?December 20, 2016 at 10:53 pm #665167
Was the underwear a size your husband could wear? If he has an affair outside of town for a week, what purpose would he have in bringing back the woman’s used underwear, so that you could find it? That really doesn’t make a lot of sense.December 20, 2016 at 10:58 pm #665168
There’s also a fetish where people buy used underwear online. Maybe that’s what he’s doing? Because otherwise, yeah, it doesn’t seem to make sense why he’d keep it. Unless he wants to be caught.December 20, 2016 at 11:09 pm #665169
Talk to your husband and see what he says. His reaction will tell you a lot. He could be cheating, he could be wearing them himself, or something else entirely…but whatever it is you’re going to have to talk about it. Hopefully you have a good foundation of trust in your relationship and he doesn’t try to pretend the bra & panties never existed or something ridiculous. Approach him calmly and give yourself time to process whatever you hear. Good luck.December 20, 2016 at 11:25 pm #665170
This isn’t something you can just leave hanging out there, so your only option is to talk to him about it. Try to be calm; you’re not going to get truth from him if you’re screaming and crying.
He could be cheating, he could be cross-dressing, it could be a fetish. Whatever it is, you need to know. He probably suspects that you know, so he’s expecting this conversation.December 21, 2016 at 6:23 am #665202
Ok, you have evidence that something is going on that he doesn’t want you knowing about, right? You saw the things in his drawer that weren’t yours or gifts for you, he acted weird about you opening the drawer, then got rid of them. So yeah, you do need to talk. Soon.
When your kids are asleep, just say, calmly, hey, so I was ordering new underwear for you and I checked your drawer, and I saw some things in there that I didn’t expect to see. Pause, wait, take note of his body language, see what he says. He already got rid of them, so it’s possible he may deny it, in which case just stay very calm and say, no, I saw a black bra in size x and 3 pairs of worn underwear that weren’t mine. Don’t let him off the hook until he explains. You’re not accusing at this point, but you’re asking because he apparently is keeping secrets and for your peace of mind and the trust in your marriage, you need to know what’s going on. I wouldn’t offer up the cross-dressing thing. It’s definitely possible, but you don’t need to help him by offering potential explanations. I would just let him tell you what’s going on. If you have to, just restate that you were not snooping or looking for trouble, but you saw something, and you need to find out about it for the sake of the trust in your marriage. If something is going on, you want and need to know about it.
If his explanation doesn’t make sense to you, keep probing. Point out the parts that don’t make sense and keep asking. I’ve never had a guy be able to stand up to that, they will break and come out with the truth if you stay calm and keep asking questions, but maybe I’m just scary. You WANT him to be a little scared (I see so many letters on here where the man tells the woman some complete bullshit and makes her feel like she’s crazy, because he figures she’ll accept it and that she’ll never leave him), and I think this technique helps with that because he’d expect you to be all freaking out. You stay calm and logical instead.
Sorry this is happening so close to the holidays. Like people said, it could be a fetish thing, and maybe by talking about it you could become closer and adjust your sex life? Or maybe he is cheating and you have to deal with that (I hope not). “I Love You But I Don’t Trust You” by Mira Kirshenbaum is a great book to help deal with the aftermath.
December 21, 2016 at 7:59 am #665210
- This reply was modified 4 months ago by Kate.
I dunno. I think that he probably has some kind of fetish with the underwear rather than bringing back clothing from his illicit sex partners and storing it in your drawer. I think that you want to be comfortable that he’s not cheating but if he doesn’t want to talk about it beyond that, you should let it be.December 21, 2016 at 9:54 am #665223
What Kate said.December 21, 2016 at 10:02 am #665224
Eh, I doubt any man is going to lie about being a transvestite just to save face. I also don’t get the saving the underwear from an illicit tryst thing though either. Unless your husband is fucking dumb as a stump — one would think he’d have hidden it better. Although, the same could be said if he was secretly wearing them himself. I guess just ask him what’s up… Strange.December 21, 2016 at 12:42 pm #665251
What Kate said. Ask open-ended questions. No yes/no questions and absolutely no leading questions. Don’t give him an out. Stay silent and wait for his response. There will be awkward pauses. Just breathe through them and allow him to respond. If you fill the air with your talking you won’t get the real information you’re looking for.
I agree that this is all weird. Maybe it is a memento from an old girlfriend. Although, I confess, I have been watching The Fall lately and I immediately thought serial killer. LW, this is very likely NOT the case.
As for time to connect, I can relate to kids and full time work. You need to make time. My husband and I proactively plan to talk at 9 a.m. on a weeknight to review household finances. We proactively plan a “wine and cheese” in bed netflix night so we can unwind together on a Tuesday. Maybe you can talk about planning to make the time as your 2017 resolution – regardless of what the panty-gate outcome is.December 21, 2016 at 1:02 pm #665259
I think what’s more common especially if they are ahem- *obviously used and worn by a woman*….he could be having an affair and she’s giving him her used panties as a tease. Or he’s keeping them after they see each other. When I was younger, an ex had a long distance sex affair with someone else and she would send him her used underwear. Classy!
You might think he doesn’t have time, but where there is a will, there is a way. He could be popping out of work early once a week, taking a long lunch, etc.
Kate has the tactics explained. Calm, cool, collected. Don’t let him tell you that you are crazy. Just ask for honesty.