Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friend with issues and upset wit me

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by avatar anonymousse 4 months ago.

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  • #696784 Reply
    Anonymous Friend

    Friend with issues is upset with me. I had a friend/coworker who frequently talks to me about her relationship issue or weight issue. 1) her bf is polygamous/sleeps with other women. But the agreement they had is that he has to be open and honest with her whenever he does sleep with other women. However, down inside she’s not OK and this is making her extremely insecure, clingy and obsessed over activities he does outside of her. For example, she would see a nameless text on his phone and then reverse lookup the number to find out the owner. Then she would look up the person on social media. The result is usually a woman he knows. She would then secretly feel depressed and insecure but yet she is not able to confront him. And even if he does tell her about the other women, she is still not comfortable knowing the truth (obviously). He told her she can also sleep with other men but she is monogamous by heart. She actually wants kids with him but he doesn’t want kids. She’s nearing middle age and biology may not allow her to easily have children if she doesn’t soon. Her bf lives in her apartment bc he has no credit. I’ve told her my opinion many times that she’s gotta move on because I honestly don’t like him. She loves him and is even looking to buy a house and have him live with her. He would pay her rent but since her relationship seems unstable, is it a good idea what she is doing? She hated roommates so I’m not sure what she would do if they broke up and she admitted she can’t pay the mortgage herself. 2) She goes to therapy by herself frequently to help with her depression due to the relationship and her weight. He never goes with her. She has been trying to lose weight for a year and she’s not progressing. She takes stuff to relax her nerves. I honestly think the toxic relationship is the roadblock to her weight loss and self love. I used to give her lots of dietary advice that are easy and actionable (like eating eggs as protein for breakfast, not skipping meals, eating less sweets and smaller portion dinner, very harmless tips) but she just doesn’t have the will power to follow these steps. she would tell me about her “splurge” dinners that are totally unhealthy (hotdogs, beer, nachos, half bottle of wine). But splurging means special occasions and controlled portions.
    Remember I said I HAD this friend? because we no longer talk. One day she texted me and I was triggered because it was another one of her usual issues; and I asked in response why she’s still with her bf (rhetorically). She has never responded since then. We used to talk everyday. I know she is offended by my response but I just cannot understand why my intentions of taking time to exercise with her, give her advice and sympathize with her issues are not being well received and on contrary, being taken offensively as if I’m the bad guy. We haven’t talked for weeks. But honestly I feel more peaceful not hearing the same old problems from her anymore. It’s pretty obviously he’s not right for her but she’s simply too “in love” with him to let him go. She broke up with him once for only a week and couldn’t take it. Came to work a wreck and everyone can tell she has been crying all day. He wasn’t even that shook by the breakup, but she wasn’t strong enough to be alone without him. She is afraid of being physically alone even though she is emotionally alone even with him in her life. Can anyone please give advice on whether or not I was being wrong for stating the obvious and whether I should just leave the friendship alone? I do like her but it has been feeling like a one sided friendship. I am younger than her but feel like her older sister.

    #696789 Reply

    Her boyfriend isn’t your problem. Her choices aren’t your problem. Not your monkey; not your circus. Not your business. You feel peaceful without her drama? That’s your answer. Move on. Be less involved with other people. Your former friend didn’t want your unsolicited opinion. Just a hint for next time.

    #696792 Reply

    A lot of friends don’t want to hear advice or the truth of their situation, they just want to vent, or they want someone to validate their feelings and enable them to continue to make bad decisions. You were honest with her and she didn’t want that, so she moved on. You are better off this way, and maybe someday she’ll get in touch with an apology, but I wouldn’t hold your breath. Sometimes people need to hit the very rock bottom before they realize what they need to. Some people have to make bad choices and learn the hard way.

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