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Friend in Bad Marriage/Not Caring for Kids Pregnant Again

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This topic contains 22 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by avatar FriendinNeed 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #666963 Reply
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    FriendinNeed

    This may be a little lengthy.

    One of my longest friends has been in a horrible marriage for just over five years. She married her husband when she discovered she was pregnant and his family pressured them to marry. During the first two years of their marriage, he barely came home, he controlled whether she got to come out to dinner and kept her from finishing college. She became pregnant again and his behavior worsened. Many times over the past five years, she’s expressed to me about wanting a better life and I’ve tried to be supportive of her and her children. I’ve encouraged her to leave her husband, finish school and be out on her own and been a constant ear for all of their marriage problems.

    About six months ago, their marriage hit a breaking point. She finally went to him and told him how she felt about their marriage and how he was not supporting her or helping her with their children. For nearly four months after working up the courage to talk to him, she endured constant fights and arguments and eventually he kicked her and children out of their home after a fight. I contacted her parents about the situation when that happened. This is when I learned that my friend’s situation was a lot worse than I imagined and she was leaving a lot of details out.

    Her parents have told me that not only have they been aware of her marriage troubles but that they have essentially been taking care of her children for her after the oldest told them stories about “Mommy being in the bed all day and not feeding me and my brother” and discovering their home in horrible conditions. Her mother told me about how my friend lost interest in being a parent. Her parents make sure the oldest goes to school, that they have clothes and are properly fed and bathed and have to take them all doctor’s appointments.

    This led me to have a talk with my friend about what I had been told by her parents, and she admitted she needed a change. She asked me and her parents to help her to leave her husband and go back to school. Her parents and I worked to get resources for her, but when it came time for her to file paperwork, she backed out. She made an excuse for not going back to school. She told me she had another talk with her husband and he vowed to change. I was extremely disappointed with this.

    A month ago, her family had an intervention with her after discovering more deplorable conditions in the home and more stories from the oldest child about what’s going on at home. I talked to her again about her situation, but she was in complete denial of all the details, saying the oldest son was making it all up and the husband’s behavior had changed. Her family has begged her to go to therapy but she doesn’t think she needs it. Her family warned her that if things didn’t change that they would begin to look into CPS to come into the home and they have documented stories and photographs of the home and of the children.

    She told me this weekend that she is pregnant again with their third child, and I exploded at her about it. I cannot believe that after the past year that she would think becoming pregnant again would be a good thing. She is upset that I would be upset at her about this baby. She hasn’t told her parents yet, but I imagine their reaction will not be pretty.

    I’m at a complete loss. Is giving her the cold shoulder the right thing to do? Should I talk to her parents that she is pregnant again? What can I do, if anything?

    Thanks.

    #666964 Reply
    FireStar
    Firestar

    Nothing. The parents are involved with their grandchildren. You can’t make your friend make good decisions. Listen as a friend or walk away if it’s too much.

    #666965 Reply
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    FriendinNeed

    That is where I am really struggling, I’m feeling very guilty about walking away since I have been with her through this for over five years, and since learning about her children, I’ve been especially concerned for their welfare.

    #666967 Reply
    bittergaymark
    bittergaymark

    Honestly? Yes, I’m going to say it. You’re friend is a fucking mess if not a terrible person and mother. And really — I only said IF to soften the blow. Walk away. Calling CPS on your way out.

    #666969 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    What BGM said. Call CPS and leave this ugliness behind. There really is nothing else you can do. Bad husband or not your friend is a train wreck who is abusing and neglecting her children. Cut your losses.

    #666970 Reply
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    FriendinNeed

    I appreciate the responses. Should I tell her parents about this new pregnancy? I don’t know when she will tell them. In our last conversation, she told me she was really dreading it and I’m afraid she will want to continue to hide it.

    #666971 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    I wouldn’t involve yourself more deeply unless you think they can help. I would call CPS (repeatedly if need be) and stay the hell out of it.

    #666977 Reply
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    Howdywiley

    I would just walk away. The grandparents are involved and know the situation, let them handle their daughter. You need to step back and focus on yourself and take a break from this 5 year emotional rollercoaster.

    #666985 Reply
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    Heather

    Personally, I’d go tell the grandparents about the pregnancy, tell them you’re going call CPS & then inform CPS.( The grandparents may ask you not too- but you still need to do it. I mean you could give them a week’s heads up, but no matter what CPS need to get involved. Grandparents are probably too emotionally involved & hoping it’ll change- it won’t.) Then back away. This is how I’d do it as I like keeping good people involved & perhaps they could use the evidence they already have. But even if you decide against telling grandparents(no guilt either way), then call CPS and don’t involve yourself further.

    Sorry, but you can’t do more for your friend. She’s damaged in multiple ways & though you’re tried to help, you can’t. She refuses/can’t help herself. The only way forward is to try and protect the children. Especially, as a new baby is about to enter this shit storm. Make sure CPS knows she is pregnant or else one mess could be cleared & a new one starts.

    #666986 Reply
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    Heather

    Also your friend may guess it is you who informed CPS, so block all forms of communication from her. She doesn’t get to try guilt etc on you, when she failed to protect her innocent children.

    #666994 Reply
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    golfer.gal

    I agree with the others. It is time to back away from this friendship. There is nothing more that you can do, except to call CPS and get them involved. That she would bring another child into this is unconscionable. Those children are being abused and neglected by both their parents, and the damage may very well last a lifetime. Getting them removed is unquestionably the right thing. When your friend contacts you again, it is fair to tell her that while you love her and will always be there if she decides to leave her husband, her decision to stay and bring yet another child into this sickness has brought you to your breaking point and that you simply can’t have contact with her anymore. Her reaction will undoubtedly be negative, but there’s nothing you can do about that. People don’t tend to enjoy facing the consequences of their terrible decisions. The stress of constantly worrying about someone who refuses to help themselves is taking over your life. Get the professionals involved and end your contact with her.

    #666996 Reply
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    FriendinNeed

    Thank you all for your responses. I spoke with her parents about the new pregnancy this morning, and they are taking steps to become involved with removing the two children from her custody. I never imagined this would happen to my friend, and it’s heartbreaking.

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